This time I'm really considering going through with it

[Seraphim]

I would refuse to discuss this with your family AT ALL. I do think medication is a good idea . Because if we had diabetes or broken legs we would take medication . ( I am not bipolar but I was severely depressed for 35 years ) your mind is just as important .

[coolgirl]

Which is why I don't discuss my emotional state of mind with them anymore. I am having a hard time staying strong for myself at the moment because I don't have that emotional support from anyone and going through this alone. I only have 1 to 2 friends and both of them have a life of their own and don't even live here. And have their struggles in life. One of my friends I talk to them with but they can only take so much. And I told this friend of mine I need space. I am all over the place

 

I would refuse to discuss this with your family AT ALL. I do think medication is a good idea . Because if we had diabetes or broken legs we would take medication . ( I am not bipolar but I was severely depressed for 35 years ) your mind is just as important .

[Seraphim]

I think it would be good to go back to therapy and really stay on medication . I know staying on medication would really have made my father's life 1000% better . Really. I know the side effects aren't so hot but the alternative isn't hot either . And I can tell you the side effects of medication for him would've been nothing compared to his problems now . His life is a complete travesty and tragedy .

[coolgirl]

My plan was to leave a message on a voice recorder, drive up to the beach because the sound of wave is soothing, and overdose on sleeping pills. I was about to do it until I decided to write on here. I was really in a bad shape yesterday !

[Seraphim]

I am so very sorry to hear that. Just know that your life is very very valuable . When I go to Mass today I will offer prayers for you. And pray that you come to understand how valuable you are .

[coolgirl]

Thank you so much dear.

 

 

I am so very sorry to hear that. Just know that your life is very very valuable . When I go to Mass today I will offer prayers for you. And pray that you come to understand how valuable you are .

[coolgirl]

An update: So after texting a friend back and fourth for about a good 30 minutes talking about music after I said goodnight I had another episode of a breakdown. Here we were having a good conversation and after i said goodnight out of nowhere it just happened. What is the matter with me? Why,is this happening. Why can't I be normal?

[RainyCoast]

i'm sorry cool. i remember rages and panicky breakdowns, and breakdowns mostly characterized by confusion. it took these three forms with me, when i felt i was breaking down. i didn't feel the need to act on them thankfully, but i had intense mental images of smashing everyone and everything around, it was very disturbing and exhausting.

 

they had a sudden onset for me as well. sometimes i could identify what triggered me (sensory overload was a common trigger), sometimes not.

 

have you heard from the receptionist?

[coolgirl]

Rainycoast: Yes, she called said either go to the Emergency or go into as an Inpatient. I said no no inpatient I'm not going through that again. Yesterday I called my mother told her I shouldn't had told her everything on just didn't know what to do anymore after I hung up the phone that's when I had my breakdown. This morning i got up with severe anxiety and panic attack called my mother again and told her this is what's happening she said if you go again there not going to do anything you've been through it before. I was going to say what the hell is the matter with you, this is your d..... support in this. Hoping to get some sort of sedative to help me calm down. That pissed me off even more. So again I'm writing it out again. I guess I'm going to take the meds again even though i dont want too.

[Seraphim]

I really understand that you don't want to take meds I really do . But you know what I genuinely really genuinely think your life will be a whole lot better if you do . And staying on them is the best . My dad used to tell me that he didn't want to stay on them because they got rid of his highs which he really really liked . But as he ages he doesn't have any more "highs". I really implore you even keel is much better. This is a mental illness that absolutely requires medication . I know it blows I really do but your life really will be better with it . Still thinking and praying about you .

[RainyCoast]

is the doc willing to prescribe anything or do you have to choose between hospitalization and er?

 

i'm sorry you aren't getting support from your mum. that sucks, calling when you desperately need someone and getting a response like that.

 

 

i do think putting up with a few months worth of side effects is an unpleasant ordeal, but sounds better than feeling like this.

 

can you still see your doc or are they basically telling you to go elsewhere ( er or hospital)?

[coolgirl]

Seraphim: Thank you dear yes I did take them for the time being. But if my level of anxiety does not die down I might as well go to the Emergency. I'm gonna see how it goes.

[coolgirl]

Rainycoast: as far as choosing where to go to I have that option the doctor I have is not an professional to adjust my meds get says you have to have a psychologist or psychiatrist do that for you he says if you find yourself in this type of situations take yourself to the emergency he can't do anything about it he's just an MD doctor.

 

As far as my mom we don't have a close relationship due to the fact that were to different of a people. On the other hand my dad is a bit more understanding towards this illness thing than my mom. I get she wants to try to help sometimes she doesn't know me the way my father knows me. I've shut them both out along time ago thinking that I can do this on my own seemingly I cant. My sister and I don't have a close bond she's only 20. With my brother is okay I don't talk to him much as he has his own struggles in life and he's 28.

 

I have other medical problems that yet I have not taken care of. The reason I haven't followed up is I'm sick and tired of going to different doctors and not getting the results I need. And being put on different medication that is not responding to me I'm sorry but I feel like a gunney pig to these doctors and being told so many things by different doctors it's tireing to go through that process all over again. I don't have the energy for it anymore. I've put up with it for 12 years I'm not investing another 12 years on top of it.

[RainyCoast]

how are you feeling today cool? been thinking about you.

[coolgirl]

Thank you so much Rainy I'm doing okay.

 

 

 

 

how are you feeling today cool? been thinking about you.

[KantSleep]

Coolgirl, I am sorry you are dealing with mental illness for 12 years, where the meds are not working. Heck, I would be frustrated too. Honestly I am not sure why they can't get the meds right after all these years. I understand your yearning to feel normal. My youngest son (22) suffers from anxiety and mild depression, where the anxiety was creating a myriad of physical symptoms. His type of depression is he is more "flatlined", where he lacks enthusiasm, but he is not suicidal or severely depressed. Before being properly diagnosed, he was not doing well and had low self-esteem. So to try to help him, I had a neuropsychologist do a full day eval and study on him. It was quite expensive and not covered by insurance (actually it went towards my deductible). That was about 6 months ago. He now has a very good part time job and is going back to school at night. He has come a long way, with the proper diagnosis, and a good psychiatrist and therapist - and medication that is working. As a parent it is tough to deal with mental illness. It's not the type of boo-boo you can easily fix. I was never in denial there was a problem, and I did my best to help him. I do feel bad your mother does not understand your struggles. I always told my son it's not your fault - it's just the DNA cards you were dealt. Mental illness is a massive problem in this country because it is difficult to get good care. I paid about 4000 out-of-pocket to get him on the right track. As a single parent, that is a financial stretch. I have told you my story because I have hope you can find the proper care to get you back on track. You have suffered through a lot of difficult times. Could your Dad help you financially to get the care you need? There has to be an expert out there who can evaluate you and help move you in the right direction. Keep trying, you are worth it. Never doubt that. Good luck. Cyber hugs from me to you.