Not sure where I'm going with this...

[franciss]

Some background. My bf and I have been together 7 years. Through our relationship, I've always told him that I want three simple things. I want him to love me (sounds pathetic, now that I've typed it...). I want us to make time for each other. I want to eventually get married and am sad that he hasn't tried asking me.

 

(Especially sad because of something that happened a long time ago. We were in a long-distance relationship. He gave me a ring and said something like I want to spend my life with you. He was trying to convince me to quit my full time job, move across the country, and be with him while he was a graduate student. It worked. After the fact, he told me that is was a promise ring, not an engagement ring.)

 

Over the years, I've kind of given up on these three things that I've been hoping for. Bf and I are not particularly romantic or in love with each other. (To give you an idea of what kind of relationship I'm in... This past Valentine's Day all I got was a Toblerone bar and a card.) We are in a "just okay" relationship - nothing great. I don't know if marriage is so important after all because our relationship is so lukewarm. Bf works all the time. Late at night, something coming home at 4am in the morning just to get dressed and go back in. Works on weekends. Checks his phone constantly for emails from work.

 

Yesterday something in my mind shifted. I decided that I really don't care so much about this relationship. Felt like I shouldn't have to work so hard for his love and attention. If he truly cared, he would make more of an effort. I decided that I would work long hours too. Changed my work availability to available late at night and on weekends. I woke up feeling very empty. Like the war is over; I've finally accepted defeat. He'll always be exactly the same person he's been for the last seven years. I can't make him love me any more or change his priorities. I'm also in so deep with this guy that I just don't feel like I can start over again. I feel like he is the person I'll be with for the rest of my life, and I guess I'm a bit disappointed that I didn't end up finding that great love. Also just feeling lonely, even when he's around.

[reinventmyself]

Have you told him what you just told us?

I think this warrants a challenging conversation.

[Wiseman2]

Agree it's time to reconsider the relationship. Can you move back home? Why give up all your dreams to be this guy's roommates-with-benefits while he strings you along?

My bf and I have been together 7 years. I want him to love me.I want us to make time for each other. I want to eventually get married. I've kind of given up on these three things that I've been hoping for. I've finally accepted defeat. He'll always be exactly the same person he's been for the last seven years.

[Clio]

If he truly cared, he would make more of an effort.

 

Have you discussed any of these feelings with him? You seriously need to alarm him on the fact that you are approaching the end of your limits (in fact it sounds like you are past that). You need to COMMUNICATE to him all the thoughts you have included in this post. Doing nothing will result in someone eventually cheating or a lifetime of misery, loneliness and disappointment. You are heading to a dead-end fast. You need to act.

[holistic17]

Wow. You really do need to tell him everything that's on your mind. If the feeling is mutual, which you feel it might be, then end the relationship. Your approach that you need to settle and stick with him forever is just plain silly. You have a chance to start over again at any stage in life. If you break up with this one, the right man for marriage and commitment might be just around the corner! Stop wasting your life plodding along thinking that this is all it is. Take a chance.

[franciss]

I've brought all of it up before, multiple times. Most of the time, his canned response is "I don't know what you're talking about". If I asked him about the future, he tells me that I need to "believe in" him. If I talk about the past, he'll usually pretend that he has no idea what I'm talking about.

 

Example of this behavior: The day before Valentine's Day, I texted him asking if he was planning something special for us. He said "of course I am" and told me to believe in him. Valentine's Day comes. And it's just like any other day except I got a chocolate bar and card. When I brought up how I wished we were more romantic as a couple, I used Vday as an example. He told me he had no idea what I was talking about. I then showed him the text he wrote to me. He then said that he does know what I'm talking about, was planning on doing something special, but things didn't go as planned. Lots of this kind of behavior in our relationship. [i only got him a card too. I used to put more effort into Vday as well. Homemade candlelit dinners. Thoughtful gifts. This year, I gave up.]

 

I still would rather be with him than be completely alone in the world. I don't have family, and I don't have close friends. He's the closest thing to family. So we are together. But still, I'm a bit sour about it all. At the same time, I feel kind of silly talking about it here. It's not like I'm in an abusive relationship. He is kind, though not terribly thoughtful. He hasn't cheated on me; at least not that I know of. We're not great together, but we get along ok. Trying to focus on myself, my work, friends, even my cat... anything at all. But I still feel pretty damn empty.

[vesper]

I see your point but I think you were too harsh on him regarding the valentine's day gift. A card ONLY would have been just fine, but a card and chocolate seems pretty thoughtful to me.

[franciss]

I see your point but I think you were too harsh on him regarding the valentine's day gift. A card ONLY would have been just fine, but a card and chocolate seems pretty thoughtful to me.

 

It's not the Vday gift that bothered me. Just the fact that he had lied about making special plans and romance is missing from our relationship. Also bothered that his job provides next to zero work-life balance. I feel pretty lonely most of the time.

[franciss]

Wow. You really do need to tell him everything that's on your mind. If the feeling is mutual, which you feel it might be, then end the relationship. Your approach that you need to settle and stick with him forever is just plain silly. You have a chance to start over again at any stage in life. If you break up with this one, the right man for marriage and commitment might be just around the corner! Stop wasting your life plodding along thinking that this is all it is. Take a chance.

 

I'm terrified of giving up the best thing I have, as imperfect as it is. 7 years. It's the longest relationship I've been in. We share so many memories together.

[DancingFool]

I'm terrified of giving up the best thing I have, as imperfect as it is. 7 years. It's the longest relationship I've been in. We share so many memories together.

 

Really, this so called best thing in your life is driving you to depression, despair, giving up on life and your dreams. I wouldn't call that a good thing, let a lone a best thing.

 

It's your life to live. If you give up on your dreams, you will have to live with the consequences. You fear being alone? Who says he won't dump you a month from now or in 5 years or 10 years when you have truly given up everything, can never have a family, have no other chances, etc. Don't let fear control you because in this case, what you fear the most can very easily happen, UNLESS you take control of your life back and actually start pursuing what you want again and actively so.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately you can squeeze blood out of stone.

IThe day before Valentine's Day, I texted him asking if he was planning something special for us. He said "of course I am" and told me to believe in him. Valentine's Day comes. And it's just like any other day except I got a chocolate bar and card. I only got him a card too.

[aroud]

I can understand that after 7 years in you are reflecting and thinking have you both progressed as a couple? That is a long time, and if you think you're in stasis / stuck in a rut with no prospect of anything ever changing, that's a serious problem. Life is indeed short, and everyone has a right to want to kick start their life back into life. Doing that together as a couple sounds like a big ask right now.

 

Your bf's job is a huge problem. Long hours, week in week out, probably reduces him mentally such that being a good bf or husband becomes a massive effort. Where is the slice of him which you need to feel like this relationship is working and is loving? Now I don't know how feasible it is for him to make that change, and if he wants to, but if he did have a job with normal hours, things could change dramatically. I'm only speaking from experience, and when I've been worked to death, the slice of me for my other half just isn't there - and that causes a problem. Getting on top of this in a timely manner is really crucial, or we start tunneling our whole relationship into misery.

 

I would have another serious discussion with him and say it's got so bad that you two have to change something. Explore the options together. Can you guys move to another city or place where there's work? Are there other jobs he could do that are less destructive to him and to your relationship? If these options have not been explored make sure you do it together and don't dismiss anything. I can't see how he'd want to live like this forever. Work is seldom life itself.

[franciss]

This morning bf asked me what is going on, and I told him that I wanted us to spend more time together. We didn't talk about what needs to change in order for that to happen. But for the first time in a long time, he stayed a bit to have cereal with me. Afterwards, he vacuumed up the feathers left by my cat (kitty brought a bird home...) without my asking him to. That was very sweet and out-of-character. I don't think anything will really change; he's getting a promotion and that just means more responsibilities and longer hours. But nevertheless, it was nice of him to make an effort to make my morning better.

[reinventmyself]

This morning bf asked me what is going on, and I told him that I wanted us to spend more time together. We didn't talk about what needs to change in order for that to happen. But for the first time in a long time, he stayed a bit to have cereal with me. Afterwards, he vacuumed up the feathers left by my cat (kitty brought a bird home...) without my asking him to. That was very sweet and out-of-character. I don't think anything will really change; he's getting a promotion and that just means more responsibilities and longer hours. But nevertheless, it was nice of him to make an effort to make my morning better.

I think you owe it to both of you to tell him exactly what you are feeling, what you want and what you are prepared to do about it.

At the very least you'll know you tried everything before you give up on it.

No regrets.