Acceptance

[DrkHrt]

So I took a few days to just assess everything (I became a little crazy and realised I was posting thread after thread about the same futile situation) and I don't actually know if 'acceptance' is the right word for how I feel, but I guess I realise he is gone and that I have to leave it at that.

The thing is, I am struggling to feel excited about the future now. People say that spending time with family and friends helps, and immersing yourself in activities helps- but I find that these are more distractions for a few hours.

The nights are the most difficult- because as soon as I close that bedroom for behind me, I realise that I am alone and there is nowhere to hide from the pain.

This particular thread is not one where I am seeking answers, it is more just a way to vent.

I have am trying to make an appointment with my doctor to look at therapy options- (although there are no appointments until next week which is a little frustrating).

[Betterwithout]

Vent away. It is therapy in it's own right.

Glad you have reached acceptance...it is one of the least painful stages of grieving and shows that you are one step closer to healing.

 

Best wishes

[DrkHrt]

Thank you Betterwithout. I think I have been telling myself that this relationship was something it wasn't as a way od masking the empty void and the pain.

I have learnt in the past couple of days that he may very well have been unfaithful (or at least had intent to be), which was a MASSIVE blow and added a whole new stack of pain to the pain that was already there. But in a way it helped me to forgive myself because however perfect he made himself out to be, one thing I was NOT in unfaithful. Moody and difficult, yes, but not a cheat.

I was going to confront him about this but then I figured that since I couldn't prove it anyway, it would be a waste of time and cause me more pain. If he did have any indescretions, that's on his own conscience- no amount of arguments or issues in the bedroom is going to make me blame myself for that.

I am a long way off of 'happy', but all I can do right now is better myself and make positive changes in my life.

[Doc Blaze]

you aren't going to heal over night but you have to start telling yourself its time to move on.

 

my gf and I broke up a little bit before thanksgiving and I still struggle daily. I am in a lot better place now but I do think about her still some.

 

I just take it day by day. some days are good some bad. I have been watching a lot of Netflix at night, most likely comedy and it def helped

me get through the lonely nights.

[Betterwithout]

I am a long way off of 'happy', but all I can do right now is better myself and make positive changes in my life.

 

Glad you know this critical direction to go. Your next relationship will flourish very well if you are happy with your own life.

Many jump into a rebound relationship as part of the healing process, works for some, but for others it can prolong the healing time.

You are responsible for your own happiness. This is why I have the signature that I do. v to remind others as well as myself.

[Matt3939]

That's what this forum is for. There's countless people who have or are in your situation. Posting and reading others experience's has helped me pass the time and learn. Good luck

[Dahl]

Not only are you warmly welcome here, and I hope you find answers that serve you well - the members here give truly remarkable advice and input, I feel, but please also take a look at the 'journals' section. It's a lovely place to divulge yourself of your thoughts and feelings without necessarily having to structure them in any way other than what you feel suits you best in the moment.

 

I wish you very well!

[SooSad33]

You're working on it.. and it's a process.

 

You're still feeling down.. that's normal. The lonliness.. missing them, etc. All takes time.

 

Good idea to look into some prof help. I do therapy at least once a month and occasionally group.

Meanwhile, try writing. Write your feelings.. use your words.. let it out.

I've done this for yrs... have many booklets on my words. Things Im thinking.. or want to say.

 

Grieving loss always takes time and we go thru phases.. denial.. anger.. pains... confusion..etc. Until acceptance.. healing.

[Iggy5129]

Yay so proud of you!! I'm glad you're starting to heal (however slowly it might be).

 

Did you remove yourself from the account and send his stuff back yet? It's ok if you haven't but it might help you distance yourself from the situation even more.

 

Keep up the good work!

[No1]

Been reading your posts and they start off sounding positive, then you go back, like you rubber band back to the feeling of despair. But the desire to feel better is there. Reading your posts made me think of something. People, adults and children will restrict their happiness or potential to keep from making another person they love feel inferior. I sense that you want to feel better, but I feel that there is a bit of guilt if you actually do let yourself become happy. Its like.. if you are happy, then you might feel that you insult the X. Somehow the relationship didnt mean anything or you never loved them, or you sabotage your progression because you have not seen your X progress. So when you feel better or when you feel that you are progressing, you repress your happiness. You do not allow it to go further so you dont hurt your X.

[DrkHrt]

No1 thank you for your comment. My comments did go back and forth and I won't lie, most of them were sent in an erratic state of mind.

Today I am thinking much more clearly and finding out a couple of things regarding my ex the other day put things into a perspective that is proving more helpful to begin that process.

Your theory is interesting and I'm not sure if I completely understood it.

I wouldn't say I feel guilty about being happy- I do want to be happy. I just find that what happens is, I will have 'good' days where I will drag myself out of bed and think 'okay, today I'm going to be productive and I'm not going to think about my ex'.

And then a few hours pass and it's like that pit in my stomach will gradually creep in, the anxiety creeps in and then I gradually start to think about my ex. And then once he's there, that's it. And it's like, to soothe the anxiety/sadness I will either trawl over his social media, or send him some kind of futile text. Like my way of having him close, I suppose. And also, I guess it's my way of trying to understand how he's feeling- I kinda think 'if I'm hurting this bad, are you as well?' And that's been the pattern for the whole breakup.

 

I realise that all of this is wrong and self-destructive. I haven't done anything of that nature today, and I really plan on keeping it that way. I cannot guarantee a smooth recovery, or a better tomorrow, but today I'm okay and 'okay' is a step in the right direction.

[DrkHrt]

Okay bear with me because I'm responding to multiple points here- thank you for your lovely comments but it's easier to respond in one post rather than several lol.

Writing about my feelings is something I know to be very healing as I have done that before. I did read on here one person saying that perhaps it's not good to write too often because by writing about the breakup excessively could keep it in my mind too much.

As far as rebounding is concerned, maybe in the past I would've done that (doesn't work, I speak from experience) but this breakup has hit me harder than ever and has raised major trust issues in me that will take time to process. So I won't be dating anytime soon, and I am certainly not one for 'hook-ups' either.

 

One thing that I will say has really sunk in today is the realisation that I'm really not alone.

I guess a part of me thought my situation was 'different' and that maybe I had the power to win my ex back. But I now realise that noone's situation is unique- we all have the same thing in common- a broken heart. And maybe I never truly took the time to acknowledge this fact before because of denial.

I realise that I was previously being a little defensive with my threads, and I didn't like it when someone would basically tell me the truth. It was hard to hear, and it wasn't what I WANTED to hear-complete denial.

I realise that any kind of loss is a common feeling shared by millions every day- but wallowing in those feelings serves no good whatsoever. I've lost two months of my life obsessing about my ex. It may sound strange, but I didn't even realise that spring was around the corner until I saw the sun shining today and realised that it was just after the New Year that this all started- I completely lost all track and sense of time.

 

Definitely a day of enlightenment, to say the least.

[DrkHrt]

Oh and the joint account and giving stuff back hasn't been resolved.

I actually was on my way to his house a few days ago with the belongings and the bank card (the belongings are small enough to be posted through his letter box). It was all in an envelope and I was literally going to post it and walk away.

But then my journey came to a halt when the bus didn't turn up, so I took it as a bad sign and turned back home with the envelope.

I realised that I was putting too much focus onto the joint account and the belongings out of my feelings of denial.

So as it stands I'm just leaving all of that alone- it's not going to affect me anytime soon.

[boltnrun]

Mail the things to him.

 

You know going there in person is just another tactic to try to see him so he'll (hopefully) change his mind about breaking up with you.

 

One sure way to start on the road to healing is to stop the BEHAVIORS that keep you tied to him.

 

Stop looking at his social media (inactivate your accounts if you need to), delete his number from your phone and block it, go to the bank and remove yourself from the account and mail him his stuff. If it can fit through the letter box it can fit in a mail box.

 

And don't say "I CAN'T" do any of those things, because you can. Saying you "can't" is, again, an excuse.

 

Remember, every step you take away from him is a step you take toward your happier future.

 

As for the feelings, don't beat yourself up. I used to say to myself "Suck it up, this won't last forever". If I cried, I gave myself a time limit, say 10 minutes, then I'd say "OK, that's enough. Time to go do something else". I found that giving myself permission to feel bad made the bad feelings shorter.

[DrkHrt]

Boltnrun I do allow myself to cry and have those feelings, and you are right that it is important to limit/control them.

As unhealthy as going through his social media was, it revealed some very clear evidence that he was unfaithful, probably throughout the entire relationship. He had had indescrections before which I forgave so I wasn't surprised at what I saw. The bad side to my snooping is that I now have those images seared to my brain (there were some very explicit and disturbing activity on his Twitter), but it's good because it is forcing me to stop putting him/the relationship on a pedestal and blaming myself for everything.

[Dahl]

it is forcing me to stop putting him/the relationship on a pedestal and blaming myself for everything.

 

How clever of you. You are doing the right things. I'm impressed by your resolve.

 

Good luck. I hope you find brighter days ahead and soon. Hang in!

[DrkHrt]

Thank you Dahl.

[No1]

Drk... the important thing here is that you are doing okay. What you are going thru a a normal progression of accepting a situation where a broken heart took place and now you have to heal from it. Right now you have to do what is right for your heart to heal. You are going to go thru a number of feelings thru your day. Its like you are on a swing and as you swing, you will hit certain points and those points are feelings. You might stop at anger, or sadness, depression, and every so often you will hit acceptance. As time goes and with your help, that time you stay on acceptance will last longer and longer until you have moved on.

Might I suggest, reading or researching on self meditation. Doesnt have to be major, but learn how to breathe, relax and visualize. Here is why. When the thought of an X enters your mind, you have about 30 seconds before it emotionally takes over. So what you do is learn to 1. Accept that the thought is there. 2. Accept that you two broke up and it is over. 3. accept that your x is not coming back. 4. understand that you control your own happiness 5. Deal with the moment and let it go.

We do this by self meditation. Works for me. A thought enters your head, you stop or slow down what you are doing, breathe nice and deep hold it in for 5 seconds, then slowly exhale (5 second exhale) then visualize the thought flowing away from your body. It takes practice, but its simple. Then when you feel better.. you go about your day. Read about it... if you want to

[DrkHrt]

Thank you No1, I may try that as I have never tried meditation.

I have to admit, the situation of him 'popping up' happens continuously throughout the day. I see him everywhere. Someone will say a particular word which would seem insignificant and boom, it reminds me of him and he's right there in my head. And once it takes hold it usually makes me miserable for ages and often ruins the day.

So this could be worth a shot.

[hrb23]

So I took a few days to just assess everything (I became a little crazy and realised I was posting thread after thread about the same futile situation) and I don't actually know if 'acceptance' is the right word for how I feel, but I guess I realise he is gone and that I have to leave it at that.

The thing is, I am struggling to feel excited about the future now. People say that spending time with family and friends helps, and immersing yourself in activities helps- but I find that these are more distractions for a few hours.

The nights are the most difficult- because as soon as I close that bedroom for behind me, I realise that I am alone and there is nowhere to hide from the pain.

This particular thread is not one where I am seeking answers, it is more just a way to vent.

I have am trying to make an appointment with my doctor to look at therapy options- (although there are no appointments until next week which is a little frustrating).

 

I know this is a goofy solution for a much deeper problem but I listen to podcasts.

 

I have a few different ones I like the most and just listening to people talk without having to respond can help to make me feel less alone without the need to exert myself in conversation I'm only half heartedly focused on.

 

I'll get in bed and put my favorite basketball podcast on and just turn down the volume gradually as I get sleepier until I'm ready to fall asleep.

 

Might not work for you but I thought it was worth at least suggesting.

[DrkHrt]

Hrb23 I haven't tried podcasts, but I see the logic there.

Having a comforting voice talking about a topic you find interesting is something I do- It could be anything from Cartoons to comedy shows- I don't have to look at the screen, but hearing the voices is comforting and helps me sleep.

One thing I do a LOT is leave cooking shows playing quietly in the background- as a massive food enthusiast it is very relaxing to hear the sounds of cooking and someone talking about food.

So no, doesn't sound goofy at all

[Dahl]

I have a friend who is currently living for the solace provided by his YouTube channel subscriptions (a variety of interests and subjects).