confused910 Posted March 6, 2017 Share Posted March 6, 2017 Hello all! I have been visiting these forums for quite some time but figured I'd ask your opinion directly on this one I apologize for its length and I promise it's a quick read, but any insight would be greatly appreciated My ex and I broke up about a year ago with the intention on getting back together at some point in the future. We loved each other very, very much but she had to mature and get her life together in a major way. I only felt like I was in the way of her doing so and was scared of what would happen if she didn't straighten her own life out. I took the high road and left, telling her that I would be there for her always and throughout what she was going through. It was amicable. She simply wasn't ready for a relationship in any way. Right person, wrong time. Since then, we have spoken a handful of times, but she always will initiate contact then run away from it. For instance, we bumped into each other on the street one day months after the breakup and we spoke for about fifteen minutes. She held my hand while speaking to me (it was an emotional conversation) and even invited me out to lunch later on three different times. But then when I texted her about the lunch days later, she never responded. We spoke another time since then months later in which she told me she would speak to me soon, but I never heard from her after that. About a week later, she posted a cryptic message on social media about how two people could be so in love but not in the same place to make it work. Yet I know that she hasn't been in a true relationship since our breakup. Most recently, about a month ago, she contacted me for my birthday four days before my actual birthday at 3 AM saying "Hope that you're well. Your birthday is coming up!" Which I thought was odd, as if she has some countdown going on. The fact that it was at 3 AM sounded impulsive to me too. I responded in the morning, she responded once twelve hours later, then never wrote back again. I confronted her about why she does this to me about two weeks ago and she said that she doesn't always think before she acts and she didn't mean to harm me ever at all. I personally took that as meaning that she is impulsive, which was a frequent problem when we were together (she acts with her heart and not with her head). She has many mental issues (that I helped her through and I love her to death), and her anxiety often keeps her away from the situations she truly wants the most. She is an extremely avoidant individual when she gets nervous or anxious, shutting down for months at a time. She is also terrified of intimacy and commitment and that became a deterrent as well, giving us a very push-pull dynamic. I suppose my question is, what do you make of her response? And is it really possible to text an ex at 3 AM for their birthday days in advance when you certainly are not friends and mean absolutely nothing by it? I have been speaking to people since, but I suppose my mind still wanders from time to time about what really went on Link to comment
Betterwithout Posted March 6, 2017 Share Posted March 6, 2017 Your question: I suppose my question is, what do you make of her response? Your Answer: She has many mental issues It's hard to navigate the deep waters of mental illness. Kudos for being there for her, it takes a strong person to do that. It has been and will continue to be a struggle to be in a friendship or relationship with her. It is really up to you whether you can cope with this type of relationship. It's hard to shut down someone with a good heart (even though her head is not in the right place) I don't know if I can offer any advice other than that. Are you ok with a friendship/relationship that has unpredictability? Link to comment
Clio Posted March 6, 2017 Share Posted March 6, 2017 She simply wasn't ready for a relationship in any way. she always will initiate contact then run away from it. she said that she doesn't always think before she acts she is impulsive, which was a frequent problem when we were together (she acts with her heart and not with her head). She is an extremely avoidant individual when she gets nervous or anxious, shutting down for months at a time. She is also terrified of intimacy and commitment and that became a deterrent as well, giving us a very push-pull dynamic. I suppose my question is, what do you make of her response? And is it really possible to text an ex at 3 AM for their birthday days in advance when you certainly are not friends and mean absolutely nothing by it? I have been speaking to people since, but I suppose my mind still wanders from time to time about what really went on Her response and actions were congruent with all her previous behaviour. If you can't see this, then you really need to take a step back. Her behaviour was nothing out of the ordinary based on how she has acted the whole time since your break up and even before that. You, yourself wrote that she always will initiate contact then run away from it. The real problem is that you refuse to see how she really is and to accept that she was NEVER the right person for a relationship to begin with. She has multiple-issues that make her unsuitable for a relationship. The million dollar question that you should be concentrating on is what it is within you that keeps you stuck in denial and on someone who is clearly incompatible/unsuitable for a relationship/NOT the right person for you/who keeps flaking out on you, a YEAR on. A year on, you are still stalking her social media and analyzing her every move. She has consistently shown that her intimacy and commitment issues are too great to have a healthy relationship with anyone and in any case, she is incapable/NOT really interested in having one with you or she wouldn't keep disappearing. Given all the data that you have accumulated, thinking that she was ever the right person to begin with is delusional. You need to go strict no contact, block her, stop learning anything new about her and carry on with your life. Admittedly, a very push-pull dynamic can be VERY addicting, but this is all there is to it. You need to overcome this pointless addiction and find someone who is stable and doesn't pull this kind of crap on you. Anything else is unhealthy and you need to seriously consider your role in this, as it takes two to sustain such an unhealthy dynamic. You only live once. You are never going to get back the time you waste on her. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted March 6, 2017 Share Posted March 6, 2017 Unfortunately this contact doesn't sound like an attempt to get back together. After a year of sporadic contact she doesn't sound ready willing or able to have a sustained relationship. What do you mean by this? ex and I broke up about a year ago and was scared of what would happen if she didn't straighten her own life out." What is it she needs to straighten out? What is your hope with this? To be friends? Reconcile? about a month ago, she contacted me for my birthday four days before my actual birthday at 3 AM saying "Hope that you're well. Your birthday is coming up!" I confronted her about why she does this to me about two weeks ago and she said that she doesn't always think before she acts and she didn't mean to harm me ever at all. She has many mental issues Link to comment
Kevin P Posted March 6, 2017 Share Posted March 6, 2017 Unfortunately this contact doesn't sound like an attempt to get back together. After a year of sporadic contact she doesn't sound ready willing or able to have a sustained relationship. What do you mean by this? ex and I broke up about a year ago and was scared of what would happen if she didn't straighten her own life out." What is it she needs to straighten out? What is your hope with this? To be friends? Reconcile? do you flip burgers? Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted March 6, 2017 Share Posted March 6, 2017 She is being impulsive and when you are impulsive a 3am text seems like a good idea in the moment. Had she had good intentions she would be on your doorstep. Accept no less and don't read into random sightings, broken dates and late night texts. It's honestly pretty selfish on her part to keep popping in and out of your life If you were meant to be she would not have risked losing you to begin with. Link to comment
confused910 Posted March 6, 2017 Author Share Posted March 6, 2017 Your question: Your Answer: It's hard to navigate the deep waters of mental illness. Kudos for being there for her, it takes a strong person to do that. It has been and will continue to be a struggle to be in a friendship or relationship with her. It is really up to you whether you can cope with this type of relationship. It's hard to shut down someone with a good heart (even though her head is not in the right place) I don't know if I can offer any advice other than that. Are you ok with a friendship/relationship that has unpredictability? I am going to agree with both you and Clio on many accounts. When I look at people I only see their potential and who I know they can be rather than who they are at the moment. It was very helpful for you to even bring up the fact that I answered my own question, in essence. I would be okay with some more minimal level of instability if she got the help that she needed. None of her issues are certainly a choice and she was dealing with grief, addiction, and mental diagnoses, really altogether at the same time. It was very hard for me to watch loving her so much and certainly something that she had to figure out on her own without the pressure of my presence. I felt selfish to put the weight of me and everything that comes with me on top of the very heavy load that she was already being dealt, especially when she's incredibly intimidated by commitment and intimacy due to her issues even before any of this happened. I know that she is doing better now but still probably has a ways to go and I really just want her to be okay. I love her very much and always will, though I am very realistic about the situation and do not ever get in touch with her on my own. Thank you for your input. It was very helpful Link to comment
confused910 Posted March 6, 2017 Author Share Posted March 6, 2017 Unfortunately this contact doesn't sound like an attempt to get back together. After a year of sporadic contact she doesn't sound ready willing or able to have a sustained relationship. What do you mean by this? ex and I broke up about a year ago and was scared of what would happen if she didn't straighten her own life out." What is it she needs to straighten out? What is your hope with this? To be friends? Reconcile? I would like to reconcile one day, even if it is years and years down the road when she has gotten the help that she needs and we both have grown and become better people for it. She is an incredible person and I can only hope that one day she will ever just do that for herself, apart from anyone else. She was dependent on substances and grieving the loss of a very close relative and coping with very delayed but needed mental diagnoses. None of these issues were asked for, of course, and she already had a rough go to begin with. It really was just acid in a wound. Thank you Link to comment
confused910 Posted March 6, 2017 Author Share Posted March 6, 2017 She is being impulsive and when you are impulsive a 3am text seems like a good idea in the moment. Had she had good intentions she would be on your doorstep. Accept no less and don't read into random sightings, broken dates and late night texts. It's honestly pretty selfish on her part to keep popping in and out of your life If you were meant to be she would not have risked losing you to begin with. Agreed regarding her selfishness, which is why I called her behavior out two weeks ago. It is incredibly self serving of her to still want to remind me of her or something like that, whatever the motive is, when she clearly isn't ready to jump back in. I wouldn't mind if she actually continued the conversation and we spoke platonically every once in a while, actually I welcome that, but this in and out is just far too confusing and rollercoaster-y. I don't think she had a choice in leaving me, well actually, I didn't give her a choice. I knew that she was going through one of the roughest times I've really ever seen anyone go through in many regards simultaneously and we always had plans to meet someday down the road, be it months or years. This was well decided and very amicable on both sides. Time was truly the only tonic in this situation... I wish it was more of a quick fix choice! I think her flaw now is her impulsivity and really not thinking out her contact with me before she puts it through. Clearly if she wanted to cut all contact, she simply would and not ever even offer anything in the first place. In some way, I have a gut feeling that she does it to slyly remind me of her or just see if even I'm still here for her by responding, but yes, that is innately selfish and I will agree completely on that account. Link to comment
confused910 Posted March 6, 2017 Author Share Posted March 6, 2017 Thank you everyone! You have been so helpful. I'm happy I took the leap in posting Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted March 6, 2017 Share Posted March 6, 2017 Sorry to hear this. She does need ongoing therapy and support groups for this. She was dependent on substances and very delayed but needed mental diagnoses. Link to comment
Betterwithout Posted March 6, 2017 Share Posted March 6, 2017 Sorry to hear this. She does need ongoing therapy and support groups for this. Indeed, continued treatment. Thankfully these days, the stigma of seeking therapy is fading. When we break our arm, we go to the hospital and get a cast. We are lives become broken, we need a doctor to help us heal too. Assure her that you support her healing. Link to comment
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