Hurt, feel betrayed

[Missy k]

Hey all. I'm new here, I would really appreciate everyone's advice

 

I don't know how to start this..but here we go..I had kept myself to myself, and never really made guy mates or bf as I don't trust men. I know all are not same (but because of my dad I didn't have a good/relaxed childhood as others) so I didn't wanna give anyone the chance to hurt me.

 

I avoided guys and to be honest I never had no such desires to fulfil. All I wanted to do was to have a career and support my family.

I wasn't even on social media or anything. 5/6 years back I spoke to someone online (on hotmail messenger) we spoke and got to know each other, now I realise I told him more then he needed to know about me.

 

Anyway after talking for few months on hotmail we exchanged numbers and I only gave it coz he'd beg for it at that time I was just 21. He'd always joke and flirt but I didn't really know if he was flirting or he was serious so I'd ask him and he'd say he's serious. Later he wanted to be with me, I said no and he already knew the reason why. We kept talking and he kept assuring me he's different and not like others. He won't hurt me etc as all would say to get someone they want or want to play with. He said I'm the only one he talks to online but it was hard for me to believe but he kept assuring me and said you're not on social media even I'm not on it, you're not the only one who's talking to only one person, just like I'm the only one you talk to you're the only one I speak to.

 

I gave in, I thought yeah I can't be the only one, there are many people who aren't on social media and don't wanna interact with many people.

 

He'd beg me to be with him, he'd cry and say he's hurt coz of me, he'd stop eating (I thought he stopped eating completely, later got to know he used to drink and eat crisps, chocs etc but not like proper food) I found it weird, why would u do something like this? Or how can you fall in love with someone online? It was hard for me to trust people in real how could I trust someone online? But I kept thinking if I'm telling him the truth he's doing the same.

 

After 2yrs of talking I gave in, not for myself but him, I gave him a chance. Few days after getting together we were talking about age, and he told me he lied about his age, he's 9 yrs my senior! I cried and cried..and broke up with him saying il never trust him or anyone else again, he cried and said he if e hadn't lied I wouldn't have spoke to him or gave him a chance. Like a fool I forgave him even though I was not happy with the age difference I didn't want someone that bigger then myself but for his happiness and coz I said I love you to him I tried ignoring that fact.

 

After sometime we met, but before meeting I said to him I don't want us to make out or do anything sextual He agreed. So we met and hugged..he seemed very mischievous and was not how I thought he was. I was with him but never felt happy in our relationship so I'd keep talking about breaking up. But we lasted together 3yrs, he agreed to not have sex before our marriage (maybe sounds old school but I just wanted one man in my life, and take things forward after marriage) but when we kept meeting he'd touch me inappropriately I'd stop him but he'd laugh, he forced himself on me and kissed me, I cried but he hugged me and smiled saying it's all ok we can do it there's nothing wrong. After that I didn't wanna meet him but we kept meeting as he'd insist, he would make cuts on his hand and say he's gonna kill himself because of me, I should meet him and stay at his place so I did, no one knew where I was staying, Again he forced himself on me, we didn't have sex but he always touched me against my will, I always felt scared but was with him as he was the first man in my life.

 

I wanted to join Facebook but he didn't allow me, even though he's on it. He never gave me his password. Few months back I got to know he talks to millions of girls, he has been to prostitues, had many one night stands and is having affairs with married women it broke me apart. I feel as though he's taken away my everything. The first hug, the first touch the kiss everything is special but he just forced himself on me so there was nothing special. He emotionally blackmailed me all the time and just used me.

 

I wasted so much time on him when I could've been doing better things. I am shattered, he knew Iv put all my trust in him and trust him blindly, never asked him for anything or to prove he loves me then why did he play me?? Didn't my feelings matter to him? I avoided such relationships because I didn't wanna get hurt but because I cared for his feelings I got this reward. He doesn't regret anything.

 

I don't know what to do I am sorry I wrote way too much

[hyden]

Thats the problem with online relationships. No matter what you think you know about someone, you might be wrong. Its easy to decieve in online relationships. It actually pains me calling them 'relationships'.

 

As far as your deeper isuses, please seek counseling so that you can seperate your negative experiences from the general pool of 'men'. I would not resume trying to date in any form until you have done so.

[gebaird]

There's a special place in hell for guys like him.

 

If you haven't stopped talking to him already, make sure you block him everywhere. Change your number & email address, etc. if you have to so you won't fall back under his influence. You were vulnerable and he took advantage of you. Staying away from him will keep you safe.

 

It sounds like you've had a difficult past. I would be very cautious about getting into relationships in the future, until you've had time to heal. Therapy could help you a lot, if it's an option for you. If not, reading books about healthy relationships might make a difference.

 

It's important to learn how to assert yourself, how to speak your mind and how to say "no" when you feel uncomfortable. No one has a right to treat you the way this guy treated you.

 

I'm sorry for your pain and hope you can find healing.

[vesper]

It sounds to me like you need a wake-up call. You are not ready to be in any kind of relationship neither with him or anyone else. You need to take time to focus on your own well-being.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this was you first relationship. But you started talking at 21 and started dating at 23 then stayed for 3 yrs until 26? Were you working or going to school at this time? Were you living with your parents? Did your friends or family know about him?

 

It sounds like you learned a lot about red flags, deal breakers and the type of men to avoid. Of course never be a martyr or victim and do this: "I gave in, not for myself but him".

 

Agree take a break from dating after this bad experience. Maybe get therapy to discuss everything and learn about what healthy relationships look like.

he told me he lied about his age, he's 9 yrs my senior! ..he seemed very mischievous. Again he forced himself on me, we didn't have sex but he always touched me against my will, I always felt scared but was with him. I wasted so much time on him when I could've been doing better things.

[Missy k]

Thats the problem with online relationships. No matter what you think you know about someone, you might be wrong. Its easy to decieve in online relationships. It actually pains me calling them 'relationships'.

 

As far as your deeper isuses, please seek counseling so that you can seperate your negative experiences from the general pool of 'men'. I would not resume trying to date in any form until you have done so.

 

I never wanted to be in any sort of relationship and was not looking for someone online, I was just friends with him and he was the only one I spoke to, unfortunately told him a lot about myself and never lied to him.

It's hard trusting people in real, I was never up for a relationship online but I didn't want someone else to be hurt beucause of me.

 

Yes I am considering counselling.. il never be in any relationship again it was always marriage or nothing for me, but I just gave into his sweet words. I feel disgusted in myself, i never wanted him to touch me but he still did..he always said how lucky he feels to be the first one to be in my life. He's just left bad memories nothing else.

[Missy k]

There's a special place in hell for guys like him.

 

If you haven't stopped talking to him already, make sure you block him everywhere. Change your number & email address, etc. if you have to so you won't fall back under his influence. You were vulnerable and he took advantage of you. Staying away from him will keep you safe.

 

It sounds like you've had a difficult past. I would be very cautious about getting into relationships in the future, until you've had time to heal. Therapy could help you a lot, if it's an option for you. If not, reading books about healthy relationships might make a difference.

 

It's important to learn how to assert yourself, how to speak your mind and how to say "no" when you feel uncomfortable. No one has a right to treat you the way this guy treated you.

 

I'm sorry for your pain and hope you can find healing.

 

Thank you for your reply. I have stopped talking to him. I look back and see he hardly told me anything about himself. I always had doubts but instead of going to someone else I spoke to him and he'd say I am over thinking. He loves me is committed just like me, he will never leave or hurt me. Those were nothing but sweet words as his actions spoke louder than his words.

 

I've always said no to him for touching me he agreed but forced himself on me anyway, I wish I could do something.

[Missy k]

It sounds to me like you need a wake-up call. You are not ready to be in any kind of relationship neither with him or anyone else. You need to take time to focus on your own well-being.

 

True. I was not ready for any relationship and I don't think I will be for a long time.

 

When I got to know how he's like, he started calling me names..wh**e, sl*t etc I feel hurt he never had no respect for me? I was nothing but a thing for him to play with..sighs.

[vesper]

There are plenty of guys out there that will play with your emotions and use you for sexual gratification. Don't worry, you are not the only one who has been there. CHIN-UP! go on with your life. Take on a new hobby, spend time with family and friends, be well.

[melancholy123]

You were a victim of your own naiveté and poor judgement. I think you need some therapy to work thru your mistrust of men in general and this jerk in particular as he took major advantage of you. Dont get mixed up with guys online ever again, you cannot know who you are actually talking to and confiding in. That guy is proof of that.

[Clio]

He was scum for sure. However, you really need to reflect on and change your mentality. You do have a responsibility to protect and take care of yourself. You are an adult. You kept ignoring red flags and kept going back even though he kept violating your boundaries. That's was self-destructive behaviour and indicates that you need to work with a professional towards building self-love and readjusting your inner blueprint/notions of what love really is/inner thinking patterns. Healthy boundaries are paramount in all relationships. When someone keeps violating your boundaries it's on you to up and leave. Touching a red stove more than once is self-destructive behaviour and so was going back to him time after time. You need to acknowledge the problem/your part in this in order to fix it.

[coolgirl]

Sorry that your going through this. A quick word of advice stay away from online dating, this is coming from a person that's been through this for the past 8 years. They'll tell you what you want to hear " oh I'm this I'm that " that's a line of bull and we both know that. And at the end you find out stuff about them that will crush you at the end. I'm like you I don't trust anyone anymore. I can't and wont. I was introduced to someone myself a couple of weeks ago the guy seemed nice so on the first date he was a gentleman bought me flowers. Prior to that we spoke on the phone for hours before we met up.

 

Anyhow, he was all over me wanting to touch me and have sex with me in the back car seat. I was set back a whole lot. I didn't talk to him for 20 minutes on our way to dinner. He's like please talk to me and we did. He drops a bomb shell on me that he has cancer. It did not bother me but didn't know the severity of it. I myself have bipolar disorder so i cant have stress in my life because of the high anxitey i have. I told him before we ever met so he knew. And he cant have stress either because of his condition he gave me an option to stay or leave I decided to stay because I really liked him and gave him the benefit of doubt. I don't like to see the worst in people but I'll be changing my mind pretty soon on that. Lol

 

So we went to dinner ended up having a good time actually I had gotten comfortable enough with him and i did trust him enough that he wouldn’t hurt me either. So we got a hotel and ended up having sex. And more of it after. And even introduced me to his sister as well. it was great, with the I love yous I don't want to loose you you name it he said it and I did as well. 2nd week little arguments here n there but we got passed it. 3rd week it just got out of hand with yelling matches. So he decided to call it quits. I confronted him like I never did anything to hurt you, and this is the way you hurt me by avoiding me and not speaking to me for a week and walking away as if nothing. I'm like what the hell ! that he promised me on our first date if we one of decides not wanting to continue anything at least we be honest with each other. He did not such thing.

 

We only lasted for 3 weeks. And I did fall for him. 2 weeks into the relationship because everything was becoming overwhelming for both of us my anxiety kicked in badly. Took me a couple of days to calm down. I had 3 nervous breakdowns. I worry about him sometimes because he meant something to me. Yea, I'm hurt and shattered by it with the way things got left. I trusted him but now I cant.

 

So I can sympathize for what you went through and believe me when I tell you I had 2 guys lying about their age. This is what online dating is. I rather be single rather than to put up with these ridiculous drama everytime. I guess we both learned our lessons. I do sometimes worry about him. And hoping he's okay. Hope this helps a bit.

[SherrySher]

May I ask why it is you didn't stop seeing him after he forced himself on you the first time and you felt that something wasn't right?

[Missy k]

You were a victim of your own naiveté and poor judgement. I think you need some therapy to work thru your mistrust of men in general and this jerk in particular as he took major advantage of you. Dont get mixed up with guys online ever again, you cannot know who you are actually talking to and confiding in. That guy is proof of that.

 

I know I shouldn't have trusted him. I had doubts since day one but instead of asking others for advice I kept telling him how I feel. I thought he understands me, knows how hard it is for me to trust him so he won't hurt me. None of my friends or family knew about him as he didn't want anyone to know about us.

The thing now is he's got many girls, I've read some of the messages he's been sending to girls, all the girls are 9/10 years younger than him and no one knows his real age, he flirts with anyone and everyone he stays up all night and talk to girls and send them morning messages, rings and video calls them, but the poor souls don't know he's like that with everyone.

[Missy k]

May I ask why it is you didn't stop seeing him after he forced himself on you the first time and you felt that something wasn't right?

 

 

I wanted to leave every single day but he would always cry and threaten to kill himself. I kept falling for his words, I never had proof of how he really is, and he's the only one who's touched me so I thought that's it my lifes come to an end il have to be with him forever. Many times I stopped talking to him and it was easy for me but he'd always get in touch, I know I should've changed my number but at that time I could only think of him what if he hurts himself, i didn't want someone to be hurt because of me even though the whole relationship was nothing torture for me.

 

Finally everything has ended. He's loving his life sleeping around playing vulnerable people and that hurts me. I don't want anyone else to feel the pain I am feeling. I suffer from panic attacks now because of everything that happened, I wake up middle of the night shaking and crying I feel sick all the time.

[gebaird]

This is called "gaslighting," where the lying/cheating guy says YOU are the one with the problem (when in reality your judgments are absolutely accurate):

I spoke to him and he'd say I am over thinking.

 

Also, keep in mind that his view of your worth & his treatment of you have nothing to do with your actual worth:

I was nothing but a thing for him to play with..sighs.

 

Based on his manipulative threats of suicide, etc. I strongly suspect this guy is a narcissist/sociopath, and you may find yourself dealing with post-traumatic stress as a result of your experience with him.

 

I'm glad you are planning to go to counseling. A therapist can help you separate truth from lies and see this situation, and yourself, more clearly.

 

The first step in the healing process is getting out of the situation, which you've done. Step two is staying out, step three is avoiding a similar situation in the future, and step four is working through the fallout from what's already happened.

 

You didn't deserve any of this. Please remember that healing is possible, though it may take time.

[Missy k]

Sorry that your going through this. A quick word of advice stay away from online dating, this is coming from a person that's been through this for the past 8 years. They'll tell you what you want to hear " oh I'm this I'm that " that's a line of bull and we both know that. And at the end you find out stuff about them that will crush you at the end. I'm like you I don't trust anyone anymore. I can't and wont. I was introduced to someone myself a couple of weeks ago the guy seemed nice so on the first date he was a gentleman bought me flowers. Prior to that we spoke on the phone for hours before we met up.

 

Anyhow, he was all over me wanting to touch me and have sex with me in the back car seat. I was set back a whole lot. I didn't talk to him for 20 minutes on our way to dinner. He's like please talk to me and we did. He drops a bomb shell on me that he has cancer. It did not bother me but didn't know the severity of it. I myself have bipolar disorder so i cant have stress in my life because of the high anxitey i have. I told him before we ever met so he knew. And he cant have stress either because of his condition he gave me an option to stay or leave I decided to stay because I really liked him and gave him the benefit of doubt. I don't like to see the worst in people but I'll be changing my mind pretty soon on that. Lol

 

We only lasted for 3 weeks. And I did fall for him. 2 weeks into the relationship because everything was becoming overwhelming for both of us my anxiety kicked in badly. Took me a couple of days to calm down. I had 3 nervous breakdowns. I worry about him sometimes because he meant something to me. Yea, I'm hurt and shattered by it with the way things got left. I trusted him but now I cant.

 

So I can sympathize for what you went through and believe me when I tell you I had 2 guys lying about their age. This is what online dating is. I rather be single rather than to put up with these ridiculous drama everytime. I guess we both learned our lessons. I do sometimes worry about him. And hoping he's okay. Hope this helps a bit.

 

Thank you for your advice my dear. I hope you're doing well x

 

I've learnt a lesson hard way, never going down the same road ever again. Each time he tried touching me I felt as though he's raping me, I'd cry but it had no effect on him. Age gap was a big thing for me but he kept saying age doesn't matter..

 

I feel disgusting he's touched me but I am glad there was no sex as I never wanted it, what if I had given in without wanting it..I'd be in worse situation now.

 

I always said to him for me love is respect, trust, care and commitment..he can only touch me once we get married I didn't want anyone taking advantage of me (but I didn't know how to stop him) I believe everything happens for a reason, I never stepped out of my comfort zone ever but I did with him and to be honest I've learnt a lot. He was after me for so long I thought it meant something but it was nothing, he had free mins and texts he was playing many girls and saying same thing to everyone.

 

I kept thinking il never be with anyone else but guess what I've changed my mind, I won't cry over him, I've been loyal to the wrong person. One day hopefully I will find mr right and love him with all my heart. But all this will happen later, I need some time to heal, focus on my career and then maybe get married, won't let ex have a laugh thinking I'm not over him that's why I'm single etc. I really don't miss him or anything because since day one I wanted to end things but couldn't as there was this perfect image of him, I thought he loves me I can't leave without telling him and when I spoke to him about leaving he stopped me. But things ended and I had proof of him being unfaithful to me since we got together. His bad luck coz I was always honest, loyal and committed to him.

 

I'm only hurt because he played me, I should've left him earlier but I guess I wouldn't have learnt nothing.

 

I hope and pray things get better for you. You deserve a better person who will love you and means everything he says, who will stick with you through thick and thin.

I seriously can't stand people who talk big but don't mean a single word they say.

[Missy k]

This is called "gaslighting," where the lying/cheating guy says YOU are the one with the problem (when in reality your judgments are absolutely accurate):

 

 

Also, keep in mind that his view of your worth & his treatment of you have nothing to do with your actual worth:

 

 

Based on his manipulative threats of suicide, etc. I strongly suspect this guy is a narcissist/sociopath, and you may find yourself dealing with post-traumatic stress as a result of your experience with him.

 

I'm glad you are planning to go to counseling. A therapist can help you separate truth from lies and see this situation, and yourself, more clearly.

 

The first step in the healing process is getting out of the situation, which you've done. Step two is staying out, step three is avoiding a similar situation in the future, and step four is working through the fallout from what's already happened.

 

You didn't deserve any of this. Please remember that healing is possible, though it may take time.

 

Thank you soo much for your kind words.

I had trust issues and every time I spoke to him about anything he'd say I shouldn't doubt him. I was a fool to not test him, I believed everything he said but deep down I was never satisfied.

 

He can do whatever with his life but why play me? He could've just left or let me go when I wanted to, what was the point of doing what he did to me? Everything has effected me emotionally and mentally.

 

I put all my emotions and effort in the relationship. He never let me speak to no other guy ever, never allowed me to do anything I wanted to do. I look back and see how controlling he was, my happiness, my feelings or what I wanted didn't matter to him.

[SherrySher]

Have you considered personal counselling to deal with all of the issues that this relationship caused you?

You sound like a very sensitive , kind hearted person and you gave too much to this man, but you also need to stop blaming yourself. He was manipulative and emotionally black mailed you over and over.

You learnt valuable lessons from this situation that you can use to help you make better decisions in the future,so there is some kind of positive.

I am sorry to hear that you are having anxiety. Anxiety comes from feeling a loss of control, but with your healing, you will learn to gain back that control and become even stronger.

You have to decide for yourself to not let this man control you or your emotions anymore at all.

He was at fault.

I hope you can find a counsellor to help you work past all of these issues, it really will make a difference.

I wish you the best of luck.

[coolgirl]

Are you referring to me ? LOL Sorry took me a while to reply. I wanted too. I wanted to say please just take me back to my car and let's go our own seperate ways. He told me he hasn't been with a women for a long time that he hasn't had sex in a while. And sex for me is something I don't take lightly. The reason I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt was because I felt sorry for the guy. I know I didn't owe anything. But still it was bound to happen at one point to even see if there is a level of connection on physical level. But on our way to dinner again he brought it up again then I didn't talk again for 10 minutes. He knew I had gotten upset and kept telling me what's wrong why aren't you saying anything. And i told him i barley know you and you expect me to go in the back of the car to have sex with you what doesn't sound right here to you. He realized his wrong doing and apologized so many so many times and I let it go. I trusted him enough not to hurt me emotionally because I told him before we met up I'm an emotional and sensitive person just don't play me for a fool let me have some trust in you and I did.

 

May I ask why it is you didn't stop seeing him after he forced himself on you the first time and you felt that something wasn't right?