girl00 Posted February 25, 2017 Share Posted February 25, 2017 hi, im me...im 24. just recently moved to hawaii, I've been saving up for years, am a licensed massage therapist and an artist. something I've realized growing up, i might be who your thinking i am... big personality, super emotional, passionate for the environment and ocean, blah blah... anyways, moved here with my boyfriend of 5 years and left my mom dad and 19 yr old sister back in california where they were all living together. so bottom line....i was adopted, my birth mom is an alcoholic, i don't know how much genes have to do with things, heres a little backstory: I'm super emotional, I've always been "mature" adults tell me. i was in therapy from 12-19 years old.. a few times in my twenties maybe too. my mom who i actually grew up with, my REAL mom, not my birth mom, says i feel things on a 10 when they're really a 5. she has ALWAYS advocated for me, i never had to even do P.E. class because shed make up some excuse. she is wonderful, so loving and caring, she really only cares about MY feelings, no matter how irrational, she will advocate for them and support me UNLESS she actually has an opinion on it, if she has her own view on it she won't see yours at all. so the 5-10 scale thing she says i only feel 10s and up on, well, i always said thats people pretending they don't feel it that way, or acting like its a 5 when its a 10. you know, not being totally honest. well i get now that yeah, I'm a little intense, but not totally to HER extent, she is after all, in a lot of "physical pain" so taking ATIVAN (highly addictive) xanax, hydrocodone, and even liquid morphine with a mouth syringe... but that started when i was around 14, or at least thats when i noticed it, MAYBE 13, its all fuzzy for me because i started taking it too.. anyways, i went away when i was 13, got diagnosed bi polar after being "examined" in a center in texas, bipolar is like....NEVER diagnosed in a child that young, only adults really, and i really am just not bi polar..i eventually got it taken off my records, because it simply isn't true. which says a lot to me about the system and how treatment centers are controlled by the pharmaceutical industry. i don't take much of a stance on that, my life really isn't involved with any of that anymore. i focus on nature, my studies, and relationships, my beloved family and the world around me and whatever i can do to better it and help it. Yes i am a passionate person, yes i feel other people and it gets to me, it depresses me sometimes if I'm not holding myself together, but the upside to that is why i make a great therapist and that is why i am able to create art. this is why i can understand people so well and love them better. my question is...what is alcoholism really..and this is a dumb question because I've been through the twelve steps with NA, narcotics anonymous...i don't use anymore, but i do enjoy drinking. i actually love it, if i can, and i mean if i have money for some nice wine or a bottle be and whoever I'm with would enjoy together, id do it daily. i don't use anymore, i have even taken some of my old vices "medically" and worked through it without totally relapsing. my mom still offers me whatever i need based on whatever i tell her in our phone calls and visits. is it normal for your mom to hand you a baggy of pills secretly over dinner? she really honestly has good intentions. she completely denied my NA step program. i did it all on my own. so now that i drink, honestly...mostly every day, now that i live in a different state, my mom can't give me medicine...i smoke weed regularly and legally for anxiety and depression, not stopping that anytime soon... but now in hawaii my car won't be here for a few weeks and i got a job already at a great place, i do barista and convenient store type stuff along with massage where i can legitimately, so I'm working, my partner isn't yet, he used to make ALOT on mainland 45 an hour, theres none of his work around here. anyways I'm still cooking, cleaning our little jungle studio every day. we have no car and i noticed him getting lazy and smoking a lot. i mean i drink. he drinks beers, i drink my liquor or wine. when i drink wine its the whole bottle... tonight i drank a 12.6 or 275 ml of rum, over the course of the entire night but my bf said "oh i didn't drink any of that!" and it was like ugh.. cuz that always happens. he drinks BEERS. he is a lightweight too, so he doesn't need much. I'm just worried why do i need so much to get on a good one? do i have an issue? i definitely drink when I'm stressed or have bad days or even good days haha, but i just find myself drinking along a lot, at least in my relationship..at what point is it medicinal and at what point is it an issue? i don't lose it if i don't drink, if i don't have it i can still go and have a great time. but i still think about it. not sure where I'm totally at with this, just shared a lot of my story, looking to see what comes back from perspectives who don't know me so well. Link to comment
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