Forever chasing?

[Dahl]

I'm very sorry. My thoughts are with your mother, you and your family.

 

I'm not trying to worry you about the strangling but I don't feel confident in this bloke, remotely, and I'm concerned that it's not strange but dangerous.

 

My best to your mum, you and yours.

[catfeeder]

Maybe I am underestimating how strange it is.

 

I'm really sorry about your Mom.

 

You ARE underestimating the strange, and I hope you'll go with your gut on feeling wary enough about this guy to stay away from him. He's dangerous.

 

Value yourself enough to walk away while you're still walking, and be grateful for having the sense to do so. You'll thank yourself later.

[Capricorn3]

well he started doing the strangling thing quite early on ..He did ask if he could put a pillow over my face once too and I said no.

He did put his hands round my throats again though.

If that's not your cue to run to the hills, I don't know what is.

[cryingalways]

Thanks guys. I'm going to see her in the hospital soon so hopefully we'll have a better idea of how she is shortly.

 

I thought it was just something some people like to do? The strangling. I do think it's an odd thing to do with someone you don't know that well though. He also didn't ask me if he could do it. Although it started off pretty loose so I wasn't concerned. He doesn't choke me or anything.

 

Anyway, my friends have told me it's weird and he does sort of remind me of an ex of mine who was pretty abusive. There's just similarities in the odd behavior and creepiness. Almost like they're testing how creepy they can be with a girl. I just need to quit this guy. Like he's a bad addiction. Because that's exactly how it feels. A bad addiction.

[Wiseman2]

Agree time to call it quits and find a higher quality guy to date.

 

Not sure what the attraction to this is? like they're testing how creepy they can be with a girl.

[catfeeder]

I thought it was just something some people like to do? The strangling.

 

No, not even close. It's a precursor to the real thing, like murder on training wheels, and if you hang with this guy again, you might not make it home.

 

This guy is not doing something harmless--he's sick. You'd be foolish to continue messing with him, and I'm not kidding.

 

Think.

[cryingalways]

I actually just came out and asked him about the strangling today. He just apologized and said some girls like it.

Really weirdly I went on a date last night and all I could do was go on about this guy...so I'm still besotted with this waste of my time.

It's very annoying. I don't want to like him but I just do.

Things got a bit physical with my date and all I could think is "I miss the strangling guy". What the hell is wrong with me..?!?

[Dahl]

He.. said some girls like it.

 

This is disturbing. Did he ever ask? Prior to strangling you? Or confirm that you 'liked it?'

 

Don't be too hard on yourself, mate. I think that you're genuinely trying to figure things out and make your life healthier and happier.

 

Besides, if you had all the answers, you wouldn't need us.

[cryingalways]

Yeah he never asked me. I told him that because he didn't ask me it made me quite concerned too. He just said "ok" to that.

 

Thanks man! I suppose at least I am attempting to distance myself from him, so there is that yeah.

 

And yeah I definitely don't have all the answers haha.

 

I just keep going back to him. I tell myself I won't but I always do. I just really noticed myself going on about him on my date and would rather I had stayed with him. The strangling aside he just feels like home to me. I didn't want to do anything with my date. I just missed him.

 

I think I'm just gonna work on me for now. No more men. They're not making me happy. Just sad.

[catfeeder]

I think I'm just gonna work on me for now. No more men. They're not making me happy. Just sad.

 

If you keep messing with that guy, you're likely to end up worse than sad.

 

Head high, and plow forward. You'll thank yourself later.

[Wiseman2]

There's a difference between exploring lots of things as a teen, sexually as well and doing erotic asphyxia with a troubled guy. You seem attracted to danger and rough sex, not him. Maybe danger and rough sex "feel like home"? .

The strangling aside he just feels like home to me.

[katrina1980]

Was he really strangling you, or just simulating it while having sex? He is right, many girls do like it, my bf does this to me sometimes while having sex, and I find it very erotic we both do. He's not hurting me, he never would.

 

You said he is 19, he may have seen it while watching porn, he is very young and experimenting. I am new here but finding that many of you over-think on things, make mountains out of molehills and are very quick to judge.

 

I guess because I like it, I understand it more, but it is not abusive at all, it's a form of eroticism.

[HeartGoesOn]

Hi, well he started doing the strangling thing quite early on but never very hard. He did ask if he could put a pillow over my face once too and I said no. I just presumed it was his thing, like how people are a bit bity.

 

I find it sad that not only do you not realize how dangerous this guy is, you're literally placing yourself in the direct line of fire. This is NOT normal behaviour by any means...

[catfeeder]

Was he really strangling you, or just simulating it while having sex? He is right, many girls do like it, my bf does this to me sometimes while having sex, and I find it very erotic we both do. He's not hurting me, he never would.

 

You said he is 19, he may have seen it while watching porn, he is very young and experimenting. I am new here but finding that many of you over-think on things, make mountains out of molehills and are very quick to judge.

 

I guess because I like it, I understand it more, but it is not abusive at all, it's a form of eroticism.

 

Maybe from a snuff film. Not a safe guy to be around. Period.

[cryingalways]

Hey guys. No he's not 19, he's 33.

 

I am aware of strangling being a sexual kink and that's not what we're saying is weird, what many people on here and all my friends think is weird is a) he never asked me how I felt about it, he just went straight into putting his hands round my throat, and b) We were not having sex. We have never had sex. He's only gone down on me, that's all we've done. I even think he may prefer the strangling alone. Possibly because he has herpes or maybe because of his strict upbringing or maybe because he does suffer with depression and is often pretty odd with me.

 

I think you may be right with me thinking the danger feels like home, but I meant he literally feels homely to me. His skin. He did from the start. I don't know why.

[Batya33]

Hey guys. No he's not 19, he's 33.

 

I am aware of strangling being a sexual kink and that's not what we're saying is weird, what many people on here and all my friends think is weird is a) he never asked me how I felt about it, he just went straight into putting his hands round my throat, and b) We were not having sex. We have never had sex. He's only gone down on me, that's all we've done. I even think he may prefer the strangling alone. Possibly because he has herpes or maybe because of his strict upbringing or maybe because he does suffer with depression and is often pretty odd with me.

 

I think you may be right with me thinking the danger feels like home, but I meant he literally feels homely to me. His skin. He did from the start. I don't know why.

 

You don't need to know "why" someone feels like home to you - you simply need to react to that feeling by acting in a safe way -he might "feel" like home but he is not safe for you to be around.

[radiance]

I seriously have no idea why you're still chasing this man. Despite all of the red flags and warning signs he's giving off, despite the fact that he's violent with you in a sexual context without even asking for your consent, despite the fact that you doubt his emotional state, despite the fact that he has herpes. I don't know what it will take to make you realise that this man isn't worth chasing.

 

It sounds like you've had a run of bad luck with men lately and maybe you're just looking for something to make you feel good and desirable. But this isn't good for you. You're setting yourself up for disappointment and to get hurt.

 

Take some time off men. Focus on yourself and getting happy.

[cryingalways]

I completely agree radiance. I know it's not good that I feel that way about him when there's so many massive red flags.

 

I think in an odd way the fact that we don't have sex and barely do anything sexual sort of suits me because I don't want to do that with anyone at the moment. I just feel too hurt by men from sex (emotionally, and physically too really). So while he may be putting his hands round my throat he seems a safe bet in my head as I don't get "too" emotionally involved. I guess I also don't really trust men right now so at least with him I can see his flaws instead of having to guess what the lies are.

 

I'm making an effort to stop staying round guys houses now though, even though I don't sleep with them it's still dangerous when I don't know them "that" well. I need to wake up and stop a lot of my self destructive behavior. And this guy is a big part of that I think.

[Capricorn3]

I seriously have no idea why you're still chasing this man. Despite all of the red flags and warning signs he's giving off, despite the fact that he's violent with you in a sexual context without even asking for your consent, despite the fact that you doubt his emotional state, despite the fact that he has herpes. I don't know what it will take to make you realise that this man isn't worth chasing.

 

It sounds like you've had a run of bad luck with men lately and maybe you're just looking for something to make you feel good and desirable. But this isn't good for you. You're setting yourself up for disappointment and to get hurt.

 

Take some time off men..

I second this entire post. OP, maybe it's a good time to look to professional counseling/therapy too.

[cryingalways]

I've blocked him from my phone and I'm gonna quit smoking and have a break from drinking.

 

I am having an operation in a couple months to remove my cyst and I'm moving into a new house soon, so I'm just gonna focus on getting through all of that. I think it's just been a crazy few months since my awful break up from a man who made me feel sorry for him for so long but who turned out to be having sex with everyone, and then having this terrible constant cyst pain added into the mix. I have been enjoying discovering myself again and going out a lot, meeting new people but I have had low standards with men, as I've been learning to be single again, and I have just been in a whirlwind of activity trying to distract myself from thinking about the terrible betrayal of my ex and the terrible pain in my body.

 

I think I'm gonna chill out now and stop chasing men, and have a break from the parting scene. I don't really like it anyway. I hope I can stick to not smoking, as I quit before for a couple years and seem to have come back onto them hard and it's very difficult this time for some reason. I also feel terrible about staying over men's houses when I don't really know them, and that has only happened after I've been drinking, so I'm gonna have a break from that as well. I am aware everyone goes through hard times though and I forgive myself for my destructive behaviour, considering the hard times I have had. I just really want to be proactive now and get myself out of this hole of distractions I have created. Thanks for your help as always guys.

[Batya33]

What kind of "learning" is there to be single? If you think about it, unless you're married, you are single. I wouldn't put pressure on yourself to "learn" to be "single". Just live your life, without reference to the label of single. Take it day by day, make good and healthful choices, look for opportunities to socialize when you feel like it, check in with yourself if you make a social plan and then feel like it's too much to go out that day. yes, it is an adjustment when you stop dating someone but you were single, you still are, and it need not inform your choices to the extent that you have to "learn" how to be single. Why put that kind of pressure on yourself or think of it that way?