I don't know what to do but I really need help!

[Wiseman2]

Have you talked to your folks about this? Even though it is of a personal nature, he's living under their roof with their daughter and grandchild. It's inappropriate behavior. He sounds quite immature, how old is he?

[Dahl]

Why don't you think it's worth addressing? I just don't want to give up if there's a way to fix this.

 

Please reconsider thinking of this in terms of *your* giving up, having to fix this (alone, at the least) a/o not finding an inroad to the same - and certainly not in the context of it as *your* fault, and as such, as your failing should this relationship not be viable or worth saving.

 

You aren't the one risking your family's security and cohesion, he is.

 

However you decide to move forward, you *are* trying to move forward. You're worried about your daughter, your family, you're scrambling for information and advice and you're looking to do the best thing for all of you.

 

If this relationship needs to be terminated, it's not a failure on your part. I personally think it's an investment in your child's and your future.

 

I wish you much luck.

[RainyCoast]

I just don't want to give up if there's a way to fix this.

i'm sorry to repeat myself, but how about the counseling suggestion? if he declines, that would tell you he clearly isn't planning on changing. if he doesn't, at least you get that last chance at things. again, in this situation, i don't think it unfair or unreasonable to tell him he would be paying (again merely assuming that you can't pay half currently being a stay at home mum).

[Lynnz]

Have you talked to your folks about this? Even though it is of a personal nature, he's living under their roof with their daughter and grandchild. It's inappropriate behavior. He sounds quite immature, how old is he?

No I haven't discussed this with anyone other than my sister. I was hoping to find a solution without involving them. Maybe that's wrong...Idk.

He's 31

[Lynnz]

i'm sorry to repeat myself, but how about the counseling suggestion? if he declines, that would tell you he clearly isn't planning on changing. if he doesn't, at least you get that last chance at things. again, in this situation, i don't think it unfair or unreasonable to tell him he would be paying (again merely assuming that you can't pay half currently being a stay at home mum).

That is a good suggestion. He suffers from clinical depression though and does not like counseling. I may just try this though. Telling him it's something I need and he'll have to push through it to be with me.

[RainyCoast]

another reason i wouldn't tell him i snooped would be that i would want to continue to snoop even if we were in counseling. i'm going to get flamed here with "either you trust or you don't" and "things are beyond repair if you have to stoop to that". but i can imagine that i would, if this were me, assume things are beyond repair anyway, and i would keep in mind people can offer gestures (like counseling) to create the illusion they are trying, whilst continuing their clandestine activity. on which i would want to be able to keep tabs, to know when to kick him out without a second thought.

 

how are things legally, about common law marriage, where you live? i would check any rights he may have. and document what i find, messages, phone records, communication on online profiles, emails.

[Hollyj]

No I haven't discussed this with anyone other than my sister. I was hoping to find a solution without involving them. Maybe that's wrong...Idk.

He's 31

 

I thought he was 19. Good God!

[Lynnz]

I should do all that. Some things have already been deleted by him, but I do have phone records.

 

I'm not sure about common law here as we've only been in WI for 5 months. I'll have to look into it

[RainyCoast]

That is a good suggestion. He suffers from clinical depression though and does not like counseling. I may just try this though. Telling him it's something I need and he'll have to push through it to be with me.

 

yes, i mean, so far, his constant effort has been that to damage this relationship. the effort to keep it despite his cheating has been entirely yours. if he can't prove he wants to work to keep this relationship, then you won't want him.

[RainyCoast]

Telling him it's something I need and he'll have to push through it to be with me.

that's way too kind, and sounds like you're asking him to do you a favor.

 

i would rephrase. he has been continually undermining this marriage. it's not me hoeing around, so it's not me who needs to prove i can stop hoeing around. it's not me cheating, it's not my responsibility (nor is it possible for me) to make the cheating stop. he has to be willing to do it and take it upon himself to stop the behavior that is making a relationship impossible, so unless he does that, it's over because i don't share my or my child's life with a lying remorseless cheater.

[Hollyj]

that's way too kind, and sounds like you're asking him to do you a favor.

 

i would rephrase. he has been continually undermining this marriage. it's not me hoeing around, so it's not me who needs to prove i can stop hoeing around. it's not me cheating, it's not my responsibility (nor is it possible for me) to make the cheating stop. he has to be willing to do it and take it upon himself to stop the behavior that is making a relationship impossible, so unless he does that, it's over because i don't share my or my child's life with a lying remorseless cheater.

 

 

I agree! This is why this has been going on so long. I don't get why you have been so accommodating!

 

Where is your backbone! You need to value yourself more!

[Dahl]

I should do all that. Some things have already been deleted by him, but I do have phone records.

 

I'm not sure about common law here as we've only been in WI for 5 months. I'll have to look into it

 

It may be worth your time to check into the laws in your last state, as well.

 

Good luck.

[Dahl]

If you are comfortable sharing - what is your sister's take?

 

I'm just curious, no pressure to reply, of course.

[randomer2000]

Definitely confront him about this and most probably leave him. I know it is tough to break up a family like this especially since you have a child, but growing up in a household like that can equally affect your child! Please stay with some family in WI or something while you are able to sort some things out! This guy clearly is not giving you the attention that you deserve.

[Wiseman2]

What solution are you hoping for? You've confronted him in the past and now you don't want him to know you know he's doing it again.

I was hoping to find a solution without involving them.

He's 31

[MissCanuck]

You don't have to worry about giving up on the relationship, OP.

 

He already has.

 

He's done the dirty work for you.

[boltnrun]

Interesting that you say he "suffers from depression".

 

I'm not sure where he got the idea that the treatment for depression is to cheat on his partner by trying to get random women to send him sexy pics. Or to try to arrange meetups with other women.

 

My friend tried to justify her husband's cheating by saying he was "depressed". Yep, I bet he was feeling really down while he was sticking his penis into all of those other women!

 

YOU want to "fix" the relationship. I can assure you he doesn't want a thing to change, because he is currently getting everything he wants. And not only are you accepting his behavior, but I bet you tell him you love him!

 

My ex never changed his shady behavior. Why? Because, he told me, I knew what he was doing and I stayed anyway, so he concluded I must have liked the way he treated me.

 

Your guy has zero motivation to "change" because there's nothing in "changing" for him. Why should he give up his fun random cheating behavior when he likes it and you stay anyway? I'm sure he knows you dearly want your family to stay intact, and he uses that to his advantage.

 

I would tell him either it stops or you're done with him. And no, he won't be helpless and homeless. He's 31, plus I happen to know Craigslist has a section that lists rooms and apartments for rent. He can just navigate away from the "Casual Encounters" section to the "Rentals" section with a tap or click. Easy.

[Lynnz]

If you are comfortable sharing - what is your sister's take?

 

I'm just curious, no pressure to reply, of course.

My sister is younger and not as experienced in relationships, she's only had one. She's more of a sounding board. But she does think I need to say something because I'm enabling his behavior. That's why I was wondering how to address it with him.

[Lynnz]

What solution are you hoping for? You've confronted him in the past and now you don't want him to know you know he's doing it again.

I want him to know I know. I was asking you before how to avoid the redirection. Last time I felt so stupid. In the moment I didn't know what to say because his reaction caught me off guard. Like how could he turn it on me. I just wanted to know how to avoid that this time.

[RainyCoast]

My sister is younger and not as experienced in relationships, she's only had one. She's more of a sounding board. But she does think I need to say something because I'm enabling his behavior. That's why I was wondering how to address it with him.

 

well she is right that if you neither say nor do anything, then yes, you're just letting him cheat while you silently suffer.

 

thing is, you've been way too accommodating as holls says, so you don't want to make this a discussion, you want to communicate that he will be history unless it stops now, and that stopping it is all his work. it doesn't even need to be a conversation with this idiot. it can just be you citing away your conditions and when you're done he gets to say either yes or no. he doesn't get to say anything at all in his defense, because there isn't any legitimization or excuse for his actions so what on earth would you have to hear from him that would change anything. you've already listened to his intelligence-insulting drivel. each time he deflects, revert back to "robert what are you going to do about the cheating. if i have to ask you the third time i will take it to mean you plan to do noting and i have to do what i have to do. you have three minutes".

 

i forgot to answer this directly

I know ultimatums aren't ideal but do they ever work and should I maybe try that?

yes, if it's your last option, you can definitely do that. either he does ALL the work to mend this, or he is gone. ALL the work. HE calls a couples' counselor. HE sets up the appointment. HE pays. HE deletes the apps and profiles on sites. HE cleans up his phonebook. tell him when you want that done? by tomorrow? By monday? and anytime you say "or else" to anyone, you need to follow on the or else part with actions if the first option hasn't been done by the set date. otherwise, you're proving you won't do a darn thing to make sure you're not with a cheater, and you can say it and beg and negotiate and plead and threaten and throw proof in his face and use ultimatums next time he does it--- and remain just as powerless if not more because he will certainly continue doing it if you PROVE to him that even at your most pi$$ed, with all your demands for fairness blatantly disrespected, you will still stay as he happily cheats away.