I don't know what to do but I really need help!

[Dahl]

"Let's stay on topic. I need to know if I need std testing from your extracurricular activities. Also, your chronic sexual prowling continues. So I am moving in with my parents who know about this and support my position."

 

Wiseman's nailed it.

 

This way you are able to provide him a clear vision of what you feel, mean and intend to do. And if you feel that he is trying to weasle out of such a reasonable request, you can just reset and repeat the first line Wiseman proposed, until you get a fair response or you decide you won't be able to and move on to the next stage for your and your daughter's security.

[Hollyj]

I guess I should have taken it as a sign that he's never been in a relationship this long before. The closest was a little over a year.

 

That has nothing to do with anything. He was cheating on you early on.

 

This is about character. he has poor character and is a cheater. This is who he is, as he has shown you, over and over,

[Hollyj]

Try to find a goal for the conversation. It does not mean that you don't address other issues at other times, but if you affix the goal in your own mind as a query to be answered -

 

Are you looking for more information, for example, is this a chance for you to establish your opinions, maybe outline a strict expectation a/o boundary, etc

 

- and keep this goal in mind, it may be easier for you to ensure that he does not manipulate or bully the talk away from a productive exchange.

 

Just inventing to illustrate - not suggesting *this*:

 

I'd like to discuss your online activities. It is not acceptable to me that you are soliciting romantic/sexual/intimate conversations with women. I need you to understand that I consider this a violation of our relationship and if you continue, you will not be able to sustain a romantic relationship with me, for a mere start. Please let me know your thoughts and intentions.

 

I mean, the above is too stiff and odd for practical application, of course, but what I'm going for is a straightforward, linear clarity that he can't wrest away from you.

 

No offense Dahl, but the guy is not 12 years old. He knows it's wrong that is why he hides it.

[Hollyj]

"Let's stay on topic. I need to know if I need std testing from your extracurricular activities. Also, your chronic sexual prowling continues. So I am moving in with my parents who know about this and support my position."

 

They live with her parents.

[Wiseman2]

Agree. Lack of past committed or LTRs are not a license for him to sow his wild oats and cheat while "being a family" with you.

That has nothing to do with anything. He was cheating on you early on. This is about character. he has poor character and is a cheater. This is who he is, as he has shown you, over and over,

[Dahl]

No offense Dahl, but the guy is not 12 years old. He knows it's wrong that is why he hides it.

 

Agreed. I'm just hoping to give her a beginning, middle, end sketch of a way to approach him about this.

 

But then Wiseman came along and said it better, as per usual

[Lynnz]

You have your parents, continue living with them.

 

You're right! You should have been done when you first found out about the cheating, years ago. he will not change, as this is who he is. Either you stay with a cheater, or you do better by you and your daughter, and kick the creep out of your parents house. He is not your responsibility, you are not his parent, so stop making that excuse.

 

Why aren't you working? You need to become more independent.

 

It's not about making excuses. Like I said, I care about him and don't want to see him on the street.

 

As for why I'm not working, this is what works best for my situation at the moment. It is the first time I've been jobless since I started working and is a well thought out decision. Thank you though. Appreciate the advice!

[Lynnz]

So I guess what I'm getting from everyone is there is no way to salvage my family so I shouldn't try? Hard pill to swallow but I'm here for advice because obviously what I'm doing isn't working

[Hollyj]

It's not about making excuses. Like I said, I care about him and don't want to see him on the street.

 

As for why I'm not working, this is what works best for my situation at the moment. It is the first time I've been jobless since I started working and is a well thought out decision. Thank you though. Appreciate the advice!

 

Well, then I guess the behavior will continue.

 

As mentioned, this is not a good situation for your daughter. You do not want her to know that this is how men behave.

 

You do realize that he has been cheating on you all along?

[Lynnz]

I realize some may not think much of me because of certain aspects of my situation, but I would appreciate advice only and not judgments. Just as he is not 12 neither am I. I didn't say he stopped because I naively believed him. I said it because I know that to be true. I'm not going to explain or defend every detail of my life, as I came here for relationship advice only. Thank you to those who have given advice, remained objective, and realize everyone is human. We ALL need help sometimes...

[RainyCoast]

could you please explain how, given what betterwithout said, an employed resourceful man would end up helpless and on the street if you ended things with him?

 

and if he did, by his own choice to not get a place to live for himself, how would that be your concern, or even your right to affect his choice in any way? he would have to choose to be homeless, that is he would have to prefer it, and surely you are not saying that you must "save" people from their preferences and lifestyle choices?

[RainyCoast]

thing is if you are going to choose to experience it as judgement when people are pointing out an emotional issue on your part that prevents you from taking care of your own and child's situation, you are going to shut away in subjective shame and leave without a solution.

 

posters can't do a sweet thing about the fact that he is a hoe. they can perhaps offer advice on how to stop taking the responsibility and burden of others' bad choices on yourself and to your own detriment.

[Hollyj]

You are getting the advice. You are getting defensive, because we are pointing out you participation in this, by keeping the blinders on.

 

By saying that an adult, employed man cannot take care of himself - cant't throw him out - is simply making an excuse to keep him around. Time to get your head out of the clouds, and accept that you made a poor choice in a partner. You can change this situation, once and for all, by ending the relationship.

[Lynnz]

I welcome you and others to review my post and see what I am asking for help with. I don't need judgment on the fact that I live with my parents or am a stay at home mom. I went through and liked every post I viewed as helpful because I appreciate advice, obviously the reason I posted here.

 

Furthermore, I am not "shutting away in shame" or taking responsibility for anyone's choices but my own. All I did was ask for advice, and again, I thank those that have actually given it WITHOUT judgment 😊

[Hollyj]

Where were we judging that you were with your parents?

 

At some point you will have to support this child. If you are living with your folks, your bf is not bringing in enough money to support him and the child.

[Lynnz]

Hollyj, you don't know me, nor do you know what I'm thinking. I'm not asking anyone to read between any lines.

 

Somehow I am feeling things I never said I felt and somehow said things I can not see anywhere on this post.

 

I just want advice with the issues I asked about. Nothing more. Thank you.

[RainyCoast]

i get why people get defensive, they come here distressed, it's human to want acceptance and understanding and empathy first-- in a therapeutic setting you'd get that, to establish rapport and trust. but you're online and you didn't come here to waste time building rapport and trust, you came for advice so we're not the best people for the induction phase. you're not getting therapy, just posters giving insight and opinion and advice, so you would spare yourself the emotional injury if you took it at face value.

 

also, uncomfortable as it is, the only person we can work with is you. people come here consciously or subconsciously hoping that we can tell them how to magically change their significant others. we can't. your thinking is all we have to operate with. your cognition-affect-behavior is the only thing we can hope to affect (and you yourself as well), and it includes the discomfort of deconstructing the parts that aren't helping you.

 

nobody likes this personal road work s***, it's not comfy. it's just either we do the bother or we accept where we are without it.

[Lynnz]

Where were we judging that you were with your parents?

 

At some point you will have to support this child. If you are living with your folks, your bf is not bringing in enough money to support him and the child.

You do not know why I'm living where I'm living as I did not mention it because it is not pertinent information to the problem I'm having. So please refrain from making any more assumptions about my circumstances. If you have any questions that will lead to better advice I'd be more than happy to answer them. Thank you.

[RainyCoast]

I welcome you and others to review my post and see what I am asking for help with.

with your partner being a hoe. so, question that would lead to better advice-

 

what do you think is in your power to do about the fact that he is as he is?

[Hollyj]

Lynnz,

 

We have all given you advice. The guy has been cheating on you for years. it will not change. This is not healthy for you, or your daughter.

 

Kick him out!

[Lynnz]

i get why people get defensive, they come here distressed, they want acceptance and empathy fist-- in a therapeutic setting you'd get that, to establish rapport and trust. but you're online and you didn't come here to waste time building rapport and trust, you came for advice so we're not the best people for the induction phase. you're not getting therapy, just posters giving insight and opinion and advice, so you would spare yourself the emotional injury if you took it at face value.

 

also, uncomfortable as it is, the only person we can work with is you. people come here consciously or subconsciously hoping that we can tell them how to magically change their significant others. we can't. your thinking is all we have to operate with. your cognition-affect-behavior is the only thing we can hope to affect (and you yourself as well), and it includes the discomfort of deconstructing the parts that aren't helping you.

 

nobody likes this personal road work s***, it's not comfy. it's just either we do the bother or we accept where we are without it.

I know the ins and outs of this. Thank you for the breakdown. I'm not looking for therapy though. Just advice to help me figure out my situation.

 

Dahl asked what I was hoping to get out of this. And gave advice based on my response. Other posters read my post and addressed specifically what I was asking. That's what I'm looking for.

[Lynnz]

with your partner being a hoe. so, question that would lead to better advice-

 

what do you think is in your power to do about the fact that he is as he is?

I'm wondering if it's worth addressing. I know ultimatums aren't ideal but do they ever work and should I maybe try that?

[RainyCoast]

well blimey, that sounds like you found a solution to a tough situation really quickly. great news. or am i not understanding? dahl is a gem indeed.

 

i personally think it's not worth addressing. i certainly would not bring up that i snooped. you don't want him to deflect again.

 

i would actually just inform him that due to the fact that he has repeatedly had women on side, and continues to do so, he has until such and such to move out. if you really want to not throw in the towel, you could try couples' counseling but if you do that, i would advise you to tell him his last chance is to book a counselor, and he would be paying half of course. heck, maybe it wouldn't be preposterous to demand he pay everything (assuming you can't afford half given that you're not currently working), i mean he effed up, if he really wants a chance, why not make him sweat for it. you've made things easy on him long enough, and look what a use he put that to. i would make it so that it has to be entirely his effort to save the marriage, because anything less is just showing how much he doesn't give a hoot and is simply counting on you being a doormat or keeping yourself in denial and false hopes for better days. some guys think a woman would waste her life away in the hopes of them magically changing at some indefinite point, and it allows them to continue to behave like they do.

[Lynnz]

well blimey, that sounds like you found a solution to a tough situation really quickly. great news. or am i not understanding? dahl is a gem indeed.

 

i personally think it's not worth addressing. i certainly would not bring up that i snooped. you don't want him to deflect again.

Why don't you think it's worth addressing? I just don't want to give up if there's a way to fix this.

[RainyCoast]

because you already know what he is doing, and that he has no intention to stop, and that he takes you for an idiot when you want to discuss it. he keeps doing it, despite your obvious and justified distress with that. if you confront him, then simply say you know. nothing more, no how you found out, no why are you doing this, no skirting around, when he does deflect, back to the fact: "what are you going to do about your affairs Robert? Because if you don't come up with a damn good solution, i will have to and none of mine are pleasant for you". and tell him that by not fessing up and taking responsibility and making a helluvan attempt to mend things, he is simply digging himself a deeper hole.