Maybe losing the best love I've ever had?

[PrincessJ]

Hi everyone, this is my first post, and I'm kind of struggling to get all my thoughts together, so I guess I'll just start.

I'm 21, and my boyfriend is 20, I am so in love with him it's unbelievable, I was in love twice before him, but those guys were not good to me at all, cheaters, physical and emotional abusers, and just bad in general. He's so different from them.

I have actual anxiety, diagnosed from a psychologist when I was 15.

I told him that before we made our relationship official, and I told him I've been hurt a lot, I won't trust you for a long time, I'm going to question you a lot, we will probably have a lot of arguments, I tried to warn him, because we had been on a few dates before we started talking about making it official and I already liked him, I didn't want to fall in love and lose him because of my problems.

It took a few months for him to gain my trust, which is actually surprisingly quick for me... he pretty much knows everything about me and my past, and doesn't judge me.. I told him I use to self harm/suicide attempts, everything.

The problem is that I started trusting him, we fell in love, I opened up to him and I've never lied to him.

He is a different story, he says he loves me, and he acts like it more often than not, however, I was never able to get 100% of him until we almost broke up a few days ago, he wouldn't be totally honest with me, he wouldn't tell me certain things, and we would argue

To be totally fair, a lot of the arguments were my fault, I'm not trying to put all the blame on him, I know I have a big part in this, even when I trusted him, I would over think everything, constantly wonder who was texting or snap chatting him, and I am so clingy, which we are still trying to deal with, I just want to be around him all the time.. I can't help it. I think it will be better once I get my own place though, I let my dad and brother stay with me and now I hate being home, so once again, I'm looking for my own place.

We are good for the most part.. but recently... things have started going south.

A while ago, he lied to me about something he knows hurts me.. we had it out, I told him I think I have to go, noting that I woke him up when I found out he lied and he was very grumpy about it, to be fair to him, I woke him up and was coming at him with the lies, he said "everyone lies, you're never going to find a guy that doesn't lie"

Then I started telling him obviously, I didn't known how to deal with it, he looked me in the eyes and lied to me multiple times, about something he knew hurts me, that's a big deal to me. Then when he realized our relationship could be over he got more sympathetic, we cried together and he begged me to stay... I told him okay and quicker than expected, I started to get over it.

Although, it was on my mind a lot, lying to me, I would cry because it hurt my self esteem so bad, he held me and saw how much his lies hurt me.

Then I caught him lying about it again.

I was so devastated... because he had been lying about it for about a week, is even asked him a couple of times and he would look me straight in they eyes and lie, and say he wasn't doing it again, he'd sleep with me, laugh with me, and act like nothing's was wrong when he knew if I found out, I would be so hurt.

I told him I was done, I was at work that night and he called me. We stayed on the phone for like over two hours, I told him I was over it, and he could find someone else, and it killed me to say that, he swore on everything he'd be totally honest, and open, and I'd have 100% of him, so once again, I stayed, but I told him I was on the fence, I didn't know if I was staying for long or not.

Fast forward to the next night, I was talking to him about a bad night I was having, he was at work, I was at his place, I told him I was hurting, because whenever I'm hurting about something, I want to be able to talk to him, because I love him.

He wasn't having it, he was having an awful night at work, which I didn't know at the time and he was being very short with me, which led me to believe once again he didn't care.

I got to work that night, I work third shift for right now, and started having a freak out, I was sobbing, I mean, sobbing like a baby.

I told him again I didn't think we would make it and maybe we needed to say goodbye.

He came to my work and we talked for a while, he confided in me with things, that I had no idea about.

I love him so much.. and when I asked why he lied to me and did that stuff again after seeing how bad it hurt me, he said he thought I wouldn't find out, and even though he ran the risk of getting caught, he said it was because he didn't see us lasting.

That didn't hurt as badly when he told me as it does now.

I was always committed to us, even whenever I thought I had to leave after his lies, I still deep down, wanted to work it out.

Now I'm stuck with no trust in him, and hurting a lot.

I had just gotten over my fear that he was going to leave me or stop loving me a couple of weeks before he told me that.

Now I'm back with every fear I started with.

I'm so sad and depressed over this, because every part of me wants to work this out with him, we've cried so much over it together, and he even told me I'm welcome to go through all of his things, his two computers and his phone, whenever I want, as often as I want, but, he said the same thing last time I caught him lying. I know he's scared, his last relationship was three years, and it ended with her leaving him out of the blue one day, and he always acted like he didn't know why, but after the first time I caught him lying, he told me he lied to her too... which to me, is a red flag. But I understand he's scared that I'll leave him one day like his ex, which is probably why he said he didn't see us lasting, it still scare some me though.

He said that he's definitely willing to go to counseling with me, because now he does see us lasting and he doesn't want to lose me, and that if I did leave, I could come back, he said that he could be married with kids, and he would always want me more.

I'm stuck.

I just want to be with him... but how am I suppose to believe him, yeah he said I can look through his computer and phone, but he can delete things... I don't want to lose him ever... but I'm so scared all the time now.

How would all of you handle this? I need some help with this. Thank you for all suggestions

[Blue Dreamer]

All of us reading will understand your strong feelings and that perception of "never wanting to lose". That said, you need to understand you are quite young when it comes to "love" and are still growing every day. You say you are scared all the time and that is not a healthy experience for any relationship. I think you should walk away. It will be tough for a short while, but you will thank yourself for doing so, long term. You have an entire planet of men to sweep you away as this gentleman did. Don't force yourself to struggle as you are now, in unneeded fashion, when the result is unknown.

[PrincessJ]

I know maybe I should walk away, but I just want to give this all I have, and even in every other relationship, my anxiety and bad experiences will always make me scared... he's just the one, I know that sounds stupid coming from a girl barely in her 20's but he's so good to me... and I think it says something that he's willing to do counseling to fix it.

[Hollyj]

What did he lie about? And no, every man does not lie!

 

He has shown you that he is NOT trustworthy. Why in the world would you even consider getting back? Please do not say it is because you love him.

 

Princess, I strongly suggest counseling. You should not be dating, as you seem to be attracted to men who are NOT good for you. You need to be aware of your patterns. And, in the future, do not share your past with people you do not know.

 

Be done with this guy, and block him. You need to make better decisions when it comes to partners!

[PrincessJ]

I was okay with being alone before I met him... but my life has changed since we started dating, I know I haven't painted the best picture of him, but he is good to me. He asks me to stay at his apartment when he's at work because he knows I hate being home, he has stayed up all night with me when I was in the middle of crying and freaking out about things, despite me not wanting to bother him and telling him to go back to sleep, but he didn't, he held me and sometimes even cried with me, and tried to reassure me everything would be okay

[Hollyj]

Are you getting help for your problems?

 

WHAT DID HE LIE ABOUT????

[PrincessJ]

I don't want to say what he lied about because everyone will tell me it's no big deal and it's normal, but it's something that hurts me

[Hollyj]

You brought it on here. I think that we should be able to judge that.

 

Are you getting help for your anxiety???????

[PrincessJ]

What he lied about isn't important, I shouldn't be pushed to say something I don't want too. Nobody else should be able to judge whether or not my feelings are valid about something that hurts me, so no, you shouldn't be able to judge it

And no, I'm trying to get my insurance back so I can go to therapy by myself and with my boyfriend

[Hollyj]

Well, I guess if we do agree with what you said is valid, then you would not have any excuses to stick with him. That's the only reason I can think of, for you being so secretive.

 

And, if it's no big deal, then why did he lie repeatedly?

[PrincessJ]

I guess there is no real excuse for me to stay other than love and the fact he's willing to try to fix it, go to counseling with me, etc.

He lied because what he did hurts me and he didn't want me to leave

[MissCanuck]

It's rather difficult to give you advice when you won't disclose what he lied about.

 

I have a feeling it's not as minor as you're making it sound, given that he's lied repeatedly and also lied in his last relationship.

 

All we can say is that if you don't trust him, you need to leave. It's not serving you to be in a relationship with someone you don't trust and who breaks his promises. He's also told you he doesn't see a future with you. All of this distress is not worth it, because the probability of this working out well is low. He's already got one foot out the door and you aren't in a good place emotionally.

 

I would end it and spend time healing you. It sounds like you need it.

[Wolfshook]

Honestly, I can understand his lying to you (as long as it wasnt something super big) since you have anxiety. Was he trying to protect you? There are so many unknown variables in this post that it's hard to say.

[PrincessJ]

I understand that it might be hard to say given that I'm not willing to tell what he lied about, I'm just sensitive and what he lied about hurt me a lot, and a lot of people (especially men) see it as no big deal, and "normal", because "boys will be boys", or however they want to defend themselves. I just don't want all of this to be thrown out of the window by people telling me to get over it or that I'm just being a stupid little girl and trying to invalidate my feelings

[Iggy5129]

So he lied about watching porn then? That's the impression I'm getting.

 

Lol I remember being 18 and thinking my bf watching porn was the worst thing. Good luck finding a guy who doesn't watch porn.

[Rising100]

Yea trust is a big thing in relationships, obviously he broke this trust and now wants you to forgive him. Im sure you could since you love him so much but the problem is... can you still trust him.

It must be hard, finding out whatever it is he lied about.

What will you do, do u think its worth a try

[Rising100]

So he lied about watching porn then? That's the impression I'm getting.

 

Lol I remember being 18 and thinking my bf watching porn was the worst thing. Good luck finding a guy who doesn't watch porn.

I dont watch porn, all guys dont watch porn.

Assuming this was the problem...

[PrincessJ]

This was the problem and people like iggy just solidified why I didn't want to say it, because for some reason, it's justified, not all guys watch it, and the whole problem with this was dealing with ignorance like that. And that's not even the whole problem, he looked in my eyes and lied to me multiple times, I came on here for advice, not to be belittled for having the same feelings a lot of other women share

[Hollyj]

This was the problem and people like iggy just solidified why I didn't want to say it, because for some reason, it's justified, not all guys watch it, and the whole problem with this was dealing with ignorance like that. And that's not even the whole problem, he looked in my eyes and lied to me multiple times, I came on here for advice, not to be belittled for having the same feelings a lot of other women share

 

 

Where were you "belittled?" You need to get over your hyper-sensitivity.

 

Lying is the problem, here. You are not compatible if this is a problem for you, you will not be able to trust him.

[Rising100]

This was the problem and people like iggy just solidified why I didn't want to say it, because for some reason, it's justified, not all guys watch it, and the whole problem with this was dealing with ignorance like that. And that's not even the whole problem, he looked in my eyes and lied to me multiple times, I came on here for advice, not to be belittled for having the same feelings a lot of other women share

So this is it, is it the only problem tho?

Is this the only thing he lied about?

 

If it is, I dont think its worth ending a relationship over this. The porn and lying about it is something you two can work out, but dont end it just because of this. I admit lying is bad, however this one you can deal with I hope.

[PrincessJ]

As far as I know it's the only thing he's lied about, and it isn't as though it's not a big deal, I've read about tons of women (and men) who agree porn should not be in a relationship.

Anyway, part of what scares me is if he can be so okay looking me in the face and lying to me, what else could he be totally okay lying to me about?

[PrincessJ]

And thank you all for your opinions, no matter how backwards I feel they are, but I'll be going now. Something doesn't feel quite right about most of the people on this site, and no matter what anyone says, I know this is a decision I have to come too on my own. So again, I appreciate all of the opinions, even ones that are pretty ridiculous to me, and everyone take care.

[MissCanuck]

You need to decide if this is a dealbreaker for you or not, OP.

 

Regardless of anyone else's opinion about porn, you don't feel comfortable with it. He knows this. You know he watches it. And you know he's not honest about that. Rather than arguing whether porn itself is right or wrong, you need to get clear about your own boundaries. If it's important enough to you to break your trust, then you need to walk away.

 

It's evident that yes, he will and does lie to try to placate you. Only you can decide if you're going to tolerate that. He obviously enjoys porn, and you don't. Neither of you is right or wrong, per se, but you have fundamentally different views on porn in a relationship. You have to determine whether or not this is big enough to end it between you two.

[MissCanuck]

And thank you all for your opinions, no matter how backwards I feel they are, but I'll be going now. Something doesn't feel quite right about most of the people on this site, and no matter what anyone says, I know this is a decision I have to come too on my own. So again, I appreciate all of the opinions, even ones that are pretty ridiculous to me, and everyone take care.

 

Don't be so defensive, OP.

 

I think a lot of posters here took time to respond and try to help you, but you weren't forthcoming. I'm not sure what type of feedback you can reasonably expect when you were omitting important details. It's normal that not everyone will agree with you, but you might find it enlightening to listen and discuss rather than get your back when you hear something you don't like.

 

Do you similarly shut down when your boyfriend tries to talk to you about what's upsetting you? That's a sincere question, by the way. Despite what you think, most folks here are quite willing to lend some advice. Yes, some might conflict with your feelings. It happens when you ask a random group of strangers what they think. But the way you're currently handling the issue with your boyfriend obviously isn't working. What have you got to lose by sticking around and having a discussion about where to go from here?

[PrincessJ]

I can't believe I have to keep repeating myself.

I wasn't forthcoming with it, because that information isn't exactly relevant, it doesn't matter what he lied about, all that matters is that it hurt me and I feel uncomfortable, I don't need people defending those videos and pictures, nobody is going to make me okay with it, especially by saying things like "lol good luck finding a guy who doesn't watch it"

I'm confused on how that was suppose to be helpful in anyway shape or form. I've tried to make myself okay with it but I'm not, and nobody saying anything like that will change my mind.

It wouldn't matter what he lied about, just because something doesn't bother one person, doesn't mean it doesn't bother another.

I really hope I don't have to repeat this to everyone yet again.