Maybe losing the best love I've ever had?

[evad1]

Hi everyone, this is my first post, and I'm kind of struggling to get all my thoughts together, so I guess I'll just start.

I'm 21, and my boyfriend is 20, I am so in love with him it's unbelievable, I was in love twice before him, but those guys were not good to me at all, cheaters, physical and emotional abusers, and just bad in general. He's so different from them.

I have actual anxiety, diagnosed from a psychologist when I was 15.

I told him that before we made our relationship official, and I told him I've been hurt a lot, I won't trust you for a long time, I'm going to question you a lot, we will probably have a lot of arguments, I tried to warn him, because we had been on a few dates before we started talking about making it official and I already liked him, I didn't want to fall in love and lose him because of my problems.

It took a few months for him to gain my trust, which is actually surprisingly quick for me... he pretty much knows everything about me and my past, and doesn't judge me.. I told him I use to self harm/suicide attempts, everything.

The problem is that I started trusting him, we fell in love, I opened up to him and I've never lied to him.

He is a different story, he says he loves me, and he acts like it more often than not, however, I was never able to get 100% of him until we almost broke up a few days ago, he wouldn't be totally honest with me, he wouldn't tell me certain things, and we would argue

To be totally fair, a lot of the arguments were my fault, I'm not trying to put all the blame on him, I know I have a big part in this, even when I trusted him, I would over think everything, constantly wonder who was texting or snap chatting him, and I am so clingy, which we are still trying to deal with, I just want to be around him all the time.. I can't help it. I think it will be better once I get my own place though, I let my dad and brother stay with me and now I hate being home, so once again, I'm looking for my own place.

We are good for the most part.. but recently... things have started going south.

A while ago, he lied to me about something he knows hurts me.. we had it out, I told him I think I have to go, noting that I woke him up when I found out he lied and he was very grumpy about it, to be fair to him, I woke him up and was coming at him with the lies, he said "everyone lies, you're never going to find a guy that doesn't lie"

Then I started telling him obviously, I didn't known how to deal with it, he looked me in the eyes and lied to me multiple times, about something he knew hurts me, that's a big deal to me. Then when he realized our relationship could be over he got more sympathetic, we cried together and he begged me to stay... I told him okay and quicker than expected, I started to get over it.

Although, it was on my mind a lot, lying to me, I would cry because it hurt my self esteem so bad, he held me and saw how much his lies hurt me.

Then I caught him lying about it again.

I was so devastated... because he had been lying about it for about a week, is even asked him a couple of times and he would look me straight in they eyes and lie, and say he wasn't doing it again, he'd sleep with me, laugh with me, and act like nothing's was wrong when he knew if I found out, I would be so hurt.

I told him I was done, I was at work that night and he called me. We stayed on the phone for like over two hours, I told him I was over it, and he could find someone else, and it killed me to say that, he swore on everything he'd be totally honest, and open, and I'd have 100% of him, so once again, I stayed, but I told him I was on the fence, I didn't know if I was staying for long or not.

Fast forward to the next night, I was talking to him about a bad night I was having, he was at work, I was at his place, I told him I was hurting, because whenever I'm hurting about something, I want to be able to talk to him, because I love him.

He wasn't having it, he was having an awful night at work, which I didn't know at the time and he was being very short with me, which led me to believe once again he didn't care.

I got to work that night, I work third shift for right now, and started having a freak out, I was sobbing, I mean, sobbing like a baby.

I told him again I didn't think we would make it and maybe we needed to say goodbye.

He came to my work and we talked for a while, he confided in me with things, that I had no idea about.

I love him so much.. and when I asked why he lied to me and did that stuff again after seeing how bad it hurt me, he said he thought I wouldn't find out, and even though he ran the risk of getting caught, he said it was because he didn't see us lasting.

That didn't hurt as badly when he told me as it does now.

I was always committed to us, even whenever I thought I had to leave after his lies, I still deep down, wanted to work it out.

Now I'm stuck with no trust in him, and hurting a lot.

I had just gotten over my fear that he was going to leave me or stop loving me a couple of weeks before he told me that.

Now I'm back with every fear I started with.

I'm so sad and depressed over this, because every part of me wants to work this out with him, we've cried so much over it together, and he even told me I'm welcome to go through all of his things, his two computers and his phone, whenever I want, as often as I want, but, he said the same thing last time I caught him lying. I know he's scared, his last relationship was three years, and it ended with her leaving him out of the blue one day, and he always acted like he didn't know why, but after the first time I caught him lying, he told me he lied to her too... which to me, is a red flag. But I understand he's scared that I'll leave him one day like his ex, which is probably why he said he didn't see us lasting, it still scare some me though.

He said that he's definitely willing to go to counseling with me, because now he does see us lasting and he doesn't want to lose me, and that if I did leave, I could come back, he said that he could be married with kids, and he would always want me more.

I'm stuck.

I just want to be with him... but how am I suppose to believe him, yeah he said I can look through his computer and phone, but he can delete things... I don't want to lose him ever... but I'm so scared all the time now.

How would all of you handle this? I need some help with this. Thank you for all suggestions

 

What is he looking at that's so bad he lied to you and his ex??? Why don't you guys just go to counseling together? You said it yourself, "you don't need anyone to validate your feelings." You've stated your feeling, and now you're questioning them. Don't question them. Go to counseling and learn something from this experience. If it doesn't work out continue to work on yourself and going to counseling. You don't need to overthink this. You're not perfect and he's not perfect. There you go.

[MissCanuck]

I can't believe I have to keep repeating myself.

I wasn't forthcoming with it, because that information isn't exactly relevant, it doesn't matter what he lied about, all that matters is that it hurt me and I feel uncomfortable, I don't need people defending those videos and pictures, nobody is going to make me okay with it, especially by saying things like "lol good luck finding a guy who doesn't watch it"

I'm confused on how that was suppose to be helpful in anyway shape or form. I've tried to make myself okay with it but I'm not, and nobody saying anything like that will change my mind.

It wouldn't matter what he lied about, just because something doesn't bother one person, doesn't mean it doesn't bother another.

I really hope I don't have to repeat this to everyone yet again.

 

One person here said that. Did you somehow miss the other responses?

 

And yes, it is indeed relevant what he lies about. How can we really give you advice if you withhold information? You're only doing a disservice to yourself by omitting details.

 

In any event, it appears you're too defensive to really discuss the matter at hand any further. Becoming passive-aggressive won't help you here or with your boyfriend. If that is also how you communicate with him, there is a lesson to be learned there for you too.

 

Look, the bottom line is that it's not for anyone here to decide if porn is okay or not (which I said in a previous post - please re-read it if you skipped over it) It's not okay for you, and you know it's something your boyfriend enjoys and hides from you. Are you okay with that? I very much doubt he is going to stop if he hasn't so far. He will probably become better at hiding it, though, to be frank. So you have a choice to make. If it's not okay for you, then you exit the relationship. It's not good to be this distraught - you would probably be better suited with a guy who doesn't enjoy it.

[Lynnz]

I know maybe I should walk away, but I just want to give this all I have, and even in every other relationship, my anxiety and bad experiences will always make me scared... he's just the one, I know that sounds stupid coming from a girl barely in her 20's but he's so good to me... and I think it says something that he's willing to do counseling to fix it.

I can relate to so much of what you posted. When I was that age I was IN LOVE with my now ex boyfriend and couldn't see life without him. He helped with all my insecurities and made me feel special, all the while lying right to my face.

 

I'm not saying this is the case here, but looking back on it now, years later, I see he was taking advantage of my weaknesses. He realized I loved him so much I would forgive almost anything and I let him continue to hurt me until I felt I had nothing left.

 

I know you love him, but if he's lying continually, regardless of your feelings, you should gather all the strength you can muster and leave. It won't be easy, and you'll probably be tempted to go back.

 

If he really loves you the way you believe he does, he will change. He will prove to you that your feelings matter and that honesty is important. Otherwise, I know it doesn't feel like it now, but you are better off without him.