wonderboy1986 Posted February 19, 2017 Share Posted February 19, 2017 So ... I've posted my story before here but long story short, I've been dating my girlfriend for a little over a year, and every few months she starts a text conversation with her ex boyfriend (the guy she left to be with me) - they were together for about nine years, and don't have any contact or reasons to interact outside of her initiating the conversations. She moved in with me about five months after we got together (a different city) so it's not like they could bump into each other. She and I have talked about it, and she insists that her texts are just to "catch up" with him (they've been for reasons like asking about a mutual friend's baby, or asking about a work policy from the company they both worked for, or the last about two weeks ago was to tell him that a band he likes are coming to his town). So anyway, V-day I proposed (we were on vacation in Paris) and she said yes! I couldn't be happier and nor could she, but ... She text her ex the day after to tell him, and I feel kind of weird about that. She said it was just so he didn't hear about it first from anyone else. He was really nice about it, congratulations and all, so I don't believe there's an issue with him. But has anyone any experience of a fiancée behaving like this? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted February 19, 2017 Share Posted February 19, 2017 Do you think being engaged will make her feelings for her ex go away? Did you think she'd stop contacting him? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wonderboy1986 Posted February 19, 2017 Author Share Posted February 19, 2017 Well ... I guess if they're friendly feelings then no, of course not. I didn't think the contact would necessarily stop (in fact they're meeting for the first time since the break up in a few weeks - she and him have both been invited to a mutual friends wedding, and of course she and I are going together). I guess I just wanted people's thoughts on whether or not texting him about the engagement so he heard it from her was somehow significant? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted February 19, 2017 Share Posted February 19, 2017 Why does she think he needs to know at all? Does she imagine he still has feelings for her and news of her engagement would hurt him? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 In your shoes I would be bothered about these texts, but if it's really sporadic and they're just talking about random stuff (mutual friend's baby, question about policy from old work place), it doesn't seem like there is anything to worry about. I think it's good she told him that she's engaged. Definitely telling him that she's off the market. It's good that he appeared fine with it as well. I guess I just wanted people's thoughts on whether or not texting him about the engagement so he heard it from her was somehow significant? I think it's being sensitive. I know a lot of people who reached out to their exes like that so that they didn't hear it through the grapevine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RainyCoast Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 she finished things with him. We got together a week later She moved in with me maybe five months into our relationship. I recently found out that she's been texting her ex for about five months.all initiated by her.I know that he stopped trying to contact her about seven months ago as soon as he found out about me. you got with her a week after they broke up? moved in together five months in? now engaged? forgive me for i have no manners: do you reflect? at all? she's not over him one bit. the fact that he has morals doesn't help you. it ain't him you'll be marrying. i'd break this off, but don't think you will. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 I can't fathom why she thought she had to tell him herself so "he wouldn't hear it from someone else". Like she thought it would bother him. Perhaps she was hoping he'd shout "NO! Don't marry him! I still love you!!!!111" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pretzel Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 I know everyone will take a hard line on this. But I just want to say every situation is different. I personally don't feel its anything to worry about it there's no point in making any general and sweeping statements. If she wanted to be with him, why is she with you and not with her ex, whom she chose to break up with? She has made a life long commitment to you, that is huge! Focus on the fact that she said yes! That's great news and you should be celebrating! You could take her telling him as a good sign that she is letting him know that she is off the market and also a sign of respect to him in case he hears it from someone else, and given how recent their break up is, that wouldn't be very kind. As everyone has said, 9 years is a long time. I have a friend who was with someone for 8 years (albeit on and off) and kind of jumped into a new relationship with someone else and got engaged as quickly as you, and then married, and its working out! He is friends with his ex too now, and said he sees her as a sister now. They are both seeing other people. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RainyCoast Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 all those exs of mine went off to get engaged, married, make babies, without running it up by me first?!!!! bastards!!!! classless, horrid bastards!!!!! lulz. no. every once in a while an old friend will say something like "Simon G's daughter", and i just record it that Simon G has a daughter, as, you know, it isn't a shocker, much less offensive, that people live and stuff. and never once has it occurred to me that to hear it form anyone other than them was wrong. because ending contact goes in the splitting up package, unless you're not so sure about being split. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dahl Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 Congratulations on your engagement, Wonderboy. Does she ever provide you with any elucidation on what prompts her to continually reach out to her ex? I'm in no way passing judgment on you or her, or the situation, come to that - purely curious about this particular element. Cheers! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Birdie Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 Regardless what her intentions are. You've been posting about this same issue since September. Obviously it's making you insecure and doubting her. That doesn't seem like a very strong foundation for marriage.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RainyCoast Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 it's "just to catch up". i bet if one kept asking "but why do you feel you need to do that" downward arrow style she would lose it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doc Blaze Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 I know everyone will take a hard line on this. But I just want to say every situation is different. I personally don't feel its anything to worry about it there's no point in making any general and sweeping statements. If she wanted to be with him, why is she with you and not with her ex, whom she chose to break up with? She has made a life long commitment to you, that is huge! Focus on the fact that she said yes! That's great news and you should be celebrating! You could take her telling him as a good sign that she is letting him know that she is off the market and also a sign of respect to him in case he hears it from someone else, and given how recent their break up is, that wouldn't be very kind. As everyone has said, 9 years is a long time. I have a friend who was with someone for 8 years (albeit on and off) and kind of jumped into a new relationship with someone else and got engaged as quickly as you, and then married, and its working out! He is friends with his ex too now, and said he sees her as a sister now. They are both seeing other people. you should read his past threads, she initiates all the contact to her ex...why? I dont think the point is that she is going to leave Op, but contacting the ex to catch up is not needed. from what i recall the ex would barely even text her back.. i feel like she has like some unfinished business and just needs to move on from contacting the ex. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wolfshook Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 I'd say it depends on what kind of relationship they have. If they ended on good terms as in "hey, I dont think we fit", "hey,neither do I",then I think it'd be okay-ish. But if she left him for you,and now does this... It's something to worry a bit. Dont you think you are moving a bit fast? I mean,she broke up with him a year ago,you imediately jumped into relationship,then few months in you moved in together and after just a few months you propose. She had no time to heal,no time to grow. It's hard to forget 9 years in such a short time. And you barely got out of honeymoon stage (if you even did). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 I think she's written a drama in her head where the guy is the poor ex pining away over her, and she's "the one who got away" who he'll love until the end of his days. And her role is the kindly ex who generously keeps him in her life as a "friend", kind of like a consolation prize or parting gift. But...all of the interaction between them that you've described doesn't reflect that HE actually feels that way. He seems to be polite but certainly not responding like the spurned, jealous or heartbroken pining ex. I bet if she stopped contacting him he wouldn't even hardly notice. Or care. But, SHE insists on continuing to insert herself into his life. Why? Either she still loves him and is hoping he asks her to come back to him, or she's got some kind of ego thing going on where she can't believe that a guy could possibly get over her. One of my exes was the ego type. One time an ex of his from about 8 years prior (who HE broke up with to be with the girl he was cheating on her with!) came to one of his events (he was a semi-pro athlete) accompanied by one of his good friends who she was now dating. Keep in mind, the two of them had been broken up for about EIGHT years, and he'd initiated it. But he reacted like a crazy man, whining "How could she DO that to me?????" and complaining for hours and hours. He reacted that same way when any of his exes dated someone else. He believed that every one of his exes (even dating back to high school) should be pining over him for eternity. He claimed if they REALLY loved him they would never get over him. HE didn't want this ex of his, but he wanted HER to pine over HIM forever. It didn't make any sense, but that's how he was. Does she plan to continue to contact him after you two are married? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dahl Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 I think she's written a drama in her head where the guy is the poor ex pining away over her, and she's "the one who got away" who he'll love until the end of his days. And her role is the kindly ex who generously keeps him in her life as a "friend", kind of like a consolation prize or parting gift. But...all of the interaction between them that you've described doesn't reflect that HE actually feels that way. He seems to be polite but certainly not responding like the spurned, jealous or heartbroken pining ex. I bet if she stopped contacting him he wouldn't even hardly notice. Or care. But, SHE insists on continuing to insert herself into his life. Why? Either she still loves him and is hoping he asks her to come back to him, or she's got some kind of ego thing going on where she can't believe that a guy could possibly get over her. One of my exes was the ego type. One time an ex of his from about 8 years prior (who HE broke up with to be with the girl he was cheating on her with!) came to one of his events (he was a semi-pro athlete) accompanied by one of his good friends who she was now dating. Keep in mind, the two of them had been broken up for about EIGHT years, and he'd initiated it. But he reacted like a crazy man, whining "How could she DO that to me?????" and complaining for hours and hours. He reacted that same way when any of his exes dated someone else. He believed that every one of his exes (even dating back to high school) should be pining over him for eternity. He claimed if they REALLY loved him they would never get over him. HE didn't want this ex of his, but he wanted HER to pine over HIM forever. It didn't make any sense, but that's how he was. Does she plan to continue to contact him after you two are married? I'm sorry to say it, but this rings awfully clear and true, to me at least. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wonderboy1986 Posted February 20, 2017 Author Share Posted February 20, 2017 you got with her a week after they broke up? moved in together five months in? now engaged? forgive me for i have no manners: do you reflect? at all? she's not over him one bit. the fact that he has morals doesn't help you. it ain't him you'll be marrying. i'd break this off, but don't think you will. Actually there's something of an update to that, although I don't think I ever posted it. There was actually an overlap of a week or so between starting with me and her leaving him. I didn't know that at the time (I didn't actually know she was seeing ANYONE until a while after we got together). And I know what people are saying about her letting him know she's "off the market" but as far as I know the other guy hasn't made a single move on her/text her first etc, so I was confused why she'd let him know. I guess, when we meet in a few weeks time, I'll see how she is with him. I'm not sure what red flags I should look for seeing them together tho. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RainyCoast Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 There was actually an overlap of a week or so between starting with me and her leaving him. I didn't know that at the time (I didn't actually know she was seeing ANYONE until a while after we got together). whoa whoa whoa, do you mean she was seeing you both at once and didn't tell you that? as far as I know the other guy hasn't made a single move on her/text her first etc, so I was confused why she'd let him know. because she isn't over him. there is no reason why a person would insist updating an ex, especially a disinterested ex for any other reason, save shared children. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wonderboy1986 Posted February 20, 2017 Author Share Posted February 20, 2017 whoa whoa whoa, do you mean she was seeing you both at once and didn't tell you that? because she isn't over him. there is no reason why a person would insist updating an ex, especially a disinterested ex for any other reason, save shared children. Yes, our first date (what we now call becoming official) was a week before she text him that it was over. He tried to talk with a few texts and a letter for a few weeks, until she started posting about our relationship on fb etc. After that he stopped, and it's all been her since then. She never replied to any of his initial texts/the letter. He doesn't know we overlapped, and as I say I didn't know she'd been seeing someone until later. Since then of course we've moved in together and now the engagement. I take your point, but for discussion, if she's not over him then why would she accept my proposal? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RainyCoast Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 then why would she accept my proposal? she didn't have his then. and you allowed her to play the double game, whereas some other candidate wouldn't. if he weren't decent enough to not respond to her game plan, she'd drop you in a heartbeat for him. not making decision for you, but my most sincere heartfelt suggestion: be done with this woman son. see a counselor if you have to to get clarity, a priest if that's up your alley, but be done with her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wonderboy1986 Posted February 20, 2017 Author Share Posted February 20, 2017 she didn't have his then. and you allowed her to play the double game, whereas some other candidate wouldn't. if he weren't decent enough to not respond to her game plan, she'd drop you in a heartbeat for him. not making decision for you, but my most sincere heartfelt suggestion: be done with this woman son. see a counselor if you have to to get clarity, a priest if that's up your alley, but be done with her. Thank you, I appreciate your honesty. I hope you're wrong tho, of course. I guess I'll feel better when I see them interact together in a few weeks. What red flags should I look for from her? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doc Blaze Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 wait you are meeting up with her ex? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wonderboy1986 Posted February 20, 2017 Author Share Posted February 20, 2017 wait you are meeting up with her ex? Yes, we're all attending a wedding in a few weeks time. The arrangements are such that we'll all be sitting at the same table. It'll be the first time she and him have met (or spoke, outside of text) since December 2015 - she didn't start messaging him again until about June 2016. I'm curious to hear any guidance about signs she might still be interested in him, even though I don't see how she could be if we're engaged. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doc Blaze Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 why did they break up? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wonderboy1986 Posted February 20, 2017 Author Share Posted February 20, 2017 why did they break up? The way she tells it, the relationship just ran its course, no cheating or anything. Things got tougher when she got a new job (where she and I met) that limited their time together (travel etc). Apparently in the last few weeks he got kind of needy, but reading between the lines I think he's probably sensed the end or her being drawn to me or whatever. I'd love to be able to say that the guy made it difficult for her but even she says he showed nothing but respect and compassion throughout the break up, and as I say, he's left her alone, only ever replying to her texts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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