I don't want to lose her, but I said foolish crap.

[boltnrun]

Just because she left him doesn't mean she doesn't love him.

 

Sounds like you're rationalizing because you want her.

 

Don't be surprised if you do eventually start dating her again and then you find out she's seeing her ex behind your back.

[RainyCoast]

and now she wishes she could call him. and she keeps bringing him up.

 

are you trying to convince us or yourself that she is over her ex? if you are comfortable with this, have it this way. if you are not, you can walk. or are you hoping that you can magically change the fact she's not over him?

 

and again, if it's the sex you want so badly, just have the sex. she'll be emotionally invested elsewhere, but you'll get the sex. lots of partners are causal.

 

you can't turn this into something that it isn't by whining or rationalizing, or anything. it's take it or leave it.

 

if you don't want just sex without the commitment, she is the wrong girl.

[Jesuismieux412]

She also told me she wasn't happy when she was with him...I'm just recalling this. Sorry, as you all know, we've talked a whole lot. Ha.

[katrina1980]

Katrina, she's a full time student and works 2 jobs. I've seen her every week for the past month and a half, and we cannot keep our hands off of one another...other "things" have happened, too. Everything except outright intercourse.

 

Okay, then there is no problem, right? Just continue to carry on.

 

She'll get over your outburst eventually... unless she is using it as an excuse to dump you.

 

Re her ex, maybe eventually she will get over him too.

 

G' luck, hope it works out.

[Krankor]

I have to strongly disagree. If this is someone you still want to date, speaking to her like this was unacceptable.

 

If the genders were reversed, I would say the same thing.

 

If you don't want to date someone not over their ex, then stop dating her. But the verbal vitriol is not OK.

I agree completely that it's not OK to snap at or swear at a partner or love interest like that, and I'm kind of surprised that some people seem to think it is.

 

I do think it's OK though to simply say "I don't really want to keep hearing about your ex." I don't think that falls under the category of trying to change someone; rather, that's just requesting some parameters.

 

I still talk about a woman who I broke up with almost 5 years ago now. It's not that I'm not over her, it's just that she treated me so ridiculously that it makes for good stories. But I don't with my current girlfriend because I figure she'd probably rather not hear it.

[Jesuismieux412]

I must say: all of you folks are pretty damn amazing talking to me and having a discussion like this. I don't have many folks to confide in, so this is nice.

[RainyCoast]

Haha about the sex. She probably isn't going to come back to me after my little outburst...who knows?

 

of course she will. i can see how the responses on this thread would have you believe the F word is more offensive than emotionally cheating, but it isn't that she's unforgivably hurt about how you said it (although you'll want to communicate with less affect nevertheless). she is just sulking that you demanded fairness of her, and that you expect to not be a nice distraction while she pines for her psycho ex.

 

of course she will come back. she needs a therapist and an emotional blanket six hours a night until her abusive ex graces her with his kind permission to come back to him for more abuse. and when manure hits the fan with him again, you'll come in handy.

[Jesuismieux412]

of course she will. i can see how the responses on this thread would have you believe the F word is more offensive than emotionally cheating, but it isn't that she's unforgivably hurt about how you said it (although you'll want to communicate with less affect nevertheless). she is just sulking that you demanded fairness of her, and that you expect to not be a nice distraction while she pines for her psycho ex.

 

of course she will come back. she needs a therapist and an emotional blanket six hours a night until her abusive ex graces her with his kind permission to come back to him for more abuse. and when manure hits the fan with him again, you'll come in handy.

 

If she does return, I will be sure to keep all of this in mind.

[annie24]

How much was she talking about him? Like a lot or she only mentioned him a few times briefly?

[Jesuismieux412]

How much was she talking about him? Like a lot or she only mentioned him a few times briefly?

 

She'll mention a thing or two about him daily. MAYBE not everyday...

[Jesuismieux412]

of course she will. i can see how the responses on this thread would have you believe the F word is more offensive than emotionally cheating, but it isn't that she's unforgivably hurt about how you said it (although you'll want to communicate with less affect nevertheless). she is just sulking that you demanded fairness of her, and that you expect to not be a nice distraction while she pines for her psycho ex.

 

of course she will come back. she needs a therapist and an emotional blanket six hours a night until her abusive ex graces her with his kind permission to come back to him for more abuse. and when manure hits the fan with him again, you'll come in handy.

 

A little challenge for you since you appear to have such insight: when do you think she will contact me? How many days? What do you think she will say? How will she act?

[RainyCoast]

haha, not a magic 8 ball but i doubt she'll last long. the only way i think she would be able to keep you waiting is if she has a replacement lined up, or she's not as scared of her screaming ex as she says she is.

 

the chances of her rationally deciding that she needs time alone and single before she can date again seem quite low with this one.

 

until she calls, really think about whether it's worth it. maybe read up on abuse cycles and how and why people come back to abusive partners periodically.

 

it's unfortunately boringly predictable, although to the people in lust, it seems they are different, and it's unique, and meaningful and people just don't get them that it's different with them.

 

 

don't text or call now. post in the text your ex thread or start a "unsent texts" thread or something if you're tempted.

[katrina1980]

 

She also said she was abused by her previous boyfriends...had a bad experience with a Borderline Personality once, too.

 

Just read this, wow.

 

So her pattern is ... she becomes attracted (and stays at least for awhile) with unstable men who abuse her.

 

Has she received therapy for this? To understand her unhealthy pattern of attracting men who abuse her?

 

Jmo but this indicates a much larger issue.

 

Did her ex abuse her too? Is this why she left?

 

I am not a shrink but my understanding is that women who become attracted to men who eventually abuse them or who are unstable .... are attracted to drama. excitement, instability.

 

When a "nice" man comes along, try as she might, she is unable to feel the same level of intense emotions and passion she felt with the abusive/unstable guy.

 

It's a love/hate type thing, the "love" and passion can be intense. She may leave, but those intense emotions she felt with him remain.

 

Do you think she was "afraid" to have sex with her ex too? Afraid she would 'disappoint' him?

[Jesuismieux412]

haha, not a magic 8 ball but i doubt she'll last long. the only way i think she would be able to keep you waiting is if she has a replacement lined up, or she's not as scared of her screaming ex as she says she is.

 

the chances of her rationally deciding that she needs time alone and single before she can date again seem quite low with this one.

 

until she calls, really think about whether it's worth it. maybe read up on abuse cycles and how and why people come back to abusive partners periodically.

 

it's unfortunately boringly predictable, although to the people in lust, it seems they are different, and it's unique, and meaningful and people just don't get them that it's different with them.

 

 

don't text or call now. post in the text your ex thread or start a "unsent texts" thread or something if you're tempted.

the chances of her rationally deciding that she needs time alone and single before she can date again seem quite low with this one.

 

^Can you explain this more a bit, please?

[RainyCoast]

well obviously she'd benefit of being single for a while and finding out what attracts her to abusive dynamics like katrina said. but her behavior has me thinking she's not interested in working on herself. she is interested in always having a a partner, an emotional blanket, someone to nurse her wounds, then if the chance appears, go back to the old relationship out of codependency. as long as they have people who enable them, show them attention and affection six hours a night and put up with their fixation on their exs, they don't need to get help.

[Hollyj]

I see you, Katrina..but she did break up with him a year ago...she broke it off with him.

 

Then why is she still bringing him up?

 

You need to follow actions.

[RainyCoast]

listen to anything holls says. and go read all the threads about people who just can't seem to stop going back to their exs for the same old same old, with exciting chemistry filled distractions in between rounds.

[Jesuismieux412]

well obviously she'd benefit of being single for a while and finding out what attracts her to abusive dynamics like katrina said. but her behavior has me thinking she's not interested in working on herself. she is interested in always having a a partner, an emotional blanket, someone to nurse her wounds, then if the chance appears, go back to the old relationship out of codependency. as long as they have people who enable them, show them attention and affection six hours a night and put up with their fixation on their exs, they don't need to get help.

 

I see...obviously I have to consider the dynamics here, as well. Is all of this to say people like her cannot get attached to emotionally stable men? She cannot have relationships with stable men?

[Jesuismieux412]

listen to anything holls says. and go read all the threads about people who just can't seem to stop going back to their exs for the same old same old, with exciting chemistry filled distractions in between rounds.

 

Okay, so she's going "back to her ex" mentally, not physically?

[annie24]

I think if you still want her, she should apologize to you for making you feel uncomfortable.

[Hollyj]

listen to anything holls says. and go read all the threads about people who just can't seem to stop going back to their exs for the same old same old, with exciting chemistry filled distractions in between rounds.

 

Oh Girrrrl, you flatter me. I can't touch your advice.

[katrina1980]

I see...obviously I have to consider the dynamics here, as well. Is all of this to say people like her cannot get attached to emotionally stable men? She cannot have relationships with stable men?

 

Yes she can but like I said, not with the same level of intense emotions and passion she felt with the abusive/ unstable guy.

 

Like RC said, she needs/will lean on the stable guy as more of an emotional crutch ... as opposed to feeling a strong emotional and sexual passion for him. That's my understanding of it anyway.

 

Which in her case, explains why she hesitates to have sex with you. She is just not feeling it the way she felt with her ex, or the way you feel about her.

 

She goes through the motions, but hell, I have had in-person dates that don't last as long as your phone convos every night.

 

Six hours per night, when you could be ****ing in person?

 

There is something very off about that.

[Dahl]

I think if you still want her, she should apologize to you for making you feel uncomfortable.

 

I think that you are all top shelf.

 

And to the OP, I just wanted to highlight this suggestion for your consideration. It so well and succinctly captures what I wanted to say earlier.

[Jesuismieux412]

Well one thing is for certain--I'm not going to abuse her for sex...so I guess this thing is done. And yeah, all of you are really great. With people like her, will they only have sex with some ass that abuses them? Because I will not "abuse" anyone like that.

 

Now here's something new that is concerning me: If she comes back...or WHEN she does, according to RC...how do I tell her I'm not longer interested if I choose to do so? What will she do?

[RainyCoast]

i think if the chance presented itself, she would go back physically as well.

 

exactly, the dynamics are giving away the only pattern of relating that she knows. it can be unlearned, but with her effort and time.

 

no, i don't think that she can have a relationship with a stable person until she is properly treated, which could take a very long time.