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Confused. Wants to stay "together" but not be together. :S

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Hi All,


Sorry this is LONG and i needed to get this out and if anyone could offer some advice/opinions anything.


so a few days ago my Ex-Girlfriend and i of 13years split up, was not mutual it was on her side she decided that our relationship was going nowhere and that we did not have anything in common anymore. As the heading states, she wants to stay together in the sense that we live together, sleep together(no sex)but our usual snuggling and sleeping habits we have because its familiar and that if we were to move apart that it would be more painful being away from each other not being able to talk or be there for one another.


Now i find this good and bad. I want to be with her no just as a friend but back in a relationship with her i intend on trying my best to win her over again with all i can and all of my being. Now there is a huge story to this and i will try and explain.


My Story:

i work 4 days / 12hour shifts rotating roster days/nights, being away from home a total of 16hours of those days i have to work. When i'm not working i'm either recovering from a night shift or i'm at home and just relaxing either playing some video games or just watching some TV with her. When we are able to we go out to dinner, movies and if we feel like it go for a ride somewhere. From all of this i wish i had more time to do things with her and more money to take her on trips and better dinners which i am changing my position at work to make this time. Now it doesn't matter that we aren't "together". more to the story later.I like doing alot of things but i also like doing things with her sounds stupid but i'm not happy unless i'm around her.


Her Story:

She is a digital artist so she spends alot of her time on the PC drawing, designing stuff for people. She recently had an injury with caused her to lose her job that she had which required her to leave the house etc, so she was stuck without a job now, She also lost her license so she could not go anywhere when she wanted to which was not her fault was just bad circumstances.


She suffers from depression, anxiety so she finds it very hard to make friends and or go outside at the best of times so she took a big setback when she lost that job.

For 13 years i never thought of her as a burden or a chore or that i wished i was with someone else i love her for who she is with all the good and the bad.


So down to the issue between us, she has issues with not being able to get out of the house or going and doing this and together that our relationship is boring and we never do anything anymore that we had no common interests. Given every time i wanted to go do something i would get the answer of No, I'm too fat, i have no clothes, its too hot and many others which was frustrating because i wanted to take her out to do stuff she just refused majority of the time but said it was my fault that we never went or did anything interesting. After a while i did stop trying as the only answers i got were all No.. she would complain she was bored so i would ask her if she wanted to go out or that i was going to do something would she like to come along but still the answer was No.


So she eventually got stuck into this slum of only sitting on the computer all day playing video games as she made a friend online who played the same games. And yes there is a story to that also. short story of it, The way he talked to her i found a little inappropriate for someone that barely knew her i spoke to her about it and she did have a chat to him about it which apparently he was find with and refrained from the way he spoke to her. Before any of that i found her being very secretive with her phone, he chats and what looked like she was hiding stuff from my for some reason.


In the past she had made a mistake of getting involved with someone which did end up with us getting into a big argument, after alot of talking and we did manage to sort it out and after that i found it hard to trust her, but this time i did not think she was upto something more of i was trying to figure out what she was doing and going through with the way she had started acting with her phone, towards me and our relationship which is where i think it started going wrong.


i spoke to her sister who had has depression and also had a breakup with her partner cheating on her which cause them to split so i figured the perfect person to talk to having gone through something similar.


We spoke, which my Ex did not know about as i didn't see it as something she needed to know, the chats between her sister and i were for my understand and advice/opinions on the matter more then to have her sister act on anything i told or spoke with her about, but that did not work out. She went and told her father about our chatting which he has zero tact when talking to someone.


So feb 14th.. valentines day.. i had ordered flowers for her and they came to the door, she was not able to get to the door so her father answers the door and got the flowers. He brought them into the room where my ex was and from what i understand he stood infront of her and basically forced her to open them there and then that very second nomatter what she was doing. As my Ex was doing something at the time and she said i will open them in a second im just in the middle of something i cannot stop he starting abusing her, yelling at her which went along the lines of "are you serious, you are chosing a computer over opening flowers from your partner, PUT your headphones down now get off that computer, whoever you are talking to they are not family who gives a sh*t about them pieces of crap" so he really got in her face and abused her for not opening them on the spot. Which i would have no issue with if she had to wait to open them.


after that there was a huge argument between them and she left the house and were to her mothers, pretty much she decided she was moving out after that. So as i was at work i had no idea what was going on other then her sister and father abused her for not opening MY flowers and ruining the moment and day for her, i was furious.


She went back to the house to grab some clothes etc, during that her sister decided it would be a good idea to go and tell her that we had been talking, again this wasn't "behind her back" not gossiping or anything of the sort, it was for my own information and advice that i was talking to her not for her sister to talk to anyone else about.


after that i recieved an SMS, WE'RE DONE, F you, my sister, my dad all of you. Get your stuff we are done. Now i had no idea what happened which i could only gather that her sister tried to tell her everything to make her not mad at her and to blame it on me as it was my fault i came to her for some advice. So still confused to how she came to be like this i messaged her sister asking what happened, her reply was i told her everything, everything we talked about and she got mad. I said to her why would you O.o it was in confidence and had nothing to do with her, and why did she tell her dad.. she couldn't give my an answer except on its your fault you came to me.


So after all of that my Ex said that she was mad at me but did not hate me, she didnt know if she wanted me to stay or go. I did ask her can she think about it as i needed to arrange someone to go. She said she wanted me to come back to where she was and that i could stay. So after that i was confused, i know she was mad, i know she was angry but no idea what she was thinking when she said come back.


So we left it a day and i ask her so what she wanted to do, she said she did not want to lose me forever and liked having me around, would miss me if i wasn't there to talk to to do things with what we did every day. I ask so what does that mean. Does that mean that you want to try and mend our relationship or do you want me to go.


being as its been 13 years i dont want to throw away that time, but on the other hand being in contact with her after so long it would probably hurt more staying with her than leaving. I'm so confused as i bet she is the same.


I want to see if we can mend it by staying "together" and seeing if something sparks again, or leaving and not having the chance and missing out. i'm torn, shes confused, i'm confused. I dont know if she is scared that things might be the same or maybe if things might be different.


there is so much to the story and not enough space or time to explain it all.


does anyone have any suggestions, advice, opinions. Is this something i should try and keep doing to see if it sparks or do i just leave.. i would lose a life long friend. Seeing her with someone else would kill me.


what to do


I'm sorry it's a wall of text. My head is just as bad.

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Ok -- i think this sums it up: after 13 years you never married. Yes, it was going nowhere. It was not going anywhere for a a number of years. And if i work long hours and hadn't seen my guy - i don't play video games and watch tv. I spend time with him talking about things that are important to him, I take a walk with him, etc, even if it is for a short time before bed. It sounds like this was over years ago, and there is nothing really to do but accept it.

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she is telling you to deny yourself the possibility of a fulfilling life, independence, and a functional happy relationship...............so that she can avoid the panic of being alone.


the obvious solution to get treatment rather than ask people to sacrifice themselves so that she could remain sick and happy with it, does not cross her mind.


i am in awe of what i just read. for real.

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Sorry you are going through this. As an uninvolved third party, my advice would be to break up. It takes two to fix a relationship and she is not onboard. You cannot fix this all on your own and past history shows that she won't cooperate. You have tried for 13 years to make this relationship work and it didn't. Wasting more years trying would be a very bad idea and a waste of time. Google what sunk cost fallacy is. Staying would be enabling her to continue down the same road. She would continue to blame you for everything that is wrong in your relationship and once she found a replacement she would drop you altogether. I realise that she was a substantial part of your life BUT this is no longer good for either of you. Something's gotta change and her proposal is basically for things to stay the same and even worse, minus the sex.

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Thanks for the advice, I think I know what needs to happen, what I need to do but afraid to do it. I plan to get my own place just trying to save up the money, but I'm unsure if I want to keep in contact or cut it off all together. I don't hate her, I love her so talking to her without being with her would hurt but I don't know if it would hurt more losing my best friend.

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