Advice regarding husband's porno addiction and potential infidelity

[Abject Misery]

I've been with my husband for 15 years, married for 10. We currently have a 1 month old and a 3 year old. About 2 weeks ago he was reading my texts and he asked me if I delete my texts with my friends because sometimes the conversation doesn't make sense. I laughed and said no. We sometimes remove a friend from a thread or go to hangouts or just call each other. I would delete the entire thread when I feel like I need space on my phone but not texts. I didn't think anything of it. One of my other friends mentioned that he had a snap chat account. I brushed it off. My husband is in IT so he's pretty savvy at hiding his tracks not to mention he can lie with a straight face.

 

Sex although not as much as before the kids, have always been constant especially when we were trying to get pregnant, which only increased during pregnancy. I enjoy pornography and sends him naughty picture here and there. He likes cuckold porn and have mentioned 3some in the past. He said it's just fantasies and will not jeopardize our relationship acting out on it.

 

Earlier in the relationship I caught him hosting a yahoo group regarding picture sharing and sexual encounters and wanting to meet. He claims it's just to get Porn. Later on I caught him with naked photos and videos of our roommates, friend and brother in law's girl friends. We fought again and I thought he deleted everything.

 

5 days ago, I saw his reddit up and browsed and saw that he had an xhamster account which made my heart drop. Pictures and a video of one our roommates were uploaded to his page, pretending it's him. He said he found them while formatting previous hard drives. His profile says taken and he's not seeking anybody. There's responses from a year ago regarding passwords for locked items, and other sexual nature with random users.

 

I went to the gmail account affiliated to the profile and saw that he responded to a Craigslist ad in 2012. 9 days after our 10 year dating anniversary. Introducing himself and offering lunch instead of drinks to see if there is any chemistry and that he'll send a photo when the person responds just so he can be sure that the account is real. He's into Asians especially soccer moms. Saw another email with questions on how to he can watch. Skype, facetime, etc. saying that he's not a creep he just likes to watch and maybe participate.

 

I went to his craigslist account and saw that he posted on missed encounters about a woman with a beautiful smile at a concert that we went to for our anniversary, just wanted to tell her that she was gorgeous and that he wanted to keep looking back.

 

In his work email he was corresponding with a previous female coworker. Said he misses her being so close and that they should do lunch soon. The fiance of the girl apparently is super controlling that she can only snap chat. According to her, "she's scared cuz he's on her stuff like crazy so no surprises." He said don't be scared I got permission and that he promises to keep the content tame and he said until the lunch she should go back on snapchat so he could talk to her. He was also talking to another girl who just recently had an affair with another coworker. Last conversation was her telling him to check his snap chat. This was within the last month or so.

 

2 days ago, I found out that he also has an Ashley Madison Account saying that he's an attached male looking for a lunch fling cuz he's not getting all the love he wants at home. I don't know how to check when the account was opened or if he's ever contacted anyone.

 

He said no one responded to his emails, the coworker emails are platonic and Ashley Madison is just morbid curiosity. He's ashamed of it but he said he likes porno, especially amateur. If he knows the people from the pictures or videos even better. All of those accounts are just to get access to photos. He said he'll stop looking at porno and masturbating and will not talk to girls at all. He thought he could have a friend who's a girl but apparently he's wrong.

 

I asked him why lunch and he said it felt less devious that's why he always says lunch. He has a job that allows him free time to take his lunch as he pleases. He said he typically eat lunch at his desk. About 50%-75% we text, eat lunch together or hangouts. He said he will never cheat on me because his goal is to be better than his dad. It's all just for porn and for his curiosity and sexual appetite. He's been propositioned and given multiple opportunities to cheat at his previous job but he declined.

 

He's an excellent dad and a very good husband. Besides the stresses of work, kids never ending house projects, I thought we were happy. He's been telling me that he's so lucky he has me because of he knows what's out there. He talks and hears about it.

 

Devastated doesn't even describe how I feel. Postpartum depression seems so real right now. I feel like a psycho rereading everything. I'm a masochist, I want every painful, sordid detail which I can't find. There's no follow up conversation on his gmail about the ad he responded to. The email account is pretty bare. Either there was really no response or he's just good at deleting it.

 

He's since offered that we can do a contract with the following provisions which would result in me getting full custody of the kids, child/spousal support and the house. Still in the works...

-if any proof comes up that he cheated anytime during our relationship. Sex, date, video chat, etc

-if he has created any new accounts since 2012 that's affiliated with sexual congress: tinder, porn site, secret email accounts

-if he redownloads snap chat

 

I feel bipolar, ugly and ashamed. I seesaw between wanting him to touch and comfort me to repulsed and disgusted. The contract somewhat made me feel better but with his tech proficiency he's really good at covering his tracks I doubt I'll ever find anything.

 

-What are the chances that nothing really came of these emails?

-Are there any men here who's joined these accounts for the purpose of pornography only?

-any advise on what else should be added to the post nup?

-Any advise on how I can retrieve the missing information if possible?

-perhaps catch him better?

-anyone have been in the same situation? How is your relationship now?

-is it worth it to download 'couple tracker-mobile monitor' or similar apps?

-I have 2 kids so falling apart isn't really an option but I feel like I'm in a haze. Any advise on how to cope.

[rosephase]

NO. Holy crap no. He put up naked pictures of people you know, without their permission? That is way out of line. That is creepy and messed up and have you told these people so they can try and get their personal photos taken down?

 

If I was you I wouldn't care about all the maybe cheating. How can you stay with someone who would do something like that? You can keep looking for evidence that he's a cheater but you already know he has no respect for other people.

[abitbroken]

Later on I caught him with naked photos and videos of our roommates, friend and brother in law's girl friends. We fought again and I thought he deleted everything.

 

This is where I would bring the authorities in. Did he film them without their knowledge? I would be more concerned with that aspect of it.

 

Also, with two small kids, what are you doing with roommates? I know every financial situation is different, but why not just get a small place so you don't have the distraction of these other people.

[abitbroken]

He's since offered that we can do a contract with the following provisions which would result in me getting full custody of the kids, child/spousal support and the house. Still in the works...

-if any proof comes up that he cheated anytime during our relationship. Sex, date, video chat, etc

-if he has created any new accounts since 2012 that's affiliated with sexual congress: tinder, porn site, secret email accounts

-if he redownloads snap chat

 

I feel bipolar, ugly and ashamed. I seesaw between wanting him to touch and comfort me to repulsed and disgusted. The contract somewhat made me feel better but with his tech proficiency he's really good at covering his tracks I doubt I'll ever find anything.

 

.

 

Get an attorney. Now. Under his terms, you bet he will bring up any detail that you sent him porn pictures yourself.

Also, no one needs to join a cheating site to get porn. The internet is full of porn already. he's a liar with no regard for you or the kids. "any new accounts since 2012" - he shouldn't have ANY of these accounts. It doesn't matter how old they are. His contract is one he can wiggle out of. You should seek full custody (don't tell him at first) because of his porn habit and trolling for strangers on the internet. I would be afraid for my kids if he has videos of your relatives and roommates. Not that he's into kiddie porn, but what if someone online said they would have sex or trade pics if he gave them pics of his kids? Do not let him call the shots here.

[gebaird]

If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, it's probably ... a sex addict.

 

And totally cheating on you. No way in hell is an Ashley Madison account a way to get porn. It's a way to get laid.

 

Get out NOW. Do not pass go, do not collect $200, and do not sign stupid meaningless contracts with someone who you already know is a bald-faced liar.

 

Call a doctor and get checked for STDs. You can't fix him, but you can protect yourself and your children.

[Abject Misery]

NO. Holy crap no. He put up naked pictures of people you know, without their permission? That is way out of line. That is creepy and messed up and have you told these people so they can try and get their personal photos taken down?

 

If I was you I wouldn't care about all the maybe cheating. How can you stay with someone who would do something like that? You can keep looking for evidence that he's a cheater but you already know he has no respect for other people.

 

Yes. They know. I think they were a part of the group at the time. He's done a 3some with them in the past before me.

[Abject Misery]

It's with their knowledge. Those friends are no longer a part of our life.

 

I've been with him for a very long time.

We've had our own house since 2010. This was one of the conditions before we started a family. We had roommates in our early 20s when we first moved out.

[Lester]

Porn is an addiction of the mind, and the reason behind all of your troubles.

Like drugs, it follows progressive routes and must have enablers.

 

You're that person. ("I enjoy pornography and sends him naughty picture here and there.")

 

If there is to be any hope: through education, you must first straighten your own crooked measuring stick.

[Unreasonable]

You're going to drive yourself crazy in a constant state of paranoia if you stay with this man. Seriously, do want to spend the rest of your life being internet cop to this man? This is way past porn. If you're going to try to work it out, at least go to counselling. But I wouldn't put up with this personally.

[Abject Misery]

You're going to drive yourself crazy in a constant state of paranoia if you stay with this man. Seriously, do want to spend the rest of your life being internet cop to this man? This is way past porn. If you're going to try to work it out, at least go to counselling. But I wouldn't put up with this personally.

 

I haven't considered counseling but he has mentioned looking into getting help with his addiction.

[Abject Misery]

I've already researched several lawyers that I will reach out to them next week. Apart from potentially having divorced parents he wouldn't hurt our kids. The photos were given to him. Some of his previous friends are of the same mindset.

[Abject Misery]

Porn is an addiction of the mind, and the reason behind all of your troubles.

Like drugs, it follows progressive routes and must have enablers.

 

You're that person. ("I enjoy pornography and sends him naughty picture here and there.")

 

If there is to be any hope: through education, you must first straighten your own crooked measuring stick.

 

I've deleted all our risque photos, have no problem removing pornography from my life and will look into counselling.

[Iunderstand]

He's supporting the family. If he wants to watch porn there are two approaches if you ask me. One .. let him watch porn. I'm sure you're not jumping this guys bones at this point... So it's less work for you. The second approach is you have to sleep with him more.. a lot more. He shouldn't have anything left for porn but apparently he is into porn so he has desire which means it isn't completely drained.. He isn't happy.. He isn't counting the summer clouds when he wakes up from a night of non-stop sex with you.. is he?? You mentioned you are 'repulsed and disgusted' .. you don't think that comes through when he tries to be intimate with you? You probably just endure it at this point. So.. here's a guy paying the bills... being a good dad.. horny as a dog and turning to porn. Either make him feel sexually wanted and go crazy on him or let him watch porn. All these idiots suggesting divorce are bitter lonely women and misery loves company. The lawyers will strip you clean... the kids will get screwed up.. and you'll be out $100,000 or more if you have any money whatsoever.. the lawyers will have it in a few short months. Bring the authorities in?? The stupidest of suggestions. .. say good bye to the kids and hello to foster care.. dept of youth services and countless hours of meetings because they will never leave you alone.

 

And.. look at all the stuff you are writing -- couple trackers ... mobile monitors.. checking every email account he's had for years. You are nuts! Devastated??? I wouldn't want to be with you either.. You are like some weird 60's CIA interrogator. All because you won't face the fact: You don't want to be with him sexually. This poor jerk is working his life away to support the family AND YOU.. You just sit and judge him.. track him.. scan his computers.. try to put spyware on his emails.. and even try to do mobile tracking! STOP!

 

This guy committed to you .. he goes back and forth to work every day.. pays all the bills.. is a 'good dad' and is not satisfied so he turns to porn. Let him have the damned porn or take care of him so he has no desire for porn. Get off of your high horse. It's not his problem.. he's doing what he's supposed to.. doing right by the family. You are the 'poor me' primadonna.

Let me be clear -- you're responsibility is the KIDS. If the dad is watching porn there is one reason -- he is unsatisfied and it's driving him crazy. You thus have to get over yourself and get back into him in a real way -- really wanting him and losing all of this crazy paranoia. BUT.. Instead of facing that fact .. you ruminate on destroying the family? Maybe he's looking for a woman that really desires him.. which is obviously not you at this point. BiPolar?? I would never have guessed.

Take a look in the mirror! Make the father of your children happy for THEIR SAKE. And .. if you do this... things will stabilize and you will end up a lot happier and feel much better about yourself. Your kids will come out much better as a result of the families new found stability. And maybe this poor guy won't take a stroke this year from all the stress, hate, disrespect, and the total lack of love you pile on him every single day. If he really feels that you're such a catch -- there is only one reason: Stockholm syndrome.

[Abject Misery]

He's supporting the family. If he wants to watch porn there are two approaches if you ask me. One .. let him watch porn. I'm sure you're not jumping this guys bones at this point... So it's less work for you. The second approach is you have to sleep with him more.. a lot more. He shouldn't have anything left for porn but apparently he is into porn so he has desire which means it isn't completely drained.. He isn't happy.. He isn't counting the summer clouds when he wakes up from a night of non-stop sex with you.. is he?? You mentioned you are 'repulsed and disgusted' .. you don't think that comes through when he tries to be intimate with you? You probably just endure it at this point. So.. here's a guy paying the bills... being a good dad.. horny as a dog and turning to porn. Either make him feel sexually wanted and go crazy on him or let him watch porn. All these idiots suggesting divorce are bitter lonely women and misery loves company. The lawyers will strip you clean... the kids will get screwed up.. and you'll be out $100,000 or more if you have any money whatsoever.. the lawyers will have it in a few short months. Bring the authorities in?? The stupidest of suggestions. .. say good bye to the kids and hello to foster care.. dept of youth services and countless hours of meetings because they will never leave you alone.

 

And.. look at all the stuff you are writing -- couple trackers ... mobile monitors.. checking every email account he's had for years. You are nuts! Devastated??? I wouldn't want to be with you either.. You are like some weird 60's CIA interrogator. All because you won't face the fact: You don't want to be with him sexually. This poor jerk is working his life away to support the family AND YOU.. You just sit and judge him.. track him.. scan his computers.. try to put spyware on his emails.. and even try to do mobile tracking! STOP!

 

This guy committed to you .. he goes back and forth to work every day.. pays all the bills.. is a 'good dad' and is not satisfied so he turns to porn. Let him have the damned porn or take care of him so he has no desire for porn. Get off of your high horse. It's not his problem.. he's doing what he's supposed to.. doing right by the family. You are the 'poor me' primadonna.

Let me be clear -- you're responsibility is the KIDS. If the dad is watching porn there is one reason -- he is unsatisfied and it's driving him crazy. You thus have to get over yourself and get back into him in a real way -- really wanting him and losing all of this crazy paranoia. BUT.. Instead of facing that fact .. you ruminate on destroying the family? Maybe he's looking for a woman that really desires him.. which is obviously not you at this point. BiPolar?? I would never have guessed.

Take a look in the mirror! Make the father of your children happy for THEIR SAKE. And .. if you do this... things will stabilize and you will end up a lot happier and feel much better about yourself. Your kids will come out much better as a result of the families new found stability. And maybe this poor guy won't take a stroke this year from all the stress, hate, disrespect, and the total lack of love you pile on him every single day. If he really feels that you're such a catch -- there is only one reason: Stockholm syndrome.

 

Thank you for your comment. First time I've felt anything other than sadness in a while. We both work full-time to support the family, I'm just on maternity leave right now. We have access to each other's information. He had a secret email account which had the XHamster, Ashley Madison, and Craigslist info. He was the one that recommended both the mobile app and contract. Our sex life have always been great, according to him and during the last year it actually increased exponentially due to pregnancy hormones but I see what you're saying regarding exhausting him to the point that he's got no room for anything else. I love him to pieces, there was no hate or disrespect. Now it's different story. Repulsed and disgusted also just happened recently after what I found out.

 

Are you speaking from experience? Have you joined any of these accounts for the purpose of pornography only? Or have been in the same situation?

[RainyCoast]

he is way beyond porn, his illness will cause the children massive problems if not successfully treated, he is a remorseless liar. i am stunned at the above response because he has gone over and beyond to jeopardize the family. he makes money?? really??? oh that's okay then?!

 

you'll be skimming him half plus child support if you end up divorced, plus will be back on the job market soon. please, don't let this "poor hardworking man" joke taint your brain.

He's since offered that we can do a contract with the following provisions

he doesn't get to set the provisions. tell him a lawyer will set everything.

 

treat this seriously.

 

tell him if he is to treat his condition, you expect a psychiatric evaluation will be done. then, if shrink says so, he can take counseling. first, shrink.

set a deadline. all accounts are to be deleted by sunday morning, an appointment with his md for psychiatric referral is to be made first thing monday morning. else you will start making other kind of appointments and he can start planning his single life openly.

 

see a lawyer alone first and tell him everything.

[Salty]

I'm so very sorry you are going through this, especially with a new baby; I'm genuinely upset for you and I empathize on such a personal level because I just had a baby and I can't imagine the hell you are going through. I wish I could get my hands on your husband and just wring his neck. I am pretty open minded about porn but he is a deviant with no self control or respect. Please take care of yourself and know you are precious and powerful. Don't let his weakness become your hell.

[Salty]

He's supporting the family. If he wants to watch porn there are two approaches if you ask me. One .. let him watch porn. I'm sure you're not jumping this guys bones at this point... So it's less work for you. The second approach is you have to sleep with him more.. a lot more. He shouldn't have anything left for porn but apparently he is into porn so he has desire which means it isn't completely drained.. He isn't happy.. He isn't counting the summer clouds when he wakes up from a night of non-stop sex with you.. is he?? You mentioned you are 'repulsed and disgusted' .. you don't think that comes through when he tries to be intimate with you? You probably just endure it at this point. So.. here's a guy paying the bills... being a good dad.. horny as a dog and turning to porn. Either make him feel sexually wanted and go crazy on him or let him watch porn. All these idiots suggesting divorce are bitter lonely women and misery loves company. The lawyers will strip you clean... the kids will get screwed up.. and you'll be out $100,000 or more if you have any money whatsoever.. the lawyers will have it in a few short months. Bring the authorities in?? The stupidest of suggestions. .. say good bye to the kids and hello to foster care.. dept of youth services and countless hours of meetings because they will never leave you alone.

 

And.. look at all the stuff you are writing -- couple trackers ... mobile monitors.. checking every email account he's had for years. You are nuts! Devastated??? I wouldn't want to be with you either.. You are like some weird 60's CIA interrogator. All because you won't face the fact: You don't want to be with him sexually. This poor jerk is working his life away to support the family AND YOU.. You just sit and judge him.. track him.. scan his computers.. try to put spyware on his emails.. and even try to do mobile tracking! STOP!

 

This guy committed to you .. he goes back and forth to work every day.. pays all the bills.. is a 'good dad' and is not satisfied so he turns to porn. Let him have the damned porn or take care of him so he has no desire for porn. Get off of your high horse. It's not his problem.. he's doing what he's supposed to.. doing right by the family. You are the 'poor me' primadonna.

Let me be clear -- you're responsibility is the KIDS. If the dad is watching porn there is one reason -- he is unsatisfied and it's driving him crazy. You thus have to get over yourself and get back into him in a real way -- really wanting him and losing all of this crazy paranoia. BUT.. Instead of facing that fact .. you ruminate on destroying the family? Maybe he's looking for a woman that really desires him.. which is obviously not you at this point. BiPolar?? I would never have guessed.

Take a look in the mirror! Make the father of your children happy for THEIR SAKE. And .. if you do this... things will stabilize and you will end up a lot happier and feel much better about yourself. Your kids will come out much better as a result of the families new found stability. And maybe this poor guy won't take a stroke this year from all the stress, hate, disrespect, and the total lack of love you pile on him every single day. If he really feels that you're such a catch -- there is only one reason: Stockholm syndrome.

 

Dude, are you insane? I watch porn daily and this guy's actions still disgust me. He needs help and evidently you do too. You seem to have some baggage clouding your sense.

[Abject Misery]

I'm so very sorry you are going through this, especially with a new baby; I'm genuinely upset for you and I empathize on such a personal level because I just had a baby and I can't imagine the hell you are going through. I wish I could get my hands on your husband and just wring his neck. I am pretty open minded about porn but he is a deviant with no self control or respect. Please take care of yourself and know you are precious and powerful. Don't let his weakness become your hell.

 

Thank you so much.

[Abject Misery]

he is way beyond porn, his illness will cause the children massive problems if not successfully treated, he is a remorseless liar. i am stunned at the above response because he has gone over and beyond to jeopardize the family. he makes money?? really??? oh that's okay then?!

 

you'll be skimming him half plus child support if you end up divorced, plus will be back on the job market soon. please, don't let this "poor hardworking man" joke taint your brain.

 

It hasn't. I was defensive and indignant but that passed. I'm still in a haze. I'm desperate and open to all opinions.

 

He has a schedule with his primary physician this Friday and will ask for a referral for a psychiatrist. He knows I will be seeking counsel and is also receptive to marriage counseling.

 

He said he no longer has any other accounts that I am not aware of but I don't really have a way of verifying.

[SherrySher]

He is a liar, that's one thing you know for sure and that alone is a deal breaker for many many marriages. All of those accounts should not exist, but the ones in particular that you're speaking of, they are for hook ups, not porn. You've seen emails for yourself that shows him trying to contact other women for sex and he searched out a woman he saw while he was out, he IS disgusting.

Disrespectful doesn't even convey how terrible this man has been to you.

He doesn't deserve you or your children, he has betrayed all of you.

I hope you can find yourself again and find your strength and get away from him before he does further damage to you and to your children. You don't deserve this and neither do they.

[RainyCoast]

He has a schedule with his primary physician this Friday and will ask for a referral for a psychiatrist. He knows I will be seeking counsel and is also receptive to marriage counseling.

okay, that's great! you'll see how things go from there.

 

also once he's in counseling, be careful. he might just go along with it so that he can claim he is "trying" or "working on it", while actually just continuing in his own way outside the sessions. i would ask the counselor about regaining trust, the normalcy of not trusting for a while, and how to cope with that. i would also ask how to cope with a new found side of him, since his behavior seems to stem from characterological problems and not an addiction.

 

let us know how it goes.

 

how has his behavior been since you first posted?

[Abject Misery]

also once he's in counseling, be careful. he might just go along with it so that he can claim he is "trying" or "working on it", while actually just continuing in his own way outside the sessions.....

 

how has his behavior been since you first posted?

 

He's remorseful and ashamed. He's aware that he has a problem and is willing to correct them.

 

I've given him a year. No more secrets or lies and with psychiatric and legal counselling. We're also currently on the wait list for childcare for our youngest and he's scheduled to take time off for baby bonding when I return to work in May. We'll see where we go from here.

 

Right now I feel like I'm in a haze just going through the motions.

[Abject Misery]

He is a liar, that's one thing you know for sure and that alone is a deal breaker for many many marriages. All of those accounts should not exist, but the ones in particular that you're speaking of, they are for hook ups, not porn. You've seen emails for yourself that shows him trying to contact other women for sex and he searched out a woman he saw while he was out, he IS disgusting.

Disrespectful doesn't even convey how terrible this man has been to you.

He doesn't deserve you or your children, he has betrayed all of you.

I hope you can find yourself again and find your strength and get away from him before he does further damage to you and to your children. You don't deserve this and neither do they.

 

Liar is an understatement I know I can't decide everything right now. Maybe someday I'll have it in me to walk away.

[Abject Misery]

He is a liar, that's one thing you know for sure and that alone is a deal breaker for many many marriages. All of those accounts should not exist, but the ones in particular that you're speaking of, they are for hook ups, not porn. You've seen emails for yourself that shows him trying to contact other women for sex and he searched out a woman he saw while he was out, he IS disgusting.

Disrespectful doesn't even convey how terrible this man has been to you.

He doesn't deserve you or your children, he has betrayed all of you.

I hope you can find yourself again and find your strength and get away from him before he does further damage to you and to your children. You don't deserve this and neither do they.

 

Liar is an understatement I know I can't decide everything right now. Maybe someday I'll have it in me to walk away. I'll give him, us, a year.