My husband and the Porn

[snow]

My husband and I have been married for one year almost exactly. A few months ago he told me he was addicted to porn. I was totally shocked, we had talked about it before, and he said he wasn't interested in that stuff. He said he promised and I believed him. I have had some terrible experiences in the past with my ex-boyfriend and porn, so I am really sensitive about it. I am so angry, not because he has a sexual drive and just wanted some stimulation, but because he lied. He says he was bored and depressed, and that there was no sexual interest in it, he just couldn't help himself. Well that may be, but I still think there is more to it then just depression. I feel like I am not good enough, fat, ugly, and am am so pissed at him now. He gets furious when I ask him questions about it, and I know he's embarrassed so I'm trying to be uderstanding, but I don't understand. What am I supposed to do? Our sex life is very active and he seems very happy, really, we seem happy all around in a very realistic way. I have to add that I really believe it is o.k. to be mad, that as a women I have a right to expect certain things in a relationship, to be respected. That's the crux of the problem, I don't feel respected. Can anyone shed some light on all this for me?

[hopeful_heart]

Snow,

 

I don't profess to be a male expert, you'll see that from my posts! But I've been where you are and I think what it ultimately comes down to is some men have a huge sex drive and are stimulated by some things that they think we will bawk at or that we will think is too strange. They turn to porn to either satisfy a sex appetite that exceeds what we can give them or tosatisfy their cravings for these things they feel we would think are "odd." My take on it, from the outside, is he lied because he was ashamed, worried about what you would think of him and that he hasn't or won't stop because of the reasons I stated above. He may have been so afraid of telling you the truth for fear of what you would think of him. I truly don't think you should feel its you in the least, especially with you saying that you have a healthy sex life. Why not offer to watch them with him or buy a tape that you would be interested in and surprise him by asking him to watch it with you. I'd turn this into a positive thing by letting it spice up your sex life and he'll see that your reaction to this was okay and the next time, he'll be more apt to share with you instead of lying. I guess above all, I'd be glad he uses porn instead of real life scenarios.

 

 

Best of luck to you!

 

Melissa

[kinatra]

First of all, I think you shouldn't scold your husband for coming to you with the truth....that's just really upsets me! I mean you are setting yourself up for him not telling you something in the future.... Hey so he said he wasn't interested in the stuff, but then he changed his mind or went though a thing. Have you every said you didn't like something and then several months later changed your mind? I think the same goes for him. I think he knows that it's not something he is proud of but that he does have an attraction to it. I don't think it has anything to do with the way you look. I am sorry to say it but porn is usually naked beautiful women and men, as the chemistry would have it, are attracked and eroused by it. I don't know what to say except that you should maybe appreciate and thank your husband for coming forward and then explore and ask him why he likes it? Maybe you could show an interest in some soft porn....I don't know....I am probably way off on this one....

 

[snow]

I really appreciate the response, I haven't talked about this to anyone. When he told me about looking at Porn, I like to think that I handled it pretty well. I realize people make mistakes, we have to in order to learn. My husband has OCD, he has a tendency to cling onto things for his emotions, and it's really difficult to be patient. We actually went to counciling about all this, he goes anyways to deal with his OCD. I recommend this to anyone who feels angry or hurt by porn like in this situation. It can't hurt, and it can help to understand things a little more. But my issue isn't that he looked at naked girls, it's that he lied numerous times and we just go married for crying out loud. It worries me that this is just the beginning and I can't trust him. I just don't know how to deal with this. I've been really gentle with him, trying to understand. But like I said I just don't.

[bananajuice]

I am a married man and I tell you why I look at porn. I want variety of women and more. If your boyfriend is watching porn and no matter how much sex drive he may have, this man of yours wants more! Time to bring in a girlfriend and you will see how excited he is with your girlfriend. This has nothing to do with you. Just he is not satisfied in sex no matter what you do. I have a suggestion for you though, maybe you should join in and watch with him so you know what he likes to watch and what really is in his mind. Like I said, there is nothing wrong with you. Just men have sex drives and want varieties.

[Katelyn55655]

Snow, I think you had more to say but didn't. I'm not involved with your marriage but I thought you might find the following useful:

 

1. When I was 20 I was completely offended by porn and was very upset whenever I found out a guy was into it. I took his interest personally and took it as a sign that I didn't 'measure up.' Now that I'm older I have developed an appreciation for porn and the purpose it serves in our society. It turns me on now too. Obviously you turn your husband on and you have great sex together. This means that you are attractive and desireable to him. Some people (men and women) also enjoy other forms of stimulation and it isn't bad or something to be embarrassed about. He's not doing it to hurt you, he's doing it because he likes it.

 

2. So...you just got married, thereforeeeeee, your new husband should be totally honest at all times? Does this mean if you had been married for 10 years lying would be OK?! Sorry, I just had to say that . In your case you didn't mention anything else that he has lied about. If this is the worst is gets, thank your lucky stars you have such a great guy. Good marriages contain elements of mystery...as long as you feel he basically is a trust-worthy guy then relax and understand that there are some parts of him that he might prefer to keep to himself. He has that right and so do you. If he chooses to keep quiet about some things, that doesn't make him a liar. Maybe he wanted to protect you. Maybe he just wasn't ready for that discussion (especially since he could tell you don't like porn). Either way, it appears his lying wasn't done to hurt you so I would suggest letting it go and focus on having a happy and open union.

 

If he starts lying about things in general...then there might be a problem.

[kinatra]

Sorry not familiar with the term OCD, could you explain it?

 

Hey I don't know what to say. I am a straight up kinda guy but I do enjoy looking at naked women (boy this sounds bad). But seriously, I won't go to a strip joint or hire a prostitute or go off the sexual pier. I know we are men, but boys are boys. I also think that it is man's human nature to want to, as the male animals do, to further his seed. Perhaps looking at porn has become the acceptable and safe way of channeling those animalistic instincts.....again I am going on a limb here.

 

Alright I just re-read your orginial e-mail and for you it's about respect and, not to be hurtful, your own self-esteem. You talked about feeling ugly and fat, are you? I don't mean it the way it sounds....I guess what I am trying to say is his facination with porn I think is a separate issue. I think maybe you aren't happy with you body and that this could be hitting a sore spot...again I may be on a limb. The thing is, who is happy with their body? I never am to be honest and I am guy...but that's life and we have to be happy with what we are.

 

The only problems I see with his porn use are if it effects your relationship (e.g. he is less sexually interested in you, he decides to stay home to look at porn instead of going out, he spends too much time looking at it.) Maybe this stuff is happening now, I am not sure. Ask him if he thinks this "addiction" goes up and down or if it never stops? Will his addiction lead to other things.... I don't want to get you scared or anything. Perhpas the thing for you to do is put the computer....is it a computer we are talking about? If it is the computer, put it somewhere in the house that is public or think about getting rid of the computer all together? If you have an alcholic, leaving beers in the fridge ain't going to help him. Seriously, there are also sex additiction groups that he can go to as Pres. Clinton did.

 

Try to talk to him....I just don't think you should think that he disrespected you because that is definitely not it.

 

I don't know what else to say except good luck no matter what!

[Getting On With It]

Snow,

 

I can probably offer you some insight into a (generic) man's head, though whether for good or bad, you'll have to decide for yourself... at least it will indicate that there are several reasons for a chap in a healthy relationship to be in to porn, and some of them can be positive.

 

The best reason would be because the two of you were using it as a prop for sex: many men are lacking confidence in themselves, and pick up ideas from sexual material. If he's really addicted, then your safest route for dealing with this is to move it into the bedroom, get him to include you, and then, even if you are not entirely happy with the subject, it will basically be a positive influence (especially if he's critical of the models!).

 

Another reason is curiosity. The origin of the true addict! A lot of men are seriously curious about what's out there, and can't resist what seems like a victimless route to satisfying that curiosity. It's not comparative -- this is a weird hobby, like train spotting! So, with an adict, it is literally nothing to do with you or your sex life. It normally gets pretty hard-core, unchecked, so if this is it, be warned. If you are sorting this out per above, then you'll have the advantage of having an input to the material he pursues, and helping him get through it. And your help and understanding is important here: this sort of curiosity won't ever be adequately satisfied, so he'll either be fighting and controlling it on your behalf, or kicking himself and guilt-tripping every time he slips up, unless you can provide (you'll hate this) positive support for him. Affirming the good news -- it's not about you!

 

There is a more worrying possibility too. If the relationship is not sexually fulfilling, either through the quality of the sex itself, or (more likely) the frequency, he could be using it as a tool to avoid pestering you. This would suggest your views of sex to be a consensual act of love-making, which would place the onus on the person with the greater sex drive to avoid pressuring their partner... so, if he's frustrated, maybe porn offers him a route out.

 

Then again, it might be as bananajuice suggests, or worse, it might be you. I'd like to suggest it is not -- because you implied that until you discovered the porn, you'd no reason to feel there was a problem, but there's even a positive to be found in here, if scant. Should your worst fear prove true, and he doesn't see you as the most sexually attractive person in the world, consider this: one day, you'll be 60. Want to bet you are the most sexually alluring person in the world then? No, of course not. Want to place odds that he still finds you attractive, loves you to distraction, and wants to see out the remainder of his days with you? Just about as good as any marriage founded on understanding and friendship, I reckon.

 

Priority? Deal with the honesty thing, then worry about him making you feel good: and be honest with him about that. Tell him flat how the porn makes you feel as a sexual person, and let him know that it is his responsibility to make you feel good about yourself. If he can do that, then the porn becomes an irritation, and is not the real issue!

 

I wish you luck.

[NNIgelb1]

men get bored easily in the sex department , even with porn videos like when i used to buy a video it would be only good for about 3 days stimulation wise, just be very thankful hes not cheating on you, porn has probably saved you from that, and i think you should try to see the larger picture as far as your relationship goes, i think the porn is no big deal. just leave him alone. heres some suggestions: get a tattoo on your lower back, dress in high heals and dress real sexy try to compete with the porn, and one important thing from a guy, try to see what these girls look like in the movies and try to get looking like them in the bedroom , for instance if they have big butts and yours is small start gaining weight etc, i just said that because i like big butts,

[bananajuice]

Hey, hey, hey, get on with it. I didn't say it was Snow's fault okay? Man! I thought I made that clear for her already.

Snow, this is not your fault. Men just love to watch "porno". Whoever tells you that he doesn't is either lying to you or there is something wrong with him. When a man looks at porn, he sees a beautiful piece of art - a woman's body. All these doing it from front, or from back, or from up, or from down, or from left, or from right, or from whatever b.s. they put on the screen is only to get men pay them money to see more. And I might add, there are quite of few men actually pay to see more. I don't know why they would. They are all the same anyway. With their mouths open kind of deal.

I think you should join in and watch with him. Find out what is it in the deep of his mind. Anything that he might like to do. Or anything. By blocking him out will only give him a guilty conscious and soon he would start to resent you for it. And if the worst happens, you two may depart over such a small matter like this.

You know now I think of it, this watching porno thing is actually women's fault. Don't you agree? You wear those tight t-shirts. You wear those tight-butts jeans. You show your legs by wearing short skirts. And you wear that low cut piece of cloth. Why do you do that? 'Cause you know men like that. Looking at a piece of art - A Woman's Body.