Not sure what's up with the Ex

[Guitarguy_82]

Ex and I broke up in August after I caught her in a lie and found out she was cheating. Went NC for a while but we'd stay in touch here and there. A few months pass and she started talking to me more and more after I had initially told her we needed some time apart but ultimately decided it would be ok to reopen the door to being friends.

 

*Background*: I'm 34 she's 24. Initially we had dated for about 2.5 years and had some good and bad times. I made mistakes (she caught me talking to other girls) and she did as well (I caught her talking to other guys). She was always head over heels for me and I have always been more on the reserved side. I don't find her all that attractive. She was just "cute" and not someone I would have said "yes, I want to be with you and have offspring with you". However, her personality, and intelligence are what really captivated me and we instantly clicked and our relationship grew from there.

 

Back to today, now we have a routine where we see each other almost every weekend, have sleep overs, and she uses her old pet name for me though I do not use hers for her. She basically has told me that if we did get back together she would want it to be a situation where we end up getting married because, in her mind, we already dated for a while.

 

The problem I'm having is that I notice that, when we are not together, she's really distant and the language she uses to talk with me via text becomes very vague and doesn't have a lot of substance. This was not the case in the past. I know that she talks like that when she's feeling like she has something better on the side perhaps that I'm unaware of because I've caught her in this situation before. She has admitted to me that she talks to other guys...(which should be no surprise since I caught her in a lie after she cheated...) and I don't know if she's still doing it or not.

 

So on the weekends things seem fine, we are together, laughing, usually having a great time, sleep in the same bed, kiss, say "I love you", and then she goes home on Sunday to get ready for the next week, do laundry, do homework for grad school, etc. Rinse and repeat and its been going on for the last month or two.

 

This last weekend I had to work both days so I was pretty bummed about that and it cut into the time that she and I spend together. She was here while I was working both days (I work from home) but she left Sunday around mid-afternoon which was way earlier than usual. Usually she leaves in the late evening. She told me she had a lot of reading to do for school and needed to catch up. This is fine since I know shes working through grad school, however it surprises me when we go from constant contact all the time and then what happened Sunday. She text me when she gets home (about 40 mins from my place) and then nothing. The rest of the day I don't hear from her at all.

 

About 8 hours later I get a goodnight text and its vague, distant, and seems to be more of a "thing we do out of habit" rather than something she really meant. Instantly I could tell she was probably being distant because she didn't want to tell me whats going on. She's the type of person that will usually text me and tell me almost everything that's going on, where she is, what she's doing, and who with....EXCEPT when I know she's out doing something that she doesn't want me to know about. Then its silence, vague statements, or some irrelevant picture to try to distract me from the main dialogue we were trying to have.

 

So, to sum things up, I'm in a situation with an ex where we both agreed we don't want a relationship right now, yet spend time together on the weekends, text back and forth almost everyday, and now I notice she's more and more distant and has been less and less open to talking about what is going on in the rest of her life outside of when we are together for a day or two each week. Almost a "don't ask don't tell" scenario...

 

I realize this is not a beneficial situation. On one hand, I want to go NC or at least maybe LC with her and have it just be final if she's going to be the type of girl that wants to just date anyone at anytime and then come to me on the weekends for comfort and good times. I mean, I wouldn't mind dating other girls and seeing what's out there, even though I'm not close to being ready to date again. When do I get to go live my life and discover what's best for me?

I ask that question in sarcasm, knowing that I have every right to do what I want to do for my happiness and what's best for me, however I feel like she's constantly hovering over my head and wants to marry me ASAP because that's what would be nice for her. (One day a few weeks ago while we were having a discussion about what's going on in our lives I expressed frustration with our situation and she half jokingly asked if she was "life-raping" me...that was an eerily accurate description....)

 

She is big in the kink scene and is big into poly relationships. This was a big problem for me at the beginning...and is something that she stopped doing because I asked her not to with me. My whole point was that I was not interested in sharing my gf with anyone. When we broke up, she immediately got back into the scene and fell into her old group of "friends". Needless to say, they are all in poly relationships as well. What's frustrating is that while I am open to the idea of that type of relationship in general, I never expressly consented to being unwittingly involved in whatever this current situation is with her and I and whatever else she's doing with any number of other people.

 

She has told me its ok for me to date and talk to other people, not that I need her permission. I went on 1 or 2 dates with a girl about a month after me and the Ex initially broke up in August, but that's it. Haven't even had sex with anyone else. I might talk to another girl here or there via online chat but nothing has materialized out of that, not even any new dates. Certainly nothing physical.

 

On one hand the Ex is a great girl and I've wrestled a long time with the question if she's the one or not and if I truly love her. I can envision a scenario where we live our lives together and are great mates. She supports me and I've supported her and we've both been there for each other in tough times. Maybe we are just good friends who have gotten comfortable with each other. She even snarked the other day that she thinks I view her as a sister.

 

To be fair, she is regularly trying to engage in sex with me, or other sexual activities, and 9 times out of 10 I reject her. When she's here and we have little time together, I usually prefer to go out, get some good food/drinks, go see a movie, show, game, whatever, however we usually never do anything sexual. We had sex once around October when she was really coming on hot and heavy telling me that she wanted me. That's about it. I don't know what else to blame it on other than I just don't find her that attractive. I realize that this is a large problem in and of itself.

 

So while its easy for me to imagine all these things in my head whether or not she's talking to someone and actually engaging in a physical relationship with someone, I really have no proof. I told her that I will not be someone on the back burner for her just because she wants to live a poly lifestyle.

 

On the other hand, I can see where that lifestyle would be interesting and perhaps even beneficial for me but only in the context where both me and my partner make those decisions TOGETHER and agree to everything good/bad/indifferent that could come of it.

 

I feel like I got signed up for her poly relationship and she holds the whole "yeah but I'm ready to marry you and have kids with you right now" aura over my head all the time while she's with me. She can go out and date and talk to whoever she wants, yet if my feelings get hurt I'm just supposed to be OK with it because she's poly? Since we aren't "dating" it seems like she gets to get away with this with no repercussions (unless I just go hard NC, which I don't necessarily think I want either).

 

I brought all this up to her about a month or so ago, and told her how I feel about the situation. I remember I told her that its a pretty hard pill to swallow where she comes to my place on the weekend, has a great time, and yet outside of all that she involved in kink, other poly "friends" and their relationships, and whatever else she's doing in her personal free time with other people. She acknowledged it, and we both discussed the fact that we don't want to be in a relationship right now, and yet at the same time want to be "friends". This would be complicated enough in any normal context, but throw poly and kink into it and it just becomes a mess. Needless to say, the issue remains and is just as confusing for me today.

 

I'm stressed out, feel lost, feel low, and don't know how to deal with this situation anymore aside from going bombastic and asking her questions that I'm almost certain I don't want the answers to.

 

I'm thinking of talking to her later today or during the week when I've had some time to think more about this and maybe get some input from you all. I want to be cool-headed and not step on my toes about this. I care for this girl and while she's 10 years younger than me, I feel like she and I could create a life together.

 

The part where we aren't having sex is a problem. When she's not here, I find myself more often than not thinking about other women or finding solutions online for my distraction. Again, I realize this is an issue. I have been to a counselor and he's brought up the possibility that I have an online sex addiction, which I've contemplated could be a rather large issue behind all of this (In that if I wasn't going online for my distraction, I would be happy enough with the person I'm "with" in this case, the Ex, and that she would be "enough" for me. I realize I'm boiling this down a lot, but please bear with me for the sake of the general issue I'm bringing up).

 

I know she wants me, (she's constantly complimenting my appearance which gets annoying when I'm feeling depressed or having a stressful day and all she wants to do is tell me how I look) however why should I be so willing to give in to her when I also know she's involved with the kink community, getting instant gratification and attention from who knows how many people online, and then coming to me when she wants to feel "safe" and basically live out BF/GF relationship without the label?? And then communicate with me the other 5 days of the week like I'm just "another guy" for her to text with and treat like I'm just supposed to be fine and happy with everything and be bright and cheery and sunny when she wants to hang out the next weekend at her convenience

 

I realize I'm going in circles with a lot of this, and I'm sorry for rambling, but I don't know what other tools I can use in my psychological tool belt to deal with this.

 

If anyone is familiar with a poly relationship, please let me know your thoughts on all this and where I may be missing some cues from her or anything else I may be missing. I am interested in a poly relationship but if and only if I am on board with it from the beginning, on my terms, and with people I trust or want to be involved with...not grafted into it on the side from my kink-lifestyle ex just because she's comfortable with it and tells me "I can date anyone I want".

 

Ideally I can see a scenario where I get to be single, focus on myself, and put myself in a situation where I can feel confident dating again and hopefully get married. On the other hand, the Ex provides me with some compelling evidence that she could be a great partner, however the red flags keep popping up and her immature behavior tells me that there may be more that she's keeping from me.

[Ms Darcy]

From what I am reading, I think that you know deep down that she's not the right person for you but you are attached and not yet willing/ready to end contact.

 

So you have put yourself in limbo.

 

To get out of limbo, you have to make a decision. Together (and all that comes with it) or single. It's that simple methinks.

[rosephase]

I'm non-monogamous, I'm not the biggest fan of the term "poly" but it's an accurate label.

 

I think the biggest issue is you don't really want a romantic/sexual relationship with her. You aren't attracted to her. Her life style choices freak you out (even while they intrigue you). It sounds like you like the attention and companionship... which isn't horrible ground to build a relationship on, if it's poly and you both are getting your other needs met with other partners... if it's monogamous? That sounds like a really limited relationship.

 

So what do you want? Do you want to get married and have a open relationship with this person you like and care about but aren't very sexually attracted to? Because it doesn't sound like what you want. You are jealous over her sexual attention even though you don't want it. Mostly? It looks like you are hurting yourself and stringing out a relationship you don't want because you don't want to be alone and you don't want to hurt someone you care for. But the nicest thing you can do for her and yourself is give yourselves space to heal and find more compatible partners.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like after you broke up you are both ok with fwb. However is it hindering you from finding someone to have kids with long term?

[Guitarguy_82]

To get out of limbo, you have to make a decision. Together (and all that comes with it) or single. It's that simple methinks.

Agreed. Thank you for boiling it down like that.

 

I'm non-monogamous, I'm not the biggest fan of the term "poly" but it's an accurate label.

Sorry about that! I'm still new to the concept in general and thought it was the best label to describe it for now. I agree, non-monogamy is probably a better way to describe the scenario.

 

So what do you want? Do you want to get married and have a open relationship with this person you like and care about but aren't very sexually attracted to?

No, I don't want that. Let me ask this though on top of that...as its something I've been going back and forth on for a while...How much does attraction really matter in the grand scheme? We always hear the phrase "beauty fades"...and while I am aware that people age, shouldn't I want to be with someone that I, am attracted to? I'm trying to not make it sound vain, because I don't think I'm anything special, but at what point does one say: "Ok, you are my type, and I want you, you want me, and we are compatible", or "Ok, you aren't really my type, and you have the hots for me, but you have a lot of other things to offer, and I'm willing to sacrifice sexual happiness for what I perceive to be a decent relationship". As a guy, its easy to say, "oh, I just want someone I'm attracted to" , (even though I want much more than just looks) and yes, I do want to be satisfied with my partner, but when she offers other things on a non-physical level that, to me, are just flat out better than other people I come across, it makes me wonder what values I'm really trying to stick to.

 

I realize sex is important. I want to have a healthy sexual life. Once that has been established, then I would like to think that me and my partner could be open to non-monogamy, or some form of it, only if we both agree that that's the direction we want to go and are already strong in our relationship.

 

A female friend once told me: "The dirty little secret is that we need to satisfy the brain, the eyes, and then we can keep the heart up to speed once those 2 are satisfied. That's what keeps the heart going."

 

Another female friend once said that she thinks attractiveness is important to a degree. You should want your partner.

 

I wonder how much of that holds true. And this is one of the first things I talked to my counselor about. His answer was that I needed to explore the shame that I feel for wanting someone more attractive and how its holding me back from expressing how I really feel. Maybe I need to pay him another visit.

 

It sounds like after you broke up you are both ok with fwb. However is it hindering you from finding someone to have kids with long term?

In the current context of where me and the ex are at, yes its a hindrance. Unless I tell her I'm going to start dating for fun, to see where things go, and we both agree that we just want to date other people yet still somehow stay friends, and we are both on the same page about who we are with. But then I don't think we could both keep that up. I think feelings and jealousy would get in the way quickly. While I'm open to the idea of non-monogamy, I'm not sure I want to dive head first into it, and with an ex, no less.

 

Also, a question for rosephase if I may: How did you know that non-monogamy was right for you? How did you continue to make it work? What were the challenges you faced?

 

Just asking out of curiosity.

 

Thanks for the replies thus far

[rosephase]

 

Also, a question for rosephase if I may: How did you know that non-monogamy was right for you? How did you continue to make it work? What were the challenges you faced?

 

Just asking out of curiosity.

 

 

I just knew. The moment I ran into the idea I knew it was what I wanted. (also it's perfectly okay to call people poly... I just don't like the term, some people really do... it just seems tacky to me) But knowing it was right for me didn't mean it was easy to step away from monogamous thinking. I was worried and jealous and had to do a lot of personal work. I've been with one partner for 11 years, one partner for 6 years and I've been dating someone for about a year and a half. I lived in a triad with two of my partners for six years. It's only become easier for me with time. There have been a lot of challenges but I think that would be true of monogamous relationships as well. We've dealt with two rounds of grad school, moving, tons of money struggles, new partners, bad communication, sick parents, dead pets, a blown up car... you know... life. I've really found that having multiple committed long term connected relationships has helped me get through all the garbage. It's helped me accept my own responsibility for my own happiness and really deconstruct ownership in relationships.

 

A question for you: Is your ex okay with being sexually rejected 9 times out of 10 if she isn't having sex or play elsewhere?

[Guitarguy_82]

Thanks for being open (lol) about it. It helps to have some perspective with this as I don't know much about these types of things. That's one of the things about the ex that frustrates me as well...she has many many connections in the kink world, and has a lot more experience in how to navigate it. She has the upper hand so to speak. I imagine for her its rather easy to deal with. This is all rather fresh for me.

 

I agree we should be responsible for our own happiness. Its something I've been trying to figure out on my own when I do actually have some alone time and can tune out the world. The whole question of "what do I want" is something that is still eluding me. Ownership is difficult to overcome especially when I don't know when she's being honest with me or when she's lying. Not that I'm trying to "own" her, but at what point is it ok to just lie and keep your partner totally in the dark? What level of "I'm OK with this treatment" is acceptable?

 

As for your question, I already know she's frustrated. This is not a new topic for us. Our sex life was not that great when we were dating to begin with aside from when we first started dating. She is always asking me to do things to her, and while I like the idea of it sometimes, and we sometimes engage in a few activities, the way she approaches me sometimes just becomes annoying and turns me off. I can imagine it would be the same way if it was someone I'm attracted to and was just not "in the mood".

 

As for the part if she's having sex or play, well that's what I don't know. Aside from me catching her lying about cheating, I don't know what else she's gotten involved with.

 

But non-monogamous or not, isn't it an issue when she tells me how much she loves me, wants me, etc, and then less than 24 hours later (most likely) has someone else on speed dial to satisfy her? If we were being non-monogamous with each other, and both agreed to it, then fine. Then that would have been the situation we agreed to. But I never agreed to that. I'm not out there having sex with other women, and then telling the ex how much I love her and need her when its convenient for me. It's been less than 6 months since she cheated, and yet it all went really fast with her telling me she wants to give it another go, then agreeing we both aren't ready, and yet trying to stay in this weird situation. I still have trust issues with her.

 

She's the type where if I ask her a direct question, she will tell me, but if something slips under the rug and I don't ask her, then it all goes up in thin air and nothing gets done about it. Like I was saying earlier, I know her language when she's being genuine and when she's avoiding being specific because she knows I won't want to hear what it is.

 

So its like what wiseman2 said earlier. We are fwb essentially, and yet I'm not getting a whole lot of benefit, aside from the comfy friend part on the weekends. I don't feel like my wants or needs are being met. It all feels like when we were dating, yet the label isn't there, but unless I specifically ask her every day what she's up to, its just a mystery and I'm supposed to just go along with it, AND ALSO be there for her when she needs me, irregardless of whoever else she's with/getting comfort from.

 

So do I do the same thing? Do I start dating and just not tell her? How would that make things better?

 

She and I both agreed to be open and honest with each other if this was ever going to work, and I feel like she's just doing whatever suits her first, yet also wants me to be ready to enter into a serious long-term relationship when we "are both ready"..........