Numerous short-term Relationships- Unhealthy?

[SooSad33]

I am wondering if anyone has done this or familiar with it?

 

I've been involved a few times over the last 4+ years... and this year came across someone on a date site and they've been off and on throughout the year.

Seems about every couple of months.

 

I was amongst the many encounters with them and have noticed a trend with them. ( probably on # 5 or 6 now).. wow!

 

I read something about this.. saying it can 'wear you thin', having so many short term relations.

 

I will admit, a year ago, I saw maybe 3 through the year and I wasn't in my right mind

 

This year was 2 and both short term. I am not rushing into anything because I don't 'feel that need' and have been fine on my own. Getting comfortable with myself and accepting the fact I don't 'need' to be involved at this time in my life.

 

Need to slow down.. take it easy and that's okay.

 

So, just curious, on whether anyone else is familiar with this, has been there themselves?

[j.man]

Well, from about ages 22 through 27, my relationships were pretty much exclusively short-term. Mostly by design, sometimes not. I don't think there's any intrinsic harm that comes with it so long as you know your emotional limitations, aren't dating out of some sense of duty rather than enjoyment, and know when to take a break and enjoy being single.

[rosephase]

Dating a lot of people can wear you out. But it doesn't damage you. I think internet dating leads to lots of short term relationships. You don't know the person you just started seeing. It can take awhile to find the ways that you don't match. When you date someone you've known for awhile in real life you often have a much clearer picture of what they are like before you start dating. But trying to connect with people takes energy. It takes time and offered intimacy. I know a lot of people who go on breaks from internet dating because it's wearing them out.

 

However I don't think having short term relationships does lasting damage to a person. Much like having short friendships doesn't. If a short relationship is the only kind that works for you then you need to start thinking about your relationship to intimacy. But going out with a few people a year just means you aren't finding people you really click with but you are still up for giving people a shot. Thus, short relationships.

[SooSad33]

Yeah, true.

I did once get involved with someone I had known for years. Didnt' last long. Wasn't for me.

 

I guess it's just time and effort.. to see IF you're compatible or if you 'click'.

[j.man]

I guess it's just time and effort.. to see IF you're compatible or if you 'click'.

Well now you've given us something we can actually work with.

 

While certainly aspects only reveal themselves in time, you should have a feel for chemistry and compatibility even from the first date. You should really only be getting to a relationship stage, even if just short-term, if you've felt that click or compatibility. If you're still evaluating interest at that point, of course it's going to be extremely exhausting.

 

It may be a case where you'd simply benefit from checking names off the list much sooner than later.

[Wiseman2]

Nothing wrong with it if long term or fwb or random hookups are not something you want right now.

[SooSad33]

Nothing wrong with it if long term or fwb or random hookups are not something you want right now.

 

Not really talking about myself.

 

Just wondering in general re: so many short term relationships in such short a time span. Like someone new every cpl months, etc.

 

Some people do that. I guess Im figuring it as in, leading someone on for a bit, only to push them away and move on again, so fast. and this has gone on throughout the year.

They- now on number 5 or 6. ( dont think I could do that).

[katrina1980]

 

While certainly aspects only reveal themselves in time, you should have a feel for chemistry and compatibility even from the first date. You should really only be getting to a relationship stage, even if just short-term, if you've felt that click or compatibility. If you're still evaluating interest at that point, of course it's going to be extremely exhausting.

 

It may be a case where you'd simply benefit from checking names off the list much sooner than later.

 

I agree with this^, and it's how I date and have RLs also.

 

The problem I see is people tend to continue dating and even get into RLs even though that initial chemistry is not happening.

 

They may have had fun, laughed, even had a lot in common.

 

BUT there's just no "chemistry' and probably NEVER will be.

 

But they continue on nevertheless, proceeding to analyze and dissect every little thing (why hasn't she/he texted, why isn't he calling, do you think he/she is interested?), the list goes on and on.

 

When they should have just stopped dating them from the getgo after realizing there's just no chemistry.

 

When there is genuine chemistry (which is mutual), combined with compatibility, none of that **** happens.

 

There's an easy, natural flow to it, no guessing how he/she feels, no wondering about it or other confusion.

 

You kinda just "know" at least I always do. It's not projecting, it's a feeling based on our chemistry which frankly should be obvious!

 

This leads to long term RLs most of the time. At least for me.

 

When the chemistry/compatibility isn't there, it's like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.

 

It's not gonna fit but you keep trying until you become exhausted from trying and then end it = short term relationships

[SooSad33]

Yes, the way I see it too.. is if it's not there, STOP stringing that person along.

 

I have seen it too.. someone admitted to me a few weeks ago re" his gf, that he doesnt feel its going to work.. "not really feeling it'. Okay- they why are you still seeing her?

 

I dont like when someone keeps leading you on. OR, that they walk away for a month or more, and return to meet up with you again.. Why???

I am NOT going to get hurt.. again! Leave me alone.

[katrina1980]

Yes, the way I see it too.. is if it's not there, STOP stringing that person along.

 

I have seen it too.. someone admitted to me a few weeks ago re" his gf, that he doesnt feel its going to work.. "not really feeling it'. Okay- they why are you still seeing her?

 

I dont like when someone keeps leading you on. OR, that they walk away for a month or more, and return to meet up with you again.. Why???

I am NOT going to get hurt.. again! Leave me alone.

 

Maybe they continue 'stringing along' cause they like the sex (or just having regular sex), same for women, plus for many (not all) women, they like the ATTENTION, being taken out, etc.

 

Yeah it's wrong and lacks integrity (imho) but it is what it is.

 

All we can do is recognize it when it happens to us, and walk away.

[tattoobunnie]

Congrats! You're not a serial monogamous. There is nothing wrong with short-term relationships. Some people get stuck in relationships that aren't right or even good for them, but never leave.

 

Just keep in mind, it only takes one to make it right. Date away and enjoy! I've had tons of boyfriends and tons of fun.

[Inspired]

 

When there is genuine chemistry (which is mutual), combined with compatibility, none of that **** happens

 

What are real examples of not being compatible? Basic question perhaps but I get confused when this term is used so often.

[SooSad33]

What are real examples of not being compatible? Basic question perhaps but I get confused when this term is used so often.

 

Probably like lifestyle? One's a partier.. one's not. One's a gamer, one's not. One has kids, one doesn't.

One's big into travel or outdoors ( active) and one isn't.

 

I once thought a guy and I had a good connection, but soon afterwards, he just went silent Not sure why?

I guess HE didn't feel the same way. ( Not sure what was lacking for him? I'm easy going, witty etc).

One reason NOT to get into things too quickly.. then one often gets too emotionally involved=hurt, when it all ends.. *sigh*.

 

This is probably why things like 'dating' can get exhausting. Like a new 'test' every time.

 

But, are you really 'ready'?

 

When getting involved ( Possible long lasting relation), you DO need to consider there's now more than just YOU. And then expectations arise. In all levels.

 

So many don't have it in them. And it all takes time. ( way too many jump in with both feet).

 

Oh, the challenges of Life.

[katrina1980]

 

I once thought a guy and I had a good connection, but soon afterwards, he just went silent Not sure why?

I guess HE didn't feel the same way. ( Not sure what was lacking for him? I'm easy going, witty etc).

 

Being witty and easy going does not a "connection" or "chemistry" make though.

 

I think this is where the confusion comes into play for many people.

 

As long as we're asking questions, you said you and this guy had a "good connection" (from your perspective)

 

What made it good, for you? What made YOU feel it, but NOT him? Genuinely curious cause this subject fascinates me.

 

You felt it but he, on the other hand, wasn't "feeling it," which makes me question whether it was a genuine connection/chemistry or basic attraction based on something else, like his charm, or good looks perhaps?

 

Chemistry is hard to define, impossible really. You either feel it or you don't, it's intangible, undefinable.

 

When it's there, it's mutual, at least in my experience. Not based on looks, job, career, money, status or anything else superficial.

 

It's an energy (which is how I like to describe it). An energy generating between BOTH people.

 

It's either there or it isn't. You either feel it or you don't. It can't be forced and it can't be created.

 

It's just there.

[Inspired]

 

It's an energy (which is how I like to describe it). An energy generating between BOTH people.

 

It's either there or it isn't. You either feel it or you don't. It can't be forced and it can't be created.

 

It's just there.

 

I also would describe it as an energy between two people that has nothing to do with anything superficial. Can be powerful.

 

Perhaps you can have a genuine connection with someone but then discover you're not completely compatible... hence the shorter term relationships.

 

We had a strong connection and were compatible in many ways except for one big one, he didn't want anything too serious. I did.

[katrina1980]

I also would describe it as an energy between two people that has nothing to do with anything superficial. Can be powerful.

 

Perhaps you can have a genuine connection with someone but then discover you're not completely compatible... hence the shorter term relationships.

 

We had a strong connection and were compatible in many ways except for one big one, he didn't want anything too serious. I did.

 

Absolutely agree with you!

 

The chemistry attracts you.

 

The compatibility keeps you there LONG TERM.

 

For me in my experiences (LTRs), usually both are there. It's very VERY rare when there is true genuine chemistry though, at least for me.

 

So when it's there, my RLs usually last long term. Only a few have not.

 

I am pretty flexible and open, so it would probably take a lot (like him being a major d-bag...lol) for me to not feel compatible with him.

 

I get along well with most people, all different types, chemistry or not.

 

But I know of relationships where the couple just fight like cats and dogs.

 

Lots of chemistry but LOTS of high drama.

 

Don't know why but I can only assume their personalities clash, but stay cause of the intense chemistry.

 

Some couples also thrive on high drama, so they create it themselves.

 

Not ruling that out either!

 

ETA: Inspired, I appreciate your agreeing with me on the energy thing. Many people think I am just whacked when I talk to them about "energy" between people.

 

They think it's pretty hokey actually. lol

[SooSad33]

Chemistry is hard to define, impossible really. You either feel it or you don't, it's intangible, undefinable.

 

Yes, some people may not exactly 'feel it'.. BUT will still continue to 'use the person'... until they come across something they may find better.

 

Some NEVER know what they're looking for.

 

But.. I refuse to go around using people.. or messing up my own mind in the process.

 

I think these things can end up messy or complex. Like one just wants one thing and the other wants more than that.

 

i feel BOTH need to be on the same road. Both want to be looking for a relationship- not hook ups, etc.

Some can be mentally stable.. others aren't.

 

So many factors, isnt there.. in order to be 'compatible'?

[SooSad33]

I felt we had a 'connection', I guess because I am an empath and felt a LOT towards him.. too quickly. But he obviously didn't.

And also I could tell he was NOT well in the mind set. he's been thru a few women this year and and ex said he is FULL of mental issue's......

 

Best to keep away then.. and keep distance. ( even tho he tried to meet with me again after a while).

[notalady]

What are real examples of not being compatible? Basic question perhaps but I get confused when this term is used so often.

 

Compatible to me means personality mesh, similar values, life goals aligned and life style choice / habits are not incompatible (doesn't have to be the same).

 

Personality mesh to me means that you don't have personality clashes. Like two headstrong / hot tempered people tend to clash for example. Or if one person is hyper sensitive and easily offended, while the other is more carefree and maybe a bit insensitive, there tend to be clashes / conflicts (like me and my ex).

 

Similar values means to me that you both value the same things, like loyalty, honesty, responsibility, reliability, kindness. While everyone SAY they value these things, that's most certainly not true. So this can only be observed over time, demonstrated in action, usually reliability and honestly for example, are the easiest to assess, while some others becomes clear over a few months or longer. For me personally, family value is very important too. So I generally try to find this out soonish, usually just by the way they talk about their family and react to the way I talk about mine, gives me a pretty good idea.

 

As for life style, that's one of the easier things I think, like smoking and drugs, fitness, tidiness.

 

As for life goals, that includes career goals, financial goals, children, marriage etc.

 

Sounds like a lot of things to consider. But I think any of those things can cause incompatibility.