I believe I have mommy issues and its effecting my dating life.

[SmooveJ1124]

I don't wan't to make this long but Im 25 and was raised mostly by my father. My father is a legit Man, raised me to be the man I am today and love him for it (I have a great Job and graduated college). My mom was never around or barely around. Make promises she wouldn't keep and even missed a lot of my birthdays as a child (she did drugs). We have a better relationship now that I'm older but sometimes she will still get missing from time to time. I have siblings that are affected by this also and we all have different dads. My older brother haven't spoke to my mom in years (had a fight) and my sister is very introverted and use to fight with my mom a lot (eventually had to move to another state). I believe this has had an effect on my dating life and relationships. I didn't even know the term "mommy issues" were real until I did some research online and still don't know if its legit. As I look at my past I tend to end up with the women that has some sort of issues with there fathers (daddy issues). and these relationships tend to last very long, 2 years or more. More than it needs to last. Lots of drama and break up and make up action. I was no Mr. Good guy in the past, my first relationship I cheated multiple times but when I finally got my act together I found out she cheated on me and left me for the guy. I believe in karma so I didn't carry that into my next relationship.

 

I didn't cheat in my next, hell I didn't even text girls back that randomly text me. But it turned into an emotional abusive and manipulating relationship. Mostly on her part, She will say some things to try to hurt my ego and self esteem and I began to turn into that after a lot of breaking up and making up. Now we are at a point where we are attached to each other. I don't understand it at all, she will say some very rude things and I would say some very rude things also and we will go sometime without communicating but eventually we will start talking again. She has a tainted past and she is currently at my house as we speak in my bed while I'm at work. Just 3-4 weeks ago we had a blow up and ended up not talking for a week until she contacted me. I'm guessing my mom issues and her dad issues is what make us so attached but at the same time its toxic. I've missed out on a couple good women due to my issues. It seems like I end up choosing the bad girl over the one that will be good for my mind and soul. But also, looks play a part in this too I have to admit. We're currently not officially back together.

 

As you can see I'm well aware of my problems and know this is not right. But half of me feels I'm suppose to be in situations and relationships like these. Like I'm meant for it. Do guys with mommy issues and girls with daddy issues attract like magnets? If you all could give me some advice I would appreciate it. Thanks.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Don't blame your parents as an adult, when your life and future are in your hands and your responsibility. Yes there's pop psychology phrases daddy/mommy issues etc.

 

However having an addict/absent parent is something you should unpack and work out in therapy. Insight is great but only half the journey. Until behaviors, reactions, habits and choices are changed insight is just an abstract theory.

 

As far as past and current relationships it sounds like they are turbulent and perhaps were immature with mindless actions etc more borne of youth than deep seated problems.

 

Nonetheless you still find yourself in unstable, unhappy situations, so exploring that in therapy and how to turn that around would really be worth your while.

My mom was never around or barely around.she did drugs. Just 3-4 weeks ago we had a blow up and ended up not talking for a week until she contacted me. I'm guessing my mom issues and her dad issues is what make us so attached but at the same time its toxic.

[SmooveJ1124]

I'm not too big on therapy but at the same time I keep thinking about it. Thanks for the advice.

[rosephase]

It sounds like you had one bad relationship where you didn't respect your partner and that ended. And another bad relationship were your partner is mentally abusive. You are also 25 and have had two long term relationships... I think it's pretty normal at this point to be sorting out what you want a relationship to look like. And it seems like you've come to the healthy idea that it shouldn't be angry and hurtful. While I would also recommend that you find a therapist to talk through some of the feelings you've been dealing with since childhood, I don't think you need to see this as a pattern. You've had one abusive partner... now you know what that looks like. Most people don't see abuse right away and have a hard time getting out of a abusive relationship. That doesn't mean your broken... it just means you didn't know what abuse looked like or felt like.

 

So you've had two relationships and you've learned some things... 1) you tend to stay in relationships long after they aren't working for you 2) cheating is a d*ck move that ends in heartbreak 3) abusive partners suck. That might sound flippant but thous are BIG lessons that can help you find a partner that works for you in the future.

 

Get this abusive ex out of your house, pick yourself up and learn from your mistakes.

[Hollyj]

I'm not too big on therapy but at the same time I keep thinking about it. Thanks for the advice.

 

I would stop thinking about it and some help.

 

You are choosing toxic, due to trust issues and the inability to let people in.

 

Your choice, if you want things to change .

[WithLove]

It's pretty easy to blame your background on your parents and that's what I did for most of my life (I have a functioning alcoholic father). But at some point, we all have to take responsibility for our own actions and accept that what we do or say is an extension of us, not our parents. You're 25, you've graduated college, you have a good job and you're smart enough to realize that this stuff that's happening, you have some blame for it. You recognize that the relationship you're in is in fact toxic and, when you really think about it, you know you don't want it like that.

 

Here's what helped me. I looked up Adult Children of Alcoholics. The group is an extension of AA and they use a program similar to 12 Steps, but it's for people that have gone through their lives with a family member or significant other that is involved with addictive substances or behaviors. It's a group that lets you talk about what you've gone through, and you get to listen to other people's stories, too. There is no judgment and it is anonymous. It's a safe place.

 

Going to those meetings really opened my eyes to stuff I'd been dealing with internally that I never even considered; wasn't even on my radar. You may not realize how affected you are by your mother's behavior, but it will show itself in many ways. ACA helps you recognize those and addresses them, and also gives you tools on how to deal with them. It's less about "therapy" and more about being open to listening to the material and actually hearing what it (and people) are trying to tell you.

 

If you'd like to read about the experience for me, here's a thread I started: . I really hope you will consider trying it.