My Boyfriend Told Me He's Embarrassed of My Past

[zeino]

You sound like you are already owning his controlling, insecure and insulting perspective with this talk about "my past", and all those things like you have no desire to be what you were like and a man who will accept you with your "past." What "past"? What the hell is this "immorality" implication in this "past"? You are a free woman and you can do whatever you like until you choose to commit to someone. A man who has a problem with this should stop sleep with any woman immediately because what he does is to contribute to these "pasts" that he also judges women with. How hypocritical really.

 

It is you and you only who can assess your actions and if you think they were mistakes, you can choose whatever you would like to do with them. It is one thing to learn from them and quite another to be guilted and judged by a partner like this.

 

This isn't even about your "past" actually. It is his insecurity which can focus on senseless things even if you are "spotless" yourself. Even your habits of shopping can trigger this insecurity. He is belittling you so that he feels in control.

 

If I were you I would start by erasing this concept of "my past". You had a past like zillions of people. It's completely OK to have your "past." It's nothing horrible. Stop seeing stuff from this perspective of "my past". Actually, it's his past where he learnt these unhealthy surviving tools that clash even with his own actions and where he didn't learnt to respect women as free beings. He can focus on his past with a therapist and start discovering why he has behaving like a potential abuser.

 

He should be your "past" actually.

[agent1607307371]

Honestly, I believe that when your partner uses your life against you in arguments, and as reason to treat you as a lesser person, it's time to walk away. Give yourself the respect they won't.

[Jibralta]

Am I over exaggerating? Should I be understanding of why he feels this way since it is normal?? Or is this way of thinking pacifying his belittling of me and I'm officially manipulated?

 

I don't think his feelings are normal. It's not normal to cut down the people that (you say) you love. I think your feelings are valid here.

[Jibralta]

You sound like you are already owning his controlling, insecure and insulting perspective with this talk about "my past", and all those things like you have no desire to be what you were like and a man who will accept you with your "past." What "past"? What the hell is this "immorality" implication in this "past"? You are a free woman and you can do whatever you like until you choose to commit to someone. A man who has a problem with this should stop sleep with any woman immediately because what he does is to contribute to these "pasts" that he also judges women with. How hypocritical really.

 

It is you and you only who can assess your actions and if you think they were mistakes, you can choose whatever you would like to do with them. It is one thing to learn from them and quite another to be guilted and judged by a partner like this.

 

This isn't even about your "past" actually. It is his insecurity which can focus on senseless things even if you are "spotless" yourself. Even your habits of shopping can trigger this insecurity. He is belittling you so that he feels in control.

 

If I were you I would start by erasing this concept of "my past". You had a past like zillions of people. It's completely OK to have your "past." It's nothing horrible. Stop seeing stuff from this perspective of "my past". Actually, it's his past where he learnt these unhealthy surviving tools that clash even with his own actions and where he didn't learnt to respect women as free beings. He can focus on his past with a therapist and start discovering why he has behaving like a potential abuser.

 

He should be your "past" actually.

 

Totally agree with this.

[amaryllis8]

This is super hard. I've dealt with things like this from my current boyfriend too - thinking that you've been "forgiven" (not that you need it, he just needs to accept it) for your past, and then having it brought up later, during the heat of the moment.

I guess I would challenge him on it. Say that you love him, and accept him for who he is, and require the same thing from him. Which means he can accept your past, or not. That's on him. But if he can't, then your relationship isn't going to work. Because you do deserve someone who sees your loyalty for what it is, and someone who recognizes that there's a period of growth in everyone's life. You like who you are now, you've made peace with your past and moved on. So should he.

[Mzunderstood]

This is super hard. I've dealt with things like this from my current boyfriend too - thinking that you've been "forgiven" (not that you need it, he just needs to accept it) for your past, and then having it brought up later, during the heat of the moment.

I guess I would challenge him on it. Say that you love him, and accept him for who he is, and require the same thing from him. Which means he can accept your past, or not. That's on him. But if he can't, then your relationship isn't going to work. Because you do deserve someone who sees your loyalty for what it is, and someone who recognizes that there's a period of growth in everyone's life. You like who you are now, you've made peace with your past and moved on. So should he.

 

I appreciate everyone's response but I empathize most with yours. You understand that I don't hate him and it's usually a heat of the moment thing as opposed to him just bashing me constantly. It's just hard having to be faced with such a thing when I've moved on. He expressed that it only makes it hard because they're still friends and his friend is a d0uche.

[gianno]

You should not be with someone that thinks that low of you and disrespects you like that. But as a side note: past predicts present time a lot of the time, if you actually have changed and are more stable now then that's great if that's what you truly want. But the thing is people largely don't change who they are in this regard or in most domains

[Mzunderstood]

You should not be with someone that thinks that low of you and disrespects you like that. But as a side note: past predicts present time a lot of the time, if you actually have changed and are more stable now then that's great if that's what you truly want. But the thing is people largely don't change who they are in this regard or in most domains

 

I wasn't a $lut the way he feels I was. I can honestly say I was true good girl gone bad but caught myself before it was too late. I had casual partners and moved on. I didn't relate feelings to the encounters I had much. In his defense I can understand it's kind of painful to have to face your friend knowing that the woman you love and want to marry has already been there like that. I get that. It's just a certain sense of sensitivity that I want from him since I've never done wrong BY him.

[ArcticKat]

I don't know the full story but it sounds like emotional abuse starting. To be honest, if he isn't proud of who you are now, he will be harder to deal with if he wants to insult or jab you for growing up.

I would suggest you two take some space and see in a month or two if you two want to be together and then suggest couple counseling. He needs to learn why he is attacking you and your past. Trust me (I have a past most people would faint at) and my husband had to deal with his own state of mind with it before we could get into relationship and him to step up to seeing only who I am in the here and now. Pride with being with each other should only grow and not shrink as trust and respect is developed on multiple levels with each others.

[zeino]

Say that you love him, and accept him for who he is, and require the same thing from him.

 

Why should she accept him for who he is when he is treating her the disrespectful way most abusers or controllers treat their partners? Many things the OP wrote show that if he loves her, he loves her as an object not as a subject, a person in her own right.

[abitbroken]

If I was dating a guy and found out he at first was after my best friend before he moved onto me and also slept with a woman who I considered a cousin, that would be a whole lot different than if he had more relationships than I had. I know people say that this is controlling or this or that, but I am not a controlling person and once I got past the butterfly and fireworks stage, the thoughts that my cousin slept with my now-boyfriend and then running into her, etc, would churn my stomach. Or if my best friend made comments about how he kissed, etc, or knew any details about him. Maybe y'all think I am a big baby, but I would never want the feeling that my guy had been passed through and rejected by the women around me that I trusted/respected before he made his way down the ladder to me, or the fact that he had slept with family. It would sort of be at the back of my mind at times.

 

I think that if he chose a relationship with you, he would have to accept you as you are and if he can't, he should end it.. But I also see the side of knowing/putting a face and a name to people you have been with as well.

[abitbroken]

I wasn't a $lut the way he feels I was. I can honestly say I was true good girl gone bad but caught myself before it was too late. I had casual partners and moved on. I didn't relate feelings to the encounters I had much. In his defense I can understand it's kind of painful to have to face your friend knowing that the woman you love and want to marry has already been there like that. I get that. It's just a certain sense of sensitivity that I want from him since I've never done wrong BY him.

 

I think that its time for you both to evaluate the relationship. You guys are getting past the getting to know you stage and reality is setting in. If is having a hard time - when he kidded himself he was okay with it before - that you had been involved with his cousin and best friend before - then you need to break up. if its not a liveable situation for either of you, then its best to say "next". I don't think you are wrong for feeling that he should accept your past and I don't think he's wrong for being a little uncomfortable that you have slept with his cousin and were in a relationship with his best friend. Its not right for him to throw it back at you, but it is understandable how he would occasionally be upset about it/that it would rear its head.

[Banished]

I know I may be criticized harshly for voicing my honest opinion, but I would have difficulty dating someone with an extended "casual sex period" in her life.

 

This doesn't change that I can see the rightly maddening hypocrisy of your boyfriend engaging in a lot of casual sex and being angry at you for doing the same.

 

What would bother me is not "the number" per say, but the purely hedonistic value I find that many people who engaged in casual sex place in intimacy. With all due respect, you forgiving yourself for your past is wonderful, but that shouldn't have any impact on how others see things.

 

Being in a relationship with someone who had "too many partners" (which I can't outright through out) would make ME feel like a disposable toy, and I honestly don't think I'd be able to have intimacy without thinking "oh God, how many people have been there already".

 

Before I get called out for being misogynistic or unenlightened, I don't see his "man-whoring" days in any more positive light.

 

The bottom line is that this either bothers him (like it does for me) or not. Tell him to man up and either accept you as you are or end things. This would be the best for everyone.

[Chili]

I am in a similar situation but on the other part of the relationship than you. Ill tell you my story and maybe this can put perspective on his feelings in this about you:

 

I met a girl at work who I am very much in love with. She has been very promiscuous and has slept with around 80 men. Swingerclubs, bondage, peeing, if you can dream it she has done it. I came from a 12 year long relationship and our background in these things couldnt be more different. The thing is that this didnt bother me. I recognize that her past is what made her the person I love today.

 

After some months I found out she has been sleeping with 4 other men in the same company. One I never met so I dont care. Two are guys that I really liked and work with ocasionally. The last one is my highest ranking boss who I present my numbers and results to regularly, and have one on one strategy meetings etc. This is where things started to be difficult for me. Especially my boss has become a major obstacle in our relationship, and we are fighting for it to not end at this stage.

 

She has totally convinced me that she is madly in love, and I dont doubt her loyalty for a second. As such Im not jealous, not affraid she will be with our boss again or anyone else. To me it has just become a fact that I have a very hard time moving past and dealing with. I face him and the other two often, and everytime it churns my stomach. I picture them together, however hard I try not to. I learned she slept with me the first time on the same hotel she was with him. Another of the guys she slept with, she met at last years company summer party, same party where she met me a year after. These things causes what we have together to feel less special for me. And since she is working on a daily basis with these people and I get faced with them weekly, then that part of her past doesnt feel like it is the past. It hurts me basically every week, and the wound cant close. On top of this, another colleague let me know that she has a very bad reputation internally in the company for sleeping with co-workers. Although that shouldnt matter, its just not a nice feeling that so many people see your girlfriend as that girl that is just passed around at each party, and that I was just next random number she got to.

 

As time progress this gets worse. Now I started to be bothered at the other two in the company, which I wasnt at first. Then that thought leads to others that reach outside the company and suddenly other encounters she had starts to get in my way.

Its horrible because I love her, and feeling that some bad decisions in her past is ruining our future is killing me. These frustrations then come out often in our conversations. Not because I want to jab her with her past, but because I am hurting so much inside and I need to let it out. I think about it almost all the time, and sometimes I just cant stop myself from talking about it, eventhough she has done all she possibly can to mend it.

 

My conclusion is that if this is ever going to work, we both need to leave the company and cut the contact with the people who were involved in this. So it can finally be truly in the past, and not be smeared in my face everyday. She offered to do just that, and I am considering that atm.

 

To sum all this up on your story - I think that your BF is hurting a lot more than you think over this. He is probably a typical man without a good connection to his feelings, and this is his reaction. He loves you but cant stop thinking about this, and this roams in his head almost all the time. He will try to hide it and be happy with you, but sometimes the frustration takes over and he blurts it out in a illogical hurtful way.

 

I think the only way forward for you two, is if its possible to break all contact with the friend and the cousin. If you think back, Im almost certain that these problems arise shortly after he interacted with one of the two in any way?

I dont believe he would have a problem with your past if it wasnt because you had slept with people he knows and still sees. And since this keep being brought back to the present, the wound can never heal but only get deeper. When he then obsess over these thoughts it gets worse, and suddenly the rest of your past is in the mix as well. If you dont remove the people that causes the pain in the first place, then each meeting with them will twist the knife and make it go further in, instead of pulling it out and let it heal.

 

I hope this puts some perspective on how he might be feeling. I love her and want these things to never have happened, and Im sure its the same for him and you. Maybe show him this message I wrote and ask if this is how he feels? If it is, then you have a direction to work in. Good luck, its really an awful situation to be in.

[Mzunderstood]

I am in a similar situation but on the other part of the relationship than you. Ill tell you my story and maybe this can put perspective on his feelings in this about you:

 

I met a girl at work who I am very much in love with. She has been very promiscuous and has slept with around 80 men. Swingerclubs, bondage, peeing, if you can dream it she has done it. I came from a 12 year long relationship and our background in these things couldnt be more different. The thing is that this didnt bother me. I recognize that her past is what made her the person I love today.

 

After some months I found out she has been sleeping with 4 other men in the same company. One I never met so I dont care. Two are guys that I really liked and work with ocasionally. The last one is my highest ranking boss who I present my numbers and results to regularly, and have one on one strategy meetings etc. This is where things started to be difficult for me. Especially my boss has become a major obstacle in our relationship, and we are fighting for it to not end at this stage.

 

She has totally convinced me that she is madly in love, and I dont doubt her loyalty for a second. As such Im not jealous, not affraid she will be with our boss again or anyone else. To me it has just become a fact that I have a very hard time moving past and dealing with. I face him and the other two often, and everytime it churns my stomach. I picture them together, however hard I try not to. I learned she slept with me the first time on the same hotel she was with him. Another of the guys she slept with, she met at last years company summer party, same party where she met me a year after. These things causes what we have together to feel less special for me. And since she is working on a daily basis with these people and I get faced with them weekly, then that part of her past doesnt feel like it is the past. It hurts me basically every week, and the wound cant close. On top of this, another colleague let me know that she has a very bad reputation internally in the company for sleeping with co-workers. Although that shouldnt matter, its just not a nice feeling that so many people see your girlfriend as that girl that is just passed around at each party, and that I was just next random number she got to.

 

As time progress this gets worse. Now I started to be bothered at the other two in the company, which I wasnt at first. Then that thought leads to others that reach outside the company and suddenly other encounters she had starts to get in my way.

Its horrible because I love her, and feeling that some bad decisions in her past is ruining our future is killing me. These frustrations then come out often in our conversations. Not because I want to jab her with her past, but because I am hurting so much inside and I need to let it out. I think about it almost all the time, and sometimes I just cant stop myself from talking about it, eventhough she has done all she possibly can to mend it.

 

My conclusion is that if this is ever going to work, we both need to leave the company and cut the contact with the people who were involved in this. So it can finally be truly in the past, and not be smeared in my face everyday. She offered to do just that, and I am considering that atm.

 

To sum all this up on your story - I think that your BF is hurting a lot more than you think over this. He is probably a typical man without a good connection to his feelings, and this is his reaction. He loves you but cant stop thinking about this, and this roams in his head almost all the time. He will try to hide it and be happy with you, but sometimes the frustration takes over and he blurts it out in a illogical hurtful way.

 

I think the only way forward for you two, is if its possible to break all contact with the friend and the cousin. If you think back, Im almost certain that these problems arise shortly after he interacted with one of the two in any way?

I dont believe he would have a problem with your past if it wasnt because you had slept with people he knows and still sees. And since this keep being brought back to the present, the wound can never heal but only get deeper. When he then obsess over these thoughts it gets worse, and suddenly the rest of your past is in the mix as well. If you dont remove the people that causes the pain in the first place, then each meeting with them will twist the knife and make it go further in, instead of pulling it out and let it heal.

 

I hope this puts some perspective on how he might be feeling. I love her and want these things to never have happened, and Im sure its the same for him and you. Maybe show him this message I wrote and ask if this is how he feels? If it is, then you have a direction to work in. Good luck, its really an awful situation to be in.

 

You have no clue how helpful that was. Really. I appreciate it so much. I want to show this to him but I don't want him to judge me for being on here in the first place. I was nowhere near as bad as your girlfriend. My body count is barely a fourth of hers. I was still timid. Didn't go out much. Just freaky and had a lot of intimate episodes. Wow. I can't express how appreciative I am of this. I always whine about not having males to turn to for advice.

[Chili]

I am really glad it helped Mzunderstood! If he knows everything you wrote in this post, then there is no reason not to show this to him. You are looking for answers because you want it to work, and you can't find them in your current network. When you reach out like this, thats a compliment to him for your love for him. I Don't think he will judge a person for anonymously finding help online. I really am truly glad to see how much you appreciated this. I hope you will make things work out for you guys.

[imdar3ald3al]

First thing, you should never date your ex's best friend. Second, if someone can't handle your past then move on. It will always haunt them. I know a heterosexual couple, one of which had a few partners and the other one had none. The male, who was a virgin, became insecure and was very abusive during the first year of the relationship and it resulted in partner rape. Now they are trying to work it out b/c they have a kid together, but the wife doesn't want to have sex and things are just plain terrible. I'm not saying this will happen to you, but ultimately, whoever you are with has to deal with your past and if they won't then you need to move on.

[RosieM]

I think that its time for you both to evaluate the relationship. You guys are getting past the getting to know you stage and reality is setting in. If is having a hard time - when he kidded himself he was okay with it before - that you had been involved with his cousin and best friend before - then you need to break up. if its not a liveable situation for either of you, then its best to say "next". I don't think you are wrong for feeling that he should accept your past and I don't think he's wrong for being a little uncomfortable that you have slept with his cousin and were in a relationship with his best friend. Its not right for him to throw it back at you, but it is understandable how he would occasionally be upset about it/that it would rear its head.

 

Understandable, yes. Fair?? No! How can anyone be held accountable for their partner feeling uncomfortable for something they did before they met them? The same partner who knows these things and chooses to be with that person has no right to bring it up, even if it upsets them.

[RosieM]

I am in a similar situation but on the other part of the relationship than you. Ill tell you my story and maybe this can put perspective on his feelings in this about you:

 

I met a girl at work who I am very much in love with. She has been very promiscuous and has slept with around 80 men. Swingerclubs, bondage, peeing, if you can dream it she has done it. I came from a 12 year long relationship and our background in these things couldnt be more different. The thing is that this didnt bother me. I recognize that her past is what made her the person I love today.

 

After some months I found out she has been sleeping with 4 other men in the same company. One I never met so I dont care. Two are guys that I really liked and work with ocasionally. The last one is my highest ranking boss who I present my numbers and results to regularly, and have one on one strategy meetings etc. This is where things started to be difficult for me. Especially my boss has become a major obstacle in our relationship, and we are fighting for it to not end at this stage.

 

She has totally convinced me that she is madly in love, and I dont doubt her loyalty for a second. As such Im not jealous, not affraid she will be with our boss again or anyone else. To me it has just become a fact that I have a very hard time moving past and dealing with. I face him and the other two often, and everytime it churns my stomach. I picture them together, however hard I try not to. I learned she slept with me the first time on the same hotel she was with him. Another of the guys she slept with, she met at last years company summer party, same party where she met me a year after. These things causes what we have together to feel less special for me. And since she is working on a daily basis with these people and I get faced with them weekly, then that part of her past doesnt feel like it is the past. It hurts me basically every week, and the wound cant close. On top of this, another colleague let me know that she has a very bad reputation internally in the company for sleeping with co-workers. Although that shouldnt matter, its just not a nice feeling that so many people see your girlfriend as that girl that is just passed around at each party, and that I was just next random number she got to.

 

As time progress this gets worse. Now I started to be bothered at the other two in the company, which I wasnt at first. Then that thought leads to others that reach outside the company and suddenly other encounters she had starts to get in my way.

Its horrible because I love her, and feeling that some bad decisions in her past is ruining our future is killing me. These frustrations then come out often in our conversations. Not because I want to jab her with her past, but because I am hurting so much inside and I need to let it out. I think about it almost all the time, and sometimes I just cant stop myself from talking about it, eventhough she has done all she possibly can to mend it.

 

My conclusion is that if this is ever going to work, we both need to leave the company and cut the contact with the people who were involved in this. So it can finally be truly in the past, and not be smeared in my face everyday. She offered to do just that, and I am considering that atm.

 

To sum all this up on your story - I think that your BF is hurting a lot more than you think over this. He is probably a typical man without a good connection to his feelings, and this is his reaction. He loves you but cant stop thinking about this, and this roams in his head almost all the time. He will try to hide it and be happy with you, but sometimes the frustration takes over and he blurts it out in a illogical hurtful way.

 

I think the only way forward for you two, is if its possible to break all contact with the friend and the cousin. If you think back, Im almost certain that these problems arise shortly after he interacted with one of the two in any way?

I dont believe he would have a problem with your past if it wasnt because you had slept with people he knows and still sees. And since this keep being brought back to the present, the wound can never heal but only get deeper. When he then obsess over these thoughts it gets worse, and suddenly the rest of your past is in the mix as well. If you dont remove the people that causes the pain in the first place, then each meeting with them will twist the knife and make it go further in, instead of pulling it out and let it heal.

 

I hope this puts some perspective on how he might be feeling. I love her and want these things to never have happened, and Im sure its the same for him and you. Maybe show him this message I wrote and ask if this is how he feels? If it is, then you have a direction to work in. Good luck, its really an awful situation to be in.

 

I really hope that changing jobs fixes everything in your relationship, I really really do. However, I'm having hard time believing that if you obsess over all of her previous partners all day long that it's just going to stop because you get don't see those people all the time anymore? What if you run into one of her partners at the movie theater? Do you get to bring it up and be upset with her again? What's the purpose of being upset with her? What do you hope to gain from this? I can only see that you wish to make her feel as bad as you feel about her past, and honestly that's just sick, that's not love. If you need to let it, talk to a therapist, a friend, a sibling, a parent, a pastor, or some other person you trust. Don't let it out to her, she didn't owe you ANYTHING when she did that stuff. And, if you feel she did, and you can't get past this, then you don't need to be with that person. That goes for all the people who've commented "oh I wouldn't like that either" or "I wouldn't be comfortable being with someone after that", fine! No problem! Then DON'T be with them! Don't sit around and make them feel bad about themselves because you feel bad about something from their past. Unless you can build a freaking time machine, YOU CAN'T CHANGE THE PAST!! So being upset, bringing it up to your partner, and making them feel bad is all just to make them feel as bad as you do, because you can't change the past, and that's not love! But, you know what? You can change the future! You can stop bringing it up and just be happy with your partner. But, if you just can't seem to let it go, then move on and stop trying to bring down someone you "love" to your level.

[RosieM]

You have no clue how helpful that was. Really. I appreciate it so much. I want to show this to him but I don't want him to judge me for being on here in the first place. I was nowhere near as bad as your girlfriend. My body count is barely a fourth of hers. I was still timid. Didn't go out much. Just freaky and had a lot of intimate episodes. Wow. I can't express how appreciative I am of this. I always whine about not having males to turn to for advice.

 

Yikes.. scared he'll "judge" you for looking for a way to help your relationship? He already seemed judgmental and controlling, but that really affirmed it. I hope you can see that OP. He shouldn't make you feel bad just because he's upset with something from your past, it doesn't matter what it is.