Is my boyfriend smart or just sexist?

[Ms Darcy]

Thanks but my post was in response to the suggestion by some that she was some sort of emotional basket case, unable to control her emotions, dumping it all on her boyfriend, which I admit I suspected "might" be the case too at first too, but after reading her subsequent posts, I am sensing something different and chose to opine about it; I trust that's okay with you.

 

Appreciate your chiming in though, as always.

 

Well, we opine on each other's posts. That's just what we do.

[lvlv5]

He sounds tolerant of the human condition and understanding towards you as a woman...I find that loving and patient

[je55ie]

Depending on what you mean by "side with", because often even though people come here to post about their problems, they start defending the relationship when people actually agree there is a problem. So are we actually siding with the OP or not in that instance?

 

Some of the reasons people tend to agree with the OP that there is a problem and usually suggest breaking up are that 1) there are, most of the time, genuinely a problem bad enough and has been going on long enough that warrants seeking outside advice, 2) the posts don't paint a complete picture of the relationship, as expected, as it is written about a particular issue from the point of view of one of the two parties involved. That's a double edged sword, because on one hand the posters are giving advice without seeing the complete picture, on the other hand, posters get to see the real issue in its condensed version, without noise and bias as they are not involved in the situation, whereas the person in the situation often can't see as clearly how bad the situation is and how they should leave the situation because they do remember those good times as well and of course are emotionally, physically and possibly financially invested.

 

I think all advice on here should be taken with a grain of salt, apply your own judgement. And although OPs don't tend to act on the advice straight away, it makes them more aware of the issues and different perspectives and available solutions, and it's plants a seed that may help them move in the right direction, even if not straight away. And I think that's the most valuable thing about these forums.

 

I agree! These forums are always so helpful to me! I always feel like I have more clarity and confidence after coming onto this site, whatever my reason. It's kinda nice to have something to turn to.

 

And @katrina1980, thank you for your thoughtfulness and perspective. I bet you are a good friend IRL.

 

I've had the day to myself today, and it's been quiet and lonely and wonderful. I think a lot of my emotions getting out of control is just me not advocating for my needs enough. The situation is made worse by him being so attentive and invested in my mood. I grew up and only child, latch-key kid, spent most of my life in remote areas, and now I live in a major city, in a small apartment and am never alone. Strangers invade my personal space all day on the bus, on the street, at work. Then I get home and the boyfriend is never out of arms' reach until I go to work the next morning, except for those 2 hours a month. I can't fully relax in his presence, so I need to keep on the communication even though it's hard, and advocate for my alone time, or exersize or whatever I need before it's "too late".

[je55ie]

To be fair about #2, though, by the time someone is posting here (once or multiple times about relationship issues), it's because the relationship is often very troubled already.

 

Good point. I guess I assume all people are perpetually in need of relationship advice, but that's probably not true. There are many heavy, serious situations posted here every day.

[notalady]

Strangers invade my personal space all day on the bus, on the street, at work. Then I get home and the boyfriend is never out of arms' reach until I go to work the next morning, except for those 2 hours a month. I can't fully relax in his presence, so I need to keep on the communication even though it's hard, and advocate for my alone time, or exersize or whatever I need before it's "too late".

 

To be honest he sounds clingy and it's tiring if you have to engage with him the entire time you're home, it sounds like he gets offended if you want some time alone. Do you two not have time where you just do your own stuff while sharing a space?

[je55ie]

To be honest he sounds clingy and it's tiring if you have to engage with him the entire time you're home, it sounds like he gets offended if you want some time alone. Do you two not have time where you just do your own stuff while sharing a space?

That's sort of what started this whole post. We could be doing very separating things, I'm making dinner and he's playing a computer game, or I'm writing letters and he's fixing a thing. However, he's paying attention to me and doing his thing. If my face frowns or I sigh, he'll call me on not being in the right mood, even if my mood has no bearing on my behavior. I end up spending so much time trying to prove to him I'm fine that I end up getting angry in the process, "Sometimes I am not breathing as deeply as I need, and I sigh to catch a breath".."What is this really about?"

 

Conversely, I can actually be in a bad mood, and I need to work through it. I never work through it as quickly as he deems appropriate and tries to fix it for me. Even if I tell him I just need to be in a bad mood for a while, he finds that unacceptable. This is a drawback to having me as a partner, as it does take me a while to recover when I get down. These elongated negative moods are probably what makes him so attentive to my every micro-affect.

 

Lastly, if I am in a bad mood and want to talk about it as a coping strategy to help remedy my mood, he doesn't want anything to do with it. If my mood isn't remedied by a bowl of ice cream, then it's some flawed female trait that I need to talk about things. His way of "fixing" my mood is with kind gestures and he focuses entirely on the mood itself and not the content or why of the mood. That was initial question, which didn't really get address as the thread went on a tangent about his other behaviors. I need to take more responsibility here, as I don't have many other people in my life to talk to. I feel better if I can talk about the "why" of the mood and talk through some explanation about it or a strategy I can do to remedy the situation.

 

He doesn't think about moods or plans or goals, only wants to be in a good mood right now. Ignore the reasons. It works for him. For example, he gets really pissed off at another drive making an illegal turn, yells and screams at that stupid idiot, practically road rage. A second later, he moves on to..ice cream, or whatever. He's in a good mood again. I, on the other hand, spend time as I drive thinking about people and speculating on their lives. Some driver makes an illegal turn, and I'm thinking, "well, I'm sure I did that once." and done, no bad mood. If a driver does piss me off, I spend time wondering why. "Perhaps I'm pissed off at drivers because the social collective gets road rage; it's not a true organic emotion, it's a learned response. Or perhaps it's because someone turned like that and caused the last wreck I was in. Or maybe I didn't eat enough for lunch and now I'm on edge." I get pissed off a driver 1/100 of the times he does, but when I do, it takes me 100 times longer to get back to normal.

[katrina1980]

^^Your last post above, agree with notalady, he sounds extremely needy and also controlling.

 

Scrutinizing your every move and thought, attempting to squelch any emotion (even a simple sigh) you are experiencing and accusing you of somehow being flawed because of it.

 

I know he is your bf and you love him, but imo he's an a$$hole, I am sorry. No other way to say it.

 

Don't know how you can live like that, but your call, won't judge.

 

You can try talking to him like I had suggested earlier, but he will probably manage to flip it and accuse you of being overly-sensitive, reactionary, and emotional or something equally egregious.

 

If it were me, his criticisms, attempts to control my emotions, moods, etc etc etc would piss me off and would tell him he needs to freakin chill, or we're done.

 

Just me, I don't tolerate that BS.

 

Best of luck in resolving.

[je55ie]

Thanks! I have been tolerating a lot of BS lately, in life, many people. I don't even notice. Ug! Thanks for that!

[Wiseman2]

Agree, he's micromanaging you emotionally as well as you just don't have enough space/privacy from each other.