Bringing up children early on

[limichelle]

So as most of you know I'm in a committed relationship that's long distance we have met twice in July and are going to spend a lot more time together in the new year, such as a week every other month.

 

Even though we have been talking for over a year now it's still early in our dating life to bring up such topics like marriage and children. He has expressed to me though from the beginning his parents want grandchildren as he is their only child. As for himself he is unsure.

 

He knows I'm iffy on the subject.

 

Tonight I'm going to ask over Skype if he wants to be with someone who can give him that option and because he is unsure himself if he wants to see how we do together as a couple in person

 

It's early but you have to go into a relationship knowing what you want and not settle for less.

 

I would still be his friend as he is a great guy!

 

I just know I'm not cut out to be a mother I don't have that maternal drive!

I never did! As a young child at the age of 7 my mom asked why I don't baby my dolls. My response was "I don't want to be no mother!" Lol

 

I guess I knew even then.

 

I believe in open, honest communication with him.

 

At the same time I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who wants kids and then I find this out two years down the road thinking differently if that makes sense.

 

The more time you invest the harder it gets with those decisions.

 

In my ideal world because he is unsure if he wants them he would make up his mind saying he will be with me and never have kids.

 

It's not like he has this internal drive to have them either!

 

It's just his parents come first he is super close. Their opinion on this subject would be the more persuading one.

 

I have a feeling I'm setting myself up for heartbreak. 😔

 

Lisa

[Seraphim]

Ok, so you are not " ify " on the subject. You know you don't want them. This is what he needs to know.

[limichelle]

Yes I'm planning on telling him tonight. Although he has known how I feel about kids from the day we started talking. There was a time I came across iffy because I was unsure myself. I thought my feelings may change but it stresses me out just thinking about it!

 

Lisa

[Edmund Exley]

Wanting to have a child to satisfy his parents seems like a red flag to me. His parents will be gone and he will still have to be a parent of a child he was having to make some one else happy.

[Seraphim]

Yes, no one should have kids to make their parents happy. Your parents are not raising the kids.

[limichelle]

That's what I think as well!

 

I have told him this with other things. He is 38 and still lives at home with them, he has his own job and pays his own bills. They lost his older sister to a tragic death years ago so they are super protective of him now that he is the only child and last lineage to carry on his fathers name.

 

Lisa

[Edmund Exley]

That's what I think as well!

 

I have told him this with other things. He is 38 and still lives at home with them, he has his own job and pays his own bills. They lost his older sister to a tragic death years ago so they are super protective of him now that he is the only child and last lineage to carry on his fathers name.

 

Lisa

 

Um, Im sorry, but thats a little creepy all the way around. I can understand they lost a child but he is 38 for Christ's sakes.

[limichelle]

Yeah it's hard to understand for outsiders but since I love him and we have this incredible bond, I overlook his parents being protective. I mean my parents are the same with me.

 

I'm just more worried about the kid issue honestly. However he did reassure me once that he listens to his parents but the decision is up to him.

 

I'm hoping he just listens to his gut rather then them. I'm hoping he'll spend more time with me and see what happens there.

 

If he absolutely had the desire to reproduce then I would tell him go find someone to have kids with.

 

It's him being on the fence that makes it confusing.

[HeartGoesOn]

It's just his parents come first he is super close. Their opinion on this subject would be the more persuading one.

 

The subject of having children should be a decision between you and your SO. It's one thing to be close to your parents, yet when they're allowed to become involved in their children's marriage/relationships, it usually results in the end of the road...so to speak.

 

I would hope for the best, but at the same time keep my guard up.

[Edmund Exley]

Absolutely sure you dont want children? Go have a tubal ligation. Then the decision is no longer his. Then you will know how he feels and also never have to worry about having children.

[limichelle]

Hi,

 

Thanks for all of your input.

 

I had a complete hysterectomy three years ago so I can't have children. He was just thinking of adoption down the road.

 

Well I talked to him tonight and he said he wants us to continue our relationship and if we end up becoming serious children will no longer be an issue. He clarified he listens to his parents but it's his decision and he wants to be with me.

 

So that's the good news!

[Fudgie]

Absolutely sure you dont want children? Go have a tubal ligation. Then the decision is no longer his. Then you will know how he feels and also never have to worry about having children.

 

This is a nice idea on paper but in reality, it's very difficult to get sterilized as a woman if you don't have kids already, and even then, some doctors may not do it. It's easier for men for some reason to get approval for a vasectomy.

 

I got sterilized at 26 but I found a VERY progressive doctor. By all means, if you want to get sterilized, do your best to find a doctor who is willing, but there is no guarantee.

 

Either way, OP, if you do not want kids, you need to say that in the beginning. There is nothing wrong with not wanting kids but you need to be 100% upfront and let them know "Yes, this is how I feel, no I won't change my mind." Early in my relationships, I made it clear to stress the fact that I actually really don't LIKE children and their mannerisms so I prefer not to be around them (and this isn't a lie, it's true), so that the guy would have no doubts in his mind that I was 100% serious.

 

That said, I'm glad you guys talked it out. Are you okay with adoption? How serious is he about that idea?

[limichelle]

Hi,

 

Yes he was very serious about adoption.

 

I told him I didn't want kids, not even adopted kids.

 

He told me that was fine and thanked me for being honest with him.

 

Lisa

[Jibralta]

This is a nice idea on paper but in reality, it's very difficult to get sterilized as a woman if you don't have kids already, and even then, some doctors may not do it. It's easier for men for some reason to get approval for a vasectomy.

 

I got sterilized at 26 but I found a VERY progressive doctor. By all means, if you want to get sterilized, do your best to find a doctor who is willing, but there is no guarantee.

 

Yeah, it's even a pain in the *** to get an IUD before you're 35. They try to talk you out of it! Really frustrating.

[Fudgie]

Yeah, it's even a pain in the *** to get an IUD before you're 35. They try to talk you out of it! Really frustrating.

 

yup, I had an IUD prior to sterilization - only reason I was "permitted" to get it was because I had a medical reason (I was having major surgery and couldn't be on oral BC). If I had just wanted an IUD for the sake of it, NOPE, they would have denied me.

 

Sorry, I think it's very messed up. As long as an adult woman is competent to understand the risks and has EVERYTHING explained to her and she signs off on her understanding, I don't know why they can't have a choice in their own freaking bodies.

[Wiseman2]

It may be better to just state your stance rather than think and plan for him with preemptive strikes such as "ask over Skype if he wants to be with someone who can give him that option"

 

Just say kids aren't in the cards for you. He can decide for himself what to do with that information rather than adding tremendous breakup-like sounding drama to it by suggesting he may want to find someone else.

He has expressed to me though from the beginning his parents want grandchildren as he is their only child. As for himself he is unsure.

[limichelle]

I was able to get my hysterectomy due to medical problems at 31 but it was a last resort procedure after I tried everything else including the IUD.

 

Wiseman:

That's exactly how I approached it just by telling him I don't want kids or see kids in my future.

 

He said he wants to keep our relationship going because it's a good one and that kids won't be an issue for him if later on we become serious.

 

 

Lisa