He Hasn't Asked Me Out Yet, But I'm Not Sure What I Would Do If He Did.

[ClaireDarling]

I met this guy and we've been hanging out a lot. Like, i hung out with him Friday, Saturday, Sunday morning, and last night/this morning.

I spent the night with him on Saturday and he spent the night last night.

I'm not expecting him to ask me out or anything since it's still very early in whatever this is, but I'm starting to get a little nervous because I haven't done this before.

Also, I'm afraid he'll lose interest or something.

 

Last night, he asked if I'd mentioned him to anyone and I have, but not in detail. Mainly because I don't want to be like, "Yeah, we're really getting close." And then all of a sudden things go south. He's mentioned me to his friends and he even mentioned that maybe I could go on a Christmas trip with him and his family.

We also talked a lot about our families and the similarities and also the differences.

 

I've never been this comfortable with someone before. Usually I prefer guys to leave because I don't want them sleeping over and I'm not a fan of cuddling, but it feels really different with him.

 

We haven't spent time together in public yet. We were getting back to campus today and we didn't kiss goodbye or anything. We just hugged, which is fine with me, but idk.

 

I guess I'm trying to figure out what I should be doing. How much time is too much to spend together? How often should I message him? Do couples (or people who are flirting) go days without talking? Should we set up a date outside of each other's places? Should he meet my friends?

 

I just don't want to annoy him or mess things up. I really want to ask him how he feels about our situation, but I'm afraid if I bring it up, I either won't like th answer, or it'll cause me to overthink more than I already am.

[lostandhurt]

Can you clarify some things?

 

Have you had sex with him?

 

Have you kissed?

 

Who initiated these "hang out" sessions?

 

Who contacts who first in the day?

 

Lost

[Wiseman2]

Only message in a volley-like fashion, he texts, you text, etc. Don't overdo the messaging. Yes go on dates rather than only hooking up at each other's place.

 

Do not saturate things with marathon sleepovers whether it's for sex or not. Yes begin socializing with each other's friends etc.

I've never been this comfortable with someone before. How much time is too much to spend together? How often should I message him? Should we set up a date outside of each other's places?

[ClaireDarling]

Can you clarify some things?

 

Have you had sex with him?

 

Have you kissed?

 

Who initiated these "hang out" sessions?

 

Who contacts who first in the day?

 

Lost

 

Yes, we have had sex and kissed. He's initiated hanging out each time. And at first, he would contact me, usually later in the day, closer to night time. Now, it just depends. I do believe he's messaged me first more than I have messaged him first. But, also our text conversations aren't as long, but I'm sure that's probably because we've actually hung out.

[Ms Darcy]

Yes, we have had sex and kissed. He's initiated hanging out each time. And at first, he would contact me, usually later in the day, closer to night time. Now, it just depends. I do believe he's messaged me first more than I have messaged him first. But, also our text conversations aren't as long, but I'm sure that's probably because we've actually hung out.

 

If you have the courage to get naked with him and let him do the hokey pokey, then you should be able to ask him whatever you want. Grow up girlie.

[lostandhurt]

It isn't that early and in fact he needs to ask you out.

 

You have had sex so it is time to get to some of the dating part of dating. You know spending time together that doesn't include sex. Pretty hard to get to know someone with their tongue in your mouth isn't it?

 

If he asks to hang out again suggest dinner first or some other activity. It is to early to ask serious questions but you need to steer this thing in a direction you want. Have you discussed what you are looking for? Relationship?, casual thing?, serious?

 

Lost

[ClaireDarling]

I think we're both looking for a relationship.

 

Yesterday was weird though. After we parted ways after spending the night with each other again, we didn't talk at all until I messaged him at like midnight. He said he was stressed and stuff and that he'd talk to me later.

He said he doesn't have a problem with me and when I mentioned lunch with him and his friends today, he said "maybe".

Hs also said he wanted to talk to me about something, but in person as opposed to over text. And before I fell asleep, I asked him what he was thinking about and he said he was thinking about me.

 

My friend thinks he's acting "off".

 

Have I messed this up already?

[lostandhurt]

This whole thing seems like you are both doing it backwards. Time to reset the whole thing.

 

When you have this talk in person make sure you are not in bed with him! Let him say his piece and then you need to speak up yourself. Tell him that the way you two got together was kind of backwards with no real dating and getting to know each other and you would like to spend time doing things together so that you both can learn what is important to each of you.

 

I wouldn't say you messed anything up. See what he says when you talk and be strong and be sure to stand up and don't be afraid of telling him what you want.

 

Lost

[ClaireDarling]

I guess I don't really have to worry about that anymore. This was short lived.

 

We didn't talk too terribly much today. But he mentioned one of his friends finally asked out the girl he was interested in and we were talking about that. Then he mentioned that he wanted to talk to me about something.

 

He sent a message saying, "I really like you, I enjoy our time together, even without sex... but I don't know if I'm right for you... my life is a mess, my mind is gone, and I don't think I can give you everything you deserve in a relationship... you're an amazing girl and I love having you in my life... I just don't know if I can follow a relationship right now... not with what's happening. This isn't saying that I want you to leave, I don't, not by any means. I just don't want you to have to wait for me. And I feel like until I get my life fixed, that I'll be holding you back."

 

Then when I didn't respond, he said he was sorry for upsetting me and that he just thought I should know.

[JaggerJim]

Lame. Lame. Lame.

 

Girl, I wouldn't be going back. He only wants you for sex now.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Lose his number, he's a jerk.

He sent a message saying, "I really like you, I enjoy our time together, even without sex... but I don't know if I'm right for you... my life is a mess, my mind is gone, and I don't think I can give you everything you deserve in a relationship.

[HeartGoesOn]

And I feel like until I get my life fixed, that I'll be holding you back."

 

Of course there was nothing wrong with his "life and mind" when he had sex with you. At any rate, if you're looking for a relationship you're better off actually dating and getting to know one another, before hitting the sheets.

 

Lesson learned...Hopefully.

[ClaireDarling]

I'm not defending him at all because you guys are right. After I kind of got my mind together, I asked him to explain and he sent a wall of text explaining the things going on in his life. Most of it is money, family, and grades related.

 

I agree, sex shouldn't have happened and if he was so upset before, he certainly didn't show it. But I did mention before that he cancelled twice due to being stressed, but decided to come over anyway a few hours after cancelling.

 

I'm an honest upfront person and I expect others to be as well. I told him exactly what I thought and that if was trying to push me away, he should just let me know. And if he's not trying to do that, then that's pretty much what's happening anyway. He said that's not his intention and he apologized. I told him that it just seemed like a polite way of saying "You're nice, but I'm not really into it" and he said that he can't say that because he is into me and that I'm amazing, but he just can't take on a full relationship.

 

I don't know. I'm torn. He seemed genuine and I know he's been having a few troubles with his car and money. I think he just might have been focusing more on this than the important stuff and reality slapped him in the face.

I can honestly say I don't know when or if he's done any type of school work since we started talking. So maybe he's taking a step back because of that.

[lostandhurt]

Let's say everything he said is true.

 

You want a REAL relationship and he isn't capable of one. Case closed it would seem right? Except you want it to work so much that you are willing to compromise what you want.

 

It happens to a lot of us but how many actually work out like we hope they will?

 

Lost

[ClaireDarling]

I don't know what I want. I don't want to say I want a REAL relationship because I don't know what that means. I've never had one.

 

I guess I'm just not very good at giving up. That sounds bad, but I've had so many people just give up on me when I'm going through a bad time, when I'm upset, when I push them away because I'm afraid of not being able commit or whatever.

 

An he very well may not want this at all, and that's fine. But I don't want to just abandon him if by some chance he is having a hard time. Even if I'm just his friend.

[boltnrun]

Next you'll be saying he's "depressed". Or "afraid of commitment".

 

My friend put up with her husband having one affair after another. She justified it by saying he had sex with multiple women and lied to her about it because he was "depressed". She said "how can I leave him when he's HURTING so badly???!!!" Yeah, he's so hurt and depressed he can barely even force himself to stick his penis into all those vaginas! Poor guy!!!

 

You're really reaching for excuses to try to hold onto this guy. Except, he doesn't want to be held onto, except for when he wants some sex or commitment-free companionship.

 

Aim higher.

[ClaireDarling]

I know I should aim higher and I know I'm making excuses.

 

Last night we were kind of talking. He was tipsy or drunk and he wasn't really making coherent sentences. He makes wine and I told him I'd like to try some and he said maybe we could make it at my place and I said maybe, if you're nice to me. Just joking and he sent back a smiley face and I was thinking, well darn. And I laughed it off and said "oh dang, shut down huh?" And he just responded with "yea..." I'm still not sure if he knows what I was talking about or not because again, his conversation skills last night weren't the greatest.

Then, I decided to take advantage of this opportunity of him being slightly intoxicated and honest and asked him one last time what he thought about me. He said that I'm "f***ing awesome." Then he immediately said, in just not ready for a relationship.

I was polite. I said thank you for being honest, at least now I know the "relation'ship'" has sailed. Just joking around again, but feeling a little peeved.

Then he added, yeah I'm not saying I won't want one in a few months. I just don't want one now.

For whatever reason, that statement pissed me off. I went off. Not in an angry way, but I told him I was done.

And he, I guess realizing I was serious and not just joking started asking me why and if that means I don't want to talk to him and what did he do wrong and all of this stuff and I basically told him that I'm not going to stick around and wait for someone who gives me slivers of hope and takes them away at the same time. Someone who tells me they miss me and are so into me, but isn't willing to commit and someone who tells me to be their friend but gets upset when I treat them like a friend. I told him I'm done. And I want to believe I am. Because I can't do that anymore. I can't be friends with someone like that.

[lostandhurt]

Good for you. Now sticking to it is the hard part. Hopefully he will not contact you again.

 

He doesn't know what he wants right now so what will 2 or 3 months do to change that? People that do not know what they want shouldn't be dating. It hurts to many people plain and simple.

 

You may have never been in a relationship before that doesn't mean you don't want one. I have never been to Fiji but I want to go there. See my point?

 

Wanting better for yourself is a very good thing, remember that. You are a valuable woman with dreams and passion so don't sell yourself short.

 

Lost

[Wiseman2]

I have never been to Fiji but I want to go there.

 

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