I just turned 18 and hes 34. Things went wrong

[rhiday]

Hi everyone. I think I posted a few weeks ago about this situation and I needed more advice. I'm 18 and I just started college and moved out on my own this year. I started talking to this guy and he's 34. At first he was really secretive which was a redflag and I posted about it here. But in the following weeks he opened up A LOT and being the idiotic 18 year old I am, I continued talking to him.

 

Over the weeks things escalated and crashed and burned like they were supposed to (he's 34 and I'm 18), I slept with him and midway through he stopped and said he had it wasn't right and then he just got up left. We didn't talk for a while (I decided to just end it, which was hard because I genuinely liked him) and then all of a sudden his friend called me to tell me I'm ruining his life and basically his friends been harassing me over the phone for the last week and his friend had personal details about everything I've done with this guy and I feel exposed. The next day after his friend called, he called me to tell me he's dating someone else and he starts ranting off about her and I feel like he knows this would hurt me and he's doing it on purpose.

 

 

I tried moving on and in one scenario he threatened to tell my roommates about me and him. (I'm embarrassed and I don't want anyone knowing).

I feel like I'm getting emotionally toyed with and I kind of brought that on myself but I was wondering if anyone had any advice on how I can stop getting calls and I can move on with my life. I'm having a hard time connecting with people my own age recently, I turned down dates. I feel dirty and manipulated and used and I'm not sure how to go on from this and he isn't making it easy by spending hours spamming me. I blocked his number and then he'd call my land-line and if I don't answer that, in one case, he showed up to my apartment unannounced. I live with two guys so I didn't feel too threaten I just don't know why he didn't sleep with me but he still wants to toy with me..

 

 

Again, I brought this on myself. I can't tell my parents and I live on a on campus apartment so I feel like if I file a complaint, it'll get back to campus and then back to my parents. I'm really stuck and I feel really dumb but this is my freshman year of college and it's only the second month and I desperately want to move on from this and not let it ruin my whole year.

[butterfly45]

How bizarre and awful, I'm sorry to hear what you're going through.

 

Can you contact the Police and report harrassment? You've got the proof of all the calls on your phone. And most definitely file a complaint with the University, they should be able to help by making sure that he can't come onto campus etc.

 

Try to keep ignoring the threats. If that is all he has on you, that you dated an older man, that isn't so bad. At least if he carried them through by telling people, what other hold does he have on you? And lastly, but most importantly, have you explicitly said, it is over, I am not interested? If you have then you definitely have a case for filing a complaint.

[greta96]

The guy sounds like a mental case, so you'd do well to document everything (phone calls, messages, everything) in case things escalate. Your parents finding out is the least of your concerns right now, in fact I think you should tell them yourself and ask them for help. You need to report him and even go to the police about it, don't toy with this because for a 34 year old man to do this to an 18 year old, he must have some serious mental illness and you just don't play with these kind of people.

 

You haven't listened to the advice in the past, do yourself a favor and listen now.

[Hermes]

You said in other thread, Rhiday:

 

"The issue is I know nothing about him other than his occupation, phone number and what he looks like"

 

So, were you able to find out his full name, address and further details. Who are these "friends" of his? Do you know them? Where do they work?

 

I really think you need to report them and him for stalking. It is all very bizarre.

 

Also, I gather you were very conflicted about being at college, feeling homesick, then not feeling homesick, and then being depressed, not making friends etc. So perhaps you felt this man would fill the gap?

[Wiseman2]

Tell him and his friends to stop contact and that if he or his friends show up again you'll call the cops. Get a restraining order. Are you really over 18? What makes you think your parents "will find out"? Why can't you get help from campus security and campus counseling about what to do?

 

Eventually he'll show up at your folks house so it's incredibly foolish not to admit what happened to you and do something intelligent about it. Decent parent would be more concerned with your safety than having made a naive mistake.

 

It's also absurd that you believe that "I live with two guys so I'm safe" what if they are not home or you are out and about? It sounds like you're more afraid of your parents than him.

 

Where did you meet is he a teacher there?

his friends been harassing me over the phone for the last week. if I don't answer that, in one case, he showed up to my apartment unannounced.

 

I can't tell my parents and I live on a on campus apartment so I feel like if I file a complaint, it'll get back to campus and then back to my parents.

[Hermes]

I was going to ask same, W.

 

"Where did you meet is he a teacher there?"

 

The OP said she knew his occupation.

[rhiday]

He isn't a teacher. He works in construction

[Hermes]

How did you meet up?

 

Please heed the advice you are given on here.

 

You said in an earlier thread, and I expect this has to to do with how, and where, you first met up with this man. Loneliness is always a bad advisor.....

 

"I really enjoy the campus, the location, the aesthetic and the curriculum style but I'm not fitting in socially. I tend to isolate myself and I felt like I needed to not isolate myself but then I started feeling like everyone isolated me and I'm feeling discouraged and I'm wanting to hide away in my own interests.

 

There are NO clubs I want to join. I checked twice. I'm just having trouble socially. I enjoy this school but it's expensive. If I wanted isolation and no campus community or college experience I feel like I could've went to community college and stayed at home with my parents that way I could be at least somewhere familiar. I'm not dependent on people I just had a image of what I wanted college to be like. I feel like I'm being judged or not liked and I'm starting to take it personal. I'm a person who is very open to all types of people but I'm not feeling like I'm getting the same openness."

[Wiseman2]

Still get help from campus security and counseling and tell him and his goons you'll call the cops.

He isn't a teacher. He works in construction

[Andrina]

That's scary stalking behavior. Your safety is more important than feeling embarrassed or chided for your decision to date a much older man. As an adult now, I wish when I was teen, that I had reported a dangerous stranger who I believe made an attempt to abduct me. I didn't want the negative attention and wanted to forget about it. As an adult, I am now aware of how the sexual predator may have ended up sexually abusing another child, that I could've possibly helped to prevent.

 

By reporting him, you will be helping yourself by getting a record of his abhorrent behavior, and possibly prevent harm to yourself and other women. His behavior might escalate and get more dangerous than you can predict. Do not let him into the apartment. Call the police and tell them you feel like you are in danger. In the meantime, report him. Tell your parents and if they yell at you, so what? Tell them you've learned from your mistake and won't let it happen again.

 

Don't date anyone right now. Even if everyone else is doing so right now, you're not emotionally ready to date. Get some school counseling if you feel it will help you with any emotional problems you're having right now. I went to college. You barely have any free time with all of the studying you have to do. Concentrate on that. You can't concentrate when you've getting involved with inappropriate men. Always remember that if a man past age 27, at this point in your life, is interested in you, there is something wrong with him. A ten or more year age-gap for people past 30 is a different story, but you're still a teen and the maturing of the brain is still ongoing and shouldn't be so appealing to a mature, emotionally healthy man over age 27. Take care.

[ThatwasThen]

A 34 year old gets "a friend" to harass you? This sounds too bazaar for a 34 year old to be acting or to be true even.

Report him to the police and tell this so called friend that if he calls you again you will send all of the phone calls you recorded and the written correspondence to the police for them to handle. Go to your schools legal department and ask them to draw up a cease and desist letter and hand it to the creep next time he gets anywhere near you.

 

Did you find out his last name? Can you do a background check on him and have him served with the letter?

[ThatwasThen]

He isn't a teacher. He works in construction

 

You didn't say where you met him.

[Hermes]

It sounds more bizarre by the minute.

 

Rhiday, where are you from? country I mean. I believe Rhiday is a man's first name......

[Ms Darcy]

As someone mentioned, you don't listen to advice. Are you seriously planning to take advice or are you just going to run off and date again when you get some attention?

[Wiseman2]

Where did you have sex if you live in a dorm? His place?

I have mixed feelings and I really need advice.

 

I started college a few weeks ago and the honeymoon period of being away from my family is gone. I'm really homesick. I spent my high school life working so hard and worrying about getting into and now that I'm here I don't really have much to obsess over and worry about. It's honestly weird.

 

I've also been visiting home and and my bedroom feels foreign and makes me want to go back to my dorm but when I wake up in the morning at my dorm I'm normally clouded with how much I'd like to be at home to the point where it puts me in a depression. I'm conflicted between two places because neither feels like home anymore. I'm stuck on what should I do...

[HeartGoesOn]

Under review.