Why is he doing this?

[Butterflyxx]

Me and my ex broke up a week ago.

He wasn't the best boyfriend & didn't put much effort in.

I'd see him once a week and he saw his mates 5 times or so.

We never went on dates etc.

We've broken up twice before (he broke up with me) & both times he regretted it, put more effort in for a month or so and went back to his old ways.

 

When we broke up last week, he told me he wanted me to block him on social media as it would apparently kill him to see me move on.

 

Anyway, we haven't spoken in a week and last night I was out at a pub with some friends. I put pictures on social media with the location as to where I was.

An hour later, whilst I was still at the pub, my ex put a picture of him stood outside the pub saying 'walks' or something...

He was invited to come with us by my friend, but obviously declined.

In addition, he doesn't have any friends who goes near this pub, nor does he ever go near that side of town, so we were all very confused why he was doing that as it's a long way for him to walk from his house.

He was probably on his own.

Anyway, I'm so confused why he did this and I have a feeling he was worried that I'd be around other males (he gets very jealous), and maybe he wanted to look through the window or something.

We haven't spoken since last week when he was very upset and he kept telling me he didn't want to talk to me.

What shall I do?

I don't want to upset him in anyway.

The thing is... when we were together he would go out loads to pubs etc with his mates (male and female in a group) & I'd never bat an eyelid, yet when I go out for the first time and have fun, he's being weird about it.

I just for some reason feel bad, I don't want to upset him if I have. I'd hate to know he's lonely or upset.

[Wiseman2]

If he declined to come along it's doubtful he's stalking you. Just block him, stay no contact and keep doing what you're doing, enjoying time with friends, etc. and ignore him.

 

Block him rather than broadcast your location, secretly hoping he'll show up.

I was out at a pub with some friends. I put pictures on social media with the location as to where I was. He was invited to come with us by my friend, but obviously declined. We haven't spoken since last week when he was very upset and he kept telling me he didn't want to talk to me.

[DancingFool]

What he asked - block him on social media and quit talking to him. Also, ask your friends not to invite him along, bring him up to you, or tell him where you might be hanging out.

 

You just broke up, of course things are going to be weird and best way to avoid that is to stop all forms of contact, especially social media.

[Birdie]

You're overthinking this hoping it means something. Maybe it does, maybe it doesn't. Only he knows.

 

What you do is you block him everywhere so you can't see these posts. If your friends bring up his postings or updates about him you say "Do you mind if we don't discuss X? I'm still getting over our breakup and would prefer not to hear what he's up to" and change the subject "oh did you get your hair cut?/how was y?". Redirect the conversation on that person...people love talking about themselves.

 

And do not contact him, for his sake and yours. You both are hurting, but need to move on.

[Butterflyxx]

If he declined to come along it's doubtful he's stalking you. Just block him, stay no contact and keep doing what you're doing, enjoying time with friends, etc. and ignore him.

 

Block him rather than broadcast your location, secretly hoping he'll show up.

 

I have blocked him just how he wanted. My friends put pictures on with their location, and they have him on social media.

[Butterflyxx]

What he asked - block him on social media and quit talking to him. Also, ask your friends not to invite him along, bring him up to you, or tell him where you might be hanging out.

 

You just broke up, of course things are going to be weird and best way to avoid that is to stop all forms of contact, especially social media.

 

I have blocked him and I don't talk to him. I didn't realise they asked him until later when I was at the pub.

[Wiseman2]

All you can do is stop posting pics of yourself with the location and avoid/ignore him.

I put pictures on social media with the location as to where I was.

[HeartGoesOn]

Anyway, we haven't spoken in a week and last night I was out at a pub with some friends. I put pictures on social media with the location as to where I was.

An hour later, whilst I was still at the pub, my ex put a picture of him stood outside the pub saying 'walks' or something...

 

If he wants to get back together, it certainly won't happen by playing social media picture games. Why not take the high road by acting like an adult, and focus on moving forward?

[Butterflyxx]

If he wants to get back together, it certainly won't happen by playing social media picture games. Why not take the high road by acting like an adult, and focus on moving forward?

 

I can't move forward. I really wish I had him back.

I haven't been playing any social media games. I wasn't the one to post the pictures and to put the location on, it was my friends.

[Edmund Exley]

He wasn't the best boyfriend & didn't put much effort in.

I'd see him once a week and he saw his mates 5 times or so.

We never went on dates etc.

We've broken up twice before (he broke up with me) & both times he regretted it, put more effort in for a month or so and went back to his old ways.

 

And you wish you had him back why?

[Wiseman2]

I can't move forward. I really wish I had him back.

Everyone misses someone after breakups, but this type of thing won't work to get him back:

I put pictures on social media with the location as to where I was.

[Butterflyxx]

And you wish you had him back why?

 

I got used to all of that. I miss the familiarity of him and he wasn't all that bad.

[pippy longstocking]

darling I am sorry , I feel like I just abandoned you , I have *stuff * going on and haven't posted for a few days ..

 

This is how it works ..he expected you , as usual , to be begging him , apologising to him and kissing his @ss , you didn't ... that will have shocked him , he lost the control , so now he is playing childish games to get you back on board ...and he will get you right back there and then treat just as he always treat you ..like crap .. You have to keep on going with your head held high , you have gone through possibly the worst couple of weeks ever , please don't slip backwards . I know it would be easier in many ways to just let yourself go back , but you will go back to the same as it always was , only this time his behavior will be worse and he will make your life hell , you have to stay strong my darling , he is a no good piece of sh1t and you are indeed a beautiful butterfly and you deserve real love ..not him xxxxx

[pippy longstocking]

I got used to all of that. I miss the familiarity of him and he wasn't all that bad.

 

it is very normal for us to remember the good ... you know from our pm's some of the bad that happened to me , well even that man I told you about had his good bits and we had times that where good . Everyone on here will tell you the same . We start to forget the bullsh1t and the cruel behavior and start to convince ourselves it wasn't so bad , there where good times , maybe that can be worked on , we remember gentle and loving moments and convince ourselves that this far outweighs the bad ...but the reality is the bad far far far outweighs the good , that's why it ended . What you feel and what you are convincing yourself of is what we all do , I want you to know this is all part of the normal process darling xx much love , I know this is hard .

 

We can't tell you what to do or what to think so just be careful , this is when you are at your weakest x

[Hermes]

You CAN move forward Butterfly. You must move forward. As I once read someone say in a similar situation to yours: "Don't look back, because the view sure ain't pretty".

 

It is a terrible truth that people can get so used to abuse that they begin to accept it as normal. It's called trauma bonding.

 

Get as much help as you can B.

[pippy longstocking]

You CAN move forward Butterfly. You must move forward. As I once read someone say in a similar situation to yours: "Don't look back, because the view sure ain't pretty".

 

It is a terrible truth that people can get so used to abuse that they begin to accept it as normal. It's called trauma bonding.

 

Get as much help as you can B.

 

it is a terrible truth hermes you are right there ...others can;t work out why one stays in bad relationships , but you have to walk the walk , cos it does become normal ..

[pippy longstocking]

For us butterfly my little lamb pot it is easy reading , we know exactly what he is doing and what you will go back to ....for you , you are just stuck in this hell and want it all to be ok again .. this is why I say to be careful ..because you are like a little lion cub right now with a big bad fooker getting ready to pounce ..oh I am so annoyed at him.

[Butterflyxx]

For us butterfly my little lamb pot it is easy reading , we know exactly what he is doing and what you will go back to ....for you , you are just stuck in this hell and want it all to be ok again .. this is why I say to be careful ..because you are like a little lion cub right now with a big bad fooker getting ready to pounce ..oh I am so annoyed at him.

I was so determined to message him or to try and get into contact with him, but after I thought it through I knew I would be doing what he wanted me to.

Have you got my recent pm? I'm not too sure if it delivered as I've been having some troubles sending it for some reason.

 

I completely understand what everyone is saying. All my family are telling me to ignore it but it's so difficult. I feel like I've done something wrong for going out. I really hope I haven't upset him god I feel so pathetic for being this way, I just care for him so much and I'd hate to have hurt him.

[Butterflyxx]

You CAN move forward Butterfly. You must move forward. As I once read someone say in a similar situation to yours: "Don't look back, because the view sure ain't pretty".

 

It is a terrible truth that people can get so used to abuse that they begin to accept it as normal. It's called trauma bonding.

 

Get as much help as you can B.

How do I move forward? I feel like I can't do anything or go out anywhere in case he finds out or I upset him.

[Butterflyxx]

darling I am sorry , I feel like I just abandoned you , I have *stuff * going on and haven't posted for a few days ..

 

This is how it works ..he expected you , as usual , to be begging him , apologising to him and kissing his @ss , you didn't ... that will have shocked him , he lost the control , so now he is playing childish games to get you back on board ...and he will get you right back there and then treat just as he always treat you ..like crap .. You have to keep on going with your head held high , you have gone through possibly the worst couple of weeks ever , please don't slip backwards . I know it would be easier in many ways to just let yourself go back , but you will go back to the same as it always was , only this time his behavior will be worse and he will make your life hell , you have to stay strong my darling , he is a no good piece of sh1t and you are indeed a beautiful butterfly and you deserve real love ..not him xxxxx

 

Thank you so much. That message made me cry of happiness. You're truly a wonderful and strong person, I admire you so much. Thank you xxx

[pippy longstocking]

I was so determined to message him or to try and get into contact with him, but after I thought it through I knew I would be doing what he wanted me to.

Have you got my recent pm? I'm not too sure if it delivered as I've been having some troubles sending it for some reason.

 

I completely understand what everyone is saying. All my family are telling me to ignore it but it's so difficult. I feel like I've done something wrong for going out. I really hope I haven't upset him god I feel so pathetic for being this way, I just care for him so much and I'd hate to have hurt him.

 

just catching up pm wise , so I will pm you x

you are not pathetic ... not at all and at the end of the day darling you are 18 and been with him for two years and was friends before that and us oldies have to remember this , some of us have been through this many times so we have to show the younger generation some kindness and empathy .

 

Can you see the control yourself ...you felt bad for going out ..ok lets look at that ..you are so programmed to think of him first and his feelings that even when you do a normal thing ..hang with friends , your mind has gone straight away to what it is used to ...what he wants ..what makes him feel ok , what might upset him , what effect it will have on him ... what about you ..YOU .....his mind didn't go to you when he was comforting his ex , when he was gaming , when he was out with his friends ... you got your once a week time with him and that had to be enough no matter what you wanted ...... Believe me the only thing that is hurt is his pride and I am sorry to say that does make me feel smug x

[Butterflyxx]

just catching up pm wise , so I will pm you x

you are not pathetic ... not at all and at the end of the day darling you are 18 and been with him for two years and was friends before that and us oldies have to remember this , some of us have been through this many times so we have to show the younger generation some kindness and empathy .

 

Can you see the control yourself ...you felt bad for going out ..ok lets look at that ..you are so programmed to think of him first and his feelings that even when you do a normal thing ..hang with friends , your mind has gone straight away to what it is used to ...what he wants ..what makes him feel ok , what might upset him , what effect it will have on him ... what about you ..YOU .....his mind didn't go to you when he was comforting his ex , when he was gaming , when he was out with his friends ... you got your once a week time with him and that had to be enough no matter what you wanted ...... Believe me the only thing that is hurt is his pride and I am sorry to say that does make me feel smug x

I understand he put himself first and if this was anyone else in my situation I'd tell them to put themselves first, but I care about him so much, and I'd rather miss out on things just to make him happy. I sound stupid... my family all said I was and that he's still controlling me but I don't know how to do things for myself again.

Im always scared that he'll get upset. I'm so used to putting him first before myself, that I feel ever so guilty for putting myself first.

[Wiseman2]

Your family and friends are right. Live your life, enjoy your freedom and stop acting like this guy owns you. He doesn't care, otherwise you would still be together. Try not to project your own feeling on him.

my family are telling me to ignore it but it's so difficult. I feel like I've done something wrong for going out. I really hope I haven't upset him

[Hermes]

" He doesn't care, otherwise you would still be together. "

 

So true.

 

OP:

 

" I don't know how to do things for myself again."

 

Of course you will, Butterfly. You start with one thing and keep going.

[Hermes]

Oh Butterfly:

 

"in case he finds out or I upset him."

 

and you don't want "to hurt him".

 

So what if he gets upset! His problem not yours.

 

You have been brainwashed, B. And, as with any kidnap victim, de-programming takes time. But you will get there.