After months of NC....I broke it

[ShannonM10]

Long story, but I finally gave into my urges and broke NC. Said all the things I wanted to say and not in an overly emotional way. Here is what I wrote:

 

Hey -----, I have debated for a long time if I should reach out to you, and finally realized I would always regret it if I didnt. You were such a huge part of my life and I miss having you in it, but I am not ready for friendship yet as I am still too hurt by what happened.

 

There have been so many things that have happened that I have wanted to share with you and I do hope one day I can do that. I just wanted you to know that I finally got to ride the snowboard you got me in New Zealand..and it was everything I could have dreamed of. I hope your Dad is doing ok and I think of everyone in your family often. Please know that you meant alot to me...and I really do feel like we had a real connection. I still struggle with how things played out, the decisions that were made and the pain it caused. If you want to talk, you know how to reach me. Everything happens for a reason and I do hope you found the happiness you wanted.

 

I felt positive about the message, as it summarizes everything Ive felt for the last few months...and I still deeply care for him and his family. As I kinda expected, no response. Which hurts..and makes me feel like I really did mean nothing to him. There could be a million reasones why there isnt a response...but Id like to hope spending such a lengthy time together and all that we shared ment something to him that he would have some reaction from it. I guess thats the issue in the end. Is now I know I did everything in my power to be the bigger person and I can walk away knowing I tried to be nice. I know I will be berated for hindering my progress, but its something I had been debating on doing for months and months and knew I would have to do it eventually. Anyways...thanks for all the support guys. I am struggling today because I feel hurt and rejected again...and that he cared that little...but its also been a long time...and dont know what he could really say to make up for what happened. I guess an apology would have been nice. But I dont think he is sorry for anything. I can walk away now, and hopefully never look back.

[Chon]

I don't think it's a horrendous thing to try and derive some sense of self closure here. Now the only thing is to move on and accept that this is it.

 

When we don't hear any responses, I think it's a very human response to assume that they no longer care. That may be true, but it could also be the furthest thing from the truth. Think about it this way, why did you go NC? Because you realise it's beneficial for the both of you. The same applies if he decides not to respond even if he wanted to.

 

It may have been a long time, but evidently it's not long enough.

[boltnrun]

What people often don't realize is that the person not responding is actually kinder.

 

If he'd responded, it would have gotten your hopes up. You'd be analyzing..."What did he MEAN when he said he hopes I am doing well? Does it mean he misses me? Will I hear from him again? Should I reply to his response??"

 

Him not responding means you will stop where you're at and won't build up false hope. So, believe it or not it's actually better for you.

[jennylove]

I'm sorry. This really hurts. But take it and accept it, you really have no other choice. He wasn't for you and you weren't for him. None of this will matter to you in a year or so and when you're on your deathbed, you won't even remember his name. I often need to remind myself of this and it does help. Concentrate on the ppl who are in your life.

[Seymore]

I am struggling today because I feel hurt and rejected again...and that he cared that little...but its also been a long time...and dont know what he could really say to make up for what happened. I guess an apology would have been nice. But I dont think he is sorry for anything. .

 

So now you can agonize for months - or at least weeks over these things. All over again. Do you understand why NC is important? And I think one thing people don't get is:

 

If you want to talk, you know how to reach me.

 

They always know how to reach you, if they really want to. If you block them they can even show up at your doorstep (It's happened, I can attest to that).

 

And someone else also said that it's kinder to not respond. I completely agree with that. Even if he replied "Thanks for that" and NOTHING else, do you see how those three words would have you analyzing, pondering and agonizing? It doesn't mean he's not sorry for anything - it could just as well mean that he's not trying to string you along because you've dated for a while and he KNOWS you. I know this because I was on the other end before. And I got labeled everything under the sun because I wouldn't respond, but hopefully one day she'll realize I KNEW HER, and I knew that NC was the way to go for both of us.

[DancingFool]

What people often don't realize is that the person not responding is actually kinder.

 

If he'd responded, it would have gotten your hopes up. You'd be analyzing..."What did he MEAN when he said he hopes I am doing well? Does it mean he misses me? Will I hear from him again? Should I reply to his response??"

 

Him not responding means you will stop where you're at and won't build up false hope. So, believe it or not it's actually better for you.

 

^This x1000

 

I've gotten some similar heartfelt, kind, nice messages from ex's I've dumped in the past. I would never respond precisely because of the above. It's not that I didn't care, it's that I cared enough not to lead on or give any kind of false hope. Messages like that almost always read like unfinished business, like they still haven't moved on and talking seems a bit like renewing old wounds. Best to let sleeping dogs lie in peace.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it sounds like a double-edged sword in that you got closure but felt hurt by not getting a reply to your heartfelt communication. Your relationship probably was valid at the time, but when things end they end for a reason.

 

Perhaps now you have set yourself free after a year of thinking about this and can finally start to date again and share your life with someone more suited for you.

I felt positive about the message, as it summarizes everything Ive felt for the last few months...As I kinda expected, no response. Which hurts..and makes me feel like I really did mean nothing to him.

[emptyeffort]

you shouldve gotten in what you wanted to say way earlier. back when i was in this position and i had still things left to say over which i would obsess about for years if i dont get them out. it was 2 weeks into the breakup. i let everything out i wanted to say. thought for days about it. things i wanted her to know before its good bye. after that i went into strict no contact. its been a year since.

 

this now is a step back. part of your progression over the few months is gone now and you have to regain that part again. be happy he isnt answering and you shouldnt give him the chance to reach out anyway. you cannot be friends with someone you still care for in this way. you staying in contact is your mind deluding yourself that there is a chance. you cannot close that chapter if you keep in contact. you will make no progress. hope he doesnt answer.

[ShannonM10]

He did responded..called me the next night while walking "her" dog at 1130 at night, so obviously behind her back. He proceeded to bring up our relationship, how he thinks about what he did all the time still, how it was awful and he cant get it out of his head..so felt very guilty. Stated how hes wanted to message me so many times, thinks I should hate him, brought up memories and asked me about my family. Didn't mention her once or anything about her but went on about his family and mine. I really got the impression that he wasn't as happy with his situation as I had thought for so long. He then proceeded to message me after we got off the phone going on about how amazing It felt to speak with me, how he wants to talk to me more and would be in touch. I find out a week later that he gets engaged. I have never been so devastated in my life.

Not only did he manipulate me..and failed to tell me...he was a coward yet again and I had to find out another way, without even trying to find out. How can you get engaged to someone when you feel that level of guilt, when you call your ex behind there back, when you were in my driveway 8 months prior talking about all your doubts with this person and you talk about regretting not trying and working on things. Can you really get married to someone that you've literally known for a yr?? Seriously? It felt like a lie, I spent 5 years wuith this person, he instantly replaced me..and is now engaged to her. All my friends laughed and said hes crazy, but it still made me feel sick and worthless...maybe it wont work out with them,,,and hes riding the honeymoon high still, but what a horrible thing to do...call your ex knowing your going to do that. Anyways, its all the closure I need to move forward now. It felt nice talking to him, but I wish he had been a stand up guy and honest. I feel cheated in the sense that I shared so much with him and it resulted in this, but its his life, all I know, is I would never want to be married to a man with morals like his.

[rich46]

He did responded..called me the next night while walking "her" dog at 1130 at night, so obviously behind her back. He proceeded to bring up our relationship, how he thinks about what he did all the time still, how it was awful and he cant get it out of his head..so felt very guilty. Stated how hes wanted to message me so many times, thinks I should hate him, brought up memories and asked me about my family. Didn't mention her once or anything about her but went on about his family and mine. I really got the impression that he wasn't as happy with his situation as I had thought for so long. He then proceeded to message me after we got off the phone going on about how amazing It felt to speak with me, how he wants to talk to me more and would be in touch. I find out a week later that he gets engaged. I have never been so devastated in my life.

Not only did he manipulate me..and failed to tell me...he was a coward yet again and I had to find out another way, without even trying to find out. How can you get engaged to someone when you feel that level of guilt, when you call your ex behind there back, when you were in my driveway 8 months prior talking about all your doubts with this person and you talk about regretting not trying and working on things. Can you really get married to someone that you've literally known for a yr?? Seriously? It felt like a lie, I spent 5 years wuith this person, he instantly replaced me..and is now engaged to her. All my friends laughed and said hes crazy, but it still made me feel sick and worthless...maybe it wont work out with them,,,and hes riding the honeymoon high still, but what a horrible thing to do...call your ex knowing your going to do that. Anyways, its all the closure I need to move forward now. It felt nice talking to him, but I wish he had been a stand up guy and honest. I feel cheated in the sense that I shared so much with him and it resulted in this, but its his life, all I know, is I would never want to be married to a man with morals like his.

Well, it seems like you got your closure.

 

I think most people go through this to-send-a-letter-or-not phase, even staunch proponents of NC such as myself, but my own view is that it is better to leave that can of worms firmly shut. It adds to the confusion, potentially sours the memories of the relationship, as in this case, and gives the ex an ego boost to know that you are taking so long to get over them.

 

Still, everyone is different, and maybe this kick in the guts will be the final spur to get over this break up.