Desire to be Friends with Ex-Girlfriend Eventually

[nyc23]

Hello.

 

A girl and I had been dating for 1.5-2 years. We were friends before that, beginning four years ago.

 

Very recently we broke up. Breaking was not something either of us wanted. Nevertheless, I won't lie, I am the one who made the decision, as painful as it was. In many ways, we had an idyllic relationship full of love. Very strong. Very much in love. In many ways it seemed we were perfect for one another. She wanted to have the marriage discussion. We did so. After reviewing the information, I did not feel we would be compatible marriage-wise and family-wise. (She disagreed.) (And yes, it's also partially on me that we didn't discuss sooner. But this was my first long-term relationship and things were going great.) Briefly we thought about trying to make it work, seeing what could happen over time, but I felt like that would only be postponing the inevitable, and would be unfair to her, as much as I wanted to keep the relationship going. It is extremely painful for both of us.

 

I would like to be friends with her eventually. I understand not right away. She requested No Contact, and I will respect that and adhere to it as far as a healing measure. Yet I would like to be friends again.

 

We have a lot in common, shared interests. We were even working on some creative projects together (including some put on hold but that I don't want to simply abandon forever). I just feel it could be a really great friendship again. It is rare for me to find someone I connect with so well. I'm talking here even about the pre-relationship days, during which time she became one of my best friends.

 

Also of note is that during the relationship she often mentioned that if we broke up, we should still stay friends, and I would agree. Now, she says we would see each other and remember the relationship and it would make it difficult to be friends. Thus no contact. (I think I could handle it, but what do I know.)

 

So, I'm looking for advice on how to proceed. Wait 6 months and contact? Wait a year? Find out from her friend if she is over me yet? How do I know when I am over her (I am not yet of course).

 

I know some people say, "Never try friendship with your ex!". I get it, I understand why such a thing is said. To the degree it is possible, though, what are my options? What are the pitfalls and what could make it work?

[pippy longstocking]

I know some people say, "Never try friendship with your ex!". I get it, I understand why such a thing is said. To the degree it is possible, though, what are my options? What are the pitfalls and what could make it work?

 

well first am foremost she doesn't want to be friends , she thought she did , then when you ended things the reality has hit her that it is just too painful . Not trying to be harsh but you ended it and it is unfair to contact her months down the line ..it is inappropriate to be friends when you both eventually meet someone else .For example if you became my boyfriend and told me you where about to contact your ex to build up the friendship I would walk away from you , pure and simple . If she has got a boyfriend I feel sure he wont be impressed that her ex is contacting her . You have no right to ever enter her life again , you didn't want her ....so leave her be .

[dave_1966]

I think that you show enormous emotional immaturity thinking for one minute that somebody you've dumped would want to be friends with you.

[IAmFCA]

I am friends with men whom I have dated.

 

Unless I really loved them.

 

The friendship you envision with your now ex would be so intimate, even as a platonic relationship, that the boundary between couple and not a couple would be thin. It may not be possible to rekindle the friendship that you seek.

 

There is no plan. Assume NC. In time, your feelings will evolve. You cannot know now what will be appropriate then. Let yourself change first. Stay NC as a habit. Make no future visions.

[boltnrun]

She has asked you to not contact her.

 

Unless she said "contact me in six months", please respect her request. Forever. Until she says otherwise.

[Hollyj]

Why wasn't she suitable to marry?

 

I would move on from this. Too difficult for most, unless the break was mutual.

[Kris92]

No. please don't contact her again ESP because she asked you not to. Don't bother. No one wants to be friends with the person who have hurt them like that, or at least not me.

[Seymore]

You're not in the right mindframe to even THINK about being friends with her, since you broke up very recently. Move on, sort your life out and if you even think of it by that time, THEN decide if you want her in your life at all.

[nyc23]

Thanks guys