5 days after beginning NC he wants to talk...Now what???

[dustinthewind]

Hey everyone...I think this site is addicting. I am on it so much now a days, it really helps to talk about what we are going through to each other..

 

UPDATE.... so as many of you know, my boyfriend broke up with me on Wednesday...5 days ago. ( link removed ) and I decided to give him what he wanted (mostly he said he was unhappy as we had been having petty fights..) So after begging and crying I came to my senses and just let him be. Let him live with his decision..full on NC for 5 days....I went out with friends, got busy...stuff like that.

 

WELL--> I came home last night and theres an email from him saying that he is haunted by what happened, and he really wants to talk, and see what im up to, and that hes really bummed and can't get his mind off me...he suggested meeting up for coffee. It sounds like he is really missing me. I DIDN"T WRITE BACK!....i think that he needs time to sit with his decision and realize what a mistake he made. He was a A## in a lot of ways...

 

THis morning, since I didn;t write back, there was an email begging me to reply...I just got it. And don't think I'm going to reply...just yet anyways..

 

MY question is...I am not too sure what the intention of the email is. I mean, if it's just to check in and talk, and catch up cause he misses me I'd rather not have any part of it..Id just rather heal and move on.. But if hes having second thoughts, I think we need to talk. There are things that he does that are unacceptable in our relationship (mainly maintaining cyber relationships with other girls) and i don't want to jump back into anything and then have the end result of being heartbroken happen again. I am just really unsure how to approach this whole thing. Should I write him back? I mean its been 5 days..thats not THAT long...keep ignoring him? ...but I don't want him to really just give up.... I might be kinda playing this game where I am ejoying having him sort of chasing me...Feels like I've gained back some sort of power..which is nice. I guess I like thinking that he is realizing what a mistake he made....

 

I just don't know what to do. I know that we could work as a couple, even have a great future together if we worked things out, but I don't want to get hurt again... SHould I wait? Should I write back?? Just Keep ignoring him and move on???? ANY IDEAS??

[lady00]

I think you should think hard about hearing him out...he had cyber relationships with other girls...isn't that a form of cheating? Isn't that what he also did right after the breakup...but now he says he was mourning the loss of the relationship during that time period? The chances that he has stopped all this in a matter of days are slim. Yes people change, but it takes time and work...

[just jeff]

dustinthewind,

 

I think it depends on what he is saying in his emails; and how much faith you have in him. If you don't think he is playing games…then reply when you feel comfortable. I know the feeling of them missing me…but that doesn't mean they've changed their mind.

 

Sometimes they do it out of guilt…and sometimes out of honest concern you aren't doing anything rash. I have decided to take the high path for once (maybe this is a sign that I am healing or just throwing in the towel because I can't take anymore pain), if there is ever going to be an "us" again then she will have to approach me and it will have to be more than a "Hey, how are you? I haven't seen or heard from you…please let me know how you are doing."

 

I have slid back so many times because I felt obligated to respond…when there shouldn't be any obligation at all. Every time I felt I was making progress in moving on with my life…she managed to knock me off course…I thought her attempts in communication were an indication there was hope…only to learn nothing had really changed.

 

It's a tough call on your part…I suggest you really think long and hard about it before doing anything; you know this person better than anyone here…plus all the ins and outs of the relationship. Be strong and decide what is best for you…and act accordingly…after all he is the one who left you holding the bag, turn about is fair play.

 

I wish you the best in your journey…

[Day_Walker]

It sounds like he is just being impulsive because he no longer has access to you and he wants that access back. It has been 5 days I seriuosly doubt he has had any serious revelations about the relationship or what it was. It seems like the best situation that you are moving forward and not responding to his emails.

[Beec]

Well, I think before you really make contact, you need to think about what you want. Then you should be figuring out how to get it. These are not simple things. And it may take time to figure out what you want. And it may take mroe time to figure out how to get what you want, once you know what it is that you do want.

 

I would reply to him, but tell him you need some time to think about what you want. Then I would figure it out and go get it.

[GettingOverIt]

I agree with Beec... Reply, but tell him yu need time to figure out what you want... If he really wants to work things out, then he will know you are worth waiting for... In the meantime, sit down and really think about what you want.... Jumping back into a relationship before you really weigh everything out can come back to bite you worse than the first time.... Of all the advice I could give, the advice I should have followed myself is this: Take it slow and figure out what you want first....

[codaaurora]

I agree with both here, while you may feel a need to respond for whatever reason (Guilt, indebtiness, love, power, not wanting to lose him), you need to first decide exactly what it is that you want.

 

You can't do this if you are listening to him tell you what HE wants. If it were me, I would respond saying thank you and I do want to talk, but I first need to take some time to really think about what I want. Then leave it at that and go and THINK.

 

Write out a pro and con list, write out what is acceptable to you and what isn't. Decide on what you want from a relationship. Someone on here told me that I need to realize that I deserve all of a man's attention, not just the left overs and that's what he was giving you. By having relationships with online girls (and this is cheating in it's own form), you were getting whatever was left over. I've been through that, don't do it.

 

Either way, whatever decision you make is the right decision for you right now. Only you know what you need. I wish you all the luck in the world.

[codaaurora]

Also, can I just say......Why didn't he just call you? Why the email? Is he afraid of confrontation? Is he more of a writer than a talker? Does he want control back by making you make the phone call? Hmmm, questions questions....

 

I just wonder because this is how my ex always gave me bad news (or good news afterwards), not via email, but over the phone and in voicemails, I got to a point back before Christmas that I didn't even want to answer my phone or listen to my messages. But then again this was when we were breaking up so it was very hurtful and painful on both sides...

 

Either way, his email definitely points to him having regrets.....but what kind of regrets? Is he afraid of being alone? Ask yourself these things and then decide what to do. Only you know him best. We can only point to what is on the surface. But as you know, first impressions can be deceiving.....

[shockeddismayed]

yah...I agree with you all...I think it might help if I attatch the first email he sent me (not the next to begging me to reply) SO here it is....

 

 

Dustinthewind...

 

You are getting very good advice. I'd agree with the others....

 

Remember that nothing you are going to do today or tomorrow is going to change how things *should* be. So there is no need to rush ANYTHING.... take a step back and see the bigger picture. If he really loves you, he's going to have to suck it up and endure a bit of pain.

 

You aren't even obligated to respond to him this week. You could simply wait till after the long weekend and (I assume you are in school) send him a reply like "sorry for the delayed response... I was crazy busy last week and needed to focus on school, then went home early for the weekend... What is on your mind?"

 

Maybe he'll open up and tell you a bit more... or at least you'll know whether a week of thinking about you has furthered his conviction.

 

After that, you'll want to prepare for any meeting that takes place. I'm sure Beec can give you some good advice on how you need to behave *during* the meeting.

 

PS: I like the sounds of his email... it sounds genuine, but I'd caution you to be very wary.... most times the dumper and dumpee BOTH go through ups and downs before they come to a *real* decision. He is panicking now... but only time will tell whether it was just a reaction, or truly came from his soul.

 

....but even if he doesn't come back, take some esteem boosting from his email... even at worst is shows you that you were a deeper, more important part of his life than he gave you credit for over the last little while.