monster inlaw or mother inlaw

[sssh]

not sure where to start but here goes.

 

i met my hubby 6something years ago, i only met his family a year after dating him and let me tell you it was not pleasant i was judged from the moment i walked in the door

she seemed ok at first so i developed a friendship with her. Her relationship with her husband was not ideal so she confided in me, being the only female around. i kept her secret. years passed her behavior changed towards me... she started passing comments about my huby and i [well at the time he was my boyfriend]. if he would kiss me or hold me she would get annoyed and ask if we cant leave each other alone, so he came to my house every day to see me and she put a stop to it. he only saw me 3 times a week with a time limit because of her. i dont blame anyone.,.. he allowed her to control him at the age of 23.

 

 

 

so he proposed to me finally and we actually hid it from her for about a month because she was wicked. the minute we told her we were engaged she was not even happy she asked me if i was pregnant or that my ring was ugly. which was a lie.

 

as the wedding preparations started she would cause issues and problems against us and make it a terrible time. on my wedding day she was the most miserable person, i have wedding pictures to prove.. i would cry and complain to my huby but he didnt take me seriously..they hated me for no reason i had no clue why because i had done nothing to this women to be honest. the more i told my husband the more he resented me, weird i know when i was not the wrong one.she cursed us and didnt even wish us well for when we got married,and he ignored her and never did stand up for me when he needed to.

 

now i am almost a year married and really unhappy with this women but the shocker is my husband is turning against me he actually says i made him hate his mother, and i swear i didnt. he says his family doesnt like him because of me.. what a slap in my face, i was the only one there for him when they threw him away, now it all comes down on my head. what do i do

[Wiseman2]

Many people don't get along with in-laws. How often do you have to see her? Stop complaining to your husband about her, that's his mother so you won't get anywhere that way.

 

His family sounds dysfunctional and he is in that mix. Avoid them if you can or any conversations about them. That's all you can do because you won't change them or him or any of their family dynamics.

 

Stop competing with them and claiming you "saved him from them" etc. Just focus on whether your marriage is working. Was it an arranged marriage?

the minute we told her we were engaged she was not even happy she asked me if i was pregnant. the more i told my husband the more he resented me, he says his family doesnt like him because of me.

Same situation?

[gebaird]

You married into a toxic family. You and your husband need counseling to be able to work through this.

[sssh]

its been really hard, he comes from an abusive home and 90% of our fights are because of her, she is his mother yes i will not turn him against her but i am his wife shouldnt that stand for something?shouldnt my feelings matter as much as hers does???

 

iv tried therapy it apparently bores him

[HeartGoesOn]

He swears and treats me terribly but to everyone else he is the perfect gentleman. I asked him to go to anger management or even therapy, he refuses. He degrades me calls me stupid and hurts my feelings telling me how other women would be better then I am.. he doesnt hold me or show any love towards me. I am so broken and so sad I am tired of fixing him aand always trying to be there for him when he isnt there for me. He swears me so ugly and when I cry he says I should go cry infront of someone who cares. Im so broken inside and I dont know where to turn. I love him with everything I have but apart of me hates him for hurting me.his excuse is that his tired and that he works hard.

 

^

The above is quoted from your previous thread. Unless he pulls a 180, along with addressing the issues with his family, this marriage is doomed. You deserve much better...

[Wiseman2]

Stop competing with her stop talking about her. You problem is his disregard and disrespect toward you. She is the least of your problems so stop making it about her. Does she live with you? Why is this such an issue for you?

90% of our fights are because of her. i am his wife shouldnt that stand for something?shouldnt my feelings matter as much as hers does

[abitbroken]

From the beginning, this family has really murky boundaries. Mom confiding in you about her husband just wasn't right.

that was a line that should not have been crossed.

 

I think this marriage was a mistake. If husband knew what his family was like and sided with you, you have a chance, but once a spouse turns you don't.

I cried on my wedding day, as well. My in-laws constantly told me I was in the way/blocking them from seeing their brother/son/relative throughout the marriage when it was actually that he didn't want them to come over and wanted peace in his house. Oddly, my ex had a whole laundry list about what was wrong with his family that he was allowed to think, but the minute I agreed to something on that list, it was a personal attack that I was making on his family.

 

I am against divorce, but in this case, I wouldn't blame you if you left. He never honored his vows. he is basically married to mom as far as putting her absolutely first and you are last.

 

Do you have a good relationship, but when mom is around, he changes/flares up - if so, maybe it could benefit from counseling, but other than that - really, get out before you feel like you have no soul left.

[abitbroken]

Reading the quote from your previous thread, I suggest that you make copies of your important papers discreetly and take them to a relative's house, a friends or a safe deposit box. And get neighbors used to the routine of seeing you leave with a big bag but returning soon after - and then one day don't come back. Do it before you have no self worth left and are reduced to a shred of a woman. You are not crazy. Be prepared to lose all the people you were friends with as a couple. But that's okay. Believe me, even if he is the guy everyone likes - there will be one person or two out there who has noticed how he talks to you. It may not be blatant in public - it may be more subtle that he puts you down - but believe me, someone will come to you later even if a passing acquaintance and tell you they noticed.

[Seymore]

My dad hated my ex. Wouldn't even speak to her, and yes it truly was because of her. She laid it on ME, dozens of times, and I believe that was completely unfair, because nobody can make someone feel something. I stopped visiting family as often, spent even MORE time with her to show her she mattered to me, and let my dad know how I felt but again, if someone has it in for you, what do YOU suggest he does to fix it? Kill her?

 

Your obsession with her liking or not liking you is going to drive him to leave. Which judging by your previous posts about how he treats you may not be a bad thing.

 

But you simply cannot MAKE someone like you. I'm sure part of him feels like you care more about her and her feelings than him. I sure felt that way.

[abitbroken]

My dad hated my ex. Wouldn't even speak to her, and yes it truly was because of her. She laid it on ME, dozens of times, and I believe that was completely unfair, because nobody can make someone feel something. I stopped visiting family as often, spent even MORE time with her to show her she mattered to me, and let my dad know how I felt but again, if someone has it in for you, what do YOU suggest he does to fix it? Kill her?

 

Your obsession with her liking or not liking you is going to drive him to leave. Which judging by your previous posts about how he treats you may not be a bad thing.

 

But you simply cannot MAKE someone like you. I'm sure part of him feels like you care more about her and her feelings than him. I sure felt that way.

 

She has not said anything to indicate that she does not want him to see his family. She befriended the mother at first as well. If he hugs her, etc, the mother has an issue with it - thats not normal, as long as they aren't shoving tongues down eachother's throats at a family gathering. There is another poster here who forbids her husband to see his family - that's not what this is.

 

Sure, the truth lies somewhere in the middle - but this family sounds so much like my ex in-laws, where anything that keeps a family member from giving the rest of their 100% undivided attention is attacked. I am sorry for what you went through, but she does not seem to be alienating him from the family. He is choosing to put the blame on her and if she were out of the picture, the blame would go to something or someone else.

[catfeeder]

He swears and treats me terribly but to everyone else he is the perfect gentleman. I asked him to go to anger management or even therapy, he refuses. He degrades me calls me stupid and hurts my feelings telling me how other women would be better then I am.. he doesnt hold me or show any love towards me. I am so broken and so sad I am tired of fixing him aand always trying to be there for him when he isnt there for me. He swears me so ugly and when I cry he says I should go cry infront of someone who cares. Im so broken inside and I dont know where to turn. I love him with everything I have but apart of me hates him for hurting me.his excuse is that his tired and that he works hard.

 

^

The above is quoted from your previous thread. Unless he pulls a 180, along with addressing the issues with his family, this marriage is doomed. You deserve much better...

 

Yep. Trying to distract yourself from your husband problem by rolling it into a mother in law problem is just fooling yourself. The guy was never worth marrying in the first place. I'd skip the distractions and seek legal advice. You can't operate wisely without knowing what your options are. You don't need to make any choices until you're ready, but learning your options and the steps for each would give you the information to choose a path instead of operating on emotions alone.

[Seymore]

She has not said anything to indicate that she does not want him to see his family. She befriended the mother at first as well. If he hugs her, etc, the mother has an issue with it - thats not normal, as long as they aren't shoving tongues down eachother's throats at a family gathering. There is another poster here who forbids her husband to see his family - that's not what this is.

 

.

 

Ok, that's fine, but she's still getting on HIM for how his mother is acting towards her. And no, if the mother has an issue with it, that's not normal. But neither her nor her husband is going to fix that as it seems she has her mind made up. And why is the onus on him to fix it - or again, MAKE someone feel something? Why doesn't SHE or both of them talk to the mother instead of constantly crying and complaining to him about it? I do think he should stand up to her one way or another, but again, there's only so much you can do, and her obsession with his mother's feelings is not healthy, nor is the rest of the relationship it seems.

 

I wasn't insinuating that she was trying to alienate him from his family, just saying that he might have to stand up to his mom and say "If you won't at least be civil, I won't be coming by as much". But somehow I gather that wouldn't please the OP either. It sounds to me like she is trying to create drama. Mothers-in-law have a reputation for not getting along with people their children marry, and that reputation came from somewhere. LOTS of people have difficult in-laws (my brother's wife really dislikes my dad because he's so difficult/sexist/racist), but they manage, don't they? So she either has to accept the way it is, talk to the root of the problem, or leave.

[sssh]

Whoops..

 

Just to clear the air. I am not obsessive over his mothers feelings. I only complain because everytime I am in her company she puts me down for no reason. If you read my previous posts you would see that she always picks on me and him. We did sit her down and talk and all she did was curse us and make us out to be the bad ones. My husband chooses to be on his own. Its his fault that he plays two sides of the fence. He doesnt know who to please. If she was a nicer person I wouldnt even say a thing to him. I am a very quiet person. But lately my life has been turned around by fights about them. Even if I dont bring them up. He does. So tell me how do I win?

[sssh]

I married into a very toxic family to be honest. And all I did was influence my husband in a good way. Shes doing the same thing to her other daughter inlaw so im not sure who is the problem here.

[sssh]

But maybe I should speak to someone about it

[Hermes]

You got good advice on other previous threads....

 

The question remains, WHY did you have to marry into this dysfunctional, toxic group of people? You would have known what they were like before you married....I assume. Yes?

[Wiseman2]

Yes. They are a family who you or your disdain/complaining about is not going to change and this issue is bothering you. Plus your strange almost arrogant view that you "were a good influence on your husband" when is fact all you do is cause strife for him by hating his family so much.

But maybe I should speak to someone about it

[sssh]

I married him because I love him. And no matter what he went through I was there for him. Yes I did see what they were like. But to my surprise I became the wrong one. Theres so many deeper issues to this. Yes I caused him "strife" but what about me? Am I suppose to just accept being called a "B####" by his family for no reason or what? Standing up for yourself is one thing. But being backed into a dark corner with no clue of where to go is another story

[Hermes]

Sssh. You are going round in circles here....

 

You don't have to accept anything. And drama is best kept for the stage and cinema.

 

The fact that you love someone does NOT mean that you proceed to marry into martyrdom. Love is NOT enough.

 

This is a clear-cut issue of "if you don't like the heat stay out of the kitchen. Or, don't enter the kitchen in the first instance.

 

Do you intend to spend the rest of your life like this? Do you WANT to spend the rest of your life like this? What are you going to do about it?

 

You also said some time back:

 

"He did say the only reason he married me was out of obligation.. I dont know how I allowed myself to go through this. I cant explain the pain I feel its like having a sleep over with a stranger

 

"

 

So essentially Sssh, the problem is NOT with the in-laws but that you are stuck in an unhappy marriage where your husband "married you out of obligation"!

[Wiseman2]

Why don't they like you? Perhaps because you hate them disrespect them so much? Get therapy. They were a family long long before you came along so you are going to have to divorce or learn to cope. Is your husband as hateful,complaining and disrespectful toward your family? Does he look down on them the way you look down on his?

I suppose to just accept being called a "B####" by his family

[sssh]

Wait wait wait. You are seriously getting this twisted . I AM NOT DISRESPECTFUL TO THEM. THEY ARE DISRESPECTFUL TO ME. AND EVEN HE ADMITTED TO IT. HE SAYS THEY HAVE NO RIGHT TO CALL ME NAMES

[sssh]

Yes you right it is pointless to go in circles. This isnt the life I want. I have decided to go to therapy I asked him to, he refuses. So on my side I will fix myself. If he wants to be this way then so be it

[Wiseman2]

Excellent go to therapy yourself so you can speak in private about how to deal with him/his family.

Yes you right it is pointless to go in circles. This isnt the life I want. I have decided to go to therapy I asked him to, he refuses. So on my side I will fix myself. If he wants to be this way then so be it

[catfeeder]

[...] I only complain because everytime I am in her company she puts me down for no reason. [...] If she was a nicer person I wouldnt even say a thing to him. [...] So tell me how do I win?

 

The one way you'll never win is to excuse your own behavior by blaming someone else's. That says, 'if only' someone else were different, I would behave myself. Skip that. Stop fighting with his mother, and stop complaining about his mother. Avoid her when you can, be kind to her when you must see her, and let her be a shrew. Whatever she 'says' can be as irrelevant as you want to make it, but you're hooked on being miserable about her rather than minimizing her importance.

 

When husband complains about her, just ask him what he wants to do about that, and otherwise keep your mouth shut.

 

You can keep defending what you do, but if you've noticed, it doesn't 'work'.

[Seymore]

Whoops..

 

Just to clear the air. I am not obsessive over his mothers feelings.

 

You absolutely are - you started this thread about it. Don't kid yourself.

 

I only complain because everytime I am in her company she puts me down for no reason. If you read my previous posts you would see that she always picks on me and him. We did sit her down and talk and all she did was curse us and make us out to be the bad ones. My husband chooses to be on his own.

 

And so afterwards you decide to pick on him too and fight about it, tossing blame at him instead of helping him figure out a solution.

 

Its his fault that he plays two sides of the fence.

 

And it's your fault you married him. I'm hearing blame tossed every which way but your own. Why is it HIS issue and somehow not yours? Isn't marriage a team thing? Or when things get rocky is it all on him? He's probably "playing two sides of the fence" to keep some semblance of peace. You want to stir the drama pot instead of getting over her.

 

So tell me how do I win?

 

By doing something about it yourself and not expecting and nagging your poor husband to solve all of YOUR problems.

 

But lately my life has been turned around by fights about them.

 

Fights YOU initiated. But once again, poor you - zero responsibility. YOU are the one with the problem, so turn your life back in the right direction and ignore his mother. "I married into a toxic family", "My life has been turned around by fights about them"...blame, blame, blame, and you do zero about it. I'm starting to wonder what exactly your definition of influencing your husband in a good way is, that his mother hates you.

 

I married into a very toxic family to be honest.

 

Yeah...so why'd you do that?

 

 

Look - if your husband speaks to you like you say he does, you ought to be forming an exit plan. At least be in therapy. There's no excuse for that. There's also no excuse for his mother to speak that way to you but you can get over it or leave. When you ask "am I supposed to just let her call me names?" You know the answer. Either throw a punch, take it on the chin or don't go visit her anymore.

 

I really hope throwing a punch is not what you decide on, BTW