Relationship Help - Should I stay or should I go?

[Hollyj]

I make no excuses, I know I am enabling his lazy behavior. But as I said before, this is my very first relationship, so of course I am attached to this man. We have great times together. But I am here to figure out if the good outweighs the bad....

 

That you pay for.

[Wiseman2]

you can determine that by his reaction to your telling him he must contribute or leave because he is burdening you and your mother and it's not fair.

I am here to figure out if the good outweighs the bad....

[LegalGirl2009]

So what if it's your first relationship, do you lose all common sense. Are you going to support this leech forever, because he's your first relationship?

 

If you married, would you continue to support and play maid service to this lump and your kids. Be smart. He has shown you who he is, now it's time to accept it and move on.

 

 

I'm not sure why you're attacking my common sense. Obviously im struggling and looking for advice/support. I'm not sure many people would be able to break up with someone that quickly. I said this is my first relationship because I have nothing to compare it to. I appreciate your advice.

[Hollyj]

I'm sorry, if I was harsh.

 

Just because it is your first relationship does not mean you need to put up with this sort of crap. He is taking advantage of you and your mom. He should be seeking any type of work to contribute to the household. He should also be doing everything he can around the house. You should be angry.

 

I think you are VERY lucky to see this guy for who he is. Let me ask you, would you tolerate this behavior from a friend? If not, then why do you tolerate it from him? How would you feel if you had to support the entire family (kids), as he didn't feel like working or doing anything to help?

 

Recognize this as a blessing, and please stop using, the first love bit, as an excuse. You need to want better for yourself.

 

Was your father financially supportive to your mother?

 

I am coming from a good place. I have nothing to gain from this,

[LegalGirl2009]

I'm really not trying to use it as an excuse. I just said it for people to understand why its so hard for me to make this decision, because I've never had to do it before. Like I said, this is a completely new experience for me. I was just looking for some advice as I navigate through these rough waters. I did not say I didn't want to break up because he's my first (actually thats a reason I would do it).

 

And unfortunately I would let a friend do that, I have before. It's a trait I'm working on for myself.

[Hollyj]

Hon, please do not let people take advantage of you like this.

 

You sound lovely, you should find someone who compliments you and your values.

 

How would you advise a friend, if her bf were using her in the same manner?

[shellyf62]

Im very sorry but he isnt your best friend, and he is not treating you or your Mum with dignity & respect.

Why should you both be supporting him? This is ridiculous.

Also him wanting a specific job that requires a test & classes is his way of stretching out his mooching.

At the very least he should be having the house tidy & dinner cooked when you two come home from work.

 

You really need to think long & hard about this. If things stay the same this will be your life. He is happy & settled & not going anywhere.

 

Look at my signature "when someone shows you who they are believe them" this is him, he isnt going to change, there will be no compliments, and life will be no better.

[Andrina]

Yes, the bad outweighs the good. Most people have good qualities, and most people have minor flaws. What you need to recognize and acknowledge are what major flaws and deal breakers are, and how to get tough enough to remove those people, who possess them, from your life. From what you describe, he possesses a lot more than one deal breaker. He fails to contribute financially. He fails to contribute to the chores and doesn't care that you are tired from work and then have more work to do at home as well. Yes, you can have fun with a child who doesn't work and isn't very good at chores or takes a tantrum when you ask them to pick up their toys. Your man is not a man. He's childish.

 

When you act like a doormat, people who like scraping their muddy shoes on you will spot you from miles away and you will say "Welcome." Nobody said it's easy to break up with someone. It's painful, depressing, sorrowful and gut wrenching. But what's more painful than that is staying with someone who really doesn't care about you. Actions speak louder than words. He doesn't care.

 

My husband works out in the heat with asphalt all day, and yet he contributes more than half of all the housework, not that I've asked him to do more than his share. We often have different days off, and he'll often do the laundry before my day off and tell me he wants me to have time to relax on my day off so that I have less chores to do. We takes turns making dinner. Does he say and do all the right things all the time? No. The difference between your situation and mine though, is that when I've asked him for something I need, like holding hands more often, or when I mentioned how nice it was when I saw another man hold the car door open for his wife, that he then made efforts in those areas because he wanted to please me. That's the type of man you need to hold out for.

 

Be tough enough to break up now before you waste any more time. And then you need to stay single a while and do some reading on how to self empower and improve your self esteem. Otherwise, you will choose the same inappropriate man over and over again. Take care. I have faith in you. You took the first step in confirming what you've feared, and now the next step is to improve your situation.

[boltnrun]

Yeah, there's a difference between an annoying behavior and a character flaw. An annoying behavior would be throwing his dirty clothes on the floor instead of in the hamper. A character flaw is allowing a woman and her mother to support him while he sits in THEIR home, not actively looking for work, doing no chores, and then not even batting an eyelash when they take him to Hawaii and he doesn't even have to buy his own shave ice.

 

Character flaws take a LOT of work to change, and the person has to WANT to change. Right now he has a sweet deal. What is his motivation to "change"?

[LegalGirl2009]

Thank you to everyone for your support and advice. It is definitely much more clear what decision I have to make. I think I forgot my own worth while trying to take care of this guy.

[shellyf62]

Thank you to everyone for your support and advice. It is definitely much more clear what decision I have to make. I think I forgot my own worth while trying to take care of this guy.

 

Good luck, let us know how things pan out !!