Her dad is unpredictable

[hrat791]

For anyone who cares to read, the original thread for this topic can be found here:

 

Essentially, my wife agreed to asking her parents for rides once in a while to help me out. As her dad works from home and her mom isn't even working. So yesterday my wife asked her dad to pick her up today because she had another doctor appointment to go to, but her dad snapped at her. She believes that part of the reason he snapped is because he has been depressed for a while, but has not received any help to fix it. When he snapped, he told her he is busy and the reason why he works from home is because he hates driving, and he asked why can't her husband (me) drive her and take care of her like he's supposed to.

 

This caused my wife major anxiety, so I ended up having to drive her myself (during lunch at work) 30 miles there and 30 miles back. Now we are at a point where I believe I should talk to her parents with her, because this will eventually (as it did before) take a toll on me.

 

Do you think it is a good idea to talk to her parents, or should she try to talk to them herself first? I know some people said getting a taxi or "uber" is an option, but none of us trust services like that.

[Wiseman2]

Let her talk to them. She is So high maintenance that it's burning everyone out. Maybe her dad knows her better than you do and has learned to say no?

he told her he is busy and the reason why he works from home is because he hates driving, and he asked why can't her husband (me) drive her and take care of her like he's supposed to.

[hrat791]

Let her talk to them. She is So high maintenance that it's burning everyone out. Maybe her dad knows her better than you do and has learned to say no?

 

I feel like it's rather inconsiderate to "learn to say no" to your daughter who has a herniated disc pinching the nerve, in which sometimes she can't even walk. Unless he thinks she is lying about her recent MRI and ER visits, I don't see how someone could ignore those results. And until she gets surgery (which may be in the next month or so), she may be "high maintenance", as you stated. But I think most people would be, considering the constant pain they are in, that will require additional help. Maybe you meant something different by "high maintenance"? I could be mistaken.

[Hollyj]

I feel like it's rather inconsiderate to "learn to say no" to your daughter who has a herniated disc pinching the nerve, in which sometimes she can't even walk. Unless he thinks she is lying about her recent MRI and ER visits, I don't see how someone could ignore those results. And until she gets surgery (which may be in the next month or so), she may be "high maintenance", as you stated. But I think most people would be, considering the constant pain they are in, that will require additional help. Maybe you meant something different by "high maintenance"? I could be mistaken.

 

Yikes. That's pretty bad. Can't the mother pick her up?

 

Can she take an Uber or a cab? How often does she have these visits.

[Iggy5129]

I'm confused, do they not have taxis or uber where you live? Get her a cheap smart phone if she doesn't already have one and she can call an uber to get her anywhere she needs to go. I understand she is hurt but she needs to assert her independence a bit more.

 

You may need to find a third party to help you with the driving.

[Wiseman2]

It's sad she's being jerked around by her parents, but what if she weren't married? Who would be doing this?

I think most people would be, considering the constant pain they are in, that will require additional help.

[Gary Snyder]

Sorry your father in law has a bad attitude.

[hrat791]

Yikes. That's pretty bad. Can't the mother pick her up?

 

Can she take an Uber or a cab? How often does she have these visits.

 

Her mother is out of the country right now for another month. She has these visits once a week or sometimes less, but at one point she had some multiple times per week in the beginning. She can take an uber, but she is not very trusting of services like that because of stories she has read and also things that have happened to her friends (bad experience).

 

I'm confused, do they not have taxis or uber where you live? Get her a cheap smart phone if she doesn't already have one and she can call an uber to get her anywhere she needs to go. I understand she is hurt but she needs to assert her independence a bit more.

 

You may need to find a third party to help you with the driving.

 

Yeah I understand that, but I think for services like that, she is sort of against them based on a few bad experiences. I think as a last resort, she would probably use them.

[hrat791]

It's sad she's being jerked around by her parents, but what if she weren't married? Who would be doing this?

 

She would probably have to drive herself, in which she technically can do. But it essentially will be a drive of immense pain, because the pain shoots down the right side of her body, down to her foot. Sometimes she feels tingling and numbness in her right leg if she sits down too long, let alone drive. But if she had to, she'd probably drive herself.

[hrat791]

Sorry your father in law has a bad attitude.

 

It's an unfortunate thing to happen

[Hollyj]

What about a taxi?

[gebaird]

... he asked why can't her husband (me) drive her and take care of her like he's supposed to.

 

I find it interesting that he has this attitude that you are supposed to take care of everything. Why can't he take care of his daughter "like he's supposed to"?

 

Is your wife staying with her parents more now, or still going back and forth? If I recall correctly, being driven to doctors visits was one part of the problem, and going back and forth from your place to her parents' place was another. Once a week doctors visits don't sound like too much of a problem if you also aren't shuttling her back and forth constantly.

 

Does your work have a very fixed schedule? Like is it a problem for you to leave at lunch to take her to an appointment? Does your boss know the situation and is he or she understanding and flexible? Could you make up the lost time on another day? Can you use vacation or sick time?

 

I don't know what your financial situation is like, but if you don't trust Uber then maybe a taxi is an option?

 

I'm starting to see why your wife was worried about talking to her parents about giving her rides. Her dad sounds like a real jerk.

[DancingFool]

I don't know.....it seems like perhaps her dad's way of telling his grown, married, adult daughter that it's high time for her to start living like an adult, aka quit leaning on parents as if she is still a child. A proverbial kicking out of the nest because otherwise she is not leaving on her own and he's had enough of that. Saying this combined with your other thread where you talked about how much time she spends with them. May also be a situation where the mother wants her there but the father is over it and since the mother is not there......

 

Anyway, what would you two do if the parents didn't live within driving distance? You would manage and make do and that's pretty much what you two need to do. Obviously her driving right now is not safe, however the whole I don't like Uber or don't want to take a taxi or a bus or whatever other transport is available is playing princess and is not acceptable. Time for her to start being more independent and taking care of herself and no, that's not always easy or fun or comfortable.

[hrat791]

What about a taxi?

 

It can be an option. I was just trying to figure this family issue out first before resorting to paying for transportation.

 

I find it interesting that he has this attitude that you are supposed to take care of everything. Why can't he take care of his daughter "like he's supposed to"?

 

I mean, I can understand now that she is married and is out on her own (living with me), he can expect her husband to take care of her. And I do take care of her 99% of the time. It was only ONCE in a while, I wanted a little help, but it seems like that is too much to ask.

 

Is your wife staying with her parents more now, or still going back and forth? If I recall correctly, being driven to doctors visits was one part of the problem, and going back and forth from your place to her parents' place was another. Once a week doctors visits don't sound like too much of a problem if you also aren't shuttling her back and forth constantly.

 

Yeah, it's less frequent now, so it's a bit more reasonable for me and I am not as stressed out anymore. She isn't staying at her parents as of now.

 

Does your work have a very fixed schedule? Like is it a problem for you to leave at lunch to take her to an appointment? Does your boss know the situation and is he or she understanding and flexible? Could you make up the lost time on another day? Can you use vacation or sick time?

 

My work is pretty flexible and my boss has been understanding. The only problem is, I am still a contractor (just started this job 2 months ago), so I don't really have any "sick time" to use. Any days or time I miss, I don't get paid for.

 

I don't know what your financial situation is like, but if you don't trust Uber then maybe a taxi is an option?

 

I'm starting to see why your wife was worried about talking to her parents about giving her rides. Her dad sounds like a real jerk.

 

Taxi could be possible, but again, just wanted to sort out this issue first before resorting to that.

[hrat791]

I don't know.....it seems like perhaps her dad's way of telling his grown, married, adult daughter that it's high time for her to start living like an adult, aka quit leaning on parents as if she is still a child. A proverbial kicking out of the nest because otherwise she is not leaving on her own and he's had enough of that. Saying this combined with your other thread where you talked about how much time she spends with them. May also be a situation where the mother wants her there but the father is over it and since the mother is not there......

 

I feel that she does act like an adult. She actually rarely asks for anything at all, from anyone. This is why this entire argument started in the first place, because she told me she doesn't like asking her parents for things, and she wants to rely on me (as a husband) to take care of her. That's why when I originally asked if her parents could help me out once in a while, she got slightly upset because she doesn't like asking them for things. But in general, she never asks them for anything (whether that is money, rides, etc...). I am the same way, as I usually don't ask my parents for anything, ever. My wife and I live together and have live together since a few months back. Before that, she was out on her own graduating with her masters abroad, and even during that time, she never went to her parents for anything. Again, she doesn't like asking her parents (or anyone else) for anything. So I am not sure where you are getting the impression that she leans on her parents for things, but I am curious how you came to that conclusion.

 

Anyway, what would you two do if the parents didn't live within driving distance? You would manage and make do and that's pretty much what you two need to do. Obviously her driving right now is not safe, however the whole I don't like Uber or don't want to take a taxi or a bus or whatever other transport is available is playing princess and is not acceptable. Time for her to start being more independent and taking care of herself and no, that's not always easy or fun or comfortable.

 

It's not necessarily about paying princess. It's multiple factors, including safety and money. Right now, money is tight for us (as she isn't working due to her injury) and if I sent her on a taxi all those times, that would be possibly hundreds of dollars. I just figured that maybe her parents can help me once in a while by dropping her off back at our house, but this seems to be unreasonable according to you. Which is fine, as not everyone will agree with this situation.

[j.man]

It sucks, but she'll either need to start driving herself or it's on her to negotiate with her parents on transporting her. If that means staying with them if that cuts back on their travel time, so be it.

 

If you can't drive her for whatever reason, she has to accept it and make other arrangements. She'd in pain, she's not an invalid.

[hrat791]

It sucks, but she'll either need to start driving herself or it's on her to negotiate with her parents on transporting her. If that means staying with them if that cuts back on their travel time, so be it.

 

If you can't drive her for whatever reason, she has to accept it and make other arrangements. She'd in pain, she's not an invalid.

 

Yeah, she did say she will stay there from now on, if she has to. But you'd be surprised at how much pain she is in, to where she actually becomes handicapped essentially. She recently got approved for a handicap placard and also a wheelchair. She has had this injury for years, but sometimes it flairs up really bad due to random sudden movements. You'll laugh, but this time it was caused by her simply sitting down on a chair. The nerve got pinched and she couldn't even move, with intense pain. Then couldn't walk for some days. It's pretty bad, but at least she is feeling a bit better right now and hopefully will get good news from the specialist in regards to getting surgery or doing something to remedy this situation.

[agent1607307371]

Interesting that you're jumping to Dad being depressed as the reason he snapped rather than you waiting til the day before the appointment to land this one him. He isn't sitting around at home, he's working. That much notice just isn't polite at all. Dat would probably be less unpredicatable if you weren't so inconsiderate.

 

When your wife agreed to ask her parents for rides to take the pressure off you, did she clear it with them first or just assume they'd be available?

[hrat791]

Interesting that you're jumping to Dad being depressed as the reason he snapped rather than you waiting til the day before the appointment to land this one him. He isn't sitting around at home, he's working. That much notice just isn't polite at all. Dat would probably be less unpredicatable if you weren't so inconsiderate.

 

When your wife agreed to ask her parents for rides to take the pressure off you, did she clear it with them first or just assume they'd be available?

 

Not sure if you read my post correctly, but my wife is the one who stated that he is depressed and that his depression is most likely the reason he was irritable and snapped at her. She has had extensive conversations with him, as well as her mother, not to mention she just graduated with her masters in social welfare with a heavy focus on psychology. Although she is not a professional that has been practicing for decades, from what she knows and has learned over her schooling and internships, he shows major signs of depression, and so she let me know that this may be the reason for his snappy attitude toward her. She has tried to tell him to go see someone, multiple times, but he is stubborn and will not go.

 

We aren't assuming is just sitting around at home all day, because obviously he is working from home. All he could have stated was that he is unavailable and that she'll have to find another way to get there, but instead he snapped at her and said things rather rudely. We didn't know when the appointment was going to be until the day before, because the place had to schedule a time and call us to let us know.

[agent1607307371]

I suffer depression. And sometimes yes, it does make you irritable. But people being inconsiderate of your time is also something that makes you irritable.

 

Did she clear it with her parents before telling you she'd use them for lifts? Did she tell them there might be very little notice?

[catfeeder]

Originally Posted by Hollyj :

What about a taxi?

It can be an option. I was just trying to figure this family issue out first before resorting to paying for transportation.

 

Uhm...no, wrong order. Solve the problem that's causing the 'family issue' first. Then you won't have a family issue.

 

Wife is not doing her part. What do you think single people with back injuries do to handle their injuries?

 

That's the question I'd ask her. She gets to step up and manage her own treatment. She can decide the degree she wants to get her parent's involved--do not step into that can of worms, or the consequences will be a lousy future with your inlaws. She gets to decide whether to get referrals and move her treatment to where she lives or how long she'll want to make visits to her folks'. If she can catch a ride with you at a time that is not disruptive to the work schedule of your BRAND NEW JOB, then she can stay with her folks for as long as her treatments are required that week.

 

Stand your ground and let her become an equal partner in this marriage. If you continue to cater to her like she's a 12 year old, you're relinquishing a husband role to that of a third parent of an adolescent--and that's what her Dad is smart enough to pull out of.

 

You'd be smart do the same, you can just be kinder about it and negotiate with logic. Present her with adult options, and let her figure it out.

[hrat791]

I suffer depression. And sometimes yes, it does make you irritable. But people being inconsiderate of your time is also something that makes you irritable.

 

Yeah I agree, people not being considerate of your time is definitely not helping the situation, but I don't think we were doing that. All we did was ask the same day we found out about her appointment time. All he had to say was no, and we could have respected that and not pushed the envelope.

 

Did she clear it with her parents before telling you she'd use them for lifts? Did she tell them there might be very little notice?

 

I believe she did, yes. But again, I told her it would NOT be often, as I wouldn't mind taking her a vast majority of the time. And that once in a while, maybe they could help if they aren't already busy with other obligations.

[hrat791]

Uhm...no, wrong order. Solve the problem that's causing the 'family issue' first. Then you won't have a family issue.

 

Wife is not doing her part. What do you think single people with back injuries do to handle their injuries?

 

Are you essentially saying that single people cannot rely on their families for anything ONCE in a while?

 

That's the question I'd ask her. She gets to step up and manage her own treatment. She can decide the degree she wants to get her parent's involved--do not step into that can of worms, or the consequences will be a lousy future with your inlaws. She gets to decide whether to get referrals and move her treatment to where she lives or how long she'll want to make visits to her folks'. If she can catch a ride with you at a time that is not disruptive to the work schedule of your BRAND NEW JOB, then she can stay with her folks for as long as her treatments are required that week.

 

She is on medi-cal and cannot change doctor's outside of her county. Her parent's county is different than mine (since she used to live with them and now she lives with me), and by the time she actually switches counties over (she has to re-apply), I will probably already have been offered a permanent position so I could add her to my own insurance. This will also delay the process longer, and instead of seeing a doctor sooner, she'd have to wait a month or two later.

 

Stand your ground and let her become an equal partner in this marriage. If you continue to cater to her like she's a 12 year old, you're relinquishing a husband role to that of a third parent of an adolescent--and that's what her Dad is smart enough to pull out of.

 

You'd be smart do the same, you can just be kinder about it and negotiate with logic. Present her with adult options, and let her figure it out.

 

I guess this is the line we draw between how much close family (or a husband) should help someone who in physically impaired. Some people say, "why are you doing so much for her, you are catering to her like a 12 year old." - Some people say, "It's good you're taking care of her and the parents should help out once in a while" - So this may just come down to difference in values and how you were raised within your own culture.

[j.man]

What's universally not good is that your involvement has gotten to a point where you're here complaining about her father on her behalf. Your support extends to providing her a lift or, perhaps, a cab. It's up to her to negotiate any help from her parents. It sounds like until now she's been digging her heels in with regard to meeting her parents half way (not staying at their place, in the same county as her care) and has allowed that stress to spill into your marriage. That's not cool. Whether or not she should stay with her parents should never have been a question.