jah234 Posted August 3, 2016 Author Share Posted August 3, 2016 Then why keep doing it? Time to treat yourself better. M'kay. i really am trying but its hard when you work together. As i mentioned before, i dont contact him, i respond when he initiates contact which is why I'm so hurt by his behavior. he called to talk, he offered to help me pack when i never even mentioned anything about packing, but then 3 days later he acts all weird and cant look at me or just completely ignores me at work. I'm working on my feelings but its hard especially when he said he wasn't over it but his actions to me seems as though he is, hence is why i wanted the clarity. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted August 3, 2016 Share Posted August 3, 2016 Zero contact means you don't respond to his contact and you keep yourself away from him while at work and just keep it civil (like he's doing with those hand shakes and avoidance). It also means you don't stalk his social media sites or do anything else that keeps your thoughts of him renting space in your brain for free. He probably went on a forum like this one and asked for advice and they told him to go zero contact as well in order to break this unhealthy dynamic the two of you have gotten yourself involved in with one another. You're better off without him in your life and you'll start to feel much better once you accept that you've done the right thing and that you are strong enough to just ignore his attempts at engaging you yet again and then disappointing you. Keep telling yourself how you were smart enough to do the breaking up so that you can cleanse him from your heart and head so that you'll be open enough to see the sexy good guy that shows you interest. Onward and upward, my dear. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted August 3, 2016 Share Posted August 3, 2016 I want to understand why he is being wishy washy, thats it! I'm not giving mixed signals I'm not sure where you are getting this from. I will say it again, if he is trying to get over me, then why still reach out, why offer to help and then retract?? why act weird and uncomfortable when i see him in person?....those are mixed signals because they dont make sense. Jah, you are very defensive towards people trying to help you. Its not so hard to understand. YOU finished it, he is hurting and he's having a hard time letting go ... like a lot of ex's do. The mixed signals come from you being pissy or angry at him .... that shows that there are some residual feelings there. You've given no real indication that you want him back yet your display of emotion gives him hope. When you are still feeling raw from a breakup it is quite natural to feel awkward around the person who dumped you as it is hard not to show your emotion. Give the guy a break. Remember, YOU ended it. I'm not sure what you expect from him. Link to comment
sherrelle Posted August 3, 2016 Share Posted August 3, 2016 Don't do that to him!! Don't give him false hope it's not fair at all. Link to comment
jah234 Posted August 3, 2016 Author Share Posted August 3, 2016 Jah, you are very defensive towards people trying to help you. Its not so hard to understand. YOU finished it, he is hurting and he's having a hard time letting go ... like a lot of ex's do. The mixed signals come from you being pissy or angry at him .... that shows that there are some residual feelings there. You've given no real indication that you want him back yet your display of emotion gives him hope. When you are still feeling raw from a breakup it is quite natural to feel awkward around the person who dumped you as it is hard not to show your emotion. Give the guy a break. Remember, YOU ended it. I'm not sure what you expect from him. i dont mean to be offensive, i just feel attacked when people try to tell me how to feel or how i should be feeling when i really have no control over that. i dont want to be bothered by it but i am. i never showed any anger or contempt when i broke up with him, I've always tried to remain cordial. at first i couldn't be friends with him at one point in time but then as we spent time away from each other i feel that i can. The friendship was his idea but when i actually try to be oe and just have a platonic small chat conversation he is uncomfortable through his body language and i didn't understand. i felt rejected because I'm really trying to just be cordial and dont understand why its so hard for him to be consistant. one minute he appears to be norma, and then the next minute he acts like i am a total stranger. it really does suck but I'm going to try my best not to let it get to me. Link to comment
jah234 Posted August 3, 2016 Author Share Posted August 3, 2016 Don't do that to him!! Don't give him false hope it's not fair at all. im not giving him false hope. he didn't treat me right when were together so i had to muster the strength to let him go and unfortunately for me, I'm having a hard time with his mixed signals/behavior. he has told me why but it doesn't make sense as his actions to me represent indifference. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted August 3, 2016 Share Posted August 3, 2016 it doesn't make sense as his actions to me represent indifference. His actions don't represent "indifference" His actions represent someone who is trying to get to the stage of indifference OR someone who is trying to show indifference in an attempt to get you in the tizzy you're now in. Mind eff to the nth degree. Zero contact and exercise your own show of indifference only make it real and not some mind meld. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted August 3, 2016 Share Posted August 3, 2016 Jah, you are very defensive towards people trying to help you. Its not so hard to understand. YOU finished it, he is hurting and he's having a hard time letting go ... like a lot of ex's do. The mixed signals come from you being pissy or angry at him .... that shows that there are some residual feelings there. You've given no real indication that you want him back yet your display of emotion gives him hope. When you are still feeling raw from a breakup it is quite natural to feel awkward around the person who dumped you as it is hard not to show your emotion. Give the guy a break. Remember, YOU ended it. I'm not sure what you expect from him. I agree. No matter what, it's not easy to be the dumpee. Even if you're dumped for valid reasons. I think your mixed signals are confusing. I don't see any point is trying to stay friends with any ex. It's just creating drama. And, yes, you are responsible for 50% of the drama because you are continuing to engage him. It's time for no contact outside of work necessity. Link to comment
sherrelle Posted August 3, 2016 Share Posted August 3, 2016 Sorry I'm just bitter because I was dumped lol. But I understand the best is no contact. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted August 3, 2016 Share Posted August 3, 2016 i dont mean to be offensive, i just feel attacked when people try to tell me how to feel or how i should be feeling when i really have no control over that. i dont want to be bothered by it but i am. i never showed any anger or contempt when i broke up with him, I've always tried to remain cordial. at first i couldn't be friends with him at one point in time but then as we spent time away from each other i feel that i can. The friendship was his idea but when i actually try to be oe and just have a platonic small chat conversation he is uncomfortable through his body language and i didn't understand. i felt rejected because I'm really trying to just be cordial and dont understand why its so hard for him to be consistant. one minute he appears to be norma, and then the next minute he acts like i am a total stranger. it really does suck but I'm going to try my best not to let it get to me. The thing is we can only go by the limited information you have presented to us. From your initial post it sounded as though you broke up with him because you were more than ready to leave and that he was the one struggling with the decision and unable to let go. That is why no-one could understand why YOU were angry at HIM. Very slowly, however, a different story is beginning to emerge .... that you are struggling just as much as he is and that you ended the relationship because you HAD to, not because you WANTED to. You were hoping his contact meant that he was willing to work on what went wrong, though it is still unclear as to whether he knows why the relationship broke down in the first place. Nevertheless, seeing as you were effectively the one who ended the relationship, whatever the reasons, it would be easy for him to assume that it would be up to you to do the asking if reconciliation was on the cards. As things stand, he could therefore be picking up the same mixed signals as you. Like I said it depends on what was said when you ended the relationship and how it was left. Regardless, staying friends with an ex to whom you are still emotionally attached does NOT work and you will "hear" that being said time and time again on eNA. If he isn't comfortable around you then you will have to accept that is how it is for him and not push him for friendship - even IF he was the one who originally asked for being friends. Maybe he thought he could handle it, as you did too. If he isn't being nasty ... if he is being civil to you when your path's cross then that is all you can expect. Link to comment
jah234 Posted August 3, 2016 Author Share Posted August 3, 2016 The thing is we can only go by the limited information you have presented to us. From your initial post it sounded as though you broke up with him because you were more than ready to leave and that he was the one struggling with the decision and unable to let go. That is why no-one could understand why YOU were angry at HIM. Very slowly, however, a different story is beginning to emerge .... that you are struggling just as much as he is and that you ended the relationship because you HAD to, not because you WANTED to. You were hoping his contact meant that he was willing to work on what went wrong, though it is still unclear as to whether he knows why the relationship broke down in the first place. Nevertheless, seeing as you were effectively the one who ended the relationship, whatever the reasons, it would be easy for him to assume that it would be up to you to do the asking if reconciliation was on the cards. As things stand, he could therefore be picking up the same mixed signals as you. Like I said it depends on what was said when you ended the relationship and how it was left. Regardless, staying friends with an ex to whom you are still emotionally attached does NOT work and you will "hear" that being said time and time again on eNA. If he isn't comfortable around you then you will have to accept that is how it is for him and not push him for friendship - even IF he was the one who originally asked for being friends. Maybe he thought he could handle it, as you did too. If he isn't being nasty ... if he is being civil to you when your path's cross then that is all you can expect. i see what you are saying. somedays he is civil and other days he acts like i oddest exist. I think i would be fine if he was just normal. say hi when he sees me and go on about his business. i did have to end it because he didn't treat me right or respect my feelings. i didn't feel appreciated and i felt liberated once i broke it off. my job sent me on a temporary duty assignment so i was able togged away for a while and did the no contact. since he reached out about 6 weeks after the break up telling e he was thinking abut me, i assumed he was over it and back to normal. At work when he offered to help and i took him up on it because i really needed the help and he never gave me an answer thats when the confusion started. He said he would let me know when he would be able to help and he never did. i confronted him about it twice and it was the third time that i realized that he was never going to give me an answer. on the last confrontation thats when he spilled the beans about him not being over it etc. so generically, is this really the behavior of someone who still has feeling soft someone, wouldn't you want to get closer to them not act like this? its really hard to grasp the whole I'm not over you but i can act like you dont exist. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted August 3, 2016 Share Posted August 3, 2016 Bottom line...are you hoping for reconciliation? Link to comment
jah234 Posted August 3, 2016 Author Share Posted August 3, 2016 I agree. No matter what, it's not easy to be the dumpee. Even if you're dumped for valid reasons. I think your mixed signals are confusing. I don't see any point is trying to stay friends with any ex. It's just creating drama. And, yes, you are responsible for 50% of the drama because you are continuing to engage him. It's time for no contact outside of work necessity. the no contact is where we are now. i see him at work and it hurts because he really acts like I'm not there. when we were involved and we would "break up" he would always find reasons to talk to me, be close to me, or even steal glances at me... now he doesn't do any of these things and i cant help but to feel hurt and take it personally. he has never acted like this before... we are about to deploy for 6 months and we will be separated during that time which is why this is adding to the pain. Link to comment
jah234 Posted August 3, 2016 Author Share Posted August 3, 2016 His actions don't represent "indifference" His actions represent someone who is trying to get to the stage of indifference OR someone who is trying to show indifference in an attempt to get you in the tizzy you're now in. Mind eff to the nth degree. Zero contact and exercise your own show of indifference only make it real and not some mind meld. how do we know its not indifference? isn5t indifference when you aren't affected by that person which to me is how he is acting.... Link to comment
catfeeder Posted August 3, 2016 Share Posted August 3, 2016 WOW! that was very blunt but probably what i needed to hear. everyone keeps saying that he is conflicted with his feelings thus the back and forth behavior. He's not conflicted, he knows exactly what he's doing. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted August 3, 2016 Share Posted August 3, 2016 Were you hoping to get back together?was seeing a guy, became a push and pull relationship, i got sick of it and ended it. same guy from work? Link to comment
jah234 Posted August 4, 2016 Author Share Posted August 4, 2016 Were you hoping to get back together?same guy from work? no i was not hoping to get back together, i was hoping he would act normal. Link to comment
Silver star Posted August 4, 2016 Share Posted August 4, 2016 I can't believe you are asking this. You ended the relationship and he obviously didnt want to. As he still cares about you he has tried to be your friend - however, his feelings are too strong for you and he is finding it too difficult so he tries to act emotionless in order to cope. You are making it worse for him by keeping in touch. Let him go and let him move on. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted August 4, 2016 Share Posted August 4, 2016 no i was not hoping to get back together, i was hoping he would act normal. Acting 'normal' after a breakup usually means leaving one another alone. I'd just do that. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted August 4, 2016 Share Posted August 4, 2016 No offense, but I have a hunch that this was nothing more than a trap that backfired. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted August 4, 2016 Share Posted August 4, 2016 so generically, is this really the behavior of someone who still has feeling soft someone, wouldn't you want to get closer to them not act like this? its really hard to grasp the whole I'm not over you but i can act like you dont exist. Possibly but also possibly NOT if they don't think the other person is remotely interested. It sounds more like he is struggling with being friends as opposed to acting like you don't exist. In fact the more you aren't over someone the harder it is to be normal around them. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted August 4, 2016 Share Posted August 4, 2016 no i was not hoping to get back together, i was hoping he would act normal. There isn't really a "normal" after a breakup ... not when emotions are still up in the air. If he isn't over the break up then he won't be able to act normal around you. As long as there is no nastiness going on between you then you don't have any cause for concern. Just lay low and let the emotional dust settle. Allow him to feel whatever it is he is feeling with any expectations from him. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted August 4, 2016 Share Posted August 4, 2016 If you don't give a hoot about him why care about his behavior? It sounds like you want his attention and he wanted to avoid you.no i was not hoping to get back together, i was hoping he would act normal. Link to comment
jah234 Posted August 4, 2016 Author Share Posted August 4, 2016 No offense, but I have a hunch that this was nothing more than a trap that backfired. it wasn't trap, i dont regret my decision to break it off but as normal, i still miss him. i thought he was over it being that we sent 3 months apart with no contact and i expected t at least to be able to be civil around one another. Link to comment
jah234 Posted August 4, 2016 Author Share Posted August 4, 2016 If you don't give a hoot about him why care about his behavior? It sounds like you want his attention and he wanted to avoid you. i never said i didn't care about him, obviously i stilled otherwise his behavior wouldn't effect me so much. Link to comment
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