Too much confusion...

[Wolfshook]

About month ago I felt perfect , everything was going just fine, I mostly stopped thinking about my ex,and then bam - she contacted me. She contacted me every day for a week, telling me how she will never love anybody like she loves (yes, it wasnt said in a past) me and I'm the most perfect man ever, shes thinking about me every day but is affraid to contact me,etc. Then she asked me to go to a lunch with her which I gladly accepted but since it was a busy week in front of me I asked her if we could do it at the end of a week which she gladly agreed to.

 

The day comes and she says she will not be able to go for a lunch because of her work (it was actually understansable reason). I told her it's ok and that she can tell me when she is free.

We talked a bit for a few days later and then it just stopped.

 

I did contact her on the last time we talked since I wanted to show some initative.

 

We havent talked since that day, I think that since she left me ball is in her court,allthough she messaged me last.

 

It all didnt bother me up to a few days ago, I was in my party mode with no sleep and drinking a lot and I believe this tiredness made me feel bad. It's just became unbearable now, I started missing her like crazy, though I dont really have an urge to contact her.

 

Can somebody give me an outsiders view on this?

 

Tahnk you .

[IAmFCA]

Her behavior was irresponsible and unfair. Eyes forward, where you will continue with your friends interests activities and work, and happen upon someone who appreciates you as a matter of course. Your ex created drama that served no constructive purpose for you, whereas for her, she got to feel the validation of your responses to her. She was selfish and thoughtless and is not responsible enough to be a worthy investment of your affection.

 

And, no, don't bother being angry. Continue to be kind, draw your boundaries again, and keep people around you who allow you to be as kind as you'd like.

[kbbcoop77]

She's just after an ego boost and ANY contact while you are healing is going to have a bad effect on you. To truly get over her you have to block her likes she's a corpse and take the necessary time to get over her, get a new life without her in it. It takes time and dedication but well worth it.

[leseine7]

It sounds unbelievable, yet I see it all the time: Some people just genuinely need to use others to pump their ego. She was missing your attention and wanted to make sure she could still getcha. And you made clear that you would entertain the idea of getting back with her by making the lunch date. She got what she wanted - validation, ego boost - and can now go about her life. She might periodically do this to you - reach out and say whatever necessary to reel you in, then back off. Why?

 

 

Narcissists will do this. Maybe there are other reasons for her behavior but if she meets this description then she may be one.

 

But, regardless, please take a lesson from this and never talk to her again dude. I mean, really.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this hot/cold, passive-aggressive, jump through hoops stuff would make me insane. Maybe it would be best to go nc and block until the air is clear?

Then she asked me to go to a lunch with her The day comes and she says she will not be able to go

[Iggy5129]

If you had blocked her this wouldn't be a problem.

[IAmFCA]

Wolf,

 

I have a guy friend who does this. It isn't parallel behavior, by any means. Even so, it drives me batty. He will set up dates and break them, easy dates, a coffee or a lunch. And they are not even "dates" really. I think about going NC with him, even though it seems like overkill when we are not even gf/bf or exes or anything. I am sharing this because as annoyed as I am over a trifle of a relationship, you two were emotionally invested. Any emotion you feel is 100% justified. She has violated your boundaries. It is appropriate for you to take cover. After time passes -- a lot of time -- this dynamic will fade and may even turn into a more equitable exchange. Or it may never. For now, and until you feel so removed that you could actually use her for your own gain if you were that type of guy: ignore, block, erase.

[IAmFCA]

If you had blocked her this wouldn't be a problem.

 

Just a note: Forward thinking advice always makes me feel more supported than backwards pointing advice.

[nihongo]

I'm sorry, but I don't agree with any of these posts. Even though none of us even know this girl and even though we only have a bit of information about her from this thread, she's already being labeled and we're being psychologists. If she's exhibited this behavior over and over again, I could understand. But if this is the first time she's done this then, it sounds like she's just obviously and clearly confused. She breaks up with you, but she loves you. She doesn't want to contact you, but on the other hand, she wants to get lunch. I'd be direct and firm with her by saying you can't just be friends with her and do this every day chit-chat, but one day if she's ready to talk about reconciliation, then you're open to discussing it.

[IAmFCA]

I'm sorry, but I don't agree with any of these posts. Even though none of us even know this girl and even though we only have a bit of information about her from this thread, she's already being labeled and we're being psychologists. If she's exhibited this behavior over and over again, I could understand. But if this is the first time she's done this then, it sounds like she's just obviously and clearly confused. She breaks up with you, but she loves you. She doesn't want to contact you, but on the other hand, she wants to get lunch. I'd be direct and firm with her by saying you can't just be friends with her and do this every day chit-chat, but one day if she's ready to talk about reconciliation, then you're open to discussing it.

 

So, you don't agree that the gf was irresponsible?

[Wolfshook]

Thank you all for great responses, It's so much easier to cope when you get the bigger picture of this and thank you for that link.

 

This is second time she has done this. First time was 3 months after breakup when she was drunk,this time she was sober. But quite possibly in her PMS (it was around "her time").

 

I did tell her I cant be her friend, and I told her that when she gets her head straight we could try one more time, she asked me if I will be there for her,but I honestly told her I cant guarantee that,because I can't wait for anybody (and I have a crush on one girl,but I didnt mention that). This is why she invited me for lunch,she wanted to talk to me personaly about it.

 

She also told me she was just talking to her friend about how great I was... This was a bit of an ego boost for me...

 

In a way I do believe her that she misses me (you'd miss your dog if you had it for 2 years,why not your bf), but I also think that it was very selfish of her to contact me just because she felt a little sad or lonely.

 

I didnt block her,but I deleted our messages,which would automatically redirect her messages to my junk folder,so I dont have to see them unless I go and look at that folder.

 

Idk why,but this all just takes so much energy off of me, I know that this will last for another week (I'm NC veteran by now) and then I'll be good again,but I cant let this be happening every time I feel great.

[Ms Darcy]

It sounds unbelievable, yet I see it all the time: Some people just genuinely need to use others to pump their ego. She was missing your attention and wanted to make sure she could still getcha. And you made clear that you would entertain the idea of getting back with her by making the lunch date. She got what she wanted - validation, ego boost - and can now go about her life. She might periodically do this to you - reach out and say whatever necessary to reel you in, then back off. Why?

 

 

Narcissists will do this. Maybe there are other reasons for her behavior but if she meets this description then she may be one.

 

But, regardless, please take a lesson from this and never talk to her again dude. I mean, really.

 

Okay, I didn't mean to thank this. I agreed with it up until it went off the rails with the narcissist comments.

 

But the bottom line is that there is a great function called blocking. I know you have heard of it. Use it. Then you won't see anymore contact from her and you can restart your healing process.

 

If you are serious about healing, you will block her. If you choose NOT to, accept that you have some responsibility for this situation.

[leseine7]

I'm sorry, but I don't agree with any of these posts. Even though none of us even know this girl and even though we only have a bit of information about her from this thread, she's already being labeled and we're being psychologists. If she's exhibited this behavior over and over again, I could understand. But if this is the first time she's done this then, it sounds like she's just obviously and clearly confused. She breaks up with you, but she loves you. She doesn't want to contact you, but on the other hand, she wants to get lunch. I'd be direct and firm with her by saying you can't just be friends with her and do this every day chit-chat, but one day if she's ready to talk about reconciliation, then you're open to discussing it.

 

Saying "It sounds like ______ possible behavioral disorder and you should check out if she matches" since he's known her longer and that can be a comfort in his healing, is by no means a freakin diagnosis. Calm down. What she's doing is manipulative, AT BEST, and there's absolutely no reason for OP to waste his life and emotions on someone who jerks him around. That is what it sounds to me she's doing, and we're all entitled to our perspectives based off what we are reading on the board. If you feel you have better advice, leave it here and OP can decide.

[leseine7]

Okay, I didn't mean to thank this. I agreed with it up until it went off the rails with the narcissist comments.

 

But the bottom line is that there is a great function called blocking. I know you have heard of it. Use it. Then you won't see anymore contact from her and you can restart your healing process.

 

I didn't go off the rails, I said that it fit a pattern of narcissistic behavior and I even said he could check it out and see if it matches. I don't see how that's wrong - I by no means said she absolutely is a narcissist.

 

Apologies if I offended, OP, again as I already stated you can check out the link (that helped me in a similar situation to realize the behavior of an ex who acted that way was not healthy and I should move on), and see if she's like that.

 

I wasn't intending to 'go off the rails' and was honestly trying to shed light from my own perspective and experiences, like we all try to do when we want to help out.

 

I also stated that no contact is the way to go, and I absolutely don't see how it's harmful to read about a personality type that often does things like this. Everyone has a different take - that was just mine. up:

[Ms Darcy]

Went off the rails is probably too strong of a phrase. Perhaps the best way to say that would have been OP don't sidetrack your healing by spending time pathologizing her behavior. Go back to doing what was working ... No contact and focusing on your own life.

[leseine7]

Again, we all have our own advice for what helps.

 

It helped me to read those kinds of articles when I found out MY ex had the disorder (and he did, and admitted it to me later), so I was drawing from my own healing process without (as I stated) diagnosing or "pathologizing" her behavior and OP can do with it what he wants.

 

Let's not try to trump each others' comments when the intention behind them are obviously kind. Not everyone is a psychologist (most of us aren't), and are offering up what worked and helped for us. That is literally all I tried to do. I don't say when your advice is incorrect Ms Darcy and respected your advice. Please don't condescend mine. We all know a thing or two about how to recover, and I also stated go NC.

 

In any case OP, i'm glad you're feeling better. It sounds like regardless of her reasons, your ex has been a toxic influence on you and you can see the light at the end of the tunnel moving on from her. You deserve much better!

[Ms Darcy]

I think you're being a little oversensitive Les. I did go back and reword the feedback to indicate what I think the key concern there would be. I just happen to have a fundamentally different worldview that ascribing pathology can be destructive rather than constructive. Especially, in some cases, when it comes at the expense of self-reflection.

 

Anyways, I think you give great advice. My only concern was with that point. And I think for us to have robust conversations, we should be able to identify where some advice might not be helpful. It's up to him to take it or leave it. Having said that, I'll take care not to make the comments seem specific to your feedback versus the general idea.

[boltnrun]

If you don't want it to happen again...block her.

 

If you don't want to block her...why not?

[Wolfshook]

If you don't want it to happen again...block her.

 

If you don't want to block her...why not?

 

This is good question, I suppose I am still waiting for her in a way... I'll probably block her when I get drunk anyway...

 

About her being narcissist, I dont think she is. She is actually very good and caring person,but it's obviously not enough. I could demonize her,but I don't like to, we all have our faults,and honestly she had more good sides than faults,and that's ok.

 

She is a good person,but we are just not ment to be. There are a lot of good girls out there and I try to believe that one is ment for me...

 

It was actually pretty weird to hear how hard this whole ordeal was for her, in a way it seemed that it was even harder than for me,but it's her hole that she dug, and her problem to deal with,she cant use me for her to feel better. So I suppose it is a time to block her.