how do you know when someone is cheating?

[annie03]

When you find out your husband has been making phone calls to an ex-girlfriend ,is having his bill sent to work, no interest in sex, has blocked your ability to even access his phone unless you know his pin # then tells you it was only a harmless phone call and he was drunk when he did it he is sorry and it meant nothing....would you feel this is cheating? I told him I didn't believe him and I wanted all the past bills and his phone unblocked. He said no because he has to use it at work and figured I'd go through it and call all the #'s on it and make him look like a fool. I said if you have nothing to hide and want my trust you'll do what I've requested. He has refused. I called the ex and left a message telling her I know about them and wanted to talk to her and she's never responded. What I feel is crazy is my husband claims since that one innocent call he made he's never talked to her again and he's not heard from her in response to my call to her. All in All he's twisted so much around in my head I'm feeling like I'm crazy and an insecure woman. anyway I need help.

[DragonGirl724]

omg! how long have you been married? i wouldnt tolerate this at all!!! i assume you 2 live together...is it possible for you to just pick up & leave? maybe retrieve to a family's home for a while? i really feel for you. i am so sorry your trust is being tainted with. this behavior of his is absolutly unacceptable & you are handling it quite well. he wont work with you on this so id pack up & ship out. stay away for a while let it hit him whats at stake here if he continues this crap!!!! this is all on you. you make the call...do you want to continue with this marriage..trust is the foundation & it seems to be crumbling...this is going to lead to more & more insecurities w/ him & future issues. the question here is: do you want to work on a marriage with serious trust issues?

 

-DG724

[poutylilsag]

How did you find out he called his ex? Also did he just recently start locking the phone and get the address on his bills changed? Has he always been this secretive? I would definitely been wanting answers better than him being drunk. I mean if he is going to use the phone for "work" then he only needs to be making work related calls. You could try to talk to him but doesnt sound like he is listening. Leaving for a few days may be a good idea. You cant make things work if he is just giving bs answers to talking to his ex. I mean usually if you feel the need to lock/hide things you know you are doing something wrong.

[Sn0man]

I wouldn't do anything too rash before you know for sure he is doing something wrong, and that you're not just over reacting. You could end up in some deep water if you make a mistake like that, and destroy your marriage.

[annie24]

I wouldn't do anything too rash before you know for sure he is doing something wrong, and that you're not just over reacting. You could end up in some deep water if you make a mistake like that, and destroy your marriage.

 

Ummmmmmm...... I don't know.... this is awfully suspicious behavior for a spouse. They share a household! So, why won't he show her a cell phone bill? Guess who's number is probably on there.....

 

Plus, he admitted to some drunk calls. What's a married man doing drunk dialing his exes?

 

Plus, no interest in sex? I'm so sorry you're going through this annie03. I think that you have to trust your gut instinct. You know this man. You are married to him. Do you feel that something is up? No, you're not crazy.

 

I really don't even think you need to do this, but you can call up the cell phone company, you know enough of his personal info, just ask the operator to send YOU a copy of the cell phone bill. You can even have it sent you your work address... however - I don't really think you need to - he's already admitted to calling the ex...

 

I think you should have a long talk with your husband. Tell him he's not fooling anyone. Get into martial counseling with him.

 

Good luck!

[tiger_lilies]

Bottom line is that if he wants the marriage to work, he needs to give up all his private information...cell phone code, e-mail access etc. Because if he keeps ANY secrets from his wife, then it just causes more suspicion.

 

He needs to give up his privacy to ensure that you feel confident that he is not sneaking around. If he doesn't, then I'm willing to bet that he's hiding something!

[Dissed]

Sadly I think you should trust your intuition because from my experience I found it to be incredibly accurate.

You often don't believe that someone that you trust & love can do this to you, so you don't follow it up but I think you are right in thinking he has something to hide otherwise he would not have a problem letting you know what you want to know.

[DN]

Bottom line is that if he wants the marriage to work, he needs to give up all his private information...cell phone code, e-mail access etc. Because if he keeps ANY secrets from his wife, then it just causes more suspicion.

 

He needs to give up his privacy to ensure that you feel confident that he is not sneaking around. If he doesn't, then I'm willing to bet that he's hiding something!

 

No one should have to give up all their private information, that is a gross invasion of privacy - this is not a police state and you have no right to demand it. Marriage does not give you the right to demand someone handtheir life over to you. In any event, no matter how much information he lets you have, if he wants to cheat he will. If you can't trust him - leave him.

[annie24]

well - I only agree with you partially DN. It seems to me that a marriage is a partnership. I mean, I don't know. I'm single. You've been married happily for 30 years. But, my single self was just reading a book last night by Suze Orman on personal finances. She just said so many times that a huge problem in marriages is not being up front about debts with the partner. If he's running up bills, but not letting her see, that is a huge deal! I was just reading a post by a woman who says that her husband (now separated) is ruining her credit! So, I do think that both people in a marriage have the right to know how the other one is spending money - especially if it's running up a cell phone bill talking to a lover.

[DN]

I agree about money, bu not or those reasons. My wife and I have a joint bank account and both of us know what is going in and out. But this is not to ensure that we know each other is not cheating - just that marriage is a financial as well as a romantic partnership and partners need to know financial matters - not least to be able to cope if the other should die suddenly.

 

But just because one partner suspects the other may be cheating after one possibly innocent phone call does not mean you can make unreasonable demands. How far does it go - demand to see private journals or diaries? Demand an accounting of how every minute of every day is spent? Demand to be able to verify that he was with a friend by calling the friend. Demand that the company provide you with copies of expense accounts? All these would be methods to try to prove that that no cheating is going on. And would almost certainly destroy the relationship. Most people would think these unreasonable - but many others would think demands to know phone codes etc. also unreasonable.

 

If you cannot trust your partners fidelity, then you should leave the relationship - as I said, if someone is going to cheat, they will find ways around these restrictions and so trust can never be established by these methods.

[OceanEyes]

If you cannot trust your partners fidelity, then you should leave the relationship - as I said, if someone is going to cheat, they will find ways around these restrictions and so trust can never be established by these methods.

 

This is very true. But, I think if I was married and this type of suspicious behaviour kept popping up, I would ask for proof that it was 'all in my head'. Making demands, getting reports and phone bills, etc. might be a way of proving infidelity, but it's still going to have the same result: lack of respect and trust. And, the person cheating will probably only go to greater lengths to conceal information in the future.

 

annie03: You seem to have an awful lot of doubt about your husband's sincerity at this point. You already distrust him a great deal, which will only grow along with resentment over time. If your husband can't agree to meet you halfway, discuss what's been going on, and agree to uphold his end of the marriage, then what's the point? He already seems to be keeping things from you, leaving you wondering whether or not he is an honourable man. This will probably end up getting 100 times worse in the future if he doesn't change his behaviour a bit.

 

Since you're married, I would definitely try to talk about things, and see where it goes. If you can't seem to gain any comfort through communication, then perhaps it's time to face the truth and find a lawyer.

[gladgurl]

have you tried going on the internet to access his phone bill online. from his cell phone provider. if you dont know the password, take his cell while hes sleeping turn the phone to vibrate, then have the password sent to from online the phone will ring and the password will show up.

[annie03]

He blocked all my access by telling the company I would have to provide a secret password to get information. I can't access the phone itself because he put in a 4 digit pin that only he knows.

[Iceman26]

Bottom line, if he didnt have anything to hide, he would give you the access code if you asked, and be able to answer any questions about the numbers he is calling.

[nikki19]

That man is clearly up to no good that's for sure. He's built a virtual fortress that his wife cannot breach. This has nothing to do with an average guy's privacy rights, that's a husband who doesn't want to be caught doing something he should not be doing, plain and simple. She has a right to know.