Vicitim of Sexual Harassment.

[twentyOnE]

Hello,

 

I am currently in a really great relationship with a girl/coworker for 6 months and we are both 23 years old. My girlfriend has never been in a relationship, had any sexual experiences so she was a virgin(i was her first), and she's always thought men as pigs(until she met me of course). I always thought perhaps she is a very naive girl who was raised in a very strict house, but she told me that she has been a victim of sexual harassment ever since she was a little girl.

 

At the age of 7 a random man would call her house and claim that he is a doctor. He would ask her what color her vagina is, and try to manipulate her to thinking that she has a disease there. She would just hang up the phone and never talked to this man again.

 

During high school, her tutor would forcefully try to kiss her at her own house. And when she resisted, he would grip her arm really hard and tell her to stop. She couldn't tell her parents because she thought it would break their heart.

 

And during college, a professor kept taking random pictures of her and writing her creepy emails. He would often invite her over to his house to watch a movie together. Ever since she declined he would give her a hard time in class by not giving her the grade she deserved. This happened at an Ivy League school.

I don't know why she didn't report this to anyone but she told me she didn't want to jepordize her school work and relations with other professors because of this incident.

 

Last night we had a department dinner for our company and we were both late. My director asked me why i was late so I told him that I had to go home and shower. He made a comment "I wonder what you did that you needed to shower." (subtlely saying we had sex)

 

My girlfriend after hearing that was very disgusted. She hates men who make those comments to her due to her past. I'm here trying to support her but I don't know what I should do to make her feel better. I'm just confused to what I am suppose to do as her man. I wanted her to report her professor and the tutor since they're still out there in this world commiting more sexual harassments to other innocent girls. I told her that if she took action now it can prevent other girls like her to become a victim but she doesn't want to do anything. She wants to just forget and move on.

 

Please give me some advice on what I can do for her and how I should handle this situation.

 

Thank you.

[ang3l2004]

She probably is so scared to talk about it and tell on them,She probably wants it to stay in her past and not open up a can of worms,You are her man so just be there for her comfort her and listen to her when and if she wants to talk about it,Dont be pushy about it because then she may start getting angry with you,Mabe you should talk with her about counseling mabe this could help out good luck to the both of you

[chai714]

I wanted her to report her professor and the tutor since they're still out there in this world commiting more sexual harassments to other innocent girls. I told her that if she took action now it can prevent other girls like her to become a victim but she doesn't want to do anything. She wants to just forget and move on.

 

You could report her professor, or anyone else who has sexually harassed her, but that will not get to the root of her problems. Realize that you can only help her, and not necessarily take out anyone who sexually harasses her.

 

You see, victims of sexual abuse (or in this case, sexual harassment) have the ability to block out their bad experiences from their mind. Some do completely, so they have almost no memory of their awful experiences. Often times, they would rather not address any of these bad experiences and just move forward and live their life as if it never happened. On the inside though, they're dying to be healed and would do anything to "feel normal" again. I'm not sure the severity of your girlfriends problems, but it does seem she suffered some childhood trauma as well as some adult trauma as well and she's not dealing with it. Help her, help herself.

 

What can you do as a boyfriend? First, I'd read up about it. Read books on sexual abuse victims, talk to professionals, post in forums where professional information is available. I urge you most importantly, to help her get professional help from someone. If you support her through this whole ordeal and have patience (because it could take a very long time for her to overcome these feelings) your relationship will improve 10 fold. WebMD actually has some forums and they are completely anonymous, so you can even discuss this matter with people on those boards as well.

[DN]

It seems to me that there are some odd things happening here.

 

A 7 year old gets random sexual calls - did no one else ever answer the phone?
 
Her tutor tried to forcefully kill her? That sounds unlikely.
 
And a professor took random photos and sexually harassed her.

 

It seems very coincidental that these disconnected things should happen to the same person. It is possible that these things did happen, but I would suggest that something is more likely to be going on in her head. Perhaps you could suggest that she see a counsellor or therapist who could help her discover what is happening or has happened to her. Don't say that you doubt her; just that you think a professional may be able to help her deal with ther past.

[cleverme123]

I don't mean to sound negative or harsh, but quite frankly the story that she has fed you seems to be quite off target. If her house was strict her parents wouldn't have let her answer the phone and I doubt seriously that a 7 year old would randomly get phone calls from someone pretending to be a doctor. The other stuff too seems odd. Totally off base is there a chance that maybe in her house she was molested or touched by someone. People that have been develop quite elaborate stories such as the ones she is telling. Not saying her professor is innocent but if she seriously had a problem she would either stop going to the class and putting herself in a position where the professor could harass her or she would take action against him. There is something else going on...I advise you to be extremely careful with this one, because you could be walking into a can of worms. I would suggest a counselor or some sort of therapist to her, if indeed all that stuff really did happen, she needs help. And if it didn't happen you need to find out why she's made such stories up.

[twentyOnE]

It seems to me that there are some odd things happening here.

 

A 7 year old gets random sexual calls - did no one else ever answer the phone?
 
Her tutor tried to forcefully kill her? That sounds unlikely.
 
And a professor took random photos and sexually harassed her.

 

 

sorry it was KISS

[arwen]

Hey twentyone,

 

I always turn so angry when I see that victims of sexual assaults are often victims that have experienced more than one assault. I have two friends who have been abused several times by completely different and unrelated men. I try to understand how it is possible that a personal history like this, somehow seems to keep repeating itself.

 

I think you being with her now might break this circle. Of course her view on men is 'infected' with the experiences that she was forced to have in her past. As for the men that are still traceable, I'd say she stands up for herself, and report them.

 

I was filmed naked while cooling down and later getting dressed in a solarium. It's not the same as being touched or forced to touch someone, but it was horrible anyway. I went to the police straight away and I was surprised how serious they took it. The guy could be traced because the suncentre had his information. It was my word against his, but he has a report on his name now. He only has to do it once more to get arrested. So, even if it doesn't change her past experience, it's good to report it I think.

 

Good luck!

 

ilse.