Really disturbed by what happened to me.. can't relax :(

[Lovelavie]

So long story short, about two months ago I met this guy at a club. He wanted to hook up with me but we only exchanged numbers since I thought he was a nice person and we started texting each other the next day. Two days later we went out together with his friends and and a friend of mine and we went to the same club after going to a bar. My expectation was for us to hook up, but he didn't make a move on me so I just thought it was his way, and as time went by I tried to hook up with him and he flipped saying he had an "expiration date" (?) and that he didn't want anything anymore. He started treating me really bad out of the blue and I assumed he was just crazy. We all left the club later on and I even cried because of his attitudes and he felt bad and then apologized. I later on went to talk to him about this and he told me he thought I wanted to hook up with another guy and he spent the entire time "jealous" of what I might do so that's why he flipped on me, when in reality I would never do that to him and I spent the entire time with him.

 

Yes, I know that this is enough to know that this guy is crazy but stupid me went on to give him another chance since he was a nice guy... we had common interests, we had fun together etc...

From the beginning he made it clear that he liked me and that he thought I was "different", and that kind of scared me because I wasn't ready for anything serious yet so I stopped talking to him for a few days but then realized that I should just see how things go and we went out again and again, and talked basically everyday and he was always sweet. BUT, he always had a temper, mood swings. Sometimes, he'd be happy and then he'd be mad about something I did that I had no idea of and would shut down and start acting weird. From the beginning, he was always a hard person to deal with, but again... I decided to give him chances because part of him actually seemed mature. In a way, it was weird because there was these two extremes...

 

Anyways, we had our number of fights, for weird reasons, but we always tried to work them out. Until one day he flipped out again and left me in the middle of the street in my car and went home just because we were going to a bar but I didn't feel like drinking. Like, what? So we got into this huge fight and went a week without talking to each other and then we had to meet again because I had forgotten my sunglasses with him. It was clear that things were unresolved between us and that we still liked each other. We ended up kissing and sleeping together again and we "got back together". I thought things finally would take off now, we were getting along better and our communication was better, it seemed like both of us were getting on the same track.

 

Well, yesterday we went out to eat and everything was fine. Then I asked him if we could to a bar to get a drink and he said we could but had to leave early since he had to work today, which was fine by me. So we went to the bar along with a friend of his. The thing is, he was acting weird in the car and continued acting weird in the bar, but I decided it was just another one of his "moments" and kind of left him alone, we weren't being very affectionate to each other but I thought it was something in his head. We left the bar and I started getting mad because he wouldn't let go of his attitude, so I said "you know what? I give up, don't need to talk to me anymore" and he said "ok, I don't wanna be with you anymore". And there was a moment of silent like what???

 

He suddenly flipped said he didn't want to be with me anymore JUST BECAUSE. And then he said: you know what you did, don't be cynical... giving me a clue that I did something in the bar, like flirt with someone or exchange eye contact when in reality I'm the most chill person on earth ... especially if I'm with someone I'll never disrespect them on that level. I did NOTHING at that bar but he made a story in his head of something that didn't even happen. He is a jealous person, he's even jealous of other guys looking at me, which is like, something I can't even control, so let's just say he had some huge insecurity issues and he projected them on me. We even had talks about this before and he thought "jealously" was normal, on all levels.. for some reason he just had this huge insecurity and would treat me badly for something even I didn't know I had done. When we'd go out he'd be like "oh you're looking at that guy... so you look at guys?" And I'd probably not even seen the person he was talking about and as if there was something wrong in looking at someone you find attractive. Not staring but geez it's normal, both guys and girls do it.

 

Well, turns out we had plans for this weekend and for the next ones, he was all in love with me and from something he created on his head he "broke up" with me. Called me a fake person and acted like he had no feelings at all. It was bizarre, I have never gone through this with anyone. He was so cold towards me and he didn't even give me a reason for what he did. I feel so tense now because he treated me with such indifference out of the blue because of something he made up in his head when in reality I had so much respect for him, I haven't been talking to any other guy, I was actually getting serious about him and wanted to take him seriously and he made it look like I'm just some B*tch which is something I have never done to anyone in my life, never cheated or anything.

 

I know this guy doesn't deserve me but I just feel like he ruined my day. I feel awful because I got blamed for something I didn't even do and lost someone who I thought was a good person. I guess I just wanna know if anyone has ever gone through this? I've usually dated guys who were extra confident and had no jealously so dating someone who is jealous of basically everything is new and scary to me...

[Wiseman2]

You may want to get to know guys more slowly under better circumstances like dating first before planning drunken hook-ups. That way you don't throw all the intensity into the mix before you really know someone.

 

He sounds insecure, jealous and full of head games and moods, basically too much work and a headache you don't need.

he thought "jealously" was normal, on all levels.. for some reason he just had this huge insecurity and would treat me badly for something even I didn't know I had done. When we'd go out he'd be like "oh you're looking at that guy... so you look at guys?"

[agent1607307371]

and lost someone who I thought was a good person.

 

But what you thought is not what is. You've dodged a bullet, he is not someone who is good for you.

[Lovelavie]

This was something that was just really insane to me. I felt like he was a bipolar person. He had this great, sweet side to him but he would transform into this mean, careless person all of a sudden and so full of himself... I guess good thing is things ended before they even started

[journeynow]

he made a story in his head of something that didn't even happen. He is a jealous person

 

This is important to know about him. He believes the story in his head and judges you for it, blames you. You've known him 2 months and didn't know this sooner because he hadn't revealed that side of himself. I understand it feels distorted to be on the receiving end, it feels off to be blamed for something you didn't do, but I don't think you can fix it with someone like this. You don't have to accept his story, nor blame him for creating it, or even try to change him, but take the information for what it is and give him a wide berth. Learn and move on.

[ParisPaulette]

This guy had so many red flags flying how did you not see this. I mean, I'm sitting here and I was only halfway through your post and I'm looking over my shoulder and thinking, "Wait, do you hear that? Yeah, that's the sound scary makes...oh!"

 

You need to STOP and reassess why you didn't see these things as total red flags and put as much space between you and this guy as humanly possible. Hell, I'd practically have been on an airplane for the next country or out purchasing a giant Doberman, that's the level of insanity this guy is oozing.

 

Just run and don't look back. Don't you have any sense of self-preservation? And I don't mean that to be harsh, but seriously why didn't this just scare you away the first time. You keep going back telling yourself "But he was nice that first time..." Well, yeah so was Ted Bundy, they're all nice the first time. It's how they treat you as time goes on that is the thing, NOT how they acted a first time when they were luring you in.

 

The only thing you did wrong was continue any association with this guy after the first time he raged at you over nothing.

 

Why do you think this was ever going to be a "good thing" since that was only ever in your head and not at all reality. Every sociopath or worse is able to present a "good side," but it's the bad side that puts you in the hospital or terrorizes you or at best damages your self-esteem to the point you're actually sitting there wondering what you did wrong to trigger the type of rage that clearly had nothing to do with you and everything to do with this guy needing a blip ton of therapy.

 

P.S. I worked in a women's shelter for 16 years, hon this level of unreasonable and as you said scary jealousy is a clear red warning flag that this guy could turn physically abusive. You didn't just dodge a bullet by this break up, it may well have saved your life. And I don't say that lightly, but this one IS scary. You need to wake up. The "confident" guys you dated before aren't confident, they just don't have serious mental and emotional damage that makes them go Jekyll and Hyde. This one does and all you did wrong was try to keep projecting normalcy on him. There is none.

[ThatwasThen]

This was something that was just really insane to me. I felt like he was a bipolar person. He had this great, sweet side to him but he would transform into this mean, careless person all of a sudden and so full of himself... I guess good thing is things ended before they even started

 

That is how ALL abusers are. I suspect had you not broken up, eventually he would be beating you. Be glad he's gone and what ever you do, do NOT take him back again. He's unstable and he needs a lot of therapy and anger management classes (maybe not even then) before he'd ever make anyone a good partner.

 

Be glad he's gone.

[Lovelavie]

I feel so relieved to read these replies. Thank you. I have honestly been feeling exhausted for the whole day, like he completely took out all of my energy, you know? I guess I didn't leave before because part of me was needy and he gave me the attention I wanted, but hell it was sure not worth the ride. Thinking about the most serious issues we had he would always neglect me. Like when he left me in the middle of the night, or when he turned around and walked away when I asked him to take a picture of my friends and I at a rave and he didn't agree with it because he thought somebody would steal my phone so he just turned around and left me there. Didn't say goodbye, nothing.

 

I am so glad this was over before it even began because this guy would do some serious damage to my mental health...

Well anyways, I'm glad to see this guy was really nuts and I'm not just overreacting.

[catfeeder]

I later on went to talk to him about this

 

This makes no sense. When someone mistreats you, walk away. Period.

[Wiseman2]

It wasn't a relationship. If you would like a relationship try building one from a dating situation first. You dodged a player who was charming you for hook-ups and got snarky at any relationship-like things.

the most serious issues we had he would always neglect me. Like when he left me in the middle of the night

[SoulTaker]

This guy had so many red flags flying how did you not see this. I mean, I'm sitting here and I was only halfway through your post and I'm looking over my shoulder and thinking, "Wait, do you hear that? Yeah, that's the sound scary makes...oh!"

 

PP, you're more tolerant than me. I could get through only the 1st paragraph before knowing that she needed to walk away during the date, and not after (which she also didn't do). It comes across as a lack of self-esteem. Crying over a man on only the 1st date. Staying with someone who treats her with a blatant lack of respect... None of this makes any sense.

[Ms Darcy]

I think you need to look deep inside yourself and ask: "why don't I have common sense?"

 

If it's because you never learned it from your parents, I think simply following ena guidance for a while is a good substitute.

[Lovelavie]

I have always been a person who tries to understand all sides of the story. If I stand in the middle of a fight with two friends I'll never take a side, I could agree with one more than the other, but I'll always try to see what both sides are saying and come to a conclusion and I have projected that on my relationships, which made me accept things I shouldn't have.

I don't miss him even though I still have feelings for him. He came looking for me this other day complaining that I vanished. Of course I vanished, you made it clear you wanted nothing to do with me. Either leave or stay, can't do with this psychological games.

[TiredOfDating]

He's a narcissist. Look it up. His actions are textbook narcissism. It's not jealousy. Your first clue was his "expiration date" comment on your first date. You didn't hook up with him the night you met him, so he was punishing you by not hooking up when YOU wanted to. It's about control.

 

Walk away. No contact, ever. You leave your sunglasses with him? Buy a new pair.