Relationship built on a rocky foundation

[ShannonM10]

I have some previous posts about my breakup where my ex ended things for a variety of reasons and immediately hopped into a relationship with another girl. He met her a month before we broke up, about 4 days before we bought a house together. He def emotionally cheated but I don't think physically did anything with her until he pulled the plug, prob to ease his guilt. I know there were other issues and the girl wasn't the reason for the ultimate breakup, she just made it that much easier. My question is, do relationships that start on lies and deceitfulness last? In my mind its a rocky foundation, and this chick has displayed some weirdness but I walked away with my head held high. If that's what he wants, go for it. I guess since some of you posters have had more experience then me, I wonder if you have experienced seeing these relationships flourish, or if they are doomed to fail because they are built on a false foundation. How can you feel good about this person you got involved with when they were involved with someone else or you were involved with someone else? Is history just going to repeat itself? Just ponderings...thanks guys.

[melancholy123]

I dont see how a relationship built on lies and deceit could flourish. The liar/deceiver would have to do some serious work to regain the trust of the other partner, it could likely involve counselling to prove they are serious about sorting things out.

[Wiseman2]

Hard to predict if this type of thing lasts. But some of these relationships are like subways. You get on at point A ride along then get off at point B.

[Jibralta]

This site is just littered with people who accept lies and disrespect from their partners over and over again, totally resistant to advice to leave the situation. They are only able to walk part of the way down the path to freedom before they turn tail and run back to that safe, painful place. So yeah, those relationships can last.

[ShannonM10]

That's very true, a lot of people turn a blind eye. I just don't understand how you can have a healthy relationship and trust your partner when you saw them treat a long term gf in such a callous way (ie. me). Wouldn't you be worried that he would do the same thing to you? Wouldn't it make you sick to your stomach that he was texting you while you knew he had a gf and you were just waiting on the sidelines for him to pull the pin? Who knows what was fed to her by him, but I just think going into that situation you would kind of think its not a good idea and move on to someone that isn't tangled in a long term commitment. I just don't know how you could have any trust.

[Ms Darcy]

How can you feel good about this person you got involved with when they were involved with someone else or you were involved with someone else? Is history just going to repeat itself? Just ponderings...thanks guys.

 

You really don't have enough information about the nature of their relationship to make all of these assumptions. The question really is - does any relationship have the chance to last? The answer is yes.

[lostlove76]

This really isn't an answer to your question, but I think that anyone who would be with someone while he/she is in a relationship is completely lacking in morals themselves. The cheater certainly has no morals, nor does the person who participates in the cheating with them. Therefore, this person probably doesn't really even have the insight or maturity to worry about whether he'll do the same thing to her.

 

Similar to your situation, my ex met someone a month or two before we broke up for the final time (it was on and off with us for two years). I don't know the extent of their togetherness before we broke up, but they quickly jumped into something afterwards. It's been 5 weeks since we last talked, and I believe that she is now living with him. This woman is married, and left her husband and kids to move 4.5 hours away and in with my ex. Neither of them have any morals whatsoever. She didn't know about me, but my ex surely knows about her husband. But my ex doesn't care and she doesn't care. They're having fun and feeling good, and that's all that matters. Therefore, who cares if it's wrong!? I hope it blows up in their faces. I can't stand the thought of them living happily ever after. But I can see it happening, because the deceit behind it all is of no significance to either of them, and won't affect anything. These people are narcissistic and selfish, and they live in the present moment without a care in the world about anyone else.

 

Sorry, feels good to vent I guess. I wish I had the answer to your question!

[ShannonM10]

It always feels good to vent, I understand that. I feel like I am still venting all the time about this and its going on almost 9 months since the actual breakup and about 4 months of no contact. lostlove76, your exes situation sounds way less likely to work out then mine but I guess we cannot predict the future. There were never any breakups or talks of breaking up once in our relationship...so thats about all I have going for me, and the fact that I am a pretty normal cool chick...which wasnt enough in the end for my ex and he moved on to what he thought is greener pastures....but they sound like crazy greener pastures. I guess the trick is to get to the point where you dont care about there relationship anymore....which is something I still dont know how to do.

[lostlove76]

It's confusing and heartbreaking, isn't it? I don't know how not to care either. I guess it just takes a lot of time. It's so hurtful, so confusing, such a blow to the ego. I'm sorry you're going through this! I definitely know how you feel.

 

Like you, I consider myself to be pretty normal and cool (I certainly have my issues, but who doesn't), and this girl he's now with is straight-up crazy, trashy, married, and uneducated. It's gotten me thinking about why some guys go for the crazy girls. Maybe because it's fun and exciting? Less pressure? Less serious? I really don't know.

 

Given the timing of your breakup (coinciding with the purchase of a house together), it sounds to me like he freaked about taking it to the next level, and ran. It's a horrible thing to do to someone.

 

When I'm trying my best not to care about my situation, I remind myself that these people have no class, no morals, no empathy. They aren't good people. We (you, I) deserve better than that. Hopefully they will screw each other over, and your guy will realize how stupid he was to throw away what you guys had. I think it's a possibility that he'll eventually realize, but who knows how long that will take.

 

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[catfeeder]

It always feels good to vent, I understand that. I feel like I am still venting all the time about this and its going on almost 9 months since the actual breakup and about 4 months of no contact.

 

The problem with this kind of venting is that it keeps you feeling good about feeling bad. It's a form of stagnation, and it only spins you into a deeper hole to climb out of. Have you noticed?

 

I'd quit the speculation about ex's whatever-he's-doing, and I'd focus instead on a private goal of surprising everyone, including myself, with my resilience and ability to bounce back. I'd invest in spending time with family and friends, not for the comfort they can provide, but for the opportunity to give to them your time and energy--especially when you least feel up for that.

 

In hindsight, you will thank yourself.

 

Emotions follow behaviors, not the other way around. I'd focus on behaving my way out of an unprofitable cycle of mind spins over ex. This doesn't make him taboo to think about on occasion, but devoting valuable time to speculating about him while he's moved forward will only keep you in a 'left behind' feeling rather than a productive, moving forward focus that will help you to thrive.

 

Head high, and be proud.

[ShannonM10]

Thanks catfeeder, as usual your insight is inspiring and helpful. I have been spinning and keeping myself in limbo...I know I need to work on my thought patterns and over analyzing. It's something I am going to dedicate my time to for now on, otherwise I am going to feel "stuck" forever.