why can't i move on

[billfever]

I've written about the relationship I was in before on this site so I won't go into the details. I just don't understand why I can't get over her. Why am I still stuck on someone that let go of me? After the break up she said she wanted me in her life because she cared about me, valued me. In the first few months after we had regular contact (long distance). As time went on she pulled further and further away. We rarely have contact now. Any communication we do have is initiated by her (if I call her she won't answer, same with texting). She will call every once in a while to say "hi". I realize more and more she isn't even the same person I fell in love with. I'm starting to see that what we had, all that we did, really was just a mistake as she said. She once told met that she regretted "crossing the line" with me that she only did it because she was vulnerable. I think I finally see that now. The person that I originally met and got to know is gone. The person that she is now is I guess more like who she was before me. She went through a bad period a couple of years ago, lost contact with friends, bad anxiety/depression. That's when she met me. For a time I was her world and she was mine. Then she started to recover. Friends came back into her life. She didn't want to see me as much, contact began to dwindle. I guess looking back I see now that it was all just a mistake. It's not to say I didn't contribute to the problems, I certainly did. I'm just having a hard time coming to this realization that it all meant nothing. What was a real love/romance for me was a rebound (in a manner of speaking) for her. why does that bother me? Is it just my ego that is causing me this pain? I wanted it all to mean something and it didn't? I wanted her to remember out time together? I guess it doesn't matter now.

 

I'm causing myself more and more pain by holding on. God help me I can't figure out why I still love her. She has moved on and I'm still stuck in the past. It's not her fault I'm stuck, it's not her fault I have feelings for her. She had every right to move on and live the life she wanted. Yet, I'm angry. I'm mad that she ever came into my life. I'm mad that she moved on so easily. I'm mad at myself for being weak. I just wish I could forget her. I wish I could wipe my memories clean. What was the point of it all?

[Pdewitt]

Sounds like she may have found someone new. I know you dont want to hear that but with the contact only coming when she reaches out is a little sketchy. But your right she moved on. I'm going through that also, it's tough but you will prevail. Block her and start NC not as a means to get her back button start healing. Don't respond when she contacts you. Think of all the things in your life you do have. It'll get easier as the days go by.

 

Good luck

[Wiseman2]

Being stuck in the friendzone is not helping. You need to block her on everything, including your phone. Also you need to check out dating apps to see what else is out there and start messaging/meeting women.

She will call every once in a while to say "hi".

[Saxbeliever]

...Any communication we do have is initiated by her (if I call her she won't answer, same with texting). She will call every once in a while to say "hi". I realize more and more she isn't even the same person I fell in love with. I'm starting to see that what we had, all that we did, really was just a mistake as she said...

 

I'm causing myself more and more pain by holding on. God help me I can't figure out why I still love her. She has moved on and I'm still stuck in the past....What was the point of it all?

 

I'm in a similar place myself. I love a girl I no longer speak to. We haven't spoken for 7 months except for once over a month ago when she called me. I have learned through this that my hope must be placed elsewhere. If we hold onto hope that they will come around we keep ourselves from enjoying other things. Everything will be perceived through a lens that points to her. Like you, I need to let go for the sake of regaining my identity. The details and the is and outs and the history don't mean anything because it is not a puzzle we can solve or that needs solving. Finding comfort in a fragile girl that needs someone to boost her self esteem when she is vulnerable is going to block true healing in us. Until we stop seeing their woundedness through rose colored glasses we will remain woulded ourselves. I want to be healthy. I want to have healthy friendships and relationships that build up rather than dismantle. No matter how bad I want things to work, I can't make it work by myself. Until that girl is willing to make it work, stop trying to carry her load for her.

[No1]

Okay, how can I say this...getting over a heartbreak comes with many facets. Its not as simple as someone saying "Go No Contact" What good is that? Its like saying here.. build this house using only wood.. one of the many facets is a mindset. So lets start with something simple... change your vocabulary. Instead of saying "Cant" like you did in your title, change it to "havent" Why havent you moved on. Cant is a word that sounds so final.. havent on the other hand gives you room to move. So use "havent" instead.

Well, I do have to say you are pretty much in tuned with your feelings, thats good.. and it sounds like you have tons of questions, questions that youll never get answers to. At least from her so what do you do with those questions? You let them go. You have resigned and protected yourself by saying she is not the same person. In fact she is the same person, but she is not the same person to you. When you were dating her she didnt act that way to all of her friends. She reserved that special relationship person only to you. Now that you are no longer dating you dont see that side of her.

if you didnt already know, she stayed in contact with you so she could separate from you. She used you in that way. You thought that it might help her come back to you but in fact she used it to ease the loss of the relationship. Please dont do this to yourself and ask if it was never real, or if she ever loved you. You know the answer to that, its your defensive wall that is trying to rationalize what happened. Truth is, you two had great times, wonderful memories and thats what you take with you. It was real, but its over. Im sorry

Love and Life is not a race or has a scoreboard. Its not a race to see who can get over who first. Ive been there asking why my X is out there having fun while I am suffering. Truth is... it doesnt matter. You have to live your life and not worry about how far along our Xs are or how far behind they are. So change your mindset, know that youll be okay. In fact you didnt say that at all in your post. Not once did yourself a chance.. know and believe you are going to find happiness again..

[No1]

Sounds like she may have found someone new. I know you dont want to hear that but with the contact only coming when she reaches out is a little sketchy. But your right she moved on. I'm going through that also, it's tough but you will prevail. Block her and start NC not as a means to get her back button start healing. Don't respond when she contacts you. Think of all the things in your life you do have. It'll get easier as the days go by.

 

Good luck

 

 

See PD... youre helping.. you said you wanted to..

[Clinton]

Getting over a significant relationship is neither easy or quick. But you have to be willing to do the work in order to recover.

 

Acceptance is the key. Even if you still love her you have to accept it's over and be willing to try and move on. You can't be in contact with an ex, hope they'll come back and expect to heal.

 

That's why NC is a solid tool. It removes the source of your pain. They can't keep reopening the wound. And eventually, sometimes after way more time than we'd like, we heal.

 

But you have to choose to take the first step. And that's cutting them off and accepting there's no happy ending.

[billfever]

Thank you for your response. I think you are right, there is likely someone else now...she has moved on. I have to find a way to move on.

[billfever]

I never really thought that she was staying in contact to get over me. But it does make sense. At first she contacted me daily and now, months later, it's virtually non-existent. I've been deluding myself, actually believing she wanted friendship or still cared. I'm just having the hardest time accepting that it's over even though it has been for some time.

 

thank you for your words I appreciate it

[Ms Darcy]

There's something you get from hanging on emotionally. Ask yourself what that is and find something you want more than that. For example, it actually may be that feeling angry at her makes you feel a little better sometimes.