The one that got away: I was a massive idiot!

[RuedeRivoli]

Hi all,

 

I have been feeling very very regretful for the past 6 months or so.

 

There is this guy (who happens to be three years younger)* I worked with last year, who at the time, made it pretty clear he was into me. He was really trying to talk to me, but I was so defensive due to the baggage I carried resulting from the last fling, that I kept rejecting him. I wasn't sure if he liked me or was being a player, so I was extremely defensive, downright rude one time. I liked him, but he made me nervous and I behaved in the worst way. I just wasn't over my "ex" and had rose-tinted glasses on.

 

*He was 21 at the time and I was 24.

 

He backed off and left the company afterwards. I didn't think much of it at the time, because I was still pinning over my ex.

 

Fast forward, in January, I moved countries and healed from the fling that remained on my mind. I met guys, but I wasn't into them. Then, for some odd reason, I started thinking of this guy from work. It then really hit me that I made a massive mistake. He was a true gentleman with a nice personality. I rejected him yet he kept coming back trying to make me warm up to him. I was a massive idiot! Since January, I've been telling myself that if I ever were to move back to his country/city, I'd try to reconnect. Well, a few weeks ago, I found out he's actually moving to where I am currently located. He's not attached.

 

I realize how much of an idiot I was. Also, the fact that we worked together didn't help because people were basically interferring the entire time.

 

We're friends on Facebook, but we obviously don't talk. I really would like to try and reconnect with him. It's been on my mind for months, way before I found out about his move over here.

 

How should I proceed? I'm really regretting letting this one go, because now I gather he's got all the qualities I'm looking for (despite a few flaws that aren't dealbreakers).

 

Thanks.

[Jibralta]

I don't think you should run into this with the conviction that you were a complete idiot the first time. I'm not saying you weren't an idiot, but sometimes the first reaction is the right one. Go ahead and initiate contact. But get to know him for a while before coming to any conclusions.

[RuedeRivoli]

Thank you very much for your input!

 

I'm not gonna lie though, he caught my eye the first time I saw him, but I was still reeling from the pain that I blocked myself from being interested in him. I recognized he was a great guy from the beginning, but I thought all men were jerks at the time. Hence, I didn't even give him the chance to more or less show his personality. I wasn't willing to give anyone a chance, really.

 

At the time, I liked him and quickly saw he was a gentleman, but I thought my ex and I would wind up together ... A romanced idea that I ended up departing from. It's that very same idealistic idea that prevented me from pursuing something with this guy, not because I disliked him.

[Wiseman2]

"Hi xyz, I saw the post about you moving to my area, would you like to get together after you arrive?"

I moved countries and healed from the fling that remained on my mind. I met guys, but I wasn't into them. Then, I started thinking of this guy from work. We're friends on Facebook, but we obviously don't talk. he's actually moving to where I am currently located.

[Sportster2005]

Sorry, I wouldn't give a woman the time of day under these circumstances. I have on a few occasions, and it's just led to nothing but wasted effort and wasted time. And I'm sure you're sincere. It's just bad timing. If it's not there at the beginning/first time, it will never be there.

 

I would be happy to be proven wrong. But that's my experience in these circumstances, and most people I know.

[RuedeRivoli]

As I said, the problem wasn't that I wasn't into him. On the very contrary. I really liked him in a romantic sense/was attracted to him (very very attracted to him). I just wasn't ready. Everyone knew we liked each other.

 

Furthermore, it's hard to develop such romantic connection at work, especially when people literally trying to mind something that wasn't their business.

 

There were two problems: 1. I was completely closed off 2. We worked together.

[therandomdude]

Do you still work on the same company as he does? Since he was moving back. You can try and talk to him on facebook and see how he responds, but like others have mentioned he might have moved on. If you like him I'd say it is atleast worth a try!

[RuedeRivoli]

No, he left the company last year and I so did I shortly after.

 

We met at work in his home country where I had relocated to for that job. I wound up moving back to where I went to college and he's moving over here. It's a foreign country to him.

 

I know he's single, but I know it's been a while, so I'm not holding my breathe here. Given my behavior towards him, I'm not going into this with major expectations. I'm just wondering as to how I should proceed so I don't come on too strong. I don't want him to think "now that I'm moving there, she's suddenly interested". I'm sure he will be confused by my sudden interest, so I would need to at least warm up to him as an acquaintance first.

[Itchy]

You weren't an idiot, you were mature and sensible. You are berating yourself for no reason. Sometimes things just don't go the way we want them to go. All we can do is carry marching forward.

[Ms Darcy]

It sort of sounds like you want what you can't have. You wanted your ex fling 6 months ago. Now, you want this guy. I wouldn't really advise going for him. But that's just me.

[RuedeRivoli]

It sort of sounds like you want what you can't have. You wanted your ex fling 6 months ago. Now, you want this guy. I wouldn't really advise going for him. But that's just me.

 

I want what I can't have? I'm not the kind to play mouse and cat. I've always wanted this guy, but I wasn't ready to act on it. I've rejected plenty of guys in the past and never have I looked back, even when they were taken and I was single because I know there was a reason why I rejected them at the time. With this one, it's slightly different. My rejection had nothing to do with him or how I felt towards him. It had to do with me. I didn't want to try and pursue something knowing I wouldn't be able to fully deliver because I was closed off. Hence, I chose not to put him in a situation which would later on be tricky. I wouldn't have been fair on him.

 

I got dumped by the guy/"fling" and it took me a very very long time to get over him. It's not like I had dumped the fling, but then realized I wanted him overnight.

I was in pain, like plenty of other people when they get dumped. Once you get burned, you don't re-open your heart that easily. Now that I've sobered up, I'm willing to put myself out there again.

 

Like I said, I really wanted to pursue something with this guy from work. My friends know this because I kept talking about him all the time and how much I liked him. However, I was not ready. It had nothing to do with him. I was scared as hell of rejection, pain, you name it. I don't see how this is something nobody seems to grasp.

[shessofly]

You say you "behaved in the worst way". Not sure what that means but you could start by apologizing for your behavior toward him.

[RuedeRivoli]

Out of the blue after one year? I would need to get the conversation going first. I can't just apologize randomly.

 

I will but I'm looking for a neutral way to reconnect, first.

[dave_1966]

You said you were downright rude to him, explain how? If someone was 'downright rude' to me I'm not sure I'd want to reconnect with them.