Cheated on for years without my knowledge!

[Arora]

This is lengthy but worh the read- I'm a 24 yo female and I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years. Everything started off fantastic we were always together he made me feel like the best person in the world.. Although he hadid a secret.. he was already sleeping with his best friends little sisters friend. I ended up moving in with him AND his mother due to personal reasons at home and he gradually started going to his best friends more and more to the point where he wouldn't come homega till 6 in the morning. Now he fed me with lies and told me him and his friend were just hanging and playing xbox. His best friend lived with his mum who allowed anyone to the house at anytime of the day night and I should have seen the signs. Anyway 3 years into our relationship I am still very much in love until I use his laptop and he has left his Facebook on. I couldn't help myself.. casually browsing on the messages there was a message from a girl who I have seen her name before (she is his best mates sisters friend.. who text him at.at the beginning of our relationship and my boyfriend said she just buys dvds from me) anyway the message read 'come back into my room' I should have known something was going on .. I confronted him and he said she was just messing around as she always was at his best friends because of the sister. It wasnt enough to prove cheating. A few months after this I get a message out of the blue off this girl basically telling me I have been cheated on for the whole of my relationship up until this point (3 years) and how she knows he loves me but she had to get it off her chest to move on. She told me all the details .. he used to drive her home from his best friends and have sex in the car.. she came round to mine and had sex with him when I wasn't there.. she knew things about my life like they were emotionally close yet I knew nothing of her. I couldn't beleive it and kept calm. I confronted my boyfriend and he said that she is crazy and she fancies him and is jelous of me which was part true but he denied cheating. I ended up staying like a fool there was no proof. The girl said she would meet me to show me old texts but nothing came of it. I stayed by him doubting but couldn't prove. A few months ago bearing in mind I have been with him 6 years now, I guessed his Facebook password I have been feeling upset for years over this cheating alligation. I went to his archived messages ones that arent visible on normal messages. Funnily enough there were messages ofthis girl from years ago proving he was cheating he was telling her she looked nice.. how he wishes he was behind her.. you know the rest. And I didn't know what to do I finally found the truth. I was distraught I've been with him 6 years and he has been unfaithful for years until 3 years ago when it ended with him. I confronted him again this time telling he I know he has cheated. He still tried to deny it i threatened to leave and there and then and he broke down and admitted it and said it only happened a few times and it was ages ago it meant nothing. What upsets me though it that they were emotionally close as well as physically. Also in the moment of my boyfriend crying his eyes out apologising he admitted she still texts him to this day sending pictures of me to his phone calling me ugly and he picked the wrong girl. I had no idea this was all going on its crazy. He apparently doesn't text he back though and doesn't have the messages as he has deleted them. I said I know this happened years ago but you still cheated on me for years, I said I will stay with you if you change your number and you can promise a future with us two marriage kids etc. Obviously he promised so it was now a waiting game for him to change his number. He ended up coming up with a bul excuse people have still got his number from ages ago and he has had his number for years. He said there was nothing I could do he wasn't changing it.. if he changes it the girl would jot be able to contact him. I know reading this you are probably thinking you stupid girl you with this guy. No one understands the feelings you have when you are in this position. Please someone help me give me opinions bearing in mind I love this guy so.much and have grown up with him. Also I want to get married and have kids he isn't ready and probably never will be. He is 31 I am 24. Thanks for reading

[ThatwasThen]

What can we tell you other then get yourself OUT of that relationship so that you can heal and find someone that isn't like him? You could ask him to go to couples counselling together so that you can learn to trust him again and he can learn how to make it so you can. If he won't go, then just leave now because without talking this over together, with a professional, the chances that he'll do this again are high and the ability for you to forgive and forget will be nil.

 

Now that you know all this, every time he's five minutes late or hasn't called you in a while, or is working over-time, you're going to assume he's back at it.

[Wiseman2]

I would cut my losses because in the place of the things you want (marriage kids, etc) You are getting what he wants (fooling around, lying, etc.)

he said that she is crazy. it only happened a few times and it was ages ago it meant nothing. crying his eyes out apologising he admitted Also I want to get married and have kids he isn't ready and probably never will be. He is 31 I am 24. Thanks for reading

[Arora]

Thanks for replying

 

He won't go to that he keeps saying that it was years ago it was a mistake. I know it wasn't a mistake as that only happens once. And your right I am super paranoid whenever he goes on a night out or when he is a late from work. I can't live like this but I am scared of ending the relationship I've been with him for so long. If I leave I would have to move back to my parents.

[n83]

This is a serious question: Did you have a question here? Or was this just more venting...?

 

Personally - I left someone after 6 years. And this is someone I thought was the love of my life. I loved him, and still do love him. We were even raising my son together. We broke up not too long ago, in fact. Is it hard? YES. EXTREMELY HARD.

 

But you know what else is extremely hard? Staying at home taking care of little kids while your husband is out partying and banging his friends.

 

You want marriage and kids with this loser? Well, be careful what you wish for.

 

If I were you, I'd be worrying less about him, and more about yourself and why you are putting up with such a lowlife.

[Wiseman2]

So? That's not a reason to hang out in a relationship that is not going anywhere and he walks all over you cheating and lying, is it?

If I leave I would have to move back to my parents.

[RainyCoast]

I said I will stay with you if you change your number and you can promise a future with us two marriage kids etc.

 

Also I want to get married and have kids he isn't ready and probably never will be.

when did he tell you he wasn't ready to have kids? why don't you believe it? it's like you're wanting to use the cheatin as an excuse to punitively extort marriage and kids out of him.

 

the thing is, to keep doing this for years and lie about it for years and refuse to break contact with the girl- he has to want to cheat pretty badly.

 

ultimatums are most often in the last resort category- once it has come to that, you need to back your "or else" up with actions, otherwise you're just conditioning the other to continue to disregard you completely as if the behavior you are bothered with will not ahve consequences- because it won't, unless you materialize your "or else".

 

he kept his number, and his little sl-ehm-t, and his willingly blind girlfriend too.

 

you want kids, marriage, loyalty, he is clear about not intending to provide it.

 

i fear you'll continue to stick around hoping you can somehow morph him into Mr Husband because you are so set on your dream of family life that you'll try to twist reality to fit it. it sucks but it'll suck worse when you're in labor and he is texting his bleep. we have those mommies post on here a lot and it's heartbreaking.

 

you could still give the counseling thing a try. but who's to say he won't agree just to keep you. skip every other session with an excuse, give it up and somehow convince you to stay regardless. i would first get clear with myself that he is dedicated. to lying and cheating. years of backstory to prove his committment to it. ironic, isn't it.

 

if you choose to demand counseling or else, better also pack ahead and arrange for a room.

 

i am very sorry this happened to you. i am even more sorry that you so needed the emotional safety and belonging to overlook the red flags that decorate your post -and your history together- since the start.

 

honestly, i am crossing fingers hoping you dump him. noone desrves this, certainly not an affectionate girl of 24.

[HeartGoesOn]

Cheating is never a mistake, it's a conscious choice one makes. Sorry to be blunt and for a lack of a better term, he's full of it. You know what to do...

[Theniceone]

What I understand is that you threathened to leave when he would not admit the truth when you had all the proof you needed so what was the point already. Isn't him lying to you persistently reasons to dump him right this minute? You made him promise marriage and kids when his track record shows that he is not to be trusted. Why would you want this with him anyways?

 

You are 24 is it that you depend on him financially? You do not love him, you are just dependent on him.

[Hollyj]

You had the info, but you chose to ignore. You should have dumped his a$$, years ago.

 

He has not blocked her number and is still cheating on you. You want to marry someone, who has cheated on you the entirety of you relationship, and you also want to bring kids into this chaos. Unbelievable! Time to love yourself and get out. This is who he is: a cheating, deceptive lier.

 

Time to wake up!!!!! If you stay with this creep, you only have yourself to blame. And, I don't care how much you love him.

[Arora]

Hi thanks for replying. It was a vent and a question. I k ow what the right answer is to leave but I wanted other people's opinions on what they would do. I don't have anyone to talk about it. I'm sorry about your situation and that you still love him. I am not ready for the emotions involved with a breakup I really don't think I'm strong enough to handle it I'm pretty weak at the moment and I'm just loosing myself.

[Hollyj]

We've all been where you are, and survived.

 

You really need to stop making excuses!

[Tanzi]

Making him promise to marry you and getting him to change his number will not stop him from staying in contact with this girl if he wants to. He is just making empty promises.

 

No one understands the feelings you have when you are in this position.

 

You are on a site where the vast majority of us WILL understand how you are feeling. Although the circumstances may not be exactly the same, most of us (if not all of us) would have faced some kind of heartbreak. We know how hard it would be to leave someone you love. Sometimes, however, love is just not enough and we have to come around to the realisation that we have to let go and move on from a situation that ultimately is making us unhappy.

 

I'm not sure what you expect us to say to be honest. Your boyfriend has lied to you throughout your relationship. There is no way that, three years on, this girl would still be texting him if she wasn't getting some kind of response or encouragement from him. I wouldn't be able to trust him enough to stay with him. What really surprises me is that he is 31. He sounds pretty immature to me ..... certainly not boyfriend material.

 

Incidentally, how old was this girl when he first started sleeping with her?

[Theniceone]

Hi thanks for replying. It was a vent and a question. I k ow what the right answer is to leave but I wanted other people's opinions on what they would do. I don't have anyone to talk about it. I'm sorry about your situation and that you still love him. I am not ready for the emotions involved with a breakup I really don't think I'm strong enough to handle it I'm pretty weak at the moment and I'm just loosing myself.

 

I doubt you would find anyone tell you that this relationship can be saved. So what i would do? Ensure to get a financial plan so to move out of his place and get yourself some counselling .

[Arora]

Thanks so much for replying.

 

I have brought up the marriage and kids subject previously he gets angry and says I am rushing him. His parents aren't married therefore he is less likely to like the idea of marriage. I know what is right but I'm so attached to him I do rely on him for a lit of things. I ultimately want a great partner who wants the same as me just to have a family and a house etc

[n83]

Every day you stay with him, you will lose yourself more and more. Because when you stay with him, you're doing two things:

 

1) Being miserable because you don't know what he's up to, who he's talking to, or whether he'll cheat again

 

and

 

2) Constantly convincing yourself that you're too weak to leave, and then constantly hating yourself for it.

 

When a guy cheats on you for years, the appropriate response is NOT, "Now you need to get serious and prove you're committed to me by marrying me and getting me pregnant!"

This will not mean that he's actually committed to you!!! It will only mean that both of you have horrible decision making abilities!!!

 

Do yourself a favor. Stop being such a ninny. Call a mover, arrange for them to come get your stuff, and go back to your parents' if they'll let you. It's time to grow up and make adult decisions, not irresponsible ones that bring children into chaos.

[charity]

I'm sorry to say this but you sound desperate and weak. Where is your self worth?

You have accepted this all along. You tried to turn a blind eye and this allowed him to happily continue. Now you'll forgive and he'll happily carry on again. He is so disrespectful to you. Don't believe his tears. He's not crying because he cheated on you, he's crying for himself because he (finally) got caught. He does not love you. You are so desperate to be married and have kids that you'll accept anything. You are only 24. Walk away. Amarriage to him will lead to a very sad miserable life...important life decision here for you.

[Wiseman2]

This 6573986]I'm so attached to him I do rely on him for a lit of things.And this are two different people 6573986]a great partner who wants the same as me just to have a family and a house etcIt's that just that you can't find one because you're with the other.

[n83]

You won't need to badger the right guy for marriage. This is exactly why I left my partner of 6 years. And please don't tell us that we don't understand. I walked away from someone I was/am deeply in love with in order to stop being a doormat. And I'm alone in a huge city with no family within 8 hours, and a 12-year old that I'm solely responsible for. So please don't tell me about hard to leave.

 

If you're old enough to want marriage and kids, then you're old enough to understand that those things require emotional stability, which is severely lacking here. Your boyfriend is selfish and extremely immature for a 31-year old. You are suffering from extremely poor self esteem. This is not going to be fixed by marriage.

 

If you really want something better, go get it and leave this all behind while you are young and you still can.

[Theniceone]

Thanks so much for replying.

 

I have brought up the marriage and kids subject previously he gets angry and says I am rushing him. His parents aren't married therefore he is less likely to like the idea of marriage. I know what is right but I'm so attached to him I do rely on him for a lit of things. I ultimately want a great partner who wants the same as me just to have a family and a house etc

 

What exactly are you depending on him for? Counselling was recommended to you so you can break this dependency.

[Arora]

She was 16 and he was 24 at the time. I was 17 when I met him and she was already sleeping with him before I met him but they weren't a couple. So she secretly hated me for years because I had 3verything she ever wanted.

[Wiseman2]

This isn't about a rivalry is it? Because he's no prize.

So she secretly hated me for years because I had 3verything she ever wanted.

[Arora]

I live with him so I depend on that otherwise I would have to move out which would cost money as I am a student or move back to my parents. Also I suffer from anxiety and he does help me with that although finding out he has cheated definitely has increased my anxiety.

[RainyCoast]

So she secretly hated me for years because I had 3verything she ever wanted.

i apologize for how rude this sounds- i don't mean to put you into a worse mood but you seriously need to see what you have. you have a scumbag. nothing to envy. he is causing you hell.

 

i feel like you'd rather blind yourself than admit the dream is over and the coffee tastes like crap.

 

how come you made yourself depend on him for so many things?

 

get counseling to support yourself through the transition or you will never be able to leave. best case scenario you'll be popping out babies as he's with her, worst case scenario he'll dump you for her or some other bleep, leaving you nowhere to go.

[Arora]

No I really do love him and i know i am a fool to feel this way. He has turned it into rivalry because everythromycin time I get upset and argue with him he say I am giving her the satisfaction if we break up and she would win if we break up