She wants to keep it going...

[Nebraskagirl14]

My recent ex wants to try to continue our relationship... but now I feel disillusioned by it... For three months, I wanted to have more alone time with her (she's a single mom if you read my previous threads) and now she is like, "Let's go ALL IN for 3 months and see what happens." Part of me wants to try it but part of me doesn't think I can go all in because I know too much about how different we are and how our priorities are different. The hard part is that when we actually do get time together which is rare, it's AMAZING... but again, that is maybe 10% of our relationship. We just speak different languages... I want more alone time and she says, "I have invited you to all kinds of things (meaning mostly family events or events in public) and I have just wanted to date this woman. Like, have actual romantic date nights where if we wanted to, we could be intimate... I have wanted her to take the initiative in freeing up time for our dates because she has to make sure she has a great babysitter and I respect that. She on the other hand wants me to plan the dates because she is really busy and tell her when and where I want to go basically. All of this has just kind of taken the joy out of it for me... but I'm torn because I really care about her, totally attracted to her... but I don't think I can go ALL IN anymore because everything has always been SO CHALLENGING. We hardly even talk on the phone because she is never alone. It's definitely hard when someone WANTS you but you feel like you have to say that it's not what you want... And I know that that is what dating is about. We can't take everyone home and keep them forever but it's still hard.

[Jibralta]

now she is like, "Let's go ALL IN for 3 months and see what happens."

 

Doesn't that sentence seem a little contradictory?

 

Let's go ALL IN!!!!

 

But only for three months!!!

 

Is that.... all in?

 

I don't blame you for feeling trepidation. She's controlling this whole thing. Even the spontaneity.

[Nebraskagirl14]

Doesn't that sentence seem a little contradictory?

 

Let's go ALL IN!!!!

 

But only for three months!!!

 

I don't blame you for feeling trepidation. She's controlling this whole thing. Even the spontaneity.

 

LOL! Yes! She is VERY CONTROLLED!!!! Great point!

[DancingFool]

Let's go all in...but only for three months.....sounds like I want to test drive you, tear around the bends, maybe spin out a few times, use and abuse ......and then I'll probably shake my head and walk away because it's just not the right fit but it was kind of fun....oh and......sorry about the burnt out brakes and tires.......

 

You already know that the two of you are just not compatible and that she doesn't really want to be with you. Walk away and preserve the friendship and civility before things turn ugly...which they will if you let her test drive you.

[reinventmyself]

All in for a determined amount of time? Yah, that makes me uncomfortable as well.

How about you renegotiate? "All in until it either flies straight or not"

 

You just listed everything you needed to us again but have you given her this list?

 

Do you have a plan on a compromise or does it feel like `let's just throw everything at it and see what sticks to the wall?'

That would not work for me because it's too ambiguous and seeing you are able to articulate what exactly would work for you and what doesn't, I would go back and renegotiate.

 

Ask her if she can commit to `x' amount of days alone in a month. Have some pinpointed examples of how the relationship would look and feel if it were your design. See if she can do this with you and meet you half way.

 

You do know she's not particularly warm and fuzzy and that's personality trait so you'll have to be accepting of this as well.

[Nebraskagirl14]

All in for a determined amount of time? Yah, that makes me uncomfortable as well.

How about you renegotiate? "All in until it either flies straight or not"

 

You just listed everything you needed to us again but have you given her this list?

 

Do you have a plan on a compromise or does it feel like `let's just throw everything at it and see what sticks to the wall?'

That would not work for me because it's too ambiguous and seeing you are able to articulate what exactly would work for you and what doesn't, I would go back and renegotiate.

 

Ask her if she can commit to `x' amount of days alone in a month. Have some pinpointed examples of how the relationship would look and feel if it were your design. See if she can do this with you and meet you half way.

 

You do know she's not particularly warm and fuzzy and that's personality trait so you'll have to be accepting of this as well.

 

 

Hi, again! Yes! I have told her what I need... I feel like I have been telling her for a long time... and now she wants to try to do it but I know that it still means that we hardly speak during the day or at night... that all of our dates have to be penciled in... I don't know. I guess I just wish it felt more free-flowing and joyful. And yes, our personalities are VERY VERY different - no one is wrong, of course... so, yes, all of these things make me hesitant. She is right. She has invited me to do lots of things with her family and included me and so I have been in her world. I felt like she hasn't taken an interest in mine but she says that's because she hasn't been invited.... well, my family doesn't do a lot together and I feel like she has been so busy that I have no idea WHEN I would ask her to come into my world which honestly to me means, let's spend time ALONE together so you can get to know ME and what I'm about...We just kind of go round and round but at the end of the day, I feel like we want different lifestyles... and I guess that is vital.

[reinventmyself]

Hi, again! Yes! I have told her what I need... I feel like I have been telling her for a long time... and now she wants to try to do it but I know that it still means that we hardly speak during the day or at night... that all of our dates have to be penciled in... I don't know. I guess I just wish it felt more free-flowing and joyful. And yes, our personalities are VERY VERY different - no one is wrong, of course... so, yes, all of these things make me hesitant. She is right. She has invited me to do lots of things with her family and included me and so I have been in her world. I felt like she hasn't taken an interest in mine but she says that's because she hasn't been invited.... well, my family doesn't do a lot together and I feel like she has been so busy that I have no idea WHEN I would ask her to come into my world which honestly to me means, let's spend time ALONE together so you can get to know ME and what I'm about...We just kind of go round and round but at the end of the day, I feel like we want different lifestyles... and I guess that is vital.

 

Well . .is it worth a try? Or are you seeing the signs that you maybe shouldn't put in the effort.

You could always try to take some charge and plans things just like she offered. You won't know if she can do it unless you try, right?

At least you'll have your answer. It may push you out of your comfort zone, though. It sounds like a lot of work for 2 people who don't even know if they are entirely compatible yet. So far the signs point to not and you don't even feel like she knows you.

 

If you don't think it's worth all the work in the long run. . and only you know that, then maybe it's time to let this go and find a partner better suited. -or- you have nothing to lose by planning an intimate date for say, Saturday and seeing if she can accommodate for it.

[Nebraskagirl14]

Well . .is it worth a try? Or are you seeing the signs that you maybe shouldn't put in the effort.

You could always try to take some charge and plans things just like she offered. You won't know if she can do it unless you try, right?

At least you'll have your answer. It may push you out of your comfort zone, though. It sounds like a lot of work for 2 people who don't even know if they are entirely compatible yet. So far the signs point to not and you don't even feel like she knows you.

 

If you don't think it's worth all the work in the long run. . and only you know that, then maybe it's time to let this go and find a partner better suited. -or- you have nothing to lose by planning an intimate date for say, Saturday and seeing if she can accommodate for it.

 

There is something inside me that is keeping me from wanting to put myself into this again. I felt like I was in a relationship for the last three months that was not really one because how can it be when you hardly talk to someone and connect with them? I don't know... I hate letting people go and hurting people and that is the truth.

[reinventmyself]

There is something inside me that is keeping me from wanting to put myself into this again. I felt like I was in a relationship for the last three months that was not really one because how can it be when you hardly talk to someone and connect with them? I don't know... I hate letting people go and hurting people and that is the truth.

 

That's fair. I hate saying goodbye to people, even though it may be entirely necessary.

It's just part of being an adult, I suppose. It's the compassionate thing to do. It frees you both up to find better suited partners.

It sounds like you've had some distance from this and are now being objective.

[Jibralta]

Well, it's sad. Especially when you see that it could have been beautiful. It's like a death of something you cherish.

[Nebraskagirl14]

Reinventmyself, I'm glad to know I'm not alone in saying goodbye to people It's awful.

[Ms Darcy]

Having a shelf life suggests she wants to use you to get over you.

[reinventmyself]

Reinventmyself, I'm glad to know I'm not alone in saying goodbye to people It's awful.

 

hang in there!

[Nebraskagirl14]

That could be, Ms. Darcy!!

[ParisPaulette]

The whole thing sounds very forced to me, as if both of you are trying desperately when you each know it's not going to work. And no, it won't. It's like forcing yourself to ice skate when you hate the sport, hate the cold, can't even stand up without crashing into things, but you keep doing it because of some set idea that you must.

 

And going "all in" for three months is like being a little bit pregnant, there's no such thing. You either are all in or you aren't.

 

If it were me I would walk, because putting a time limit on a relationship is just madness. Relationships are not hard, not the good ones, not the right ones. You'll need to decide, but I can't even imagine trying to be "all in" knowing a deadline for not being "all in" is always looming on the horizon.

 

How would that even work?

[Nebraskagirl14]

ParisPaulette - I loved your line about being "a little bit pregnant!!!"

[Nebraskagirl14]

PP- The rest of your response was amazing, thank you. I guess I know what needs to be done... And she will thank me in the long run. She needs someone who can step in and be another mother for her son and I thought I could but turns out, I can't.

[Nebraskagirl14]

I am glad I will be able to read these responses again. I'm sure I will need to!

[Nebraskagirl14]

We had the conversation.. And it was really difficult... She wanted to come over today and I had to tell her that I knew that we needed to talk about us and where we were going. I told her that the logistics were very difficult for me and the fact that we never had a good foundation was hard for me. I said that new relationships shouldn't be so hard.

 

She said, I have put my best foot forward and told you what I can do basically and that I want to repair our shaky foundation and you haven't told me if that will work for you.

 

And I told her that I just can't seem to get past our logistical issues... Because even if we can see each other twice a week alone, we still rarely speak the other days, we have vastly different lifestyles and personalities, etc. it's hard because I really really wanted to date her and I really never got to... But I did get a glimpse into her life and I had to ask myself if that is what I wanted my life to be and truthfully, it's not. I love her but we are such different people... It still makes it hard. We had a lot of plans this summer... A couple of trips and concerts, etc... It's a bummer. That is the update! The more I sit with my decision, I wonder if it would do any harm to go on dates with her but then I think if I were in it, I would feel exactly the same as I have the last three months.