How To Deal With Intimacy Issues & Emotional Dishonesty...

[Marco311]

I'm curious about people's experiences on here relating to intimacy issues while in the first few months of a relationship. (Not sex, but actual, deep, emotional intimacy between two people......learning more about eachother, deep conversations, what makes eachother tick, etc).

 

I often find that my biggest struggle while dating usually rears its ugly head at about the 3-4 month mark. Right when I am really starting to fall hard for someone. I tense up, and often find myself being emotionally dishonest because I'm scared to get rejected. This usually leads to me trying anything and everything to be the perfect man, and win my partner's approval.....when more often than not, she likes / loves me for who I am already.

 

My problem is I have a hard time believing it for one reason or another. Especially if that person is similar to me, and starts to become a little guarded. Communication begins to break down between us. She stops sharing with me. I start to panic. I then start showering her with gifts, dinners out, planning trips, etc. Next thing I know, the relationship crash and burns almost as quickly as it started.

 

It's a bad pattern I want to stop. I'm curious if anyone else has had these issues while dating, and what has helped them overcome them.

 

Thanks!

 

M.

[Wiseman2]

It's actually quite common around that time frame that the infatuation highs wear off, the masks come off and people wonder if they will like the real person or if the person will like the real them. They don't want the high to end and risk "now what, who is this person?"

 

 

The trick is to realize ok, we're shifting gears to the next phase and things relax and calm down...and not to panic about that or see it as some problem or communication break-down. Think of it as driving a car, first gear is for getting it going to speed, then each gear shift is to maintain a new phase and be at cruising speed. Most importantly, as long as it's not in reverse...you're doing ok.

I often find that my biggest struggle while dating usually rears its ugly head at about the 3-4 month mark.

[missmarple]

How do you define emotionally dishonest? What is it exactly that you do or stop doing at around 3-4 months?

[Marco311]

How do you define emotionally dishonest? What is it exactly that you do or stop doing at around 3-4 months?

 

Like Wiseman2 said above, it's when we are "switching gears" to phase 2 that two people really start to KNOW each other. With me, it's when my partner starts to demand more of me emotionally, to create that deep connection. And it also depends who I am with. My last GF, at about the 4 month mark, I could tell things were not exactly going as planned for either of us.

 

We started to not talk as much. I started to walk on eggshells around her, even telling her little white lies to hide who I really was because I thought maybe she didn't like that person (again, trying to be perfect). I found myself either going TO FAR OUT OF MY WAY to please her, or telling her things I thought she wanted to hear so she would remain interested in me. But things got repetitive and routine. We stopped talking about DEEP issues. She started to bottle up her thoughts. I kept trying to shower her with stuff (trips out, dinners out, small gift, etc.) to show my love. We also had very different love languages. I show love more by physical touch and acts of affection. (holding hands, gifts, going out, etc). She was all about words of affirmation. Problem is I tend to date women who have a hard time communicating what they want, so if I'm simply left to my devices of trying to read their minds, I start coming up with my own horror stories about why things are not working out as planned.

 

 

To put it bluntly, I just stop being myself or being comfortable with myself and the situation. I start to become co-dependent. Trying everything I can to make my partner happy. That is where the emotional dishonesty comes into play. I put aside my own needs, and hide who I really am to the point where 5-6 months in, I don't even know who I really am anymore. Because I've spent so much time trying to do everything right.

 

This all may be very hard to convey and explain, so I apologize if this seems like I am rambling.

[Jibralta]

It's good that you are aware of this, and that you can see how it affects your relationships. I'd say that's a solid first step to fixing this behavior. Ultimately, it's defensive and reactive, and even though you are doing it to protect yourself, you see that it is actually harming your potential for success in a relationship. There is no getting around the fact that you have to take chances and power through the rejections.

[missmarple]

How many times has that happened? Because if it was only a couple of times, maybe you were just not compatible with those girls.

[RainyCoast]

"if they come to know the real me, then they will see how unworthy i am. hence i must hide the real me and win their approval." but the fakeness is of course felt, so things go sour.

 

 

what is it about the "real you" that you believe makes you unworthy and would send the other packing? we don't know you and you don't need to win us, so no need to censor yourself.

[Marco311]

"if they come to know the real me, then they will see how unworthy i am. hence i must hide the real me and win their approval." but the fakeness is of course felt, so things go sour.

 

 

what is it about the "real you" that you believe makes you unworthy and would send the other packing? we don't know you and you don't need to win us, so no need to censor yourself.

 

That's the thing. When I'm with my friends, or even just meeting people for the first time, I am almost ALWAYS completely open and honest. I have nothing to hide. I love myself, and I have confidence in myself. But when I am with a woman I am dating, I can definitely recall 2-3 times where something just happens, some catalyst, and I start to panic and hide. Or try so hard to keep the other person happy and us together, that it ultimately starts the end of the relationship. It is almost always with woman that I am deeply inlove with or really like.

 

I guess the ironic thing about all this is my longest relationship was just over 4 years, and it was completely passionless and boring during the last year and a half of our relationship. She demanded very little from me emotionally, which is probably why I stayed in it for so long. Eventually, I realized we both were just shells of ourselves ( real people), coasting together with no intimacy and no true passion. Thankfully, I had the balls to end it.

 

But now, I catch myself every now and then, being attracted to women that demand intimacy and emotional attachment from me (which is pretty normal i suppose), but never tell me what they want or how they want it. I'm just supposed to read minds, and figure it out, and this usually leads to me throwing everything I have at the wall, seeing what sticks, just to keep my partner happy and with me. Which like i said earlier, leads to the relationships ultimate demise.

 

Maybe Im just picking the wrong women?

[IAmFCA]

Could it be

 

With women, you are more intent on gaining their approval?

 

Therefore more overwhelmed when you sense an aspect of you is disagreeable to her?

 

When friends dislike parts of us, we just make fun of each other, or joke about it, or deflect, etc. We are who we are and we know our friends love us anyhow.

 

Try to think of women the same way. You are who you are. Either they are a match for you or not.

[Wiseman2]

This may reasonably explain your fear of that ever happening again 311;6564917]Eventually, I realized we both were just shells of ourselves ( real people), coasting together with no intimacy and no true passion.

[RainyCoast]

well it makes sense it appears later on, doesn't it? after a few months of being perfectly open you reach deeper layers of self waiting to be disclosed next, and it just so happens there is that "disclosed content problem" at that level. you're easier to trigger the closer to the core the other gets.

 

 

having to read their minds... unless they're acting spoiled or difficult i wouldn't necessarily say they're the wrong women. rather, i'd say they're the right women because their lack of disclosure of emotional needs resonates with yours. it doesn't have to be a problem, much less a barrier. why not make it a challenge to dare to be completely open about your real or perceived "worst", with yourself and others, to dare to accept oneself as fully deserving even with that "something" that you repress, and to dare to expect full acceptance from others. when you communicate to them that this is what you want in a relationship, and show them, you are modelling the behavior and someone quite serious would mimic the behavior and dare to state their needs instead of expecting you to guess what they are.

 

i would guess that subconsciously you sense they too are holding something back and you pick them because of that. because an uninhibited person would insist on breaking down your barrier and you've not been ready for that. that's actually typical of all forms of inhibition- it's "the lack" that keeps things going, and then when this lack is about to be overcome, filled, fulfilled, wham, you need to distance yourself.

 

 

luckily, it does seem like whatever you're holding back isn't some huge determinant of your psychological wellbeing, seing as you're fine untill someone comes just close enough. but if you don't want to keep forever inhibiting yourself the moment a woman reaches the closed door, might as well discover what it is. do you remember any specifics about what might have been this trigger that made you panic and hide in the past?

 

i have the same problem, except mine is almost always present to some degree and the repressed content is extensive so it often doesn't take too long or prying to deep to trigger my backing away. i have also kept "meh" relationships going. as in, there wasn't real intimacy anyway so i wasn't triggered. when someone seemed like they could make real intimacy work- i panicked and discovered i can't.

[Jibralta]

But now, I catch myself every now and then, being attracted to women that demand intimacy and emotional attachment from me (which is pretty normal i suppose), but never tell me what they want or how they want it. I'm just supposed to read minds, and figure it out, and this usually leads to me throwing everything I have at the wall, seeing what sticks, just to keep my partner happy and with me. Which like i said earlier, leads to the relationships ultimate demise.

 

Maybe Im just picking the wrong women?

 

It sounds like relationships are very stressful for you. More like a balancing act than a peaceful existence.

 

Not all communication is verbal. And there's usually a spectrum of acceptable options when it comes to wants and needs. I don't think you really expect women to give you a list of their wants.... do you? What's the point of the relationship if you don't relate?

[Marco311]

It sounds like relationships are very stressful for you. More like a balancing act than a peaceful existence.

 

Not all communication is verbal. And there's usually a spectrum of acceptable options when it comes to wants and needs. I don't think you really expect women to give you a list of their wants.... do you? What's the point of the relationship if you don't relate?

 

Ok, so I think what I am trying to do here is understand my last breakup (which was about a month ago - 7 month relationship) and make sense of it so I do not repeat the same mistakes. I realize not all communication is verbal, but I am also trying not to blame myself entirely for the end of my last relationship. So here is some context:

 

My most recent ex, her main complaint was that our relationship felt more like a friendship to her. That she didn't feel like I was emotionally invested in the relationship. That she didn't think I was THAT into her. She even gave me examples like "You never said I was beautiful, you never texted me things like "Good morning gorgeous, etc". (Which is odd, because I promise I called her beautiful all the time. and not just during sex, etc.) But here's the deal: I told her how lucky she made me feel, all the time. I bought her a plane ticket to visit my hometown 5 months before I was supposed to be home for a wedding. I did things like SHAVE daily, because she hated scruff and it wrecked her face. Isn't that love? Who does that for someone they don't love?

 

It was a hard pill to swallow. SO, whereas I know there are things I could have / should have picked up on.....is it too much to say "Hey, you know what I love, when you tell me things like 'You're beautiful'"?

 

And it's odd because we were so compatible sexually and emotionally. We liked the same things. We were both sorta sarcastic. We both hate crowds. We both were health nuts, etc. So much in common at times, it was scary.

 

Anyways, I digress. The point here is not to ponder on the breakup. I just want to develop that polarity in a relationship. That push & pull. I want to be ALL of me and her to be ALL of her. And everything is on the table. I want to be real. I want her to be real. I want us to both know who we are, and who we are NOT. And I don't want to be afraid to say what is on my mind and walk on eggshells all the time. Which is why this is frustrating because I wonder if I am picking the wrong women, or if something is inherently wrong with me.....and I just have a hard time doing this in a REAL relationship.

 

I just want to be part of something where we can both share with one another. And in my last relationship, I felt she wasn't able to do that. Which led to me trying too hard to get it out of her without simply calling her out on her BS, and just asking her to get deep with me.....

 

....maybe I just answered all my own questions....

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like this is still haunting you. It doesn't matter what this last one's particular complaint was...it just means you were incompatible. Read 'Love Languages'. She sounds like the type who needed extensive "verbal affirmations" and you sound like you show your feeling with actions. Nothing wrong or fake or inherently defective about any of that.

 

Being real means being yourself and if you can't be, as with this last one, it's just incompatibility. There are no perfect relationships. To be honest this last one sounds high maintenance and expected mind-reading and that will leave you feeling as you do. Put her and her problems behind you.

my last breakup which was about a month ago

[Marco311]

It sounds like this is still haunting you. It doesn't matter what this last one's particular complaint was...it just means you were incompatible. Read 'Love Languages'. She sounds like the type who needed extensive "verbal affirmations" and you sound like you show your feeling with actions. Nothing wrong or fake or inherently defective about any of that.

 

Being real means being yourself and if you can't be, as with this last one, it's just incompatibility. There are no perfect relationships. To be honest this last one sounds high maintenance and expected mind-reading and that will leave you feeling as you do. Put her and her problems behind you.

 

Thanks my friend. Always nice to hear another person's perspective.

[catfeeder]

being attracted to women that demand intimacy and emotional attachment from me (which is pretty normal i suppose), but never tell me what they want or how they want it. I'm just supposed to read minds, and figure it out,

 

Why not just ask?

 

Nobody can sustain the surge of infatuation that happens at the start of a relationship. If you try, it will only will exhaust your partner. If you're having trouble allowing those energies to normalize over time, consider taking this to a counselor or therapist. They are trained to help people manage this stuff.

 

Most people have no trouble hiring a plumber or a tax preparer when they need practical expertise, but what could be more practical than addressing your own quality of life and ability to navigate relationships? I wouldn't wait for the next panic before seeking this kind of help. It doesn't imply that there's anything 'wrong' with you, it just means that you recognize an area where you can use some support, tools and techniques to help you manage. Who better than a trained expert to offer this?

 

I also like someone's suggestion above that most people are simply NOT our match. If you can recognize this and grow comfortable with it, you can learn to allow wrong matches to pass early instead of latching on and pretzeling yourself to try to manipulate them into becoming a right match. That doesn't work. Have you noticed?

 

Head high.

[Marco311]

 

I also like someone's suggestion above that most people are simply NOT our match. If you can recognize this and grow comfortable with it, you can learn to allow wrong matches to pass early instead of latching on and pretzeling yourself to try to manipulate them into becoming a right match. That doesn't work. Have you noticed?

 

Head high.

 

I think this was my biggest issue with my last relationship. On paper, everything just SEEMED to fit. I wanted it to work out so badly. Even when I, myself, had doubts. It was the first serious relationship I had had in 3 years. Whereas most people I dated, I knew right away it would never work, so I ended it quickly, this last one I thought WAS THE ONE. But in the end, I think therapy is a good idea. I have done it before, for about a year. Perhaps it is time to go back and continue working on myself.

[catfeeder]

I think this was my biggest issue with my last relationship. On paper, everything just SEEMED to fit. I wanted it to work out so badly. Even when I, myself, had doubts. It was the first serious relationship I had had in 3 years. Whereas most people I dated, I knew right away it would never work, so I ended it quickly, this last one I thought WAS THE ONE. But in the end, I think therapy is a good idea. I have done it before, for about a year. Perhaps it is time to go back and continue working on myself.

 

Great. While it makes sense to want to salvage your relationship with someone you love, it makes NO sense to tapdance to please someone without finding out what, exactly, she wants.

 

So work with the therapist on not just anxiety management, but reasonable negotiation skills. Successful couples actually negotiate. It's not complaining or accusing or mind reading, it's just offering something of value in exchange for something valuable to you.

 

In order to ask for what you want, you need to find out what the other person wants. This can be as clear as, "I'd like to bribe you into doing something for me. Can you think of something that I can give you as a fair trade?"

 

If there's something in it for her to hear you out without getting defensive, she's more likely to give you what you want.

 

You can't do any of this if you shut down, and if you drill your mind into assumptions of worst case scenarios, then you'll scare yourself into shutting down. So ask therapist how to quit the spin and stop digging yourself into holes to climb out of.

 

Head high.

[reinventmyself]

I can relate to your story because there was a time I was somewhat like you. Trying to be what the other person wanted, instead of honoring who I was.

What happens is that as you conform to what you think they want you aren't being genuine and real connection is missed.

 

Honoring exactly who you are and sharing that part of you is what creates a genuine connection. People can sense when you are merely being accommodating and it feels disingenuous . Sure everyone likes to be catering to and doted on, but at some point it feels as if you are giving your power away and that makes the recipient uncomfortable.

If I was dating you and you swung into being over accommodating mode, it would make me nervous. I would wonder what it is you are trying to hide. And the very thing you are trying to hide. . .is yourself.

 

Believe you are good enough and believe even those not so perfect parts of you deserve to be loved, because after all it's those very things that make us human.

 

I think you are onto to some things already.

I agree that 3 to 4 month mark is a milestone of sorts. You begin to see each other clearly, you are likely invested and feel you have something to lose.

The trick here is to not let the anxiety get to you. To breath through it and have faith. Be real and believe you deserve it.

[Marco311]

I can relate to your story ................

I agree that 3 to 4 month mark is a milestone of sorts. You begin to see each other clearly, you are likely invested and feel you have something to lose.

The trick here is to not let the anxiety get to you. To breath through it and have faith. Be real and believe you deserve it.

 

You hit the nail on the head. That 3-4 month mark is right when I panic and I realize I have something special I can lose if I'm not careful. But it's that thought mentality right there that gets me in trouble. Granted, I don't jump from relationship to relationship. But there are times in a relationship (not all of them, but occasionally with women I really like) where I tense up, feel the anxiety, and have a hard time being myself. I almost lose sight of who I am. And that is when I try to overcompensate and do and say everything I think my partner wants me to do. Instead of just realizing I am a great guy who has plenty to offer.

 

It usually starts off with a conversation initiated by my girlfriend about how she is unsure of how I really feel, etc. I then ask her what she was expecting, and what she wants, and co-dependence mode kicks in. I start doing everything she wanted in the first place, but it tends to come across as disingenuous. That is exactly how my last relationship ended. At least, that is how it appears to be. I also don't want to blame myself ENTIRELY for the breakup.

 

I think I have a tendency to pick women who are cryptic with their emotions; at least at times. We both have an excellent infatuation period (that first 3-4 months where I am completely myself and she loves me) but the minute it wears off, and we try to get deep, things can go from great to bad really fast. The hard part is having compassion for myself. I can put all the blame on me, and getting really down on myself when this happens.

 

Or I get to the point where I am now, kicking myself, wishing I could go back in time, and stop myself from acting this way. The bargaining phase of my breakups can be intense. I just want to call my ex and explain everything to them. To let them know I want to be real with them, and make this work. You can imagine this is incredibly hard, especially when some of the women I date seem like perfect matches.

 

Anyways, clearly, some sort of therapy is the way to go. I wish I could just take a mulligan and start over sometimes. But man, once she has made up her mind, it's done.

 

I feel confident I will get there. I much rather live my life with occasional heartbreak than run away, and hide in fear (and never change)

[reinventmyself]

I admire your introspection and with that you are already ahead of the game.

 

You mentioned over compensate. When you really consider the definition of word you need to ask what feel you're compensating for? Your partner can sense that and wonder the same. You need to believe you are just enough.

 

I know for a fact that I'm going to feel vulnerable at the phase in dating someone. It's the time when things go from fun to real business. Next time anticipate that it's inevitable, learn to lean back and catch yourself when you feel you're going into accommodating mode.

 

It helps me that I know it's coming and I'm prepared. I tend to dial back just a tiny bit and make alot of plans with my friends when I'm not with them.

It reminds me that I'm fine and no matter the outcome I'll be ok.

 

All that lessons my anxiety some and I'm probably in turn more enjoyable to be around.