Slept with her friend-Deal Breaker?

[IMT0352]

Hello,

 

So my relationship ended with my ex a while ago and I have come to learn that a reason was she had a hard time accepting the fact that I had once slept with her close friend (once-no feelings involved) many years before we were together. My question is, if you really were in love with someone is this something you could get over? Do you think she will regret ending a good relationship with someone over this? Or is that a deal breaker too hard to overcome?

[Wiseman2]

First of all this is third party hearsay. Secondly, looking back there were probably other reasons as well that she told you about during arguments and the break-up. Whatever her reasons, she ended it, so it's best not to speculate the hearsay and if that is supposedly a "good reason" to end it.

I had once slept with her close friend.

[DoF]

She simply decided that her friendship was more important than you/her relationship.

 

You should be thankful for this, you do NOT want the type of a person that puts their friendship higher on priority list than their relationship.

 

Also, it could've just been an excuse to end it. Many people just want to be nice and not hurt their significant other.

[Knot2loud]

Hello,

 

So my relationship ended with my ex a while ago and I have come to learn that a reason was she had a hard time accepting the fact that I had once slept with her close friend (once-no feelings involved) many years before we were together. My question is, if you really were in love with someone is this something you could get over? Do you think she will regret ending a good relationship with someone over this? Or is that a deal breaker too hard to overcome?

 

You slept with her friend years before you were a couple and she broke up with you because of that?

 

Is this something I could get over? Yes. That happened years before. Everyone has a past.

 

Do I think she'll get over it? I doubt she will. If your past relationship years before you had a relationship with her bugged her enough to break it off with you... then no.

 

Do I think she will regret ending the relationship? Most people go through a state of depression after a breakup anyway. That doesn't mean they really want to get back into the same relationship again. So... Yes and No.

 

Is that a deal breaker? What's a deal breaker? That you slept with her friend years before you had a relationship with her? Personally, I think she wanted to break it off with you. Either that or she's one of those ridiculously jealous insecure types. If the later is the case - you wouldn't want her anyway. Being with an obsessively jealous or insecure person will only make you miserable in the relationship.

[greta96]

Well, it depends.

I can see how it would have been awkward for her to continue hanging out with you and her close friend, knowing you two had had sex.

Also, her friend may have told her bad things about you, especially if she felt used for sex at the time and would have wanted more than casual sex with you. I don't know what the situation was, but it's a possibility.

 

I suppose your ex wanted to keep her life drama-free, and that's why she chose to do what she did. I'm sure it sucks for everyone involved, but that's a risk you have to take when having casual sex. At some point you're bound to sleep with 2 or more people from the same social circle.

[radiance]

A key issue is, everybody has different ideas about what is or isn't acceptable. It really doesn't matter if a hundred people on here tell you it wouldn't be a deal breaker for them; the fact is, this girl considers it a deal breaker for her.

[crowleysgirl]

You've already posted a thread about this and gotten a lot of advice. It doesn't matter if it would be a deal breaker for any of us. SHE has made her decision. Even if she does eventually regret, so what? That doesn't change that she made a choice to leave you.

[pettyLies]

Depends on the individual, their values. Honestly, if I had been her, it would be hard to know that you've slept with a close friend, especially if we were to do group outings/activities. I've noticed it's something that bothers women (especially if they're close) more than men.

[IMT0352]

You've already posted a thread about this and gotten a lot of advice. It doesn't matter if it would be a deal breaker for any of us. SHE has made her decision. Even if she does eventually regret, so what? That doesn't change that she made a choice to leave you.

 

Crowleysgirl, I did have another post but it went much more in depth. I was asking about this specific issue here. I understand that the only thing that matters is what SHE decided. That same logic can be applied to almost everything people post about on these sites so why even have a site then? The answer is because people want to gain different perspectives and understandings of the issue. Some just need to vent or get things out to some listening ears. I think we all understand that no matter what anyone says here the issues and relationships between the two people involved is what dictates the outcome and all that matters in the end.

[Clio]

The timeline does not make sense to me and I am too lazy to search for you other post. You say that you slept with her friend years BEFORE meeting her. Didn't she know about all this when she met you/got with you? If she knew about it and still got with you then it makes no sense breaking up with you over it.

 

Personally, all my friends exes are seriously OFF LIMITS. That means that I would never get romantically involved with them. But I don't see the point of breaking up over it AFTER getting involved.

[IMT0352]

The timeline does not make sense to me and I am too lazy to search for you other post. You say that you slept with her friend years BEFORE meeting her. Didn't she know about all this when she met you/got with you? If she knew about it and still got with you then it makes no sense breaking up with you over it.

 

Personally, all my friends exes are seriously OFF LIMITS. That means that I would never get romantically involved with them. But I don't see the point of breaking up over it AFTER getting involved.

 

I assumed she must have known because they were close friends but we never discussed it. I guess it is possible that she wouldn't have known until after we started dating but I find it doubtful. Exes are also off-limits for me and probably most as well. That wasn't an ex though. It was a one drunk night hook up many years ago. I know I have dated someone that I have later found out had hooked up with a friend of mine. It didn't change my feelings for them. While I wished it didn't happen it didn't change the fact that I still loved that person. Everyone is different I suppose. It was also not a close friend so it wasn't like I would see this person everyone. In my case with my ex, this was a close friend that will always be in her life.

[Wiseman2]

Was it the friend at the wedding you attended with her then argued at and left her stranded there?

I assumed she must have known because they were close friends

[ParisPaulette]

You should never let people define you by your past and you should never let your past define you.

 

Anyone who tries is someone who was and is going to be a problem for you one way or another and will always be looking for things to be actively displeased about. I'm sorry, but we all have a past and if it's going to be a problem for someone over a simple "I had sex over there with that person when we weren't even together' then yeah, there's a whole lot more that would not have worked.

 

What you describe is a symptom, not the cause itself.

 

I get it if she'd found out you killed someone drunk driving years ago and you're still drinking OR if you had a long history of assaults and criminal behavior, then sure she has a right to say, "I do not want to gamble with the odds this will happen again."

 

But what she's saying? Pffft, first world problems anyone?

 

Move on, you dodged a bullet.

[j.man]

I never understood the concept of exes being off-limits. Personally, I've never wanted to date someone who happened to be an ex of a friend, but I wouldn't give two ****s if a friend wanted to date an ex of mine. I might be able to understand if they'd broken up with them a couple weeks ago. Also if the ex had abused the friend or something... sort of a "how could you date them knowing what they did to me" kinda thing. But simple incompatibility? That's a bit absurd, IMO.

 

There's no denying it may come with some awkwardness, but what kind of friend would I be if I demanded my friend not date an ex who could very well end up happy and lasting with? Seems insecure and controlling.

 

But in the OP's case, there wasn't even a relationship involved. They bumped uglies. So what? Like Paris, I'd have to suspect a stronger underlying reason. Or at least that's what I'd hope.

[IMT0352]

Was it the friend at the wedding you attended with her then argued at and left her stranded there?

 

I didn't leave her stranded. She had friends there to go home with. She did not want me there which was clear to me so I left. Her close friend that I had slept with was there with whom she proceeded to get drunk with and spend her time with at the bar leaving me alone at a table full of strangers.

[Wiseman2]

So you have your answer as to what precipitated the argument and break-up.

so I left. Her close friend that I had slept with was there