I just can't walk away......Help me!

[Mike_Wazowski]

For those of you who know my story...having an affair with a married woman from work..I'm married too.....I just can't forget about her....I've tried and tried and tried, but I just can't walk away......The affair is over....but I still have strong strong feelings for her...maybe her feelings for me are not that strong....we meet as friends a lot....I wanna stop meeting her as friends as well but I just can't do it..I just can't say the words, "It's over."

 

We meet after work everyday almost ..just for a coffee and stuff like that....but i am always thinking that she might have other men on the side besides me and her husband...whether that is true or not...who knows but that thought of it makes me sick to my stomach.....I don't trust her, I would not want her as a wife..but I just can't get her out of my head.....I'm sure all this stuff about her being bad is all in my imagination but it eats away at me every day.....I freak out if I don't receive her email or if she can't meet me on any given day.....I'm just an emotional wreck.......As I said...what I need is advice on 1) How to get over these horrible feelings and how to get out from under her SPELL and to never meet her again.....

 

The problem also is that we work together...But i can't quit because I have a family to support...and I'm sure she won't quit either........She laughs and has a good ole time at work where as I am suffering day in day out......My heart aches big time.......Help me!

 

Oh..I just wanted to say that in my previous posts I was punished by the people who replied saying I shouldn'thave had an affair in the first place...that of course is 100% true.....Now I just want to escape from her and never see her or meet her or talk to her again.........But I just can't do it....

[ang3l2004]

Are you have problems in the marriage?For some reason I am getting the feeling that you like this other woman more then you think or mabe or more then you want to,Why would you worry and think about her so much if you didn't?Now what are the reasons behind you meeting with her everyday also?Are things in your marriage going well?

[arwen]

Hey Mike,

 

Yeah I kinda remember being one of those people that were 'punished'.

 

However, it took strength for you to end the affair. The feelings you are dealing with right now are in fact quite natural. These are normal feelings in a relationship, and you felt like being in a relationship with her, I guess.

 

I can imagine seeing her at work is really not making things better. I would suggest you stop meeting her besides work though. That's your own choice. I think work will be better once you have more personal distance (i.e. no coffees and lunches with her).

 

Focus on your family. I know you are having a hard time with this. Did anything positive happen between you and your wife meanwhile?

 

Ilse.

[Mike_Wazowski]

of course I have strong feelings for this woman... but I am always thinking that she is lying to me or deceiving me, or that she is seeing another guy besides me....I 'm sure it is just my imagination but I can't not help but think bad things about her...As I said...I just wanna forget about her and walk away and never never see or meet her again..but i just can't do it...when I think about doing it I just start shaking all over and I just Lose it!

 

To isle.....I want to stop having coffee with her and seeing her all together...but i just can't do it...I just can't say the words 'I can't meet you anymore'.

 

And it was Her who decided to end the affair...not me.....It has a lot to do with her rejecting me..or finding someone better...I know I shouldn't even have these feelings cause I am married to someone else......I wish I never met this woman in the first place because now I just can't escape her Power......and I really want to...My own mariage has suffered from all this..of course my wife never knows but she is not stupid....I come home later everynight then i usually do before I met this woman.....I can sense that my wife thinks something is happening......And I hate making my wife feel that way......I just want to forget this other woman.......I am weak and afraid.....

[arwen]

I understand, you have feelings for her and if you were in a relationship without being married to other persons, you wouldn't break up. The shaking won't last forever, Mike. If it's true what you assume, she is less emotionally involved in this, you don't have to be afraid that she will go crazy if you distance yourself from her.

 

You know it's something you oughta do. The more you procrastinate, the harder it gets.

 

Ilse.

[Mike_Wazowski]

Oh..Isle...I edited my post a little..please read it again....thanks

[ang3l2004]

Stop thinking about her focus on yourself your happiness and your wife,Dont let this fling that could have seriously messed up your marriage get in the way,Mabe the best thing for you to do is just tell this woman you think it's best if you dont talk anymore as hard as it is it might help you out in the long run,You might think about her but be more worried about your wife instead of if the girl you cheated on your wife with is with someone else let her be you have no control over that why worry,Good luck

[arwen]

Hey Mike,

 

Well, nonetheless I do understand you feel broken hearted and rejected and all the things a person feels when a relationship is over. If you browse through the 'Healing after Breakup' forum here, you will find many people who try to maintain a period of no contact. For many people this is a very very difficult period, however it works the best.

 

It's really a problem that you have the working place in common. Is there any possibility to get a transfer somewhere else? Maybe just somewhere else in the building?

 

You have to stop seeing her. It's a matter of forcing yourself. You are not weak, your feelings are just too strong. So you will have to make a very big jump here and really get over yourself. Take time to heal, and start focussing on the wife and family. After all, you are also a father. Your children need time with you, why not spend this time with them?

 

Would taking your family out for a weekend help? Just away from the mess? Sometimes escapism works for a bit

 

Ilse.

[Mike_Wazowski]

Firstly thanks for the advice...You know..when I am with her....all I think about is my family at home and how daddy should be there and not here(with the other woman)....and yet.....I just can't get my self to say NO whenever she asks to meet me......

 

I have thought about this a lot....And I think....I would never want this woman as my wife.....or as my gf.....the reason being I just couldn't trust her......and at work..whenever i hear her laughing, I just want to strangle her (not literally of course) but it justdrives me Crazy..probably because someone else is making her laugh and not me........We are only friends now..just friends.....and I guess I am just jealous if she has another male friend besides me...but I must say we meet like almost everyday so she must be some Big Player to meet me everyday, then meet another guy then go home to her husband......That's why i think there is no one elese but i just can't drive these feelings from my mind......I know I need to break it off (the friendship) before it destroyes me.....My heart aches...it literally does..it hurts 24/7.......And I am feeling the effects of it physically too..i'm always tired, nervous........You know that feeling when you lean too far back in your chair and you almost fall over but then you don't?? I feel that way 24/7......

[arwen]

It's really a matter of NOT leaning in the chair then!

 

In other words, keep yourself away from this woman as much as possible. I think that it's already a good thing you're thinking about your wife and family. It helps to stop ACTING on feelings first, if you feel you cannot stop the feelings themselves.

 

Whenever you want to see her, go take your kids to the zoo. Take your wife out for a dinner with wine. On the long term, this woman will only give you problems in your life. Your marriage and especially your children can really use the energy that is now used for this woman.

 

Come on Mike! It will be ok, you will feel horrible and going nuts for a while, but you will also realize that it was worth fighting for. Your children are the most important thing you have done for the world. The ex girlfriend does not have power to change that, unless you give her that power.

 

You really need to find your own power back for this one. It surely won't help if you keep repeating you CAN'T.

 

Try I WILL and SHALL instead of I CAN'T.

 

Read my signature. It applies to my MA thesis, but ugh, there are some similarities in a vague way

 

Ilse.

[Mun]

You know Mike, in previous posts you described yourself as a very charismatic, attractive, big hunk of a man and you were very abbrasive in your personality. What happened? I guess it's true.. the bigger you are the harder you fall...and I bet this lady is probably a little petite thing that is driving you crazy. Am I right?

 

Honey you say we punished you but I think in this case you are punishing yourself. You know this lady has other friends and you think she might have other men. Well from how she carries on.. would you be surprised if she did? It sounds to me like she has very good command of her "charms" and she knows how to use them.. she was even bold enough to dump you. I think this is what is eating at you... you feel rejected. How could she dump YOU!--the hunk of a man you believe yourself to be. Your ego is hurt Mike...plain and simple.

 

Truth is you don't want her as a partner. You need to remind yourself of that every time you feel you want her. Recognize that it's your manly pride (ego) that is bruised and start separating yourself from her.

 

She can only have as much power as you give her. As long as you are following her around like a little puppy dog --no offense, just a point--she will yank your chain anytime she wants.

 

Come on Mike you're stronger than that.

[mscolly]

Mike, I have a wild suggestion for you. Only you can decide whether it might work, whether the risks are worth the benefits, but take the idea, and think about it, don't reject it automatically.

 

Try asking your wife for help.

 

There are risks of course. How will she take the situation? How are things really between you two? Is she a strong, pragmatic person? Will she just up and go, will she listen, can she actually help you? Will she fight tooth and claw to save her family?

 

She will be hurt of course. You say she probably suspects something already. Believe me, the truth is almost always easier to take than imagined problems. You have something fixed to fight, something concrete. Your wife will hurt for months, years even. She'll lose faith in you, respect for your, trust. But she cannot remain indifferent to the fact that you asked her for help. That fact alone will show you mean to get out from under the thumb of this other woman, that you want to be happy with your wife. You're putting everything on the line, in your wife's hands. The trust you show her, your desparation, your desire to make your marriage work will be apparent to your wife.

 

Perhaps she'll be able to help you change jobs. Perhaps she'll help you by insisting you come home within a certain hour. Perhaps she'll help by asking you to be accountable for your movements. Just the fact that if you see this other woman again, you would have to add lying to your wife to all of the other wrong things you'd be doing, may help to tip the balance for you. It's clear you need to do something drastic, and you need outside help. If you really can't change offices and/or job to get physically away from this woman, then you need the help of someone else. Who better than your wife?

 

Don't reject the idea out of hand. Under stress, people find far more strength than we imagine they ever could. Perhaps you imagine your wife couldn't take it, but maybe you're wrong? Think about it, try to digest the idea, talk it over with a friend that knows your wife too, if at all possible. But wait a few days at very least before deciding one way or the other.

 

You need to get out from under this woman. Even ignoring the damage that has been done to your marriage, and the potential for even greater damage to your family, you need to get out even for just yourself, your own self-esteem, your own dignity. You're a puppet and she's pulling the strings. But only because you're allowing her to. Don't let her, you're worth more than that.

[Julie2004]

Mike - I read your posts, and I see you really didn't answer this question directly.

 

What exactly are your feelings for your wife at this time?? Are there areas in your marriage that aren't being fulfilled that you are reaching out to this other woman? In other words, if this woman could be erased from your mind completely, would you be happy in your relationship with your wife that you would not feel the need to seek attention outside of the marriage?

 

My comments on your situation would vary depending on your true feelings on the situation with your wife, as opposed to just the "idea" of the happy wife and kids at home.

[HeavenLee]

The next time the opportunity comes up to meet with this woman, think about your wife and kids, suck up all the courage you have, and force yourself to say no. Put it in your mindset - think about saying NO 24/7 if you have to until you convince yourself. You can do it, you just don't want to. But she doesn't want to be with you anyway, so you are not only torturing yourself, but hurting your loved ones at home. Put yourself in their shoes... do you want to be responsible for all the hurt? The reason you feel so bad... well, you are only doing it to yourself. The sooner you put an end to it, the sooner you will start to heal.

 

Throw all the energy you have into your marriage and children. Think of all the things they miss out on while you are occupied with a woman who dumped you. You have so much to lose, and you think just because your wife does not actually KNOW yet, that it makes a difference? Surely she is not getting from you the things that every human being needs ie, love, support, respect, honesty from you, and it could drive her away regardless. Change your life around yourself, stop waiting for someone else to do it for you. You put yourself in this situation, now you must end it. Learn to appreciate and love your wife again, suggest going to counselling, even if you have to say it is just to help you reconnect and strengthen your relationship.

 

If you can't do any of this and are too weak to put an end to this "affair" or "friendship", then leave your wife. What you are doing to her and your children is unfair, let alone what they are being deprived of. No one deserves that, no matter how bad YOU feel.

[Mike_Wazowski]

I have to learn to walk before I can run.....I took the first little steps today to ending it with this woman.....At work, we kep in contact by cell phone email. Well.....the last few days, i have left my phone at home(purposefully) so She can't contact me. because if she sends me a mail asking to meet..then I will meet her..not that I want to meet her but because it's like an alcoholic not wanting a drink but takes one anyways......So the first step to not meeting her for me is to make it so she has a hard time contacting me.....She is married of course so I know that she would never pass me a note at work or anything like that....in fact, at work we don't even socialize unless it is for a business reason...and even then, she would never say or do anything so that others at work may find out that we meet....

 

For the advice I have received..thanks.......Ill post again with any new info....