How to break up with someone when you live together?

[moodindigo91]

If you've read any previous posts I've made, you know it's about time for me to move out. Even more so now that we got new and terrible neighbors. I'm just unhappy, I have no joy left. I'm moping around all day if I'm not at work. I cannot wait to get out of this crap hole apartment complex and away from this situation in general.

 

That being said, I've never had to break up with anyone before. I don't like hurting people, especially not people I love/loved. Also, I know that if we break up and I move out, he will have to move back in with his parents in Florida, which sucks because he's in school here. But right now, I feel like a mother instead of a girlfriend (which I don't even want to be). I'm tired of providing for a grown man who refuses to do anything on his own or for himself. He keeps telling me to look into subscribing to certain things so we have them, as if my income is just to make his life more comfortable. I even help him with his homework. I'm over it. I just want to be alone.

 

I still love him and care for him. And I know this will be difficult, especially since he has mood swings, and I'm not exactly sure how he will take it. My question is, how do you or have you broken up with someone that you live with? Split all furniture with? Share a pet with? How do you tell them it's over, and that you want to move out? Should I care if he will have to pack his bags and move back to FL because I dipped out? Should I care if it means he will probably lose our dog because he can't afford to take care of him on his own (I'm the one that really buys his food/toys/etc...)? He's only staying in California as long as I'm here to split rent with him because otherwise he can't afford it since he refuses to get a job and gets paid only monthly via his GI Bill for going to school. How can I break up with him and then still live here and watch him mope around and/or try and convince me otherwise (and I'm weak, because I don't like to see people hurt)? I just can't decide which course to take...

[journeynow]

Think for a minute…you are tired of being with someone who doesn't do anything on his own…but you have to LET him figure out his life on his own. You can let him figure it out, don't put the cart before the horse, and don't pull someone else's cart.

[j.man]

Well, sad to say but yeah, when you essentially live a married life without being married, break ups get complicated. It's a much better idea to have one person buy half the furniture on their own and the other to buy the other half than it is to split the purchase of each item. That way, the person just takes what they bought and there's no need to "buy out" the person's half of the ownership.

 

Same thing goes for pets. You establish an owner. You can feel free to do the cutesy, "it's our dog," but ultimately one of you is the actual owner.

 

All you can really do is hope you two are capable of sitting down and amicably hashing it out. It might be possible to spend a few bucks and have an arbiter sit with the both of you to balance out the equity of everything you two have jointly purchased.

 

You say he splits the rent with you-- what exactly are you subsidizing for him? As you said, you're not his mother, nor is he a child. Everyone should enter a relationship knowing there are no guarantees and that they should have a backup plan should things fall apart.

[Zuri]

I have done this TWICE. GIIIIRRRLLLL. You just do it. The first time was my 1st marriage and I had two small children. I was paying all the bills. I gave notice to the landlord that I was leaving. Then I saved money for planned professional movers, Put a deposit on an apt in another neighborhood and left. I was 24 years old.

Then I stupidly allowed another loser to move in with me less than 2 years later. STUPID!!!! He contributed nothing. Another one with a sense of entitlement. I up and left after a year of that. I still cannot believe I allowed that nonsense. Plan your move and MOVE. Who is looking out for you, huh?

 

Edited to add:

In both cases, all furniture was paid for by me so that was a no brainer.

[crowleysgirl]

I don't know if you've actually sat down with him and told him how you felt and actually tried to work things out before now, but at this point I don't think it matters. No one wants or deserves to be a parent in what's supposed to be an equal relationship. No, you don't need to care about what his feelings are going to be or what he's going to do/ go through. That would just be continuing your parent role, which needs to end immediately. You do need to sit down and try to have a civil conversation about how to divide things up and such, but be careful. This type of person can easily take advantage of your kindness if they see you are willing to compromise and anything you really shouldn't compromise on. Sometimes you just need to go ahead and completely cut the cord as soon as soon as you can or they will just keep asking for more help. If you give a mouse a cookie....

[HeartGoesOn]

Okay so, I'll try to keep this as short as possible while still giving context. My ex-boyfriend and I have been broken up for almost a year now, he broke up with me shortly after we resigned the lease for our apartment. Now, we've been on and off for about three years now, and he's said and done some terrible things to me, including cheating, holding things over my head, and telling me to "go play in traffic," not even the half of it.

^

After reading your quote from a previous thread, leaving him should be a piece of cake, along with having no regrets in regards to "hurting him."

 

Don't sell yourself short...Life is just that, "short."

[Movingforward3]

You can take a few days and figure it out. Just have a conversation and say this is over and you have x number of days to get out. You rest you can divide up, but in the end sanity is my choice. I can always get more stuff!

[j.man]

but in the end stuff over sanity is my choice. I can always get more stuff!

Wisdom. If it boils down to a debate over who keeps what, it'd be worth putting some serious consideration into simply making some concessions to expedite the process.

[Wiseman2]

Yes, you'll have to tell him to move out and negotiate who takes what. He sounds like a headache you don't need. Don't worry about him, he'll move to his parents and they will take care of him.

[moodindigo91]

I'm thinking the best bet is to find a place, sign a lease and have the conversation shortly before I have to start moving out maybe? I've been looking at places and I try to schedule viewings on lunch breaks from work because if I go after work he would ask where I am. It feels weird doing this in secret, and I'm always second guessing myself.