abusive authoritarian parents: life in hell

[queenkelz21]

To begin, I should clarify that I do not promote the evil stepmother stereotype or anything, and I believe any family circumstance should be evaluated case-by-case. My father went through a difficult time in 2004-2005 when I was about 6 years old. His dying wife (my mother) wanted to remodel a house and our family had just been evacuated from a rental, so we were living illegally in the unfinished house for a while, without hot water and all that...Yes, my dad did a lot for me, carrying pots or boiling water so I could bathe, driving my mother to Mexico for treatment, and when she died, he and my grandma took care of me...then in 2007, my dad remarried. She was really pretty, seemed nice and everything, still does...if you're everyone else...

My childhood went well, I guess, other than some typical Asian punishments for disobedience or disrespect like kneeling for hours on end (trust me it hurts) and of course the bamboo sticks/spatulae. My stepmom quickly assumed the role of mother, taking on the God-given mission to discipline me. Looking back, I think the only strange thing about my childhood was that I wasn't allowed to go to birthday parties, probably just another symptom of protective parenthood.

Sixth grade, though, was when things started going downhill. This was partially my fault. I was very outgoing and attracted the "wrong type of friends" aka the type who'd be jocks and cheerleaders in high school. Because my parents were pretty strict, I was different from them and I hated it. So I'd come home crying and I'd talk back like any other preteen who wanted to be an adult. Plus, my grandmother died that year and she was my closest relative....but anyway the next year, they pulled me out of public school and forced independent study on me. That really killed me because as I mentioned earlier, I was a very social being, so I made a facebook, of course without their knowledge, so I could still talk to people. They found out, I got in huge trouble, and stuff happened and a third party called CPS. My uncle (dad's brother) questioned my stepmom and dad's parenting style and was excommunicated. Eventually my parents forgave me and released me back to public high school in a different town.

And the past four years have been quite hellish. I wasn't given a phone until junior year, and I was not allowed to have social media, wear makeup, go to people's houses, date, hang out with people after school at all. Even with the phone, my parents controlled everything: they could block time periods of my texting, block numbers, read my texts, block cellular data, keep track of who I was texting and where I was. They even installed cameras in the house to watch me if I was home alone. My stepmom, from the start already very reluctant to allow me to participate in any clubs, forced me to give up a prestigious officer position because it was inconvenient for her. And my dad stood behind everything my mom said. All this time, I was also reminded constantly that I was the reason for my stepmom's depression and received frequent verbal attacks for my personality and insecurity, some of it even nurtured by their authoritarian parenting style. Anything I wanted was dangled in front of my face, and one false move not necessarily even related to the event in question, would trigger a "We really were about to let you go (look at how supportive we are, we even paid for it already/took you to buy a dress/let you audition/have been looking for a new phone for you), but since you can't prove you can handle it, we can't let you go." Trust me, it took an emotional toll on me. At a few points in high school, I was driven to suicide attempts and self harm. In response, I was accused of being ungrateful and forgetting family values, even being possessed by satan a couple of times.

They know they're strict, but they would never admit the outrageous extent to which their controls reach and how it affected me. They promised they would loosen up senior year. Has it happened? On the eve of my senior ball, promised to me years ago, I am typing this instead of putting on my dress and getting my hair and face done. Everyone has been telling me that I should just live with it for a couple months before I move out, but I'm just so fed up with it and I can't handle it anymore. It's been affecting every aspect of my life: academics, interpersonal relationships, mental health, physical wellbeing, etc. I know I probably do sound like an ungrateful affluent teenager, but trust me, living here for 17 years has been an emotionally destructive and unhealthy situation. Everyone knows the insanity that I was raised in (and we all laugh about how crazy I'll be with my newfound freedom in college), but few people know how it affects me. I've been hiding it under my energetic presence or whatever, but I'm always so scared my facade's gonna crack.

[agent1607307371]

I know I probably do sound like an ungrateful affluent teenager,

 

No, your parents sound mentally ill. I would try to get out of the house as soon as you are able and try to access some councelling/therapy services.

[rosephase]

Wow, that sounds rough.

 

But what else can you do other then wait it out? They sound strict, unreasonable and full of blame. You are almost out. Oddly it gets harder the closer you get. As all the hurt and blame and BS starts to become clear. But you can do it.

 

Do any adults know how you have been treated? Are you close to any teachers or relatives? Is their anyone you can talk to?

[catfeeder]

I'd pursue counseling through school.

[Hermes]

"......some typical Asian punishments for disobedience or disrespect like kneeling for hours on end (trust me it hurts) and of course the bamboo sticks/spatulae.

 

This would classify as torture in most countries, and in any case assault.

[queenkelz21]

There isn't anyone I can talk to, unfortunately

Last time I went to the school counselor, they called my parents, hoping to intervene, but I just got in more trouble with them.

And none of my family friends or church people would believe me because my folks are just such damn good people to everyone else

[catfeeder]

Last time I went to the school counselor, they called my parents, hoping to intervene, but I just got in more trouble with them.

 

This is the thing you need to tell a school counselor and ask them to decide whether they can operate in confidentiality, or not. If not, ask for a referral to someone who can do that for you. YOU are their patient, not your parents.

[Lov3lyOn3]

This is true. My step mother did the same things to me including pinching the skin off me, scratching up my face, slapping, hitting, kicking me, pulling my hair out. And she would try to justify it by saying things like, she's helping my hair to grow while pulling it out! Now that I am in the law enforcement field I see that everything she ever did to me would have been cause to put her in jail. I think the best thing for you to do is to go to some type of counseling/therapy and talk to people. If they do make you do anything ridiculous like the kneeling thing (which I had to do once before, because my stepmother is also Asian), then you call the authorities. No child deserves to go through this.

[Hermes]

Yep Queen. That figures....

 

"And none of my family friends or church people would believe me because my folks are just such damn good people to everyone else"

 

Abusers are always like that...so goodly on the outside. Bunch of hypocrites!

[mines]

Can you call child protective services? You could even call "anonymously" and report a "neighbor family" who is abusing their high school daughter. There is a child abuse hotline where you can leave a message and just hang up. Call from someone else's phone...?

 

I have two daughters, one is a senior in high school, prom is 3 weeks away, she just turned 18. One is 23. I have never, and would never, treat my precious girls this way. I am SO SORRY you have had this torture and abuse.

 

I really don't think you should wait it out. I think you should try to get help from child protective services. Don't give up. If you need my support, send me a private message if you can (I believe there's a minimum number of posts before private messaging is enabled) and I will try to help you find CPS in your area or even call for you if need be.

 

You are a precious child, and you don't deserve this treatment. You deserve to be loved and cherished. (((hugs))) Please don't give up.

[queenkelz21]

Cial, whoever you are, I feel a bit creeped out. Please remove your post. Whatever my parents put me through, I don't feel comfortable having their names online.

[queenkelz21]

Thank you for the offer and all, but I don't think it's necessary. After all, it's just less than ten weeks. I think I can avoid confrontation. Besides, there's no way I can go to college without their support.

[IAmFCA]

I don't understand. Nobody knows who you are.

 

Something fishy here.

[queenkelz21]

Obviously if someone knows where I go to church and the names of my parents, that person knows who I am. And I find THAT fishy.

[IAmFCA]

Kamurj

 

Can you please look into the potential third party privacy violation that is alleged in this thread?

[Capricorn3]

Kamurj

 

Can you please look into the potential third party privacy violation that is alleged in this thread?

 

Post has been removed.

[Capricorn3]

Under review.