Break up - now wants to stay together

[Lotusavx]

I am going through a "break up" or at least that's what I thought it was. My partner of 4 years moved out one day when I went out. This happened for many many reasons, the number one being that he couldn't stand living with me anymore. We fought a lot about silly things and our major issues that we have been struggling with for a while. The little issues were the fact that he didn't work and everyday he would be hanging out with one of his idiot friends, that really seemed to piss me off (although he would make it like I was insane for being mad at that). The major issues were my on going insecurities. We fought quite a bit but when it was good, it was really really good between us. So yesterday he came over to get more of his stuff. I tried the no contact but it was too hard as there are things regarding moving to discuss. Before that we didn't see each other for a week since it happened. We ended up talking, both started to cry. He hugged me and then we went to lay down one last time in our bed (bad idea, I know). We ended up having sex. Now he is telling me that he doesn't want to break up completely. He just wants to live apart, and meet up throughout the summer and go for coffee, go for walks, hangout. I don't know what to do, as I am extremely fragile since all this happened. I still love him so much, he still loves me. We discussed how we don't want to go no contact as it just seems cruel as we both care for each other and want the best. But now that he said that he doesn't want to be completely done I am so confused about it all. I am moving away across the city. What the heck am I supposed to do? The whole reason he did this is so we can grow and live a life on our own. I want to become less codependent. I want to raise my self esteem and confidence and become reliant on only myself for my happiness. But it's so hard to do because we both love each other so much. Any advice or similar experiences are appreciated

[Andrina]

A little issue is that he doesn't work and hangs out with friends every day instead of spending every spare moment searching for work? No way. It's a major thing. Who needs an immature man with a low work ethic? And then he's a coward and takes off after 4 years together without a face-to-face mature conversation explaining the need for a breakup. Yes, not a good risk for your heart.

 

Your plan to be alone and work on your self esteem is spot on. You do not recognize a healthy romantic relationship because you've probably never been in one. He's a boy, not a man. You can love someone who is not right for you, but it doesn't mean you should continue on with him because of it. You can just as easily grow to love the right man for you, if you give yourself the chance to. This involves no contact with your ex, which is painful, but ultimately what you need to do for your own good.

 

When you feel good about yourself, you will attract good men, and will accept nobody less than. You can't open the front door when you have your foot stuck in the back door. Take steps now to begin your new life. When you get time and distance away from this toxic relationship, you will wonder why you stayed so long. I did have one relationship that was shorter--one year--that was not right for me. The guy had the opposite problem as yours and was a workaholic, and we didn't match in many other major ways either. I thought I loved him and I thought my self esteem was at a good place, but both of those things were not true, but I didn't see that until much later, when he was no longer a part of my life. He also was a coward and left without a face to face meeting.

 

He did me a favor and I was able to meet my future husband, who makes me a priority and has a high work ethic, but he's not a workaholic. Think of your breakup as freeing you to pursue something better as well, when you're emotionally ready. Take care. I have faith in you.

[Wiseman2]

Do you want to settle for a hang-out sometimes and have sex arrangement? When you move start a new life, new neighbors new friends,etc. Go completely no contact. Get on dating apps in your new area and start browsing who's in your area. This has expired for so many reasons. It's time to move forward and enjoy.

[catfeeder]

What, exactly, does this guy bring to the table that's so fabulous?

 

Nobody else can talk you out of settling for ... that.

[Kadbanoo]

To start with, I don't think "codependent" means what you think it means (the same way people throw around "narcissist, sociopath, borderline personality, etc)...

 

I will give you my experience with this - my most recent ex pulled almost the same stunt when we were a couple - around the 10-month mark of our 14-month relationship... moved out while I was at work. Our relationship never, ever, ever recovered from that - I never, ever could trust him again and it was the beginning of the end. Even with that said, I didn't want our relationship to end and was in pure pain and heartbreak for the better part of a year. I wanted nothing for him to come back, for us to be a couple again. I scoured these forums every day, reading getting back together stories.

 

A few months ago, about 18 months after the breakup, he wanted to reconcile. but by that point I had gotten over the majority of the pain and self-blame and all the torture I had been through and decided not to, for that very reason, his moving out on a whim.

 

As much as I missed him and the amazing things we had, and as much as I knew that I was a difficult girlfriend at times, I could never trust someone who used the "storming out, moving out" tactic to deal with conflict. It irreparably broke the foundation of our relationship and I am glad that that enough time had passed for me to have the clarity to see that and not blindly go back.

 

No one is perfect, we all have faults and we all have to concede things in our relationships but that was my dealbreaker. I would recommend using this time as I did to be completely single and work on your issues (self-esteem, abandonment, insecurity, whatever they may be).

[moodindigo91]

He wants all of the control in this situation now. He knows you are fragile right now, and he is trying to have his cake and eat it too because of it. He got you to go lay in bed and sleep with him after he just up and left you without saying a word, that is control. Now he is getting you to consider being basically a booty call for him until he finds someone else he likes more. To me, it sounds like he has no plans of actually getting back together with you, he just probably feels slight guilt for leaving and also wants to still sleep with you if he can without all the commitment. The fact that he makes you feel crazy for being mad at him for being a low-life clearly shows he has problems. This is not the kind of man you want to spend your life with. Cut him off, you dodged a bullet.