hello. I am 21 years old and my boyfriend who I have lived with for 2.5 years and been with for a total of 4 has broken up and moved out of our apartment. I am very broken, so is he. We had a tumultuous relationship, mostly because I was so young (17) when it began. I had many issues that pushed him away, jealousy, insecurity which all got better over time, but didn't disappear completely. He had issues too, and we have broken up 3 times. This one is final. He was bi polar, hardly had a steady job if at all. People in my life are happy I am not reason (that I was too good for him in many people's eyes). But what I saw in him was a beautiful soul with a big heart and loving caring personality. Despite the rockiness of the relationship, it was good at times. I dealt with many self esteem issues through out our relationship. I feel like I put my happiness and well being in his hands and he couldn't deal with that. I stayed despite him treating me badly and dealing with his bi polar out bursts at times. I wouldn't even be mad about something, and he would take it the wrong way as if I'm being a , and flip out. Admittedly, I did cause most with my insecurities and jealousy. I can see that it wasn't good, as he would do many things that bothered me...have beers during the days, I couldn't stand his friends, stay out late with his buddies. I just got to not be able to stand his lifestyle. I felt it unfair that I was working full time and he was doing this and always in between jobs. But something always brought me back to him (maybe due to my low self esteem and that he was my first love). I always wanted him back, and despite him being the way he was, he always had way more logic than me when it came to how it was a toxic relationship at point and he was always the one to put his foot down and leave.
So now, I am left with an apartment (lease was in my name for credit reasons), he has moved to his parents house and is going to find a place. I am moving in with my mom, and I'm starting college in September. I have a very hard time dealing with break ups. It's very painful to be in our apartment where we shared many good times, so I've been staying with friends and my mom and sister. I'm very broken, sad and having a hard time going to work. I feel like no matter what anyone says, I don't believe it will get any better. I have some temporary relief with talking to people and watching movies. I just feel like I will never get over it and always going over what went wrong.
Living with my mom will be a huge transition, as I have been living with him since 18. I have learned to be independent and almost feel weird about being at home again.
The strange thing is, that we are talking (though I know the no contact rule is imperative to healing) because we have to talk about where our stuff is going, our cat and our moving dates. But when we talk, we have a friendly, respectful connection together. He is almost helping me through it and telling me we will get through it, being very positive. It's making me feel good in a way, he made clear he still loves and cares deeply. It's not even giving me false hope of getting back together (because I know that won't happen) but it's like he is a good friend talking to me, helping me.
Anyways, thank you for reading and any insight is very appreciated.