I think my work friend is taken and it hurts

[Lov3lyOn3]

OK, a long story for you guys...

 

I have known for the longest time that I shouldn't date a guy from work. But in the field that I'm in, it happens a lot because of the amount of hours that we work. So, I was new to my job and fell for a guy I worked with. I was smitten since day 1 when I talked to him. Everyone at work likes him, he really is a good guy, and one that I really really hoped to be mine one day. I never told him this because I didnt want to date a guy from my job. It happens, but seldom works out. But everytime I saw him I got butterflies in my stomach. I was extremely excited and giggly. Head over heals for this guy.

 

Then he asked for my number. I gave it to him. We texted every single day talked about everything, but he never asked me out. Never talked about a significant other, only his daughter. Then we just started going to the gym, upgraded to gym buddies. We'd meet there twice a week on his days off because we work different shifts and have different days off. Then he started to drop off. No texts, stopped going to the gym. I was always texting firts, but either got no response or the same lame responses to everything. I felt it weird, but didnt ask why. I assumed he was busy. Then one of my close coworkers who knew we were close friends told me that he believes that he was back with his ex. That hurt so much. I had an idea, but with how everything went from total contact everyday to nothing, I assumed it to be true. So I took a step back. I was hurt. I stopped contacting him I continued to go to the gym, but alone because he never showed up anywayz.

 

Then one day he popped up at the gym and I was surprised, but pissed off at him. I pretended he didnt exist. He tried to talk to me, but I brushed him off. When I saw him at work he tried to laugh and joke with me, but he got a smile, a hi, and I left. Next up, he texted me and asked me if he did or said anything wrong. I told him how I felt about how he never contacts me and i just felt like he only talks to me when he was bored. He basically said that he contacts me when he knows I'm free. hurt him and that he wanted to know what he could do to change it. I told him I didnt know. Now he texts me whenever he goes to the gym. I show up and workout, but i don't really feel the same. I never contact him at all, not even to say hi and neither does he.

 

Today a mututal coworker was at the gym and asked him how he was doing and if his girlfriend had moved in with him. I didn't stay for the answer I just left. I tried my hardest not to cry and finished my workout with him. He seems interested in telling me his life plans and what he's doing with no mention of another girl either, but I have no response. I feel really hurt again. I see him and want to cry now. I don't feel happy anymore.

 

I have never told him how I really feel about him. I never asked him personally if he does have a girlfriend because I'm too afraid; although it would help me just move on and not dwell on him anymore.

 

I don't know at this point. I guess I still respond to him because I'm still trying to cling to the tiniest bit of hope that he's still interested in me. But at the same time I just want to not have anything to do withhim. The way I felt before would make just being friends too hard. What should I do now?

[Clinton]

For whatever reason, he was never really in to you. Most likely he was hung up on his ex. It was never a relationship so try and let it go.

[Wiseman2]

I think there was more emotional investment on your part and he was still sorting stuff out with his ex but enjoyed hanging out with you. Unless he asks you on a date specifically don't bother asking about a gf. But why be around him if he may be in a relationship and just wants a friend?

 

Be friendly but cut way back on texting, hanging out, etc. until you can faze that out and only have to run into him at work. Also start dating other guys and keep busy with that.

I was smitten since day 1 and one that I really really hoped to be mine one day.

[Jibralta]

I think you should stay away from him. He's not very considerate.

[Lov3lyOn3]

The feeling definitely sucks. I'll definitely keep going to the gym. I love i and it's the one place where I'm not stressed. Maybe the best thing to do is to not contact him at all for anything. If he asks why then I'll let him know. I was sad earlier today and most of the day I made myself sick over it, but I'm tired of shedding tears for someone who doesn't care about me at all. I guess I'll just keep focusing on me and what I need to do for myself. I'll be cordial with him at work, but nothing special. It hurts, but I do think I deserve a lot more than what I'm getting.

[Wiseman2]

Agree. Just go about your life doing everything you enjoy as usual but be brief and cordial with him, nothing more. Get on some dating apps and start browsing for a special guy of your own to meet and date.

Maybe the best thing to do is to not contact him at all for anything.

[ThatwasThen]

I have never told him how I really feel about him. I never asked him personally if he does have a girlfriend because I'm too afraid;

I suggest you do what you need to do to get over this fear before you find yourself shredded when the guy you fall for e happens to be married.

[ThatwasThen]

Adding to above:

I think you should stay away from him. He's not very considerate.

How so? He didn't do anything to lead her on. In fact, he shut her down when she flirted as she pointed out in the opening post.

 

Op you had expectations regarding his association with you based on your own infatuation of him.

[Jibralta]

In fact, he shut her down when she flirted as she pointed out in the opening post.

 

I read the opposite. He asked for her number, they texted daily. They met outside of work to go to the gym. Then he dropped off suddenly. I would assume they had been flirting the entire time, and that she didn't begin flirting with him after he started to drop off. But I could be wrong.

[Lov3lyOn3]

That was true. When he asked for my phone number he was the one who texted me everyday. He initiated all of the contact. We were both flirting the entire time. Then all of a sudden, nothing. I stopped contacting him because he would text me the same exact responses to everything. Now he texts me, but only when he wants to go to the gym. In my opinion because its convenient for him and that's the only time I matter. There's no flirting involved, no how's your day going, nothing. I haven't texted him and don't think I ever will again. I see him at work and he acts like he's so happy to see me all the time. Its annoying and makes me sick because he still runs through my mind, but I know for a fact I don't cross his. If I'm not bubbly and happy around him and I am with other people then he wants to know what he did to hurt my feelings. I'm tired of the games. I just want to find a way to get over him.

[Jibralta]

If I'm not bubbly and happy around him and I am with other people then he wants to know what he did to hurt my feelings.

 

He's like a genius at being a douche without looking like a douche.

 

I'm tired of the games. I just want to find a way to get over him.

 

Please do. Life is complicated enough without some closet sadist gaslighting you.

 

Stay strong.

[ThatwasThen]

I read the opposite. He asked for her number, they texted daily. They met outside of work to go to the gym. Then he dropped off suddenly. I would assume they had been flirting the entire time, and that she didn't begin flirting with him after he started to drop off. But I could be wrong.

None of that is any indication that he "led her on" all it was, was him doing friend things with her with the odd flirt. There was zero overatures of the sexual or romantic kind. As Op says, then the flirting stopped (probably after he could see that she was reading more into their interaction then ever he intended.

 

This is the problem with opposite sex friendships in many cases one or the other reads things wrongly and then the one that is reading them wrongly, gets hurt.

 

He's not a douche. Op: If you keep getting crushes on guys and having expectations that simple things like going to the gym together means more then friendship then you are going to find yourself in this pain very often. I suggest you try your best to drop expectations because none of what he did was a sign that he was any more interested then just being your friend. If you start calling guys "douches" because they did the right thing when they could see that you had feelings when he did not, then you're going to become very jaded about the opposite sex, very quickly.

 

If anything, this guy is a good guy since he backed off of doing anything with you that his girlfriend may consider crossing their relationship boundaries. It's not like you have been a friend of many years so hanging with you one-on-one would actually be inappropriate even if platonically because you have feelings for him.

 

Anyway, I think your coldness towards him has helped you to get over your crush but chillax on blaming him for anything. You had a crush and it lead you to believe his friendship was romantic pursuit of you. No sense being jaded over it. It was what it was and now you know better. Never be afraid to quickly broach the subject of availability to someone who you think is showing interest in you. You can do that without fear by calmly and matter of factly putting the girlfriend into the conversation.

 

E.g.:

Him: We went to see Drake last night.

You: Oh wow your girlfriend must have loved that?

 

Then more likely then not he will either say: "Yes, she loves him" or "I don't have a girlfriend, I went with a buddy."

[Jibralta]

Op: If you keep getting crushes on guys and having expectations that simple things like going to the gym together means more then friendship then you are going to find yourself in this pain very often. I suggest you try your best to drop expectations because none of what he did was a sign that he was any more interested then just being your friend. If you start calling guys "douches" because they did the right thing when they could see that you had feelings when he did not, then you're going to become very jaded about the opposite sex, very quickly.

 

The OP didn't call him a douche; I did.

 

I am not a jaded person. I happen to be very fond of men. But in my opinion, this particular person is a closet douche.