New here. Difficult task ahead today.... any support would be welcome

[mustlovedogs]

I texted him once for a HBD message, so it was one message at 75 days. I consider that basically 90 days of NC

[gypsybird87]

Thanks, mustlovedogs and bolt.

 

Right now 60 days sounds like an eternity, though I know it's really not. But it feels good to have some sort of goal to shoot for. Sort of like weight loss. You're supposed to start with goals that are small and manageable. I liked the timing of July 4th as well. (Our final conversation was had on the evening of May 3rd.) If I've arrived at detachment by then, great. If not, I'll set a new goal and keep on rolling.

 

Incidentally, his birthday is the 21st of this month. Last year he went totally dark without telling me why. We didn't communicate at all until late that night, when he explained that he has a lot of bad birthday memories associated with his ex, so he always just shuts off his phone and hides from the world on that day. I mentioned it would have been helpful to know that ahead of time. I also told him I understand having bad memories associated with certain days; I definitely do. But he's making a choice to let that trend continue rather than re-claiming it and making it into something new and good. This is the kind of stuff I mean when I say he's not healed. At that point he'd been divorced for over three years. Needless to say, he can wallow all he wants this year without any disturbance from me, because I won't be texting or calling him.

[mustlovedogs]

I think picking a date 60 days out makes it much more tolerable. That's why I picked his birthday. You will make a lot of progress in two months - I'm not minimizing that by any means. But my family told me I would be completely better in two months and it made me feel awful when I wasn't "perfectly" better. I am MUCH better, and so it's still a good step. I just wanted your expectations to be in line so you don't feel like a failure when you hit two months and still have feelings.

[gypsybird87]

Mustlovedogs,

 

Understood and I will try to keep my expectations realistic. Everyone says be gentle with yourself at this time, and I think that is part of it. Not expecting too much or being too hard on myself if things don't go as planned. And I'm sure the detachment and healing timeline is different for everyone. I'm curious if when you picked his birthday, was the thought of potentially texting him on that day already in your head? Or did you arrive at that day, and then get the idea to text him? I ask because I've caught myself wording future scenarios where I text him and say, Sure let's be friends and hang out, and then somehow we live happily ever after as great friends. Because really, we have had a good friendship. I'd like to keep it, but again... that is current me talking. 60 days (or more) me may say screw that. I'm just curious what your thought process was.

[mustlovedogs]

I had told myself I would go radio silent until either he texted me or his birthday came around. He didn't reach out, so I reached out on his birthday. So it gave me something to look forward to for those whole 60 days. Just a goal. It worked well I think

[boltnrun]

I actually think planning to contact him some time in the future is not helpful for healing, because your focus is on marking time until you can contact him again. Instead of using that time to focus on having a good life without someone who, honestly, has chosen to no longer be in a relationship with you.

 

I would say a good goal is to have such a full life that you don't see him not being in it as a negative. So IF there is a "friendship" in the future it would be something that adds to your life, but isn't going to make or break how you feel that day.

 

As for time frames, no one can dictate that to you. Everyone is different, there is no set time where you "should" be "over it".

[gypsybird87]

Thanks for sharing that. Did he reply? And then was that it? HBD, thanks, the end? Do you regret sending the text or feel like it set you back in anyway?

[mustlovedogs]

I agree to boltnrun generally speaking, but I think picking a date 60 days out gave me enough time to not have all my hopes hinged on any particular response. It gave me a date to look forward to so that I avoided temptation in reaching out to him sooner. "No, self, don't text - only another month until his birthday." It gave me strength, and that was important to me personally.

 

He responded something like "hey thanks I am, how are you?" I responded pretty well, said I had gotten into a grad school, and he just replied "congratulations!".

 

Not a bad encounter by any means. Just cordial.

 

Oh, and edit: No, I don't regret it at all. It was nice to have our last encounter be positive, if that makes sense.

[catfeeder]

Thank you, Catfeeder. Can you clarify your above statement? I reread your earlier replies and I can't figure out what you're referencing.

 

I apologize, Gypsy. I confused my reply to you with ideas of someone else's post, where she described her breakup as 'killing her'. My bad.

 

Then one day you come into "work", and there is a new girl in your job AND she's getting paid. You cry to him, and he says you knew this was a volunteer only position.....

 

Good analogy. My take on friendship with exes is that it outlives its usefulness after shared school life. Nobody ever tells us this: we're left to figure it out on our own.

 

Throughout high school and college dating we're conditioned to end relationships gracefully and remain at least civil with exes because we share classes and social circles. Outside of those scenarios, where is such a 'friendship' supposed to go?

 

I won't play friendzies with an ex--that's a hidden agenda. It's a mess masquerading as maturity. One breakup is hard enough, but what's supposed to happen when either ex wants to date someone else? We'd expect any self-respecting person to insert themselves into that pseudo-whatever-soup? Or are we just playing friendzies until one or the other finds someone who owns the backbone to know clean lines, and so the exie thing gets broken--again--while the other eats dust?

 

Clarity is everything. It's not about blurring lines and then beating yourself up for that, it's about deciding what you want, staying true to that, and not blowing around people like a candle in the wind based on THEIR agenda. Be clear and stay clear about your own value, and then you won't feel deceptive or squirmy around anyone else.

 

You don't 'owe' this guy a message to let yourself off his hook. He can't identify why you're not his match, and that's valid--most people simply are NOT our match. But we don't 'collect' people without consequences, and if you think you're hurting now, you won't enjoy investing more of your time and heart to learn what those consequences are. Chances are, you'll be too drilled into your focus on this 'friend' to even know how many other possibilities you've blocked from your timeline, and we never get any wasted time back again for do-overs.

 

I hope you'll allow yourself to relax into the idea that you can close this chapter any time you want--and without some obligatory message to explain yourself any further. You're not the one who pulled the trigger on this thing, as the intelligence of your dreaming mind has pointed out. You witnessed the death of your investment in this guy, but what your focus has not yet shown you is who else will enter your world once you've lifted yourself above the battle ground to meet in a higher place.

 

Think long range, and when you're ready, begin your ascent.

[Wiseman2]

Perfect...excellent decision!

he can wallow all he wants this year without any disturbance from me, because I won't be texting or calling him.

[gypsybird87]

Thank you, cat feeder. Your advice may have been originally intended for someone else, but it applies to me too. I've used similar wording, and will try not to do that anymore.

 

Thanks also for reminding me that I have as much control here as I am willing to take. I can close the door on friendship and/or any future contact whenever I wish. Its just difficult, because this is not what I want. I want him back. I want things back the way they were. I continually have to remind myself that what I'm saying goodbye to is not what I wanted, it's what he's offering me instead. Because what he's offering me is not acceptable. It's a "volunteer only" job that will pay nothing but more pain.

 

Weekends are the hardest. I have a long to-do list for the day, but I still just feel lost and without purpose. I can't seem to motivate myself to do anything.

[Ms Darcy]

He kept going back to this mystery missing element, the undefinable connection. How he wishes so much he felt it with me, and he doesn't know why it isn't there. He doesn't want to lose me but what can he do?? He had that feeling before and wants it again. I asked when he last felt it. He said with his ex-wife (surprise, surprise).

 

This is one of the greatest favors he could have given you, honestly. I know that healing from a breakup takes a long time and you will have up and down days, but just never remember that as long as you were together, as good as you thought it may have been, as great as the sex was, his heart was never fully feeling the 'magic.'

 

I would be done forever with a man who told me that. You could never reconcile because your trust that 'magic' was there or at least building has been completely broken.

 

I think as you reflect more on this relationship, you will notice early warning signs about him not really being over his ex or at least having unresolved feelings. Signs that you can be mindful of in the future.

 

Stay strong with no contact and good luck.

[gypsybird87]

Thanks for your reply, MsDarcy. It doesn't feel like a favor just now.... but perhaps it will when I get further down the healing road.

 

 

I think as you reflect more on this relationship, you will notice early warning signs about him not really being over his ex or at least having unresolved feelings. Signs that you can be mindful of in the future.

 

 

I was aware of his unresolved feelings, but we had talked through a lot of it and he was realizing more and more how unhealthy that relationship was. He also felt better when she moved away last June, as that involved the selling of the house they still technically co-owned, where she had been living with the guy she left him for. Once that burden was lifted, we definitely grew closer. My hope was that as his healing continued and more time went by, that the wall in his heart would come down, and we'd connect on that deeper level of love. I was not expecting it to manifest with him deciding he needed to seek love elsewhere. The wall is still up, which is why I think he's not going to find what he's looking for. Not with me, and not with anyone else. It's just sad, because he's a good man who deserves to be happy.

[youareworthy]

Dear Gypsybird87,

 

The more I read on this thread the more I wonder if he is capable of lowering that wall. It is typical for someone who is terrified of real emotional intimacy to bolt when a relationship is at its peak. A relationship that's going really well threatens to force him to lower that wall, and he is not prepared to do that. Especially if he let that wall down with his ex-wife and she trampled upon his vulnerability.

 

You are right that he is not healthy enough to be in a really excellent relationship, and that IS too bad for him. And I am sorry that the tender, kind man who was so good to you has done a disappearing act.

 

Don't worry about your healing timeline. It will be exactly as long as it is supposed to be for you, and so don't take on any guilt or pressure about that, You are you, and it will happen the way it should if you are trying to go about this in a reasonably healthy way (which does not mean "perfect").

 

I am so sorry you have had to go through this. I am very struck by the emotional intelligence, wisdom, and self-respect you demonstrate in this thread.

 

Youareworthy

[catfeeder]

I was aware of his unresolved feelings, but we had talked through a lot of it and he was realizing more and more how unhealthy that relationship was. He also felt better when she moved away last June, as that involved the selling of the house they still technically co-owned, where she had been living with the guy she left him for. Once that burden was lifted, we definitely grew closer.

 

You enjoyed the appearance of growing closer, but when someone is still going through drama from their old relationship, that's still rebound territory.

 

Any you can't 'talk' someone out of that.

 

Everyone heals from their past according to their own private timeline, and it won't be on a calendar that we can all point to and call 'safe' for ourselves. That's why it's on us to use discrimination.

 

In all likelihood, your involvement with this guy during his fallout from his ex might 'feel' as though you're helping him progress--and it may be so--but not for you. It's where you've crossed roles into that of an amateur therapist, and guess what? You've now anchored yourself into an association with dismal feelings.

 

There's a good reason why therapists went through years of training to help people through this stuff, and they know how to use something called 'transference' to a patent's advantage without concern of contamination--because they're not motivated by trying to fulfill a romantic agenda with that person.

 

You cannot be an emotional band aid for someone without ending up where used band aids end up. Research 'rebounding'.

 

My hope was that as his healing continued and more time went by, that the wall in his heart would come down, and we'd connect on that deeper level of love. I was not expecting it to manifest with him deciding he needed to seek love elsewhere. The wall is still up, which is why I think he's not going to find what he's looking for. Not with me, and not with anyone else. It's just sad, because he's a good man who deserves to be happy.

 

This writing sounds as though you're still blending a therapeutic and a romantic focus together, and it's what got you into trouble.

 

Your next lover can't be a project. He's either healthy relationship material, or he's not. Unless you learn how to recognize the difference, you'll continue to set yourself up for heartbreak.

 

You need to learn what 'clean lines' means. Someone who has good relationship potential is not still hung up on an ex. You cannot 'convert' an unhealed person without breaking your own heart.

 

Head high, and please learn something valuable from this to take to a therapist of your own if you cannot gain clarity on your own, or you will repeat this mistake going forward.

 

((Hug))

[gypsybird87]

Youareworthy, thank you so much for your kind words. They mean a lot to me.

 

Cat feeder, thanks once again for your excellent advice. I know it wasn't your intent, but it left me feeling chastened and sort of stupid. I never thought of him as a project, more like a kindred soul because what we had been through was so similar. I knew I was ahead of him on the healing path, and saw no harm in lighting the way where I could, using knowledge I gleaned from my own experiences. But you're right. There were signs that he was not fully over her and ready to be in a quality relationship with me or anyone else. By the time I realized that, I was in love with him and it was too late.

 

I never viewed myself as his rebound, since he'd had several relationships between his ex wife and me. They were pretty brief though (less than six months) and according to him never anywhere near the intimacy and connection that we shared. More likely he was *my* rebound, since this was my first relationship post divorce. There were wounds in me that he healed too. It was never one sided, which is part of why it all felt so right to me.

 

Maybe I helped him, maybe he helped me. Both of us went to counseling after our divorces. Maybe both of us should go back. I don't know. I feel horrible now.

[catfeeder]

Youareworthy, thank you so much for your kind words. They mean a lot to me.

 

Cat feeder, thanks once again for your excellent advice. I know it wasn't your intent, but it left me feeling chastened and sort of stupid. I never thought of him as a project, more like a kindred soul because what we had been through was so similar. I knew I was ahead of him on the healing path, and saw no harm in lighting the way where I could, using knowledge I gleaned from my own experiences. But you're right. There were signs that he was not fully over her and ready to be in a quality relationship with me or anyone else. By the time I realized that, I was in love with him and it was too late.

 

I never viewed myself as his rebound, since he'd had several relationships between his ex wife and me. They were pretty brief though (less than six months) and according to him never anywhere near the intimacy and connection that we shared. More likely he was *my* rebound, since this was my first relationship post divorce. There were wounds in me that he healed too. It was never one sided, which is part of why it all felt so right to me.

 

Maybe I helped him, maybe he helped me. Both of us went to counseling after our divorces. Maybe both of us should go back. I don't know. I feel horrible now.

 

Nothing is ever wasted when we grow from our experiences. While I've heard plenty of experts advise avoiding dating anyone within a year of their divorce being finalized, that assumes that all old business has been handled and cleared, and a person has reconciled and reclaimed at least a full year of milestones. But in cases where someone is still nursing old wounds and settling old business, you don't want to get caught up in that emotional fallout, because as helpful as you might be, you'll end up a casualty.

 

We can only live and learn. Most of us don't live with our nose in a textbook, and so the only way we can teach ourselves about hidden flames is to suffer our share of the burns that come with discovery. But we need to make good use of those experiences through self honesty. That's not about beating ourselves up, just the opposite. Punishment isn't an effective learning tool--self kindness is how we grow rather than repress or shut down the best parts of ourselves.

 

Learning is how we develop confidence. This doesn't mean we're confident that we won't make mistakes--we all will. It means we've opted for resiliency rather than reclusiveness and making our world smaller with each knock.

 

You've tested your heart, and you've found it working. That's good news. The not-so-great news is that grief feels lousy, and the only way 'around' it is through it. If this breakup has stirred up old unhealed places in you, that's natural. It can be co-opted into a beneficial thing. People have no trouble hiring an expert to do their plumbing or taxes or other practical stuff, but what could be more practical than addressing your quality of life? Consider hiring an expert to help you work through this, and you can turn this thing around to your favor.

 

You've been smart enough to put your focus on growing your independence. This experience has raised your awareness that it's time to extend some of your focus to healing and growing your love life. That's not such a bad thing, is it?

 

Head high, you can do this.

[gypsybird87]

Thanks, catfeeder. How did you get so wise?? I barely slept last night, thinking over your response and all that has happened, and questioning my role in the relationship. I can't help but feel that I caused this breakup in some way. But in hindsight I'm not sure what I would have done differently. When he expressed an insecurity or hurt that came from his marriage, it was usually something I had experienced as well. I gave him understanding, and acceptance, and then told him how I dealt with whatever it was. If I shared something I was struggling with, he gave me understanding and acceptance, and a new perspective that was usually really helpful. We just seemed to be a good fit, emotionally and mentally. We discussed multiple times that one of the best things about our relationship was feeling completely safe with each other. Totally accepted with no judgment. Able to say anything to each other, to trust each other with secrets no one else knew, to explore sexually in ways we hadn't with other partners.

 

I'm frustrated and sad that all that had to come to an end. He got very comfortable with me, and while he may have forgotten how scary it is to put yourself out there, I have not. I don't relish the thought of starting all over. Again. It's really hitting me today that this is over, and that he is not going to change his mind. We'll never kiss again, never make breakfast together, never stay up all night talking, never laugh 'til we cry. I'll never fall asleep in his arms again, never feel his body naked against mine. IT HURTS... oh my god does it hurt.

[youareworthy]

[gypsybird87]

Day 8,362 of no contact. Wait... no. It's day EIGHT. NC must get easier because there is no way I can last 60 days (or more) if it stays like this. I'm not crying every moment but I still can think of nothing but him. Eating and sleeping are still a mess. Worst of all is that I am self-employed. There is no time clock to punch, no boss standing over me. I have to self discipline on both my schedule and my productivity. Yesterday I got nothing done. I promised myself today would be better. So far? Nothing done. I can't stay on task. I think, hurt, and read/post here. That's it.

 

Besides work, there are some other things I know I need to do.

 

1. Block him on Pinterest. For whatever reason this did not de-link even when I unfollowed him there and then unfriended him on FB. So Pinterest still alerts me every time he pins something. He is also still following me on there. Once I block him all that will go away. And I can't bring myself to do it, because it's our last remaining active connection. Which is precisely WHY I need to do it... I know that.

 

2. Delete his contact info from my phone. Though I have his number memorized so it will still be in my brain.

 

3. Delete our text thread. After the initial breakup, I deleted our texting. I had everything going back to the day we met, Nov 1st 2014. Thousands of texts. Hundreds of photos. I deleted the whole thing immediately. Now, what I have is the sporadic texting we did between breakup day and last Tuesday, when I initiated NC. I need to delete. I know. But for some reason this is harder than deleting the entire prior history was. I have no idea why. Last bit of hope? Denial?

 

4. Photos. I've deleted some. I need to delete more. Select one or two and ditch the rest. But I can't seem to do it.

 

Maybe it's too soon for some of these things, and it will come as I heal more. Or maybe I won't heal more, until I do these things. I just don't know. All I know is I hurt, and I miss him, and I don't want this to be my reality. I want to wake up.

[catfeeder]

Thanks, catfeeder. How did you get so wise?? I barely slept last night, thinking over your response and all that has happened, and questioning my role in the relationship. I can't help but feel that I caused this breakup in some way. But in hindsight I'm not sure what I would have done differently.

 

You didn't do anything to cause the breakup. The relationship already came with an expiration date. This is why I suggested researching 'rebounding'. While it's usually spoken of in terms of someone leapfrogging from one relationship to the next, it's less about using calendar time as a measurement and more about using your life experience and intuition to know whether someone is fully healed enough to be with YOU.

 

Your gut already told you he was not. The fact that he still held grudges and had old business to settle with ex meant that it didn't matter whether he was 5 weeks, 5 months or 5 years out of his divorce, or how many women he had failed with since then--he was not ready for you, no matter how perfect you may have been for him. Period.

 

The typical rebound speech is that you are fabulous--probably the best person who could have ever come into my life--but I can't do this any more. Insert "I should have taken more time to heal..." or "I'm not ready for another commitment..." or "I realize now that I need to go off and 'find myself'..." or any other variation of "It's not you, it's me..." but in this case, it's always TRUE.

 

Of course things seem great while you're playing the Emotional Red Cross with one another. But what happens after the best nurse, doctor or therapist has helped you to navigate the most difficult part of whatever you are healing? You don't NEED them anymore. You're anxious to go off and start living the way you wish while no longer being accountable--to anyone.

 

So I'd tell the next fabulous man you meet who is still mired in fallout from a past relationship, "I adore you and can picture the two of us together someday. That's why I need to walk away while we both still think highly of one another, in order to preserve that potential. You can work through your ghosts and the business you still need to settle. In a few months, if you find yourself free and clear of all remnants of Ex, and you're fully healed and over her and fully out of contact with her, you can give me a call. If I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up. Until then, I wish you the best."

 

Then you drive off into the sunset and trust that if you and the great guy are truly a meant-to-be deal, he'll grow healthy, not needy or resentful, and you'll both meet on higher ground someday--when you've actually got a shot. Otherwise, you don't need to take my word for what happens, you've seen it up close and can do the research and understand that the keys are not the calendar or a number of people--the keys are two complete, healed and whole people meeting to start a relationship from a place of strength rather than need.

 

Need is terrific basis for a short term relationship--not the long haul. That's why it's important to heal your old wounds to avoid being vulnerable to the next great person who is not relationship material, because a willingness to mess with such a one means that you're not really relationship material yourself at that moment.

 

When you are good relationship material, you'll recognize your match. Otherwise, it's a candle in the wind shot based on agendas that don't support a foundation.

 

Head high, and hang in there. Write more if it helps.

[youareworthy]

Catfeeder, this post is brilliant.

 

Youareworthy

[gypsybird87]

I agree. Catfeeder, your advice is brilliant once again. It took me a day or so to process everything you said. I'm still hurting and have my down moments, but I also have moments where I can look back more objectively, and see the relationship for what it really was. I think that's progress. We'll see.

 

I am staying strong with NC, and last night I blocked him on Pinterest. It was difficult and sad.... that was our last active connection. The blocking force-unfollowed him from my page, and will finally now stop alerting me to all his pins, which was the main thing I wanted. He follows many pinners and boards, so I doubt he'll even notice my absence. Even if he does, I doubt that will prompt any contact. I hope not anyway. It would be really tough to get a text or something from him, and not reply. I'm strong, to a point, but geez that would suck.

 

I'm starting to think about what I've learned from all this. I think the main thing is to never invest alone or far greater than the other person. When my feelings started to grow, I should have asked if he was on the same page. If the answer was no, then I should have left the relationship. As hard as it would have been, it would have saved me much of the pain I'm in now. Now in some situations you might not get an honest answer, but with this man I would have. He told me at the very beginning that he would always be honest with me, and that I should not ask a question that I didn't want the answer to. And he was true to that throughout our relationship. I should have asked the question, accepted the answer, and moved on. I think maybe I was afraid to ask, because I knew what the answer would be. But that was not being fair to myself. I should never have kept quiet out of fear, and hoped.

 

I should have trusted myself to be A- worth asking the question for, and B- strong enough to handle whatever the answer was. He treated me very, very well. He made me feel more loved and cherished than I ever have before. But that is not the same as real love, and I deserve both.

[Ms Darcy]

Thanks for your reply, MsDarcy. It doesn't feel like a favor just now.... but perhaps it will when I get further down the healing road.

 

 

 

I was aware of his unresolved feelings, but we had talked through a lot of it and he was realizing more and more how unhealthy that relationship was. He also felt better when she moved away last June, as that involved the selling of the house they still technically co-owned, where she had been living with the guy she left him for. Once that burden was lifted, we definitely grew closer. My hope was that as his healing continued and more time went by, that the wall in his heart would come down, and we'd connect on that deeper level of love. I was not expecting it to manifest with him deciding he needed to seek love elsewhere. The wall is still up, which is why I think he's not going to find what he's looking for. Not with me, and not with anyone else. It's just sad, because he's a good man who deserves to be happy.

 

Ugh, I cringe because I can relate. Had a broken bird. Served as his therapist and sound board. When he felt better, he moved on and married someone else.

 

Lol - never again girl. Find a man who is put together and not broken! And thank the previous girl he dumped for doing all that hard work!

[AnastasiaB]

If it's too hard to call maybe just send a message, thank him for the good times and ask him not to contact you unless he wants to get back together.